Stress is for wimps....

Since I do NOT have mono- and I do not have lupus (I didn't even know she was CHECKING for lupus), I have decided that my problem is just stress. My new doctor suggested that my fever, achiness, and all out exhaustion for the past month is possibly just a result of my life.
What a cop-out.
Like 40 minutes of traffic and you never see any actual accident.
You'd think that a doctor could come up with something better than stress.... but to make it all better, my skin has started to crawl and I am itching, constantly.
No hives, no rash, just itching.
Years ago I used to break out in a rash before I came home from work, because I never knew just how drunk my husband was going to be. But once I identified what was happening, when and why, it stopped. I have this way of being able to identify my troubles away. As soon as I acknowledge that "X situation" is what is causing me so much grief, it sort of subsides. X situation no longer seems so bad and I start to feel better about it.

So ok, here I am acknowledging that I am stressed... I am willing to start feeling better any time now.

I am so pissed off and annoyed that I am so fucking tired. I cannot sit anywhere quietly for more than 15 minutes without falling asleep. My fever goes up and down all day long. Not enough to put me in bed, but enough that I can FEEL by body temperature rising.
It's like I'm ovulating ALL DAY EVERY DAY.... oh, and like there would be any point in THAT, even if I was.
My muscles ache and now I'm itching.... don't get me started on the teeth pain. I am taking Tylenol, and now benadryl around the clock.

OK, I get it.... I've got too much going on. What the hell am I supposed to do about that????

So tomorrow I'm going to the doctor again to let her take more blood. So she can figure out that there is nothing REALLY wrong with me. It's all in my head. I am overwhelmed, overtired, got it. It's not going to stop any time soon, so I may as well get used to it so I can start feeling better.

I don't have time to be stressed sick. I don't have big enough problems for that. Really, I don't. So, perhaps the way taking a pregnancy test will make you start your period, perhaps going back to the doctors for a second blood test will make me better.

Gratitude

This afternoon I was walking back to my office and there was a patient who was walking down the hall doing Physical Therapy. Alot of our patients need Physical Therapy after a stroke. This patient was probably in his late 50's, and being helped to stand and walk by a girl, who was half his age and half his height. Anyway, as there were telemetry monitors in the hall way I had to stop and wait for this patient and his physical therapist to walk by me. I stopped and smiled at her, and took a minute to notice this man- curious what his name was, his diagnosis, and if he was one of the patients on my list for our data.
He was well over 6 feet tall. In two hospital gowns, covering front and back. Clearly struggling to take each step and physically exhausted. I waited patiently as they passed by me, and I recognized that I really need to be grateful today. Grateful that I don't need help walking. That I am in generally good health. That the basic funtions of my body, still function. All day long I analyze the files of patients who suddenly could not lift thier arms, or who woke up and could not speak. What a horrifying experience.
Today I am grateful that my body is still my own and that my brain is still working for me.
Some days it's just not worth it to complain about being tired.

Experience is not cheap.

"How thankful I am today, to know that all my past failures were necessary for me to be where I am now. Through much pain came experience."














I liked this secret. It went along nicely with the passage above that I read today in my daily reading. My decisions, good or bad, do not define who I am. It's just where I am today. We all have our reasons for the things that we do. It's not anyone else's right to judge me.

I remember you...

I love 80's hairband rock music. I admit it. It's cheesy and void of good lyrics. But I love it. Perhaps it's the memories of me in 9th grade, watching Tawny Kattain rolling around on that Whitesnake car, and wishing I had a white dress like that (and trying SO hard to do center splits)- or listening to Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me." and wondering if anyone ever would... But hearing it now always makes me smile and remember when I wanted to be one of those slutty strippers from Motley Crue''s "Girls Girls Girls" video.

I used to have a pink denim skirt that had zippers on both sides. One zip from either zipper and the whole thing fell to the floor. It was a handy tool, but man, slut-ty!! (And they were popular, alot of girls used to wear them, at least the slutty ones) I used to wear this with layered tak tops, or maybe a half top, and then ruffled socks and hot pink heels that matched the skirt. I wore this to school!!! What a floozy.

Now that my wardrobe has classed up a bit, I admit I still like the music.
Maybe it's the memories that it represents.
Back when I was young, and sexy...

...and could do center splits.

Today's reading

Actually it was yesterdays reading, but I didn't get a chance to write last night.

