Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?

I found out yesterday that through some very cool changes in my Masters program, I will be graduating in January, A few months before schedule. This is very happy news. I was getting ready to just quit. Really. I'm exhausted with school. Ive been in college with no longer than an 8 week break since 1995.

"Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?"

No comment, made to the child born in 1994.

So in discussing this with C, (in a minute) I said, "Yeah really need to start looking for a new job."

His response was, "Well I was more thinking along the lines of- wow now you're going to have to pay all your loans back."

It's a double edge. Being done with school means I will no longer have that flow of extra income known as Student Loans. I can defer for 6 months after graduation, but then I have to have a job actually MAKING enough to cover the money I used in loans, and make a sizeable monthly payment. It's been worth it. Without it I simply would not have survived all these years. I have graduate level education before age 40. Seriously something that, when I was 23- I NEVER EVER would have dreamed of.

So my next step is obvious. Get a better job, make more money.

This year is all about transition and change. It's all about doing things differently. There's a lot about me that the readers of only this blog and not the others don't know (especially because I have truly sucked as a blogger this year). However, things are different in my life and with me finally finishing school and getting divorced- who knows what kind of changes are in store for me?

November 1- already?

I'm going to try to post something daily. It's good for me to write. The past 8 weeks I've been sucked into the worst finance class ever. It was good to know that EVERYONE was frustrated and did poorly in this class, I'm not just stupid.

My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 38. Holy fuck. It's strange, getting older. The reminders are harsh and usually shameful. I'm reminded when I find myself noticing boys that are too young for me. I'm reminded when TV shows like 90210 are ridiculous to me. I'm reminded when I pick up Womans Day magazine and not Self.

I'm not afraid of getting older. i'm excited about moving forward.

I'm headed to NYC for the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party. It'll be great to see my friends, and see the city. I hope the weather holds up.

Ok- I'm going to try to post more, but first, I'm going to try to have something to write about!! I won't ramble nonsense. I hate that.

Stuff I'd like to see/ do on this trip.

Brooklyn Bridge

Empire State Building

Staten Island Ferry/ Statue of Liberty

James Farley Post Office

Really, that's not much.

I'm on your side....

I know I will get killed for posting these pictures. Sorry girls.

When I was a Freshmen in HS, I met Carrie. She introduced me to Christie, and Abigail. Well, I think she introduced me to Christie. Definitely Abigail. This was Freshmen year and for the next three years the three of us were BFF's.
Sort of.

There's always a weird dynamic in girl groups. Rarely is everyone equally friendly with everyone else.

Carrie and me
Christie and me
Christie and Abigail
Carrie and Abigail

see what's missing??

Carrie and Christie
Abigail and Me

What came between us?
Hmm, what do you think???

It was more than that really- sometimes it was temperament, personality, and sometimes just jealousy. Who knows really- however it was always sort of there. Of course though, we all spent lots of time together. As many of the whole group as possible. The other three girls were in choir, and I used to go to EVERY choir concert to watch and support. We supported each other and we were there for each other and did the best we could to get along, for the sake of the group.

There were guys, and fights... and fights over guys.

Gossip, backstabbing... and crying.

By senior year, we had somewhat outgrown the friendship it seemed. Christie and I remained close but really the rest of the 4some had somewhat dismantled and gone separate ways. Maybe the reason I have so few memories of my senior year, is because I didn't share it with them. I remember once telling Carrie that she's just someone I used to be friends with. She told me that it was probably the most hurtful think I'd ever say to her. She's probably right.

After graduation, Carrie and I reconciled and have remained best friends. Christie and I faded off and on, more off than on- over the next 20 years. Abigail nobody really heard from until a few months ago. I think she and Carrie had a falling out of sorts a year after graduation.

Abigail and I have been corresponding via Facebook for the past few months I guess. It's been nice, really nice. 20 years and that relationship has come full circle and really I can't really remember the reason we didn't get along. I mean, other than fighting for Carrie's attention... oh yeah, and the one guy... dumb.

Looking back, it's all kind of foolish.

Abigail is going to be in town next week. We are going to get together. Get together with our kids, and then just us- hang out, have some drinks... Girl stuff. I really can't wait. It's so important for me to heal old wounds.

High school is a wound for all of us- that much I know. A reunion, of sorts, would be healing for all of us I think.

The 20 year reunion of our high school is coming up at the end of the summer. Abigail is going to be there, and I will be there too. Christie and Carrie are not coming. I wish they were. It would be great to get an updated picture. It would be great to know that the troubled water really IS under the bridge.

