Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?

I found out yesterday that through some very cool changes in my Masters program, I will be graduating in January, A few months before schedule. This is very happy news. I was getting ready to just quit. Really. I'm exhausted with school. Ive been in college with no longer than an 8 week break since 1995.

"Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?"

No comment, made to the child born in 1994.

So in discussing this with C, (in a minute) I said, "Yeah really need to start looking for a new job."

His response was, "Well I was more thinking along the lines of- wow now you're going to have to pay all your loans back."

It's a double edge. Being done with school means I will no longer have that flow of extra income known as Student Loans. I can defer for 6 months after graduation, but then I have to have a job actually MAKING enough to cover the money I used in loans, and make a sizeable monthly payment. It's been worth it. Without it I simply would not have survived all these years. I have graduate level education before age 40. Seriously something that, when I was 23- I NEVER EVER would have dreamed of.

So my next step is obvious. Get a better job, make more money.

This year is all about transition and change. It's all about doing things differently. There's a lot about me that the readers of only this blog and not the others don't know (especially because I have truly sucked as a blogger this year). However, things are different in my life and with me finally finishing school and getting divorced- who knows what kind of changes are in store for me?

You can't see the GOOD half- HNT

It's been a while so I figured I'd do it.

You can't see the nekkid half, you will have to trust me.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm sorry for whatever it was I am not sure I did....

I need to drink more water. I mean- I keep buying bottled water- and not drinking it. I carry around a full water bottle at all times, and don't open it. Can I lose weight without drinking water?? I don't think so. Am I sabotaging my own efforts?

Today is not a great day, this weekend has not been great. I feel like there's just destruction all around me and that somehow I'm to blame for everything that is wrong with everyone around me. You know how friends will say something like, "Oh my GOD I hate when people ?? Well I immediately race my mind to think if I have done and if I am the 'people' they are complaining about. I rarely am.

Lately, I am just ready to apologize for it. Whatever it is, I'm sure I did it.

This weekend I told Mike the news he really didn't want confirmed, and I know that he knew. He isn't stupid. I have filed for divorce, I really think it's ok for me to move on.

That's the think about life. It fucking goes on.

If I could find a way to stop it, I would have by now.

Sorry for the emo post. At least it's a post, right?

the uphill climb

I was going through my old Yahoo emails and found some old "anonymous" comments from my friend Christine on my old blog. I moved from that blog to this new one because I needed to make a break from that old 'I'm the wife of an alcoholic' thing. Anyway, I went through a lot of these comments, knowing exactly which ones were from her and remembering all the time she listened to me go over and over "what was wrong with me today."

Over the weekend, something happened that she would have gotten a kick out of and I picked up the phone to call her. I wonder when my brain will REALLY register that I won't ever hear her voice again.

Another thing I did, was click into the old blog and randomly read some things. Michael Michael Michael. bitch bitch bitch. I am grateful to the people who have been reading my blog- because damn I was a mess. Fastforward to now- and well, I still do a lot of bitching. I just think I'm less of a mess- or maybe I'm a DIFFERENT mess.

A pretty mess.

A hot mess.

A pretty hot mess.

Yeah, I like that.

I was also reading those days and how much peace I tried to have then. How I tried so hard to just get through every day without slitting my wrists or hitting my husband over the head with something really heavy. I'm different now. Somewhere along the lines I realized that it wasn't a mountain I wanted to die on.

It wasn't worth the climb, because you never GET to the top of the mountain when you are dealing with active addiction. You just keep climbing. Just keep struggling.

And you

can't

ever

stop.

Well I've stopped. My feet are planted and I'm just waiting for the tram to take me to safety. I should not have to want to die to get out of a marriage.

Weight Watchers, Take 3

I've been on WW before, and I the first time I did well. The second time, not so well.

So a few weeks ago when I got the email that Weight Watchers at work was coming back, I decided to give it another try.

Here's a few things about me and weight loss. I HATE to Exercise. I also LOVE to eat. Neither of these things are conducive with NOT having a big ass. However, I also don't like that I have to take blood pressure medications and my cholesterol is a tad high. Also, well, I'm getting tired of being fat. It's not ok. It's not cute. It's not fashionable. No, it's not BAD- it's not SHAMEFUL and it doesn't mean that I don't care about myself. I admit that I'm lazy and that's the only reason I don't do it.