We punish ourselves far more than life ever punishes us. It takes some time before we realize that we have considerable power to change our lives, if we are willing to use it.
I will start by rooting out the doubts and fears that grew so great when my spouse was drinking alchoholically. Even long after sobriety, do I not occasionally wonder wether it will last? Does unexpected lateness make me suspicious that "somethings going on?" Why do I punish myself this way? Why don't I accept God's gift of mental sobriety which is mine for the takin, along with contentment and serenity.
Todays Reminder- Mental sobriety is a state of reasonableness, rational judgement, balance. It is emotioanl sickenss when we continue to be apprehensive and anxious when we have no reason to doubt.
"I will pray today and every day, for healthful, wholesome thinking, so that I may not general trouble for myself.

Typing this out, it means something different than when I read it this morning. When I read it this morning it made me ackowledge just what it says in the first sentence. That any misery that I have, is a choice that I make. Like I have heard in meetings, much of my discomfort comes from my own thinking and that I have the power to be happy if I just make the right choices. There are things that 'plague' me lately- but they are direct results of my choices and I really can't blame that misery on anyone else. This program ruins misery for you. You really can't claim to work a program, and not take responsibility for your happiness.

I can't blame my husband, my kids, or my friends for whatever hardships I may be going through right now. I think that a choice could be made, even if it's a hard one, that would eventually resolve many of the things that make me unhappy,

My mom used to tell me that if you are looking to beat a dog, you can always find a stick. I can always find something to be unhappy about. I can look into the future and see a bleak outlook- see that things may not turn out the way I want them to. Or I can live my life a day at a time, and try to enjoy what I have now. I have alot of good things in my life, alot of good people and lately I have allowed the one thing, the one person, that is not good- to overpower my thoughts and it is making everything else look grey- when it's not. A lot of the relationships I have in my life are good. Those are the ones that I need to let overpower me.
My friends are awesome. My life is actually going somewhere. I have goals that I'm actually on track to achieve. There are people that truly love me. I need to try to remember that today.

I don't know if I have anything to say. I am thinking about all the reasons that I hate this disease. All the things I hate about my life and how much of that I can blame on this disease
I called in sick today because I was still running a fever through the night and when I woke up this morning. I am feeling ok now, but it's already noon and my head is still a little cloudy.
Michael is still sick, I don't even know how many days it's been. I think he was out of bed at some point last week, wasn't he?? We had dinner together on Valentine's Day. But I didn't rest as much as I wanted to. I needed to clean my bedroom, I needed to pick up the toys- I still need to put the boys laundry away, do some more dishes and go grocery shopping. He commented that there was no milk. It's no wonder I'm sick, I never give myself enough time to recover. I feel like I've been sick for weeks. I'm so tired all the time. I am always kind of achy and feverish. For weeks now. I wonder if I'm depressed. Funny, I am not sure. Years ago I used to break out in hives before I left the office, that is how my body responded to the stress of coming home to his drinking.
I talk about this disease as if we are still living with active addiction. I had a dream last night, I think, that I found a bag of his drugs, a pipe and crack. A rock of crack cocaine, that, now that I think about it- was WAY too big to have been real. It was like a stone big enough to break a window... now that's kind of funny. I have never actually SEEN what it looks like, but in my dream it was this big rock, the size of a golf ball- and it was off white, but somewhat cloudy clear and yellowish, this is how I knew it was crack. WHAT??? I have no idea what crack looks like. But in my mind I knew that it what it was and I knew it was his and I didn't know what to do. Strangely, I had no idea. I was terrified because I was being forced to make a decision. Do I stand my ground? Do I hold up my boundaries and make him leave- or I could just put it back and pretend that I never saw it. It's so easy for me to claim that I have, or will have boundaries, when really I think I only have hopes that they won't be challenged. And if history has taught me anything, it's that one way or another, they will- and I have no idea what I will do when that happens. Trust is something that is just not that easy to come by anymore, and even in my dreams- I'm not very hopeful.
One day at a time. Take it Easy.

You made your bed, Now lie in it.

A little more appropriate, I guess.

What I love about cowboys

Last night my sister and I went out to country bar. I have not been to a club in I don't know HOW long. The last time I can remember was my 30's birthday. Oh, over the summer for my cousin's bachelorette party. I remember now. Ok- well anyway- I have not been to a country bar in at least 6 or 7 years. Since before I got married.
But we went last night, just to get out of the house, have a few drinks and do a little dancing. Immediately walking in, I remembered how much I love cowboys. I just love watching the guys get out there and dance. And I just love the whole Cowboy Hat and boots- thing. In another life, my sister and I used to go dancing a few times a week, make alot of noise, kiss alot of cowboys, dance dance dance. The club we went to had it's fair share of the 20-something hoochies in thier teeny tiny tops and all that, but it seemed to be a bit of an older crowd so I didn't feel so out of place. We didn't even stay that long, but we had a blast. Did a little dancing and had a drink and really enjoyed the music and the atmosphere. I left wondering why it had been 7 years since I have been out like this and hoping that it's not another 7 before we do it again.