It would be great to embrace my friends. To laugh with them and be in that safe place. I don't know why these types of things are so important to me. Maybe I read too many books or watch too many movies- but I don't want the next time that the 4 of us are in the same place to be some tragedy. It's great for the movies, but nothing I want to really experience. Who knows, maybe it wasn't as important to the others as it was for me. Maybe the other girls just don't care or have lives that are so full that they don't need to revisit those days. Maybe it just meant more to me than it did to anyone else. I don't know.

I just wish... I wish that we could all be together. Not the high school reunion, the cliques and the prom with booze and blood pressure medication, but my friends.

The 4 of us.

Don't hate me cause I'm nekkid...

Statistics is making me crazy. Seriously batshit crazy. I have not hated a class this much since 12th grade algebra.

Last night I had somewhat of an anxiety attack over my inability to figure this out.

I handled it with a Xanax and a few Vicodin.
Then I let my husband take advantage of me.
We all have our ways of dealing with things.

Even rage takes a vacation sometimes...



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!!

Dear Financial Aid Office:

Based on your records, the bank disbursed my school funds on 1/16/09. You got paid for this semesters tuition on the 16th. All is well in your financial aid world.

However, as of today the money has still not been released from the school. Um- hello???

I am paying interest on this money as of the date that the bank let it go. 10 days now. 10 days of interest on money that I don't have and I am therefore bouncing shit, as of... today. If I could avoid this phenomenon, I wouldn't need to borrow so much money to begin with.

So if you wouldn't mind... I'd really appreciate it. k??

This starving student, mother of three, and head of a single income family would really like to eat this week and it'd be just SUPER if you'd go ahead and release the funds that I'm already paying interest on. so you know, like, today... please?

seriously.

-julie


update 2:15 PM Thank you, financial aid office. I promise I will make it last 16 weeks.

My first semester in Grad School

It's almost over. I have a few assignments a few assignments to complete and then I'm done. Two classes down, 14 to go!!! See me learnin...

This semester was not as hard as I was expecting it to be. It was a lot of work. I wrote 16 papers in the last 16 weeks. I think that may be the same amount that I wrote in all of undergraduate school. I think it was not so hard because these first two classes were more general studies in health care. Next semester is Research Methods and Quantitative Analysis (which will be a lot of statistics) and Health Economics. While I have never been very good at Econ, I really am interested in this class. God knows I didn't learn much in my undergrad Econ class. My teacher was a mess and he was confusing and unfocused. However I really would like to know exactly HOW we can get out of this health care mess we are in.

I would like to understand exactly how the cost of health care goes up- when Insurance Companies and the Federal Government have fixed/contracted rates and the uninsured often don't pay at all. I mean technically I can CHARGE whatever I want to for services, but if I have a contract that says that 75% of my payors are only going to pay X dollars... you see where I'm going with this.

I'm struggling with my career choice though- because while clinical people make the bigger dollars- administrators are not always so lucky. Right now I consider myself VERY lucky to have a job. Neurology is sexy right now- I believe the Hand Clinic was completely dissolved.

Hopefully I have made the right decision by staying in Health Care and not making the jump to public health. I have a little more passion for that- but this is a path of lesser resistance. That's my style, you know??

I think I will complete this semester with an A and B. I am very close to an A in this second class, but I think even with my best efforts, I will be just shy of that 90% . It's worth it- it was a hell of a New York trip.

What do you mean, you don't have a rabbit??

I changed my background again. I don't know why, this place needed a facelift, I think. If I don't like it I will go back to the other one. I'll try this out for a while though.

So I signed up and I'm a Temptation Parties Consultant. Starting to feel a weird pang of 'what have I done?' but if nothing else I just bought like 8 new dildos- and that's worth $140 in itself I guess. That's less than $20 each, and there's a Rabbit in there, so you know- that right there is worth at least $60. Wait, you don't HAVE a rabbit? I have THREE of them!

*The original rabbit, where the controller is connected by a wire and it takes three C batteries.
*A rechargeable rabbit- that takes no batteries and the controller is at the base.
*My NEW rabbit that takes 4 AA batteries, the controller is at the base... and ummm, it thrusts. Can you say... "hell yeah!!"

I have a few people interested in having parties, and really I don't want to do more than two shows a month, maybe three. School takes a lot of mental energy and this class is relatively simple, I don't expect them to stay that way.

