post Christmas

hey look- two days in a row. I know how proud you all are.

So yesterday my husband asked me, "So how long are we going to keep the tree up?"

This is a debate we have every year. It's my job to take the decorations and lights down and personally, I like it up. I still turn the lights on at night. It's festive and pretty and even if it isn't Christmas anymore- it still makes me feel good to have it up a little while longer.

So how long is too long??

Good sense tells me after the first of the year I can take it down and feel like it's been properly enjoyed. Last year, I want to say it stayed up until February but I could be wrong. I think I will leave it up until maybe the week of the 4th. Definitely before I leave for Boston on the 14th.

Yes, Boston... in January. Do I have clothes for that?? um noooooooo. I have a few scarves- and I have gloves, somewhere. a few pairs of gloves... somewhere. A coat? yeah, no coat. Do I have long underwear? no.

boots? no.

a hat? well, I don't do hats- my hair does not accommodate a hat, so I'll figure that out.

I was at Walmart the other day and I saw those little hand warmer things you can put in your pockets. I think I'm going to buy some to tuck in my bra.

Gratitude List

and it's really not that I haven't been grateful- I've just been busy!!

Happy Thanksgiving.

But I am grateful for a great many things right now. And in true Thanksgiving fashion- I will make a gratitude list:

• I'm grateful that while I'm seriously broke, I have just enough.
• I'm grateful that I feel like my life has some direction right now. The path is blurry and hidden within the trees, but it's there.
• I'm always grateful for another day that my husband doesn't drink
• I'm grateful that my children are healthy
• I'm grateful for my family, who is always just a phone call away
• I'm grateful for new friends, old friends and 'special' friends.
• I'm grateful for my parents. I really don't know WHAT I'd do without them and I hate knowing that someday I will have to find out.
• I'm grateful that while I lost my best friend this year, I also learned a very important lesson:

Life is short. It's not always pretty and it's rarely easy. I made Christine a promise in those last moments I spent with her, that I would not waste my life trapped in a life I didn't want. I promised her that I would take care of myself and my sons. I would live and love and trust people because while there are some that are bad- believing the best in people is what will save my soul. And sometimes believing the best, is what brings out the best. She believed the best in me.

Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to make all the difference. I'm grateful for the people who believe in me.

November 1- already?

I'm going to try to post something daily. It's good for me to write. The past 8 weeks I've been sucked into the worst finance class ever. It was good to know that EVERYONE was frustrated and did poorly in this class, I'm not just stupid.

My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 38. Holy fuck. It's strange, getting older. The reminders are harsh and usually shameful. I'm reminded when I find myself noticing boys that are too young for me. I'm reminded when TV shows like 90210 are ridiculous to me. I'm reminded when I pick up Womans Day magazine and not Self.

I'm not afraid of getting older. i'm excited about moving forward.

I'm headed to NYC for the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party. It'll be great to see my friends, and see the city. I hope the weather holds up.

Ok- I'm going to try to post more, but first, I'm going to try to have something to write about!! I won't ramble nonsense. I hate that.

Stuff I'd like to see/ do on this trip.

Brooklyn Bridge

Empire State Building

Staten Island Ferry/ Statue of Liberty

James Farley Post Office

Really, that's not much.

Mothers Day

I've yet to find a better song that this, that will cheer me up, make me dance and really reiterate the whole feminine power thing.

And while the lyrics are not deep or anything- it feels good to sing it outloud, and know that to someone: it's true.

I have talked a lot about my struggles with motherhood.  It was a true honest moment between my mom and I when she admitted that motherhood did not come easy for her.  I am much the same- I often approach in a way that is more logical than loving.  My maternal instinct hides beneath the surface.  I'm not the warm and fuzzy kind, but I try to be understanding and open.  

Somedays I wake up and wonder, where am I, and where did all these kids come from??  

I do the best that I can, which some days is just enough to get them clothed, fed and housed.  Hopefully that is what they will remember.  That I did the best I could and know that I love them.

January 2004 the first pic taken of my 4 kids.  

Happy Easter

Happy Valentines day

I know you may have seen this, but really- it's my favorite Valentines Day comic.



My layout doesn't give much room for width so you gotta click it to see it bigger.
I need a new layout.

Christmas regrets

We spent Christmas Eve with Michael family.  It was probably the second or third time I've ever NOT seen my siblings for Christmas.  After the first time, I decided I never wanted to do it again, but I have- even though I never want to.  