I came home and fell asleep on the couch, when I woke up- I was burning up and freezing. I had a high fever and I was shaking. I have no idea what I have. I have no other symptoms other than a fever. I went to bed aching, freezing, shaking so much my teeth were chattering. I climbed into bed and commented that I was so cold and that I have a fever. The response I got was a very snippy, "yeah, that's going around." and he just let me lay there, freezing my ass off (until my electric blanket kicked in). Now just a few days back, he came to bed, really cold- and I let him crawl under my blanket, and I got real close to him to help him warm up. I do this often. He gets cold alot. And I was pretty mad that he didn't offer me the same courtesy. What the hell? When your partner climbs into bed and she sick and FREEZING, why would you not help her get warm? Sometimes he's just a hateful hateful man. I don't know why I would expect anything different from him.

A Good Cowboy would have climbed next to me and warmed me up.

If you're not married to her, why is she trying to kill you??

My son is watching TV in the room with me. "Fairly Odd Parents"- and I just heard someone say that. It made me laugh outloud. Even as kids, you learn that your wife will eventually want to kill you.

Michael is sick again today. Sick- or just sick in the head. If he has anything, it's the cold that we all had- but that is hardly a reason to sleep 18 hours a day. He is not taking his medication, that is what is wrong with him. He was up for about three days, started a few projects that he didn't complete and how he's back to bed.... ugh. Well, I will attempt to shove some Wellbutrin down his throat and maybe he will be human again soon. One day at a time.... Take it easy... Keep it simple...

Today is his mom's birthday- tomorrow we are supposed to go over there. I have no idea if we will. His dad called this morning and I told him that the plan was that we were going to- and he asked me to have Michael call his mom in 15 minutes. That was 40 minutes ago. He's such a bastard sometimes. But it's just not my problem. I cannot make excuses for him, and I won't even bother. It's not my mother. I always wonder if I should call and wish her a happy birthday, or if it will be too obvious that he's HASN'T called yet. I don't think I will go without him tomorrow- I hardly want to explain it to them. Besides, this type of thing comes as no suprise to anyone...
I started cleaning house as soon as I got out of bed today. It pisses me off that I have to do the dishes when I have not cooked or eaten more than two meals in this house in the past week and every dish, glass and peice of silverware is dirty. But I will be pleased when it's done and that will have to be enough. I paid Alex $10 to help me with the house cleaning. The dishes are a little more than 1/2 done, the boys bedroom is cleaned, the living room is clean and vaccuumed. It was the best $10 I've spent all week. Today I'm driving Alex to his dad's and having lunch with a dear friend of mine who I never see enough. I can't wait. Gabe is going to my mom's and Danny will be napping around that time here at home with Michael- so his effort level is minimal and I have very little to worry about. I can relax and take it easy and have a good day.

It's about freakin time.

Tear Your Heart Out Tuesday

My thoughts....exactly...










What a Stupid Holiday.

Holidays are usually pretty bad for me and Michael. Maybe it's the pressure of it all. Trying to make everything perfect, trying to get along. I remember in the old days he used to really try to stay sober on those days- but it was hard for him, and things ultimately would turn ugly. And I would sit back and expect him to get drunk, so I would be angry when I woke up in the morning- and then would wait all day for him to get drunk so I could ultimately attack him. It set the stage for many years and may stressful holidays.
I was not exactly looking forward to today- any more than I have dreaded it in the past. It's 7PM and I'm currently on hold to order Pizza for dinner. (Nothing quite says love like Pepperoni...) Hey, I don't have to cook, and I don't even have to pick it up. It's the little things I guess that I can be grateful for.

Today I'm grateful for:

My new job and my old friends.
There is food in the fridge but money in the bank so I can choose to have pizza for dinner, if they ever take me off hold. Apparently I'm not the only one who isn't being taken out to dinner, but still doesn't want to cook.
That my kids are healthy and currently being quiet and well behaved.
That while my brother is not at home, he's alive and safe and knows he's loved.
and
That my best friend forgave me for acting like a jerk today because I was having Valentines Day issues.

Happy V-day. Hope you all get some....