Anyway, so I'm gonna try to do a few shows a month- I'm not trying to make millions here- but it will get me out of the house, I can meet new people make SOME money and have a platform to say cunt and cock. Ok, so maybe I won't say 'cunt.' Perhaps I'll go with something nice like 'vag' or 'pussy'. "Vagina" doesn't bother me- but only when used in an anatomical sense. So my mind is filled with ideas for party games. I really DOUBT I will play "who here can deep throat?" cause that will just lead that way for demonstrations and I am not sure I want to go there.

Yesterday I commented that I am on my meds. They are back in my body and taking effect, I can tell because at night, I'm tired. One of the things the Lexapro did for me was help me to sleep at night. It's hard to stay up until 12am studying or otherwise because by 9:30- I'm TIRED. You'd think I was almost 40.

Well, ok, so maybe I AM almost 40. like in 3 years, whatever bitches.

Class One, Week 1.

So this is the end of Week 1 in school. I am glad to be back in and I see that I can't get behind. I have a two page paper due today. I wrote it already, I suspect that it sucks. The topic was vague and combined research stuff with personal experience and goals.

APA format bothers me because the left side is flush, and the right side is left jagged. I am more of a "total justify" so it looks nice and square

It's not esthetically pleasing and it looks wrong, which gives me stress. Also, does a two page paper need a cover sheet? And really, this is stupid:



There's almost more on that cover page example than the actual paper. Seems like the header should start on page two... and really "Running head:" it's supposed to SAY that. That's fucking annoying. Two different resources say that is how it's done. I just want to know WHY??

I need a deadline, people.

I don't post here as often as I should. My real life is so insanely boring sometimes and that even the few sparks of interest are sort of drowned out int the monotony.
I got accepted into Grad School. yah me. It's not as if I was worried about NOT getting accepted- the program is not compacted or anything. The entire world is not interested in going into Health Care Administration. Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure that I am dying to spend my life dedicated to health care management either, but it's what I do now- and knowing me, I will probably do for a decade at least. At least.

My enrollment adviser at Walden and I have been talking for almost a year now. I contacted him before my last semester at Long Beach and we have been friends ever since. I even considered going into the MBA program instead, but the adviser for that program was not half as much fun to talk to. I was pleased to go back and work with Evan. He's professional and funny- and truth be told, he's insanely cute. So yesterday he called me to tell me that I had been accepted into the program for my MHA. It's much more exciting to get a call or a letter in the mail rather than an email. Emails can really be kind of anti-climactic. You can't jump up and down, holding your laptop and running around showing the email to people. I mean, you can- but that's lame- and I try not to show my laptop screen to too many people- I just never knew when an IM window will pop up with "What's up, you dirty slut?"

A phone call or a letter in your hand is a cool way to receive good news. In the movies you see people at the mailbox, jumping up and down, family members surrounding them and hugging. Of course I did not jump up and down or anything- but if I wanted to- I could have cause Evan called me. He understands that I wanted the call- and NOT the email. He and I have been working together for almost a year now, we're friends now. We talk about family (me) and travel (him) and school and work. It's been fun and I'm sure I will remain friends with him. 8 days after school starts, he is no longer my adviser and then I am free to flirt shamelessly. Or he is free to flirt back, I guess. very nice.

So I'm a grad student now. How amazing is that? My life is going to run in 8 week increments for the next 2.76 years. $50K more in student loans, making a GRAND total of $90K (and change) that I will have borrowed to supplement my income over 8 total years of college. Grad school is the first time that any of the money I have borrowed will actually go towards tuition. I've have received grants and scholarships that have paid for every dime of my tuition up until now. If I was a two income family, I would never have needed the loans- but you know- the kids gotta eat.

So besides the insane price tag of my education, which really just means that in exchange for me borrowing money to feed everyone, I get an education too- I'm really glad to get back into it. My brain is jello, which is how it always is at the end of summer. I'm slow and bored and dying to study something. I need due dates and homework and index cards.

Somebody teach me something before I slip into a coma.
please.

Save my soul

I found this video on another blog and strangely on the same day as the event I will describe below.

So while I will ignore the animation, I will tell a weird tale. When I was 14, I was pursued and eventually dated a boy. My first boyfriend and my first love. He was my first real experimentation with sex, although we never had sex.

After about 6 months of going out, he became distant and said that I was too needy. I relied on him for too much and he didn't like that I wanted to spend my every minute with him. Now, this was news to me, because up until this point, it's what HE wanted also.