I don't have the time to focus on healthy cooking. I don't cook. I tend to grab whats 'grab-able' and eat that. Often times, it's almost 10PM and what's close is a bowl of cereal. Many nights a week, my dinner consists of Reese's Puffs Cereal or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Chances are I'm not eating enough, and I'm eating junk.

I chose Weight Watchers because it's pretty easy. Also, I can still eat frozen dinners, either the Weird Watchers or the Lean Cuisine meal. This is what works for me. Grabbing something portion and calorie controlled and throwing it in the microwave. Twice a day? Sure! It's easy and takes very little thought. Remember, I don't have time to cook. So this is easy for me. I HAVE to go with what works- and what is logical for my life.

So here it is, day 6 and I haven't a clue if the scale will show anything next week. I have seen my eating habits, I don't eat enough during the day and I my food choices at night are not great. Also, I need to drink water, More More MORE water.

Weigh in is Tuesday. I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed not pregnant. And I'm just about 6 pounds shy of what I weighted when I WAS. That is frightening.

So wish me luck and hey, I have something to blog about. My big fat butt!

digging my way out

I'm not sure why I don't write here as much anymore. My life just seems to be in such a weird state of transition. I feel like none of my thoughts stick for more than 30 minutes or so.

My marriage is over. This is clear in every way. Now, it's just him still living in my house- we co-parent and sit down and have dinner together a few nights a week. We alternate nights on the couch and play relief pitcher when the kids are sick. He is, as always, dragging his feet on getting things together to move out. Dealing with some court issues is the biggest obstacle and he has yet to handle that.

I worry, not that he won't leave on his own accord, because chances are that he won't. That I am going to need to allow things to get ugly between us. He is aware that there is 'someone new' although we don't discuss any details and he pretends not to notice me leaving taking 23 minutes to get the mail with my phone.

"I'm not stupid Julie. I know. I just... it doesn't matter."

"I know Michael. I never said you were stupid."

"Well, I'm not. I know."

"OK- well then we don't have to talk about it."

This is how it came to light. He can ignore it all he wants, but he knows there is something/ someone/ somewhere. We agreed before that I would wait until he was out of the house- but that was two years ago- when he agreed to leave and never did.

We had also agreed that I would only file a legal separation so he could stay on my insurance for two years. Again. That was two years ago.

So regardless of his location, I'm moving on with my life. I've no other choice. I am not leaving him out on the streets. He's still cared for. His health requires that he has specific daily needs that someone else must provide for him. He can't do it alone and there really isn't anyone else who can do it. I don't know. He needs to get things handled though because I can't do it forever, and won't do it for much longer. I have an end point now. The divorce is in motion, barring all other complications, it will be over by the end of August. The lease will be up here- and if I have to, I'll move.

This, boys and girls, is why enabling is bad. Why co-dependency is just as awful a disease as addiction to drugs or alcohol. For some of us, it never ends until things get desperate. Until the bottom has been hit.

Welcome to the bottom. Pull up a chair.

No triple talaq

The triple talaq is a mechanism for divorce which exists in some forms of Islam. It simply consists of the husband saying the phrase I divorce you (Arabic:talaq) to the wife, three times.

Wouldn't that be nice huh??

Well that isn't how they do it here in California. In California when you want to get a divorce you have to gather some papers and go visit a local courthouse, find the right building, which never happens on the first try and then go wait in line. When you get to the window, you find out that you're missing something.

So you go home, or back to work- and get the form you are missing- then go back later that day. There will be about 10 people in line, and someone will have a crying baby. It's not a huge deal, babies cry. Luckily the baby will be cute- so that helps and you feel sorry for the baby. So then you will text your friends about how excited you are- and some chatter about the baby- because you know... by then you just wanna help the mom out and hold and snorgle that cute baby....

So when you get to the front of the line. The excitement overwhelms you and you go up to the clerk and exclaim with great joy, "I'm filing for divorce!"