Even though this year has held a lot of strain between the siblings, we were not raised in a family to hold grudges- at least not for long.  I never understood my first husbands family, who would cut each other other out for months, sometimes YEARS at a time.  For a while, my sister and I didn't talk much, but it wasn't as if I REFUSED to talk to her or see her.  We just didn't have anything to say for a while... and then later, we did.  

Regardless, holidays just don't feel right without my family.

When mom stopped celebrating, it took something away- and my siblings and the rest of my family was all I had.  So without my siblings, it never feels right.  It doesn't feel like Christmas, and now that it's over- I guess it feels a bit anti-climactic.  

There was no reason for spending Xmas without my family, it just worked out that way with driving and where we would spend the time.  It's hard for the kids to have two WHOLE days of Christmas, with two families and stuff so I was thinking much of my own sanity too.

next year...  

Holiday Meme

1. Hot Chocolate or Egg Nog?
Oh, Hot Chocolate. I don't like Egg Nog.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa wraps presents, and all the presents from Santa are in different paper than the others, and all the same.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Tree gets multicolored lights. Althought last year, all the lights on the tree were green. It was a mistake, but it looked nice anyway.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? If I have it, I might.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Either the first or second weekend after Thanksgiving. I have a fake tree, so it's easy.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? My aunts fudge, or the corn casserole.

7. Favorite Holiday memory? My favorite Holiday memories are with my family. My brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles... and my mom.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I NEVER believed in Santa. Ever. We were Jehovah's Witness'. But I wasn't allowed to tell people either.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Family presents are exchanged Christmas Eve. Santa presents are opened Christmas morning.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I do the lights. I always do the lights. And then I sit and prepare the ornaments for the kids to put on the tree. We listen to Christmas music and take pictures and sing.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Never seen it.

12. Can you ice skate? No

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
At the moment, I can't think of anything. That's kinda sad... give me time, I'll remember.

14. What’s the most important thing?
The most important thing about the Holidays? Remembering that its about spending time with the ones you love, and not the gifts. I always feel guilty if I cannot afford to buy presents for everyone I love- but I hope they all know how much I love them.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My aunts fudge. My mom's magic bars (that my sister makes now).

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I don't really have any traditions. I should start some.

17. What tops your tree?
It's a star.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
I like giving them- but I always stress about what I give. I'm always afraid it's not enough. Receiving makes me kind of uncomfortable sometimes.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Rockin around the Christmas Tree from Brenda Lee or
All I want for Christmas is You from Mariah Carey

20. Candy canes, Yuck or Yum?
I like em.
Since I'm a day late- I won't tag anyone- but I hope you all had a happy christmas.

My Wishes

So I'm wishing things to people who generally do not participate in the Halk Nekkid Thursday thing, but who have been readers and friends for a long time and I love them, even if I don't say it often enough. And I'm putting this out for more than just three people too. Deal with it. It's my blog.

To Andy: A bitchen gig that will boost his career so he can be the best goddamn comedian who also happens to juggle. You plate spinning psycho- I know you dig my rack.

To GolfWidow: Well hell... whatever you want girl. A best selling book. A real live penguin. ummm, lots of tax free cash?? yeah, that stuff. I wish it all for you. Oh, and a Rabbit- cause every girl needs one.

To D-man: The fastest internet access on the planet, whatever that is. I think you've finally upgraded, but damn dude, you had dial up longer than anyone on the planet. I mean, I know you're in Aukland, but it's not a third world country for fucks sake!! Oh, and a motorcycle- so you can still 'ride' to work, but have less injuries and look kinda cool too. Chicks dig the bad boys.

To The Punk Guy: I totally don't always get your music choices. Sometimes I swear I'm like, what the fuck IS this?? Like Screamo?? WTF, dude? But my uncle used to own a record store, like with actual records. He had this huge collection of picture discs an stuff. Did I ever tell you that my mother actually has some framed vinyl on her wall. Elvis I think, the Beatles. Anyway, that's for teaching me that vinyl never stopped being cool and for introducing me to The Gossip and telling me that I AM kinda punk rock, even though I drive a mini-van and I wear crocs to work. A long time ago you linked someone's huge ass collection of vinyl- I can't find the link, but yeah, the hugest collection of vinyl you could want- if I had it to give, it'd be all yours.

So yeah, there's my list of wishes for people you probably don't know, but should. Good blogs, people with shit to say, even if sometimes it's just shit.

Merry Christmas.

the letter

I have been recieving in the mail, annual family newsletters. While I think they are fun and a good way to catch up with people I don't see often, I still think they are kinda silly. My bestest friend Ed told me that he worked on his family newsletter and I asked, "Oh my god- how can you stand yourself?"

He laughed and said, "I know... I'm sorry."
But just for the fuck of it- here's the Ferrieri Family newsletter.


