The Calm

Maybe this is where we are right now, in the calm between storms. The last one was a big one, and it lasted months and month and months, but I feel right now that things are calm. I made somewhat of a decision to 'wait' on making any big decisions between me and Michael. Maybe I will regret it, maybe it will work out great...maybe maybe maybe...but I do not feel confident about it either way. Right now I feel confident not making any decisions. I know that friends will be discouraged and disappointed. But this is the best I can do right now.
Of course, my decision to wait is under certain assumptions: no drinking, no drugs, getting a job, and taking care of his health. Also I know that this will only work if I STOP enabling and I set and stick to those boundaries. Doing that will keep me from even MORE resentment.
Late last year we had a situation in which I clearly stepped in and saved him from his consequences. I did it, thinking that I would NOT resent him later because I knew that helping was a choice I was making and I was within my right NOT to help him out and let him suffer the financial, mental and physical consequences of his actions. But today I find that is something I do resent him for. A LOT. But as my sponsor told me the night I did it- I had a choice to let him suffer- and saving him from his consequences is not me purchasing the right to make him suffer at my hands. Now, I feel what I feel- right or wrong. But somewhere along the lines, I have to make some changes and NOT allow that to keep happening. If he uses drugs, he has to leave. If he drinks, steals whatever- he HAS TO LEAVE. He can't keep treating me like this. (And incidentally I have said that for years, and just hoped that eventually he'd just 'quit it'- without me actually DOING anything) But I know that I have let him effect my life and my family. I have allowed it. I have allowed him to spend my money, steal my belongings all of that really really REALLY unacceptable shit- with little more than some yelling, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I just wanted him to know that I knew what he did, and I didn't even want to talk about it. Excuse me while I turn away and hate you silently and expect you to make changes because it's the right thing to do. I know I need to be less of a doormat and stick to some boundaries.
School and the kids. It's killing me already. I am exhausted after work, and then to go to school and have homework to do at night. I am tired and have very little left for the kids. I'm tired all the time, and I know that is why I'm sick right now. And most of the time, him being here is helpful. Maybe if he had moved out before classes started I could have forced myself into this role- of fulltime working, fulltime student, single super-mom (yeah, please raise your hands if you did this and loved every second of it). But looking at it from this angle, I just don't really want to do it. It is important that I take the hardest possible route to do everything???
So I analyzed how I could make it work- why it wasn't working, and of course, what my role is. And I that is what I came up with on my end. Enable, rescue, coddle, martyr...resent resent resent. Keeping my side of the street clean is about more than not saying the mean things that come to my head. It's also, I think, about not doing anything that will pave the way for me to resent him even more.
I don't know how much can be salvaged from this marriage. I don't suspect we are going to fall madly in love again. That seems unlikely. I think people stay together for all sorts of reasons. And right now, this is the reason. There I said it. Sorry if you don't like it. I suspect there will be alot who don't. But it's my life and right now, for the reasons that I mentioned, and some that I didn't- this is the choice I have made for now.
Maybe tomorrow he will do someting spectaularly wrong and I'll throw him out on his ass. Yeah, cause that is so like me.... but you never know. My sponsor told me that eventually the path will narrow and the obvious choice will become more evident. And this seems to be obvious choice to me, even though I'm sure it's not obvious to anyone else. And that's ok too. You simply haven't walked in my shoes, and alot of you who know and love me- never put me up to my own role in this. My sponsor does. People in program do. People who want to understand me, and not just force thier own opinions on me- do, or at least they try to. They know that I have played a role here. It's not called it a family disease for nothing. Everyone plays a part.