-jules

The Calm

Maybe this is where we are right now, in the calm between storms. The last one was a big one, and it lasted months and month and months, but I feel right now that things are calm. I made somewhat of a decision to 'wait' on making any big decisions between me and Michael. Maybe I will regret it, maybe it will work out great...maybe maybe maybe...but I do not feel confident about it either way. Right now I feel confident not making any decisions. I know that friends will be discouraged and disappointed. But this is the best I can do right now.
Of course, my decision to wait is under certain assumptions: no drinking, no drugs, getting a job, and taking care of his health. Also I know that this will only work if I STOP enabling and I set and stick to those boundaries. Doing that will keep me from even MORE resentment.
Late last year we had a situation in which I clearly stepped in and saved him from his consequences. I did it, thinking that I would NOT resent him later because I knew that helping was a choice I was making and I was within my right NOT to help him out and let him suffer the financial, mental and physical consequences of his actions. But today I find that is something I do resent him for. A LOT. But as my sponsor told me the night I did it- I had a choice to let him suffer- and saving him from his consequences is not me purchasing the right to make him suffer at my hands. Now, I feel what I feel- right or wrong. But somewhere along the lines, I have to make some changes and NOT allow that to keep happening. If he uses drugs, he has to leave. If he drinks, steals whatever- he HAS TO LEAVE. He can't keep treating me like this. (And incidentally I have said that for years, and just hoped that eventually he'd just 'quit it'- without me actually DOING anything) But I know that I have let him effect my life and my family. I have allowed it. I have allowed him to spend my money, steal my belongings all of that really really REALLY unacceptable shit- with little more than some yelling, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I just wanted him to know that I knew what he did, and I didn't even want to talk about it. Excuse me while I turn away and hate you silently and expect you to make changes because it's the right thing to do. I know I need to be less of a doormat and stick to some boundaries.
School and the kids. It's killing me already. I am exhausted after work, and then to go to school and have homework to do at night. I am tired and have very little left for the kids. I'm tired all the time, and I know that is why I'm sick right now. And most of the time, him being here is helpful. Maybe if he had moved out before classes started I could have forced myself into this role- of fulltime working, fulltime student, single super-mom (yeah, please raise your hands if you did this and loved every second of it). But looking at it from this angle, I just don't really want to do it. It is important that I take the hardest possible route to do everything???
So I analyzed how I could make it work- why it wasn't working, and of course, what my role is. And I that is what I came up with on my end. Enable, rescue, coddle, martyr...resent resent resent. Keeping my side of the street clean is about more than not saying the mean things that come to my head. It's also, I think, about not doing anything that will pave the way for me to resent him even more.
I don't know how much can be salvaged from this marriage. I don't suspect we are going to fall madly in love again. That seems unlikely. I think people stay together for all sorts of reasons. And right now, this is the reason. There I said it. Sorry if you don't like it. I suspect there will be alot who don't. But it's my life and right now, for the reasons that I mentioned, and some that I didn't- this is the choice I have made for now.
Maybe tomorrow he will do someting spectaularly wrong and I'll throw him out on his ass. Yeah, cause that is so like me.... but you never know. My sponsor told me that eventually the path will narrow and the obvious choice will become more evident. And this seems to be obvious choice to me, even though I'm sure it's not obvious to anyone else. And that's ok too. You simply haven't walked in my shoes, and alot of you who know and love me- never put me up to my own role in this. My sponsor does. People in program do. People who want to understand me, and not just force thier own opinions on me- do, or at least they try to. They know that I have played a role here. It's not called it a family disease for nothing. Everyone plays a part.

Parenting frustration

The kids are going to be very sorry to cross me today. I've really had it with the way Gabriel yells out orders at me. The way that Daniel screams at the top of his lungs if you don't move fast enough to get him what he wants. I really am at my wits end with both of these kids today and I'm tempted to get in my car and drive away and not come back until they are 14.

For breakfast this morning I made the boys waffles and a banana. These kids eat alot of bananas AND waffles. They are big favorites. This morning I actually put some syrup (sugar free) on them and Gabe ate it up fast, and then yelled that he wanted more waffles- but no banana. And I'm really tired of making him exactly what he asks for at breakfast, and then getting yelled at because he has changed his mind. So he is currently sitting at the table, in front of his banana- screaming because he doesn't want his banana. I told him that he can sit there until he changes his mind. I turned off the TV. If I give that banana to Danny, he will freak out even more. Or, I can throw the banana away, or eat it myself and he will want it again. I told him that if he eats his banana, I will make him another waffle.