Dear family and friends:

Holy Crap is it that time already??

Well, the clock on the wall (which tells the date) says that it's Christmastime so here I am to tell you about what happened in the Ferrieri house this year.

Honestly it was pretty blurry the first half of the year. As you may know, our brother in law-Mel, died in a car accident in March. He's missed a lot, and I'll be damned if I don't see him everywhere I turn. It's strange how familiar of a face he had, because everyime time I see a big guy with a grey moustache, I want to just say, "Hey Mel." Even after all this time, and the fact that he really didn't like me very much there at the end, it's hard to believe that he's gone.

Alex is in 8th grade and while he's no longer on his meds, he's still sucking in class just as bad as he was last year when he was on them. Ok, actually it's not THAT bad- but it's not great either. He's playing guitar a lot and often can be found in front of the computer, playing guitar and texting back and forth with any number of 13 year old girls. Who says he has no focus?? Of course, he's got no game. really. I hear him on the phone asking girls, "so why are you calling me?" sigh.... he doesn't get that from me!!

Gabe and Danny are in Kindergarten this year. Danny- in his first year, finally potty trained except he still will not wipe his own butt half the time. Seriously, I think he just holds it at school- because I know that his teacher would not stand for him yelling into the classroom, "Can you wipe my butt!?!?" He's adorable cute though, seriously, and while his teachers think that he may have an attention disorder, like Alex's- he's really smart and funny and all the other things that my sons are famous for. They just don't shut up.

It's interesting how different Gabriel is than the other two, though. He is not as hyper as Alex, or as unfocused as Danny. He's smart and silly. He likes to sing. He's sensitive though, truly a mamas boy. His teachers say that he is a joy to have in class- but then again, don't they always say that?? I know my boys... I'm skeptical.

Sarah is in Grand Junction, Colorado, and I have yet to hear anything she LIKES about Colorado. She is at the top of her class. She lettered in academics, which I think means she's a super brain. She informed me a few months ago that she wants to go to art school... and NOT medical school like before. Sigh... I know. Support her dreams- but I am silently hoping that she will revist the idea of medical school. I was a little happier thinking that she was going to be a doctor, rather than an artist, even if she is a very talented artist.

As for Michael, well, lets see. We reached our 9 year anniversary... (note that I said reached, not celebrated). Be that good or bad, we are still holding on. You know, there's no cure for crazy. I think Michael had less hospitals stays this year than last year. Hey, you find the good things where you can.

And me, well I have to admit that I have not had the worst year of my life. I graduated college in May- which was a huge day for me. She didn't say it, but I know my mom was proud of me. No... she DIDN'T say it to me, but she did say it to everyone else and that's as good as it gets sometimes.

I started Grad School in September and I took two trips to New York City, in June and again in November. I have met so many amazing people this year and I while my life is not perfect, I think it could be worse.

On that note... I guess it's time to finish wrapping presents.

I wish you all love and happiness- or at least the winning lottery ticket!

-julie

December blues

Today was not really better than yesterday.  It's hard to get in to it- but I just feel kinda twisted and lost and not at all in the mood to deal with any of it.

I came home from work today and just ignored everyone.  I didn't want to talk at all.  I made kids dinner and chatted to my friends online.  All night.  I don't know if it made me feel better, but at least I don't feel worse.  

The kids all went to bed early and quietly except for Alex.  Who apparently just decided NOT to do the dishes tonight.  ummm. what the fuck.  If I am not naggin ghte hell out of of everyone, things truly don't get done.  

I asked him just now, at almost midnight?- why didn't you do the dishes?  You didn't even get started?  He gave me a blank stare.  That stupid fucking look that his FATHER has.  "I don't know."  Jesus. I wanted to punch him.  What the fuck is that??

It's days like this that I wonder if anyone in this house gives a a shit about me.  I'm so fucking tired of this crap!!  I hate to act like I'm so unappreciated, but I'm just angry.  I hate to be so woe is me.  I don't need a wooden cross here.  But jesus... I think I have a right to be angry because I feel like I have sacrifice a lot for this family and I think that the fucking dishes can get done right??

Ok. this is a stupid post.  I know.  I'm depressed.  It's not the holidays either.  I wish this was seasonal depression.  No this is just familial depression.

Kickin it- Half Nekkid

What a long day!!

Took the husband to the ER this morning- like 3AM. What I should have done is just gone right upstairs to my office from the ER- but instead I drove him, and went to bed for a few hours- then went into work three hours late. He's ok. Same old.

Today is one of those days that my head screams for a different life. That I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues and I could just be stressed about money like everyone else.