After 6 months, he met another girl and broke up with me. I was devastated for a long time. I comforted myself by going out and making out with his friends (who were also my friends) behind his back all the while somewhat waiting for him to come back. I waited for almost a year. The whole time trying to be his friend, supportive and cheerful but always waiting for him to tell me he wanted me back. It was a wretched time, and I remember still allowing him to sort of wander in and out of my life. He was very critical of me, and while we only dated for 6 months of my sophmore year, it is he who I really identify to as the "High School Boyfriend."

My senior year he wrote me a letter telling me he was still in love with me and that he wanted me to break up with the boyfriend I had so we could start again. I remember being both sad and happy and that I was going to break up with that boyfriend so he and I could start again. I told him I wanted to talk to him after school about it- and this is when he confessed, rather hatefully that he was kidding and just wanted to see what I would do. I was devastated, but you know, I still had a boyfriend. It was mostly then, that I realized the it was over between us forever and he had become this hateful mean person. I couldn't understand why he hated me so much, he had broken up with ME after all.

So yesterday I found him on Facebook. I had sort of looked for him over the years but his name is insanely common, so I never really knew. This time, it was him as plain as day. I friended him on Facebook, exclaiming, "Holy crap! How the hell are you." He emailed me later that day- and to be honest we have spent the better part of the last 24 hours catching up.

It occurred to me, just yesterday that the relationship we had was really dysfunctional. He was very controlling and I was very accommodating. He was 14, although for some reason he always seemed older than me. We turned 15 at the same time and he was already driving, he had a job. He took care of things and I adored him. I wanted nothing more than to please him and to keep that steady flow of love and attention he gave me. I clung to him to save me from the fact that my step dad hated me and my real father was dead. I was a pushover and people pleaser and he seemed to really care about me and what made me happy. Of course, what made me happy- was making him happy and being a part of that 'coupleness.'

What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.

Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.

While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.

I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.

It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.

Jesus.

It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.

It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.

Half Nekkid Thursday- the aftermath

The last few days have been a bit blurry. Graduation is over and I'm getting ready for my NY trip in two weeks!! I can't wait!!

Now that graduation is over, I am trying to get back in to the swing of just being home. No homework, and just taking care of my kids and my house and the e-husband who is not doing as well as I'd like to report.

I feel a bit out of sorts I guess. Transitioning. Fuzzy.

Somebody shake me up, wake me up, and push me forward.


(and clickity click)

Half Nekkid Graduate.

So that's it. I'm done.
Yes, it feels as good as I was hoping.
It is such a huge relief and sense of accomplishment for me.





Happy Half Nekkid Thursday. Congratulations to my classmates.
Happy Summer to everyone.

And for those of you who never made the connection before... yes... I am her. surprised???

I'm done

Anxiety, worry, care, concern, solicitude. These nouns refer to troubled states of mind.

Does that really say 5 days?? Holy shit.

I find myself somewhat frozen with fear. I can't explain it. It's like I have planned for a very long time to scale a mountain- and I'm just below the summit. I can see it and suddenly I have to pee and I wonder if I should go back so I don't pee my pants and ruin my new boots.

For those of you who know me, you knew this moment of dread was coming for me. Where is the other shoe and how much noise is it going to make when it drops?? What is standing in the way of me finishing is one essay question that I can't even get wrong because it's ethics and there is no right or wrong. It's taken me two weeks to finish two questions. I did one last night at 2AM It's due tonight. Why am I waiting to finish it?

The e-husband said, "Just get it done. Finish it for fucks sake. What are you afraid of?"

nothing. and everything.

People are asking- so what are you going to do now?

DO? I have to DO something?? Suddenly I am thrust into this "now that you are all grow'ed up- what do you want to be?" scenario. My brother is looking up government/ better paying jobs for me. My boss wants me to present things at meetings. My kids want me to plan summer vacations. The e-husband wants quality time. Me? I just want to run away. I want to scream, "Ok- I did it. Life- get better ok?" Mr. Better Days show up and bring Mr. Career Opportunity with you ok, my dues- they are paid. I have receipts. I've been hitting the Xanax for the past three days- and a few hits of something else. My anxiety and blood pressure is up and I hate this about myself.

Just spaz down right? Be happy. Be proud of yourself. Stop being such a god damn mother fucking drama queen and "sit down and chill the fuck out" (as sung by D-man in his song, "Used to be a punk rocker, but now you're just a dick").

