Gratitude List

and it's really not that I haven't been grateful- I've just been busy!!

Happy Thanksgiving.

But I am grateful for a great many things right now. And in true Thanksgiving fashion- I will make a gratitude list:

• I'm grateful that while I'm seriously broke, I have just enough.
• I'm grateful that I feel like my life has some direction right now. The path is blurry and hidden within the trees, but it's there.
• I'm always grateful for another day that my husband doesn't drink
• I'm grateful that my children are healthy
• I'm grateful for my family, who is always just a phone call away
• I'm grateful for new friends, old friends and 'special' friends.
• I'm grateful for my parents. I really don't know WHAT I'd do without them and I hate knowing that someday I will have to find out.
• I'm grateful that while I lost my best friend this year, I also learned a very important lesson:

Life is short. It's not always pretty and it's rarely easy. I made Christine a promise in those last moments I spent with her, that I would not waste my life trapped in a life I didn't want. I promised her that I would take care of myself and my sons. I would live and love and trust people because while there are some that are bad- believing the best in people is what will save my soul. And sometimes believing the best, is what brings out the best. She believed the best in me.

Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to make all the difference. I'm grateful for the people who believe in me.

Grateful Day 2

I know that it's not perfect. It's not even always good... but every day I am thankful and grateful that Michael doesn't drink anymore.

Dr. Bob and Bill W.

(I know I missed a day... I suck at everyday blogging right now.) Take it as it comes.

Thankful- day 1

Today I'm thankful for my friends. I'm very lucky to have a circle of open minded friends who accept me for who I am.



The horny slut who loves girl porn (and anal).

what you're looking for...

here's some of the recent searches that have landed people on my blog:

"bondage dog"
"jizz"
"rite aid vibrators"
"when you die nothing happens"
"julie fucks my brains out"

and my favorite

"maybe I wasn't asking you to love me"

breakdown...

I seem to be having from some sort of breakdown or crisis and I didn't notice it until my boss called me to task yesterday. In a big way. I didn't get fired or anything, but it was just pointed out that my work has been subpar. I have unfinished projects. I'm behind on a lot of things. I didn't really have any good explanation for it.

When I got home last night I realized that the laundry was still piled up. Both clean and dirty laundry. It's been a three days since we've needed it and I seem to be just making quick trips to the grocery store to pick up what is needed for that day- but I haven't gone 'shopping'.

I have a 5 page paper due on Sunday that I have not looked at yet. I have a homework assignment due on Thursday.

I'm behind on my life.

Really, I don't care.

I am detached and indifferent and while I know I can't LET it happen, but part of me just doesn't CARE if all the pieces of my life crumble in front of me. Even acknowledging it, doesn't encourage me to change it. I find myself begrudgingly making lists t0 organize my life. Planning out the next 5 days in order to get my work done, my homework done, the laundry, the shopping, clean the house... blah blah blah.

The truth is, though, that I really don't care right now. I feel like I'm standing outside looking in- watching what is going on in this life as if it's not even mine. Not really caring too much what anyone has to say about it either. I don't want to spend a breath of energy on this tasks that don't seem to ADD anything to my life, but just make it possible for me to keep living it in the silently desperate state that I live it in.

I'll get back on the ball, because I know I have to. I'll spend a week playing catch up and then return to "life" as normal. I have no joy- I think that's my problem. I just want to focus on the things that make me laugh, and make me feel good- emotionally and physically. Not the things that I have to do in order to keep someone else in the miserable yet protected state he's in. I'm over it. I'm very much over my life, and even though it's supposed to change soon- I have my doubts.

It's time to go to work know... I'll set this to post later this afternoon, unless I change my mind or decide to snap out of it.

The ABC's of me

The ABC's of me.  My SIL tagged me on Facebook but I would rather just blog here.

A - Age: 37

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: ALL

D - Dog's name: I don't have a dog.  