Tonight though- the kids are at my moms, and I've got the apartment to myself. So I'm walking around half nekkid, eating a bowl of ice cream (for dinner btw) and just kickin back, enjoying my Christmas tree.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Clips from my favorite Holiday Movies.

See, it's funny.



And another great scene from another great Holiday movie.



What's your favorite holiday movie- and why??

And one of my favorite Christmas songs. There's no video, just audio. Enjoy it.
Seriously, isn't this a great song?
Please Come Home for Christmas by the Eagles.



So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and new Years will find you home
There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again

Christmas TV

My favorite Christmas Movie is The Ref. It's funny, it's kinda dark, sarcastic and has Kevin Spacey in it. My favorite line:

I'm gonna give you a big wooden cross so every time you feel unappreciated you can climb up and nail yourself to it.

A Christmas Story is good, of course, I watch it every year. "Fra-geeee-lay".

It must be French.

About 10 years ago, I saw It's a Wonderful Life for the first time. Don't ask me WHY it took so long to see it, it just did. I cried. I cry a lot in movies- this is no shocker. I also get teary at the end of Scrooged and and um... Home Alone.

Shut.Up.

So far I have seen the Drake and Josh Christmas movie twice. I'm sure I will see it more. I kinda dig Josh Peck, in that Disney Cougar kinda way- now that he's skinny and has that sorta gothy hair. Whatever- don't judge me. We all have our little quirks. He's kinda funny, and "Hug Me Brotha!!" always makes me smile. If you got kids, you know.

Last night I watched, the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. This year, I was asking myself why Charlie Brown never took a semi-automatic to all those fuckers who bossed him around? Really, we ask ourselves how kids LEARN to be so hateful and bully the short kid with the big head- but you know- for every holiday we gather round the TV and watch poor Chuck get ridiculed and demoralized and call it 'family time.'

I also noticed on the Thanksgiving Special that Peppermint Patty and Marci have the typical Dom/sub relationship.

Lucy is a sadistic dominatrix.

Holly Jolly Broke Ass Christmas

So our Christmas tree is up- and now it's time to put something under it.

Well hell.

How the fuck am I gonna pay for that??

I told Alex that he was getting money for Christmas. He's old enough for that- and he's thrilled. The little ones don't need a lot- they don't need huge things. God knows they don't need more toys.

Mike and I won't be exchanging gifts. I don't need anything and I can't afford to buy myself anything right now. I am not going to stress about christmas. The kids are young and always get TONS of presents from others. There's just no money for Christmas this year, but my kids never go without.

However, I will put a list of things I'd imaginarily LIKE to have, if I had the money for my husband to buy me a gift.

* A Nintendo DS
* A Wii, for the family
* Blackberry Storm (holy fuck how cool is that?)
* New sneakers (I kinda like THESE)
* A super awesome camera- what is that a D40? Yeah, that. Sure.
* Lap Band Surgery (ok, it's MY list)

O Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree tonight.  The e-husband did it with us, which is a first, or at least a first in a while.  I did the lights, and arranged the ornaments and the boys put them on the tree and Mike helped and took pictures.

I have good memories of decorating the tree when I was younger.  We had a really big fake tree growing up, it was flocked.  I think I told this story already, but whatever.  My mom used to work evenings so we would all wait for her to come home to decorate the tree.  We'd decorate while mom made cookies and we listened to Christmas music.

Or at least that is how I remember it.

Last night we had on some Christmas music and I sang along while decorating, I was downright cheerful.

For those of you who don't know, my mom is a Jehovah's Witness.  We stopped celebrating Christmas in my house when I was 15.  It really made it hard for me to enjoy the holidays for a long time.  I still miss my mom's holiday bars and watching her dance around to Peggy Lee.  Ilike having a tree.  I didn't always.

After my divorce from my first husband, when I got my own place I didn't have money for a tree.  Alex was 2 and didn't really 'get' it yet.  Unxpectedly I got $100 bonus from one of the sales guys at work!!  I was shocked and went out and bought a tree that day from a tree farm at a church so it was only $15.  My best friend overnighted me a box of her older ornaments.  My first tree as a single woman had all red lights, and ornaments that were wooden, and small apple ornaments and silver balls.  It sounds weird, but it was really pretty.

I continued to use many of the ornaments BFF sent me until last year.  We mistakenly kept the ornaments on our patio, and the lid came off- and then it rained.  So last year I had a box of ornaments floating in water.  I bought all new ones, but I was sad to see some of the classics go.