This is NOT about waffles or bananas really- it's about the fact that my boys have turned into these spoiled screaming monsters that I do not enjoy being around in the short time I have with them every week. This week they have both gone to bed hungry at least twice because at one time or another they have decided not to eat what I put in front of them. I'm not a short order cook and what they have to eat is not complicated. So he can sit there in front of that banana until lunch time. I'm so tired of this... He's having a stand off with me. He's fuckin three years old and I am so irritated I want to throw the banana away and put back in bed until tomorrow. Danny finished his waffle and banana quickly, and I will gladly make Gabe another waffle, but first he is going to finish that banana. He's eating it, painfully slowly, and glaring at me with every bite. But I swear, that kid is going to eat that banana if it takes him all day. This is a tactic my mother used.... alot of mothers use...so I will give it a try. I am not going to lose this battle. Not today.

Half Nekkid Thursday

So I've seen lots of blogs participating in Half Nekkid Thursday...I've also seen Braless Tuesday, but on me, it's not as pretty as it sounds..... anyway- here is my contribution to HNT.




His new thing is that he can take his pants on and off. So he does it all the time and he's so excited about it.... it's these proud moments that make me so glad to be a mom!!!

So...what's going on with that situation?

Someone asked me that today, regarding the whole husband moving out thing....

And I answered honestly, but in more words than this..."I just don't have any energy to give to him right now." And that's the truth. I don't want to fight him right now. I don't want to push the issue or rock the boat because right now, the waters may not be smooth, but they are not so rocky that I am getting sea sick.
Right now I am looking to put/keep together the other peices of my life.
School is underway and while it's slow to start, it's moving along. I got the OK from my boss today to come in early, take a mid day class and leave a little later two days a week. So I was able to drop the class with the condescending professor who, when she explained that she had attended the Sundance Film Festival said, "It's hosted my Robert Redford- do you know who Robert Redford is?"
I wanted to walk right out.
Instead I made some arrangements and dropped her class.
No thank you Miss-Snooty-pants-I-gratuated-from-Columbia, I prefer to be treated like an adult.
And I'm excited about the class I added, because it's an upper division class that I didn't originally register for because I didn't think I could work it into my schedule. I am learning that it's a shame to miss out on opportunities, just because I was too afraid to ask.
Work is going fantastic. I really love my job, and my boss is so great. Today she sat down and went over a lecture with me on Neurological Anatomy and Physiology. It was so cool. I do NOT feel like an idiot with her. For YEARS when I talked to my boss- I felt SO stupid all the time. I felt completely inadequate and uneducated. Afraid of, less than, and inferior to.... amen. But lately, I don't feel that way. I am so lucky that I am trying to surround myself with people who think I'm smart enough to learn the things I don't know.
I'm trying to put forth some effort every night to clean this house. Even if it never gets 100% clean, if every night I can get it back to it's 'baseline' mess, and clean up 5% more, perhaps by the end of the month it will be clean. Little steps. I can't do it all.
So I'm trying to juggle these things. New job, new school, managing this house, paying the bills, maintaining my sanity...I don't have time to handle that 'situtaion' right now, I don't want to put forth any energy to it. I sensed that the person who asked was not exactly thrilled with my answer- but she will have have to live with it... or really, she doesn't. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and not bitch. Every day I am allowing him to live here, is another day that I don't get to complain about it. I know that. But today I feel I have less to complain about anyway- so maybe that puts me on top.

Sometimes you can make friends in the strangest ways....

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Sunday, February 05, 2006 10:39 AM
To: Frank@docdel.com

I go to an all girls boarding school. Sometimes girls can be so tough on one another. I know this for a fact.
We were in a physics lesson once, and we were learning about static electricity. We blew up balloons, rubbed them on our jumpers, did the experiment. No problem. Till someone accidentally popped their balloon on a pin. Then everyone started doing it. 14 balloons popped all at once. A girl couldn't take it, she just couldn't. She screamed and cried. We didn't know what was wrong. She really screamed.
We then found out that she has a phobia of balloon popping. Then some girls did it more just to pest her. How awful, I didn't know what to do, so I punched those 2 girls. Then I got suspended. But I feel as if I did something good for that girl.
-England

(This was copied right out of Postsecret.)

Back to Bedlam

This is from my brothers blog- they are pretty moving pictures and I can't seem to get my head around what I want to say about it.