She looks through you papers as you hold your breath. You make small talk, ask her, "so how was YOU'RE day dear?" You are nice, friendly, sympathetic. Anything for a smile. You worry because she doesn't smile right away- realizing that this woman who is probably underpaid to deal with litigious people all day is what stands between you and your freedom.

Finally a smile, and you actually HEAR the heavens open up. Yes, you hear them.

You will make a joke about how you should be more sad than this- but you can't help yourself. She laughs. And reaches for it. That magical apparatus that you've waited for since the day you realized you deserve more than this marriage had to offer. The stamped. FILED. Then the other stamper with a CASE NUMBER.

Holy shit, you're getting a divorce.

So it's not as easy as saying.

"I divorce you

I divorce you

I divorce you..."

But then again, it's not SO bad...

Everything, anything, something.

This past week, things in my life have gotten pretty ugly. The divorce is SO on, and I sense that he might try to argue with me about things like custody and alimony. I don't think I should have to pay alimony- I know that he DID stay home and care for the kids while I went to school, but I never stopped him from working. I would have RATHER he worked. My idea was that if he was going to be at home anyway- he can watch the kids.

I bought a book last week on filing your own divorce- forms and regulations and a disc that puts it together for you. Last night in his bag I saw a book. The Everything Divorce Book.

Ok, I admit that I did laugh a little bit, because the Everything Series covers Autism to Wicca and Witchcraft. Not to say that there isn't important information- I'm sure there is. I am curious where he got it and if he somehow thinks he's now equipped with the Everything book to come up against cold hard facts.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I want my freedom. I don't HAVE to fight for custody of my kids, or the right to stay in my apartment. I don't want any money from him. He doesn't even have to say, "I'm sorry."

Unfortunately life has gotten desperate and I'm drowning, and now I just need to get away at any cost. Like when you have to let go of a drowning victim who is hysterical before they drown you too. (or some analogy that is close to that) I need to go- and fast because the water is up over my head and I've been holding my breath and treading water for longer than my lungs and legs can hold out.

He's not a BAD guy. He's not evil. At one point, not too long ago I said with the utmost certainty that he was the love of my life. I may always somehow feel that way. However I'm starting to think that there is word missing from that phrase. "best" or "greatest" or any word that describes that this love is in any way a GOOD thing. I have been in love before and will be in love again and again. I loved him so much that I'm killing us both. That is not what I'd c0nsider the greatest love of my life. But definitely a significant one.

I need an Everything Book. The Everything Getting your Shit Together Book. It would have chapters like "Dishes- you can do it." "Laundry is not for Wussies" and "Not everything is 15 minutes away" and "Yes, You too can balance a checking account."

Where is THAT Everything Book?

words

Sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a writer. My words are not eloquent. My thoughts are not deep. My experiences not unique.

I am nothing special. I will never write a great novel about overcoming adversity or reaching the impossible dream. Chances are, I will never put an erotica submission together for one of Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthologies. I read other peoples words and I wonder- why was I not gifted with such beautiful language?

My dear friend @Mollena just twittered this:

Jasmine trees are blooming & even in this evening's chill they are so beautiful to smell & elicit memories complex as cartographs of my heart.

In 140 characters she has made me wonder, "what memory is this? Why is it complex? What is it about?" Cartographs? My simple brain would have said "map" even thought I know that just the word brings up a different feel. Words like blooming, chill, elicit, cartographs. A good vocabulary separates the simple from the truly beautiful.

Maybe someday I will get there, but until then- I will simply envy those that do.

Everything you need for a fresh start

Life has been pretty hectic lately. With the usual busy work and school I have some added fun things. This Saturday is our annual Women's Heart and Stroke Event that I do much to coordinate. My father is having surgery next week, which will require me to find alternative day care/ rides for all three of my kids who start school at the same time, in two different locations- but end school at different times. Also, Mike is not here. He's off getting.... better. Or something. I'm not sure what he's getting, but he's getting on my fucking nerves.

Detox is hard, and detoxing off of meds that you take for pain? Well, you watch House, you know... Anyway- he's in pain and miserable and dead set on making my life miserable, since on top of being in pain- he's also an addict. So detox is hard and I'm MORE than happy to give him space, space and more space to go thru that- and when he comes out on the otherside of detox and starts TREATMENT- I plan to be right there, ready and waiting.

with divorce papers.