The Pumpkin Bars were delicious.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

There's no pressure about giving or receiving gifts. You don't have to be in a relationship, nor do you have to put on a costume. You can just be who you are, and all you gotta do is acknowledge that maybe your life doesn't 100% suck.

Even that is optional.

I'm not gonna do the whole 'this is what I'm thankful for' post. Not cause I'm NOT thankful for things, but because well, there are enough things in life to put you to sleep.

-

I'm going to put up my Christmas Tree this weekend if I can figure out where I'm going to move an entire couch.
-

I'm waiting for the Holidailies site to go up so I can register for it. It starts in three days.

I didn't do any Black Friday Shopping. Nothing was on sale for SUCH a great deal that I had to risk being trampled at Wal-Mart.

Happy Halloween- HNT

I am not a big fan of Halloween. I haven't been since I was about 13 or 14 and Carrie forced me to go out trick or treating. Seriously- we were way to old for it. I dressed up and went with them, but I did not go to door. No, no no. The 4 of us went as Smurfs, by the way. I don't have THAT picture but I know it's somewhere.

We take the kids trick or treating now, usually to the local mall cause it's safer and they run out of steam pretty quickly. Alex doesn't get to a costume this year cause a) I think he's too old and b) his grades suck and c) he got suspended for fighting last week. So yeah, no candy for you, ya little delinquent!!

I did find this picture though. I was 7 years old. My mother made this costume, and yes- I won awards. My mom made the rockin-est costumes and I was fucking cute!!!

And I know I'm not Half Nekkid, but you know- if you wanna click underneath, there's a picture of the costume I WOULD wear, you know, it I did that kind of thing...




It's funny how Halloween is always a good excuse for girls to just get slutty!!!
I don't really NEED a costume for that.

Happy HNT!

Under the Big A!!

Someone told me that they like my writing and that I'm funny- and now I'm sitting here thinking about HOW to be funny. Really, I have no clue. Sometimes life is funny, and sometimes...
there's a monkey.

I went to an Angels baseball game today for Kim's birthday party. It was a tailgate party and then we went to the game.

Tailgating is not as dirty as it sounds. It is just food and beverage. Historically there are trucks involved, and you know sitting on the tailgate of the trucks. Eating food and such. Wikipedia says:

Traditionally tailgating involves the consumption of alcoholic beverages such as beer or mixed drinks and the grilling of various meat products.

I was thinking maybe it had something to do with buttsex. It SOUNDS like it is supposed to, doesn't it? I asked around, and nobody told me exactly what it WAS- but that most likely there would not be buttsex involved. I called Kim and asked her, just to check. "Tailgating doesn't involve buttsex does it? Cause if so, I have to repack by bag."

She laughed and said she hadn't PLANNED on it, but you never know what might happen...

Well it turns out that with Kim, tailgating involves the consumption of alcoholic beverages, does not involve any kind of sex, OR any kind of meat. Kim's a crazy vegan and so are her friends. I knew this and I had the option of bringing my own meat, but you know- that's weird to show up with one raw hamburger patty. So I figured I would not DIE from a veggie burger. With enough ketchup and mustard, it tastes just like....

ketchup and mustard.

They also had vegenaise. Yeah, ummm... what the fuck is that? It's mayo with no eggs.
Click it, it's fat and salt. really why bother?


I stuck with ketchup and mayo. I HAD the veggie burger- that's enough vegan for one day.

So we went into the game and luckily we were in the shade. I hung out with some of Kims friends and text messaged my own friends and was pretty underwhelmed with the game. For starters there they would try to pump up the crowd by playing songs with clapping and such, like the opening to Car Wash, Centerfield, and We Will Rock You. However they play 20-30 seconds and then they stop. Just when everyone gets into it and people are clapping, it's over ad we all feel stupid. After the first few times, I decided I would not let them fool me again. Audio fuckers.

They did however play ALL of Ice, Ice Baby.
Really? REALLY?

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

And then...
then there was the fucking Rally Monkey. Seriously? A monkey? They would sort of insert this fucking monkey into movie scenes. It was much like this...



The crowd loved it. I suspect the other teams just HATE that damn monkey. I know I do. It scares me. Creepy ass capuchin monkey.

The Angels lost. The monkey haunts me.
And I didn't get any buttsex, but good times were had by all.

Happy Birthday Kimmy. I always have lots of fun with you.
Enjoy your new vibe.

Yeah, you know I give the GOOD gifts!!!

Pics from the weekend

We went out to Canyon Lake yesterday and I took some pictures from the boat. It really is such a nice place to be. If it wasn't so fucking HOT- and if I didn't work like an hour and a half away, it would be a great place to live.