Why do I feel like life is just about to get harder?? What the fuck is the matter with me? Where did I pick up this bill of sale for "damaged goods" that comes with the added benefit of feeling as if the thought of life getting easier is just asking for trouble?

Captain Xanax? Captain Xanax to home base? Come in, Captain.

Half Nekkid Finals

One more week. One more paper. One more test. I'm so over this.

I think I should be able to just pay money and bypass my finals, don't you think??

Two weeks.

Two weeks people. Graduation in two weeks. It so surreal I want to throw up.

A few things have changed. I'm putting off grad school until September. It wasn't a choice really, just the way certain things have to happen. I've also decided to stay in my current major which is Health Care Adminsitration INSTEAD of public health. NOT that I'm not interested in public health, but I think I'm more passionate about patient care and what I'm doing now, and I think a Masters in Health Care Administration will be more in line with where my experience is building. It seems smarter to work my experience, and experience my work- you know??

So I will have three months off of school and while I suspect I'm going to get bored around mid July- I think I'll survive it.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my cap and gown. I have 1 final exam next wednesday and 3 papers and a professional portfolio to put together by Monday.

Hey, can you see that?? At the end of the tunnel. RIGHT THERE!!!

IT'S THE FUCKING LIGHT!!!!

The sexy side of public health.

Woo hoo woo hoo.....

Graduation in under thirty days people. Under 30!!

I an picking up my cap and gown next week but I'm not trying it on until the day of graduation. Well I may have to to make sure of the size, but other than that. I won't be. The day of graduation I may take half naked pictures in it. I am not sure if I will post them here or the other blog.

Grad school starts on June 3rd.

My New York Trip is on June 19th. Got a hotel, got a flight. Need money.
If you want to send me some, you can paypal it to me at fancystampin (at) yahoo. You know, $8 for a drink. I'm told there are not a lot of good strip bars in NY, bummer. I was curious. I also plan to get a tattoo while I'm there.

I'm just sayin- if you are so inclined to send a gift. Or you can click on the Adam and Eve link and buy some sex toys cause that money is all going to New York. (I've made about $200 so far). I'm so loving the sex toy reviewer job. I mean, if there was a way I could do that full time. Well, I certainly would not have time to blog about it. I've been doing it about three months now.

Maybe I need to go into some sort of sex-work job. You know, go to work for the companies that make these things. It's public health- ish. Right?
Am I reaching? Wishful thinking??

The athiest says I should try to find hobbies that are not related to sex.



But this one makes me money??

And.... why??

Senioritis HNT

Current location: Sitting in Class
Current activity: Blogging

From wiki:

Senioritis: though typically perceived as a high school ailment, can also be found in college seniors. The typical causes of this may be burnout, or the obtainment of job offer letters. Having received a job offer letter, concerns about college GPA generally decrease and a sense of apathy in schoolwork can develop, especially since often the offer is contingent only upon completion of the degree and not one's final GPA. The same can also be true in the transition from undergraduate to graduate school.

Yeah... sounds right.

Happy HNT. This is where I was last night, and where I plan on being tonight....
Under the sheets and naked.







Happy Half Naked Thursday. I will be there soon.

In the thirties!!!

Can you see that I am now in my thirties on my counter thing up there. Thirty nine days till graduation!! Woo hoo!!!

Can you understand why I feel like this video?? Flipped and spun and totally awesome!!

restless

The e-husband checked into the hospital today. A few days on IV fluids and he will be back to his normal usually unwell self. I don't know what the reason for the sudden burst of 'feeling good' was about. I foolishly thought it was the ginseng tea, but maybe it was just an overdose of pain meds, or good luck. Either way, it didn't last. I called him today and he didn't want to talk. sigh...

I don't want to whine about it, cause I am sort of back to the emotionally closed off, Julie, who is wondering if I should have ASKED him what was going on the past few days and if he needed any help. I'm also thinking that it will be nice to have a few days on my own here.

This blog is getting old, I've decided. After graduation, I think I'm going to tank it. I can use my myspace blog for the every day stuff, and utilize the blog that people actually READ for my daily rantings. I don't know, I need a change and I'm not getting a hair cut. Thbse of you who come around only for HNT are probably not reading this ANYWAY- so you won't know the difference. The ones that read me on a regular basis are not my "adult" readers and are all on myspace. So I can eliminate this blog pretty easily. But I think I will hang on to the URL, cause I like it.