I don't know if I have anything to say. I am thinking about all the reasons that I hate this disease. All the things I hate about my life and how much of that I can blame on this disease
I called in sick today because I was still running a fever through the night and when I woke up this morning. I am feeling ok now, but it's already noon and my head is still a little cloudy.
Michael is still sick, I don't even know how many days it's been. I think he was out of bed at some point last week, wasn't he?? We had dinner together on Valentine's Day. But I didn't rest as much as I wanted to. I needed to clean my bedroom, I needed to pick up the toys- I still need to put the boys laundry away, do some more dishes and go grocery shopping. He commented that there was no milk. It's no wonder I'm sick, I never give myself enough time to recover. I feel like I've been sick for weeks. I'm so tired all the time. I am always kind of achy and feverish. For weeks now. I wonder if I'm depressed. Funny, I am not sure. Years ago I used to break out in hives before I left the office, that is how my body responded to the stress of coming home to his drinking.
I talk about this disease as if we are still living with active addiction. I had a dream last night, I think, that I found a bag of his drugs, a pipe and crack. A rock of crack cocaine, that, now that I think about it- was WAY too big to have been real. It was like a stone big enough to break a window... now that's kind of funny. I have never actually SEEN what it looks like, but in my dream it was this big rock, the size of a golf ball- and it was off white, but somewhat cloudy clear and yellowish, this is how I knew it was crack. WHAT??? I have no idea what crack looks like. But in my mind I knew that it what it was and I knew it was his and I didn't know what to do. Strangely, I had no idea. I was terrified because I was being forced to make a decision. Do I stand my ground? Do I hold up my boundaries and make him leave- or I could just put it back and pretend that I never saw it. It's so easy for me to claim that I have, or will have boundaries, when really I think I only have hopes that they won't be challenged. And if history has taught me anything, it's that one way or another, they will- and I have no idea what I will do when that happens. Trust is something that is just not that easy to come by anymore, and even in my dreams- I'm not very hopeful.
One day at a time. Take it Easy.

You made your bed, Now lie in it.

A little more appropriate, I guess.