So while I will ignore the animation, I will tell a weird tale. When I was 14, I was pursued and eventually dated a boy. My first boyfriend and my first love. He was my first real experimentation with sex, although we never had sex.
After about 6 months of going out, he became distant and said that I was too needy. I relied on him for too much and he didn't like that I wanted to spend my every minute with him. Now, this was news to me, because up until this point, it's what HE wanted also.
After 6 months, he met another girl and broke up with me. I was devastated for a long time. I comforted myself by going out and making out with his friends (who were also my friends) behind his back all the while somewhat waiting for him to come back. I waited for almost a year. The whole time trying to be his friend, supportive and cheerful but always waiting for him to tell me he wanted me back. It was a wretched time, and I remember still allowing him to sort of wander in and out of my life. He was very critical of me, and while we only dated for 6 months of my sophmore year, it is he who I really identify to as the "High School Boyfriend."
My senior year he wrote me a letter telling me he was still in love with me and that he wanted me to break up with the boyfriend I had so we could start again. I remember being both sad and happy and that I was going to break up with that boyfriend so he and I could start again. I told him I wanted to talk to him after school about it- and this is when he confessed, rather hatefully that he was kidding and just wanted to see what I would do. I was devastated, but you know, I still had a boyfriend. It was mostly then, that I realized the it was over between us forever and he had become this hateful mean person. I couldn't understand why he hated me so much, he had broken up with ME after all.
So yesterday I found him on Facebook. I had sort of looked for him over the years but his name is insanely common, so I never really knew. This time, it was him as plain as day. I friended him on Facebook, exclaiming, "Holy crap! How the hell are you." He emailed me later that day- and to be honest we have spent the better part of the last 24 hours catching up.
It occurred to me, just yesterday that the relationship we had was really dysfunctional. He was very controlling and I was very accommodating. He was 14, although for some reason he always seemed older than me. We turned 15 at the same time and he was already driving, he had a job. He took care of things and I adored him. I wanted nothing more than to please him and to keep that steady flow of love and attention he gave me. I clung to him to save me from the fact that my step dad hated me and my real father was dead. I was a pushover and people pleaser and he seemed to really care about me and what made me happy. Of course, what made me happy- was making him happy and being a part of that 'coupleness.'
What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.
Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.
While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.
I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.
It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.
Jesus.
It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.
It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.
What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.
Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.
While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.
I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.
It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.
Jesus.
It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.
It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing that.
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