I'm feeling sick today- I think I'm getting what they boys had this week. I have been doing laundry since 8AM, and now it's noon, and I still have more to do. I have to stop though- my head is pounding and spinning at the same time. I was going to see a movie today, and/or meet a friend for lunch- but I just don't think I can do much more. I left two totally opposite message for my friend about getting together today- one saying I can't- and one, left 2 minutes later saying I'd really like to. But now I just want to crawl in bed. I haven't heard from her, perhaps it can be heard in my voice that I'm out of my head today and I am to be avoided like the plague.

There is so much to do here. More laundry, more cleaning, grocery shopping...and homework- oh right, homework. And all I want to do is crawl in to bed.
Michael was in bed all day yesterday- and today looks like it will be much of the same. He probably already has what the boys had- because he was with them more.
The difference between him and me, is that he can be sick- in bed. I still have shit to do. I just have to do it sick. Ok, I won't complain anymore.

I bought two new CD's yesterday. Destiny's Child, #1's. I love Greatest Hits CD's.
And I bought a new one from James Blunt. His voice is so haunting to me.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an anger with a smile on her face.
When she thought that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth.
I will never be with you.

I haven't listened to the whole CD yet, but I did read the lyrics to some of the songs. There is one song, Goodbye My Lover- and I haven't even heard the song yet- but reading the lyrics made me cry.
yeah, I can be like that sometimes....
such a chick..

Just put in two more loads of laundry. I'm stopping now. On to the next task of domestic bondage.

Happy Superbowl Sunday!!

-j

Today's reading...and massacre

It starts "I thought that if I stopped enabling the alcoholic in my life, the drinking would stop."

The first thing I thought- and didn't even finish reading the page was that the drinking stopped when it had to. That had nothing to do with me. What DIDN'T stop- was the enabling. And that's all me baby....

My husband still has issues. He still does things that piss me off unbelieveably. He still takes me for granted and his behavior can still be unacceptable- but in the end he is not drinking, and he's not using drugs. And I am still enabling him and taking care of his responsibilities and protecting him from the consequences of his actions. At least a good portion of them. It will be hard to stop doing that- and the only way we can break this cycle is to separate. For as much logic as I try to use, in the end, I still feel inclined to help him and accept the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps because it's been going on for a long time, and I just don't seem to know any other way. It is not easy for me to just stop fixing what needs fixing- it's what I DO... And it's very easy for him to simply assume that I WILL fix his problems- why would he not?- I always have before.

I am finally in the last legs of dealing with my van. I am so glad to be rid of it. I have already sold it to someone- and now I just have to wait for the check from my insurance company, and send the paperwork to the DMV. My brother has offered to sell me HIS van- which I am so excited about!!! It's a really nice van- the kind of van that a cool broad like me SHOULD be driving.

uhhhhh- ok, here's something notable... There are ants in my freezer. ANTS!!! Lots of them. And you know, ants don't do well in the freezer. So there are DEAD ants in my freezer. Luckily there is no food in the freezer that wasn't in a box- but now I have to go through every shelf and throw away the frozen ant corpses. At the bottom of my freezer, there is a PILE of dead ants. A small pile, but a PILE just the same- like 1/8 of a cup worth- of DEAD FUCKING ANTS. I wonder just how many ants an 1/8 of a cup actually IS? A hundred, two hundred?? I suspect these brave soldiers tried to make thier way up the side and then succombed to the elements, froze and fell to thier deaths. Many many MANY ant soldiers tried this apparently. The only LIVE ants are (were) the ones that are below the seal of the freezer. None of the ones that "went in" made it out. Perhaps nobody was able to get out the signal to the ones that were following. Attempts to reach the top of the freezer are futile- abort mission, repeat- it's too fucking cold- ABORT MISSION. You'd think the PILE of dead ants might have made one stop and think, hmmmm, I wonder why I will be any different??

And if you are wondering, my refrigerator is too big for the space that they give it in the kitchen, so it is just outside of the kitchen- on a floor mat, on the carpet. The ants traveled from a hole in the wall, across the carpet- to the bottom of my fridge and never made it past the freezer. Had they just gone straight to the fridge, they may have been successful and made it to some slices and uncovered apples- and some loosely covered leftoevers- but there appear to be no chilly ants- just dead frozen ones. What a massacre.


So I did remove the frozen boxes- killed the ants that were still 'fortunate' to have not attempted the journey- and now I get the fun of wiping them away. I am tempted to suck the pile of ants with my new Dirt Devil, bagless vacuum cleaner- watch those little bastards spinning around in the little plastic cup....


I'm out.... take care.