E - Essential start your day item: Blackberry

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver: Gold

H - Height: 5'

I - Instruments you play(ed): I don't.  booooo

J - Job title: Data Coordinator, Stroke Program

K - Kid(s): 4

L - Living arrangements: Husband and three boys

M - Moms name: Linda 

N- Nick Names: Jules, Jewels.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Senior year, appendicitis

P - Pet Peeve: When I hurt mysl and someone says "Are you ok?"  Of COURSE I'm not ok!!!

Q - Quote from a movie: Only in the morning!

R - Right or left handed:Right

S - Siblings: 3 sisters (1 + 2step) and 2 brothers

T - Time you wake up: 5AM

U- Underwear: always

V - Vegetables you dislike:  carrots

W - Ways you run late: checking my email before work in the morning

X - X-rays you've had: lungs, and does a mammogram count?

Y - Yummy food you make: Apple crisp

Z - Zoo favorite: I can't remember the last time I went to a zoo....

ok wow- that was ridiculously boring...  

Things that bug me

Fat free mayo- what's the fucking point?

Asking me for thing I don't want to give you, like cigarettes or money for cigarettes.  However once you've asked and you can see that I'm annoyed, don't UNASK, because I'm already annoyed. No need for both of us to miserable.  

Cruelty- I really don't see the point in hurting people's feelings. Not EVERYTHING needs to be said outloud.

People who think that you have to be 100% honest all the time. Sometimes its ok to just shut the fuck up.

People who say that their pets are their kids? Really? Why can't I say the same in reverse? Why can't I let my kid eat meat that has falled on the floor. I get that your pets are important- of course- but let's have some perspective.  If my son has an illness with really high medical bills, I never have the option to just 'put him down'.  

Water snobs- look I prefer a good bottled water, but if you can tell the difference between Evian, Dasani, and Arrowhead, you just have too much time. Get a life.

People who insist on putting down the things that I'm in to.  Hey, I am a blogger and I also like Twitter and Facebook.  If you are not in to those things, then don't do them, but don't hate on me because I like to do them.  Why do I need to incessantly tweet everything I do??  Why do YOU have to question and put down the things that other people like to do?  Suck a fat one.  Click away.

Now, maybe your pet is your thing....  I'm not gonna put that down- however.  Don't push your little dog on me, and I won't MAKE you read my Twitter Feed.  

You do your thing.  I'll do mine.

25 things

I know I know... I've done these a few times, but my cousin tagged me and I just never say no to her cause she never asks for anything. I'm gonna do it here on my blog and not Facebook cause I need something to post here anyway and I'm not gonna tag anyone cause if I tagged you, you probably did it already. So here's my 25 things that maybe you did or did not know about me.

1. I cry at movies. A lot. I cried watching Bolt, and today I cried at the end of Rocky II. I cry more over movies and TV shows than I do about real life.

2. When I do cry about real life, I find it really hard to stop and I will cry on and off all day.

3. I still cry about my husband, more often than I care to admit, but he doesn't (and won't) know about it.

4. I starting blogging three years and 4 months ago. The blog was dedicated mostly to my journey in Al-Anon.

5. I have written more than 1500 blog posts between all the blogs I write and write for and there are people who have read every word I've ever written- or at least come very close to it.

6. To my knowledge, my husband has never read anything that I've written nor has he taken an interest in doing so. Probably a good thing because I tend to be seen quite often in various stages of undressed.



7. I was a dancer when I was younger. I've never loved any hobby or pastime more than when I was a dancer- but I stopped after highschool and haven't taken a class or performed since.

8. ...except for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary.

9. My roots are grounded in my family. They are the hardest ones to turn to when I need them, but I know that they are always there. Always.

(this is my most favorite picture in the entire world)

10. While I am not making enough money to adequately support my family, 95% of the time, I LOVE my job and I LOVE the people that I work with. I finally feel like I'm doing something that matters.