So today I went out and bought a book.

I know right? But I need to start somewhere. I can't get a lawyer, I really don't think I need one. We have no assets, nothing other than this apartment is in "our" names. We practically agree on everything in regards to who gets what. My stance is "take what you want if you have someplace to put it." I really don't care. A couch, a bed, a dresser. Fucking take it. It means nothing. I just want to walk out with my life, and my kids, I don't see that it's going to be a problem, except for the drama.

He said to me today, "Well the girls in the house feel that it's pointless for me to even talk to you about working things out."

"What?" I asked, "When did we start talking about working things out? I thought we both agreed we want this?"

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them because he said. "Oh well it's what YOU want- so it's what I want."

Oh good lord. So you're doing me a FAVOR? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't have to agree to the divorce, you know, genius? But ok. tell me- what do these "girls" say? These girls- who know nothing but what you've told them. These girls who have not had to deal with your ass for 10 years, bgut just under 10 DAYS. sure.

No- actually- don't tell me.

"Yes, it is what I want," I finally said.

"And I'll give it to you."

Oh- you'll GIVE IT to me. Gee THANKS!! I didn't tell him that I'd already bought the book- that would seem cruel. Sure, you want to think you are doing me a favor. The pied piper of marital dissolution wishes? Whatever.

And of course, I have some weird feelings about it. But they are just feelings- they don't mean anything. The weird feelings I have about divorce are about as insignificant as my feelings about love and trust and honesty in this marriage. It'd be nice f we could get a handle on it- but there's no need to have expectations, rights?

Bad Romance

Yes I've been in one. For a long time. Part of the reason I don't write here much anymore is because I'm just plain out of things to say. I'm out of things to complain about and out of being witty, clever or sarcastic about my marriage.

I'm over it, and there's not much else to tell.

My husband is gone to a place where in 30 days he'll be on a better road to his recovery, but my only hope is that he will be on a road to anywhere but my apartment. I can't do it anymore- and I can't seem to find any good and justifiable reason why I should want to.

The fact that he takes decent care of the kids is not a good reason. He's supposed to take care of the kids. You don't get special points for showing up. Not even HE gets special points for that. And sure he does help me. When I'm sick, he brings me medicine. He sometimes carries me to my room and changes my clothes before he goes to sleep on the couch. He makes a damn good sandwich, and I almost always have coffee ready when I get up in the morning. Well, if I fall asleep on the couch now, I can stay there. I'm perfectly fine with a sandwich that tastes good- but isn't "damn good."

And I bought myself a coffee maker with an automatic timer.

It's a start.

Ok- ummm

Not safe for work, unless it's ok to watch an animal sucking his own giant cock.

Seriously dude, stop recording. You know how you can't jerk off when your cat is watching? Same concept. But your dick is not as big. I think really the most interesting thing here is just how big the wang on that walrus is.

Oh right, and the idea that walrus' don't have sex for pleasure.

But you know, this isn't sex. So it's all good. And really if you could do it... wouldn't you?

Maybe I will blog more now.

I'm blogging from my new iTouch. I rule.

post Christmas

hey look- two days in a row. I know how proud you all are.

So yesterday my husband asked me, "So how long are we going to keep the tree up?"

This is a debate we have every year. It's my job to take the decorations and lights down and personally, I like it up. I still turn the lights on at night. It's festive and pretty and even if it isn't Christmas anymore- it still makes me feel good to have it up a little while longer.

So how long is too long??

Good sense tells me after the first of the year I can take it down and feel like it's been properly enjoyed. Last year, I want to say it stayed up until February but I could be wrong. I think I will leave it up until maybe the week of the 4th. Definitely before I leave for Boston on the 14th.

Yes, Boston... in January. Do I have clothes for that?? um noooooooo. I have a few scarves- and I have gloves, somewhere. a few pairs of gloves... somewhere. A coat? yeah, no coat. Do I have long underwear? no.

boots? no.

a hat? well, I don't do hats- my hair does not accommodate a hat, so I'll figure that out.

I was at Walmart the other day and I saw those little hand warmer things you can put in your pockets. I think I'm going to buy some to tuck in my bra.

not even a good excuse.

Geez- remember when I had a blog here?? What a lazy monkey I am!!!

So instead of recapping what happened in the past 30 days of the life of Julie, I'm just gonna move forward and try to be a better blogger.

Christmas was nice and man I'm glad it's over. That is now TWO holidays in a row that I did not spend with my family. I really didn't like THAT part. It doesn't FEEL like Christmas with out my Tante Syl's fudge or my sisters Christmas potatoes. Of course the chili cheese dogs we had from weinerschitzel for Christmas dinner- WERE really good.

It doesn't feel like Christmas without my siblings. I did see them last weekend at a holiday party my brother threw and I went last minute.

I'm not sure why I still resist having fun.

We had a great time, good food and lots of fun. Oh and good food. My favorite part of the holidays is the food.

because it's not like So I hope that you and yours had a wonderful holiday. I will try to be more present here cause it's now like I don't have things to say.... I always have SOMETHING to say.

Gratitude List

and it's really not that I haven't been grateful- I've just been busy!!

Happy Thanksgiving.

But I am grateful for a great many things right now. And in true Thanksgiving fashion- I will make a gratitude list:

• I'm grateful that while I'm seriously broke, I have just enough.
• I'm grateful that I feel like my life has some direction right now. The path is blurry and hidden within the trees, but it's there.
• I'm always grateful for another day that my husband doesn't drink
• I'm grateful that my children are healthy
• I'm grateful for my family, who is always just a phone call away
• I'm grateful for new friends, old friends and 'special' friends.
• I'm grateful for my parents. I really don't know WHAT I'd do without them and I hate knowing that someday I will have to find out.
• I'm grateful that while I lost my best friend this year, I also learned a very important lesson:

Life is short. It's not always pretty and it's rarely easy. I made Christine a promise in those last moments I spent with her, that I would not waste my life trapped in a life I didn't want. I promised her that I would take care of myself and my sons. I would live and love and trust people because while there are some that are bad- believing the best in people is what will save my soul. And sometimes believing the best, is what brings out the best. She believed the best in me.

Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to make all the difference. I'm grateful for the people who believe in me.

Grateful Day 2

I know that it's not perfect. It's not even always good... but every day I am thankful and grateful that Michael doesn't drink anymore.

Dr. Bob and Bill W.

(I know I missed a day... I suck at everyday blogging right now.) Take it as it comes.

Thankful- day 1

Today I'm thankful for my friends. I'm very lucky to have a circle of open minded friends who accept me for who I am.



The horny slut who loves girl porn (and anal).

Sex Work Awareness

I didn't want to post nothing, Trixie!!

But here's something. I'm leaving for NY tonight. I'm excited and I'm mostly packed. I gotta get some last minute things together and I'm headed for the airport. I'm stayin in Williamsburg with friends for the 2nd annual New York Sex Blogger Calendar Launch Party where my friends will be. A lot of kinky, sex-positive, deviants will converge in NYC to raise money for Sex Work Awareness.

For those of you who are wondering about SWA: look at the link. It's not exactly prostitution as we see it on TV. I think sex work has it's place in society, and it's unfortunate that there is so much negative stigma and violence that surrounds it.

November 1- already?

I'm going to try to post something daily. It's good for me to write. The past 8 weeks I've been sucked into the worst finance class ever. It was good to know that EVERYONE was frustrated and did poorly in this class, I'm not just stupid.

My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 38. Holy fuck. It's strange, getting older. The reminders are harsh and usually shameful. I'm reminded when I find myself noticing boys that are too young for me. I'm reminded when TV shows like 90210 are ridiculous to me. I'm reminded when I pick up Womans Day magazine and not Self.

I'm not afraid of getting older. i'm excited about moving forward.

I'm headed to NYC for the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party. It'll be great to see my friends, and see the city. I hope the weather holds up.

Ok- I'm going to try to post more, but first, I'm going to try to have something to write about!! I won't ramble nonsense. I hate that.

Stuff I'd like to see/ do on this trip.

Brooklyn Bridge

Empire State Building

Staten Island Ferry/ Statue of Liberty

James Farley Post Office

Really, that's not much.