11. I am trusting and forgiving to a fault. If you tell me you're sorry, I will believe you. Even if I should never forgive you, I will- I'm just that way.

12. ...unless you are now or were ever my husband.

13. I didn't want kids when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I dated someone who told me he couldn't have and didn't WANT kids that I even considered it.

14. A boss I had said something to me that quite often helps me make hard decisions. He said, "When you are an old woman and you look back on your life, what do you want to see?"

15. I have had sex with four of my supervisors. (Person from #14 was NOT one of them)

16. How I met my first husband: I gave him a job. Scheduled him to work with me all the time and hit on him the first chance I got. I married him later...


17. The weirdest toy I ever got to review was a big round egg shaped vibe that had these plastic nubby things on it that were kinda pokey. I looks like a blowfish and I was tempted to put eyes on it and throw it in a tank of water.

seriously right???

18. There is rarely an important decision I make in which I don't first consult my best friend Ed, it's been like that since I was about 19.

19. Oh my god, really.... twenty five????

20. I have not decided if I want to go to the 20 year high school reunion.

21. I have realized that I sometimes talk about things in MY world that don't translate the same in YOUR world. For example- me talking about dildo's is about as normal as talking about kitchen appliances or lampshades. I forget that for most people, sex is something they just don't talk about.



22. I have also realized that by letting people know that I am totally open in talking about it, people will open up to me and often feel good about admitting things they think are weird or crazy. Trust me, nothing shocks me.

23. I have a girl friend who I let tie me up with ropes, cause she needs the practice.



(that is a chest harness and a spreader bar)

24. It's 12:30, one more gratuitous picture of me and I'm going to bed.



25. Goodnight.

Holiday Meme

1. Hot Chocolate or Egg Nog?
Oh, Hot Chocolate. I don't like Egg Nog.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa wraps presents, and all the presents from Santa are in different paper than the others, and all the same.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Tree gets multicolored lights. Althought last year, all the lights on the tree were green. It was a mistake, but it looked nice anyway.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? If I have it, I might.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Either the first or second weekend after Thanksgiving. I have a fake tree, so it's easy.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? My aunts fudge, or the corn casserole.

7. Favorite Holiday memory? My favorite Holiday memories are with my family. My brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles... and my mom.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I NEVER believed in Santa. Ever. We were Jehovah's Witness'. But I wasn't allowed to tell people either.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Family presents are exchanged Christmas Eve. Santa presents are opened Christmas morning.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I do the lights. I always do the lights. And then I sit and prepare the ornaments for the kids to put on the tree. We listen to Christmas music and take pictures and sing.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Never seen it.

12. Can you ice skate? No

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
At the moment, I can't think of anything. That's kinda sad... give me time, I'll remember.

14. What’s the most important thing?
The most important thing about the Holidays? Remembering that its about spending time with the ones you love, and not the gifts. I always feel guilty if I cannot afford to buy presents for everyone I love- but I hope they all know how much I love them.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My aunts fudge. My mom's magic bars (that my sister makes now).

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I don't really have any traditions. I should start some.

17. What tops your tree?
It's a star.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
I like giving them- but I always stress about what I give. I'm always afraid it's not enough. Receiving makes me kind of uncomfortable sometimes.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Rockin around the Christmas Tree from Brenda Lee or
All I want for Christmas is You from Mariah Carey

20. Candy canes, Yuck or Yum?
I like em.
Since I'm a day late- I won't tag anyone- but I hope you all had a happy christmas.

TMI Tuesday

1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?
Of course. But if you're not, it doesn't make it bad....

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?
I think it was $50. I don't pay for them anymore. The most expensive one I HAVE is $120.

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?
Of course. I think I would do more of that cuddly lovemaking stuff.

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?
Brad Pitt. Or maybe his wife.

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?
Not yet.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.
My husband and I, when we were dating were at a restaurant having coffee and the guy came up and said, "we are closing, but you guys are welcome to sit on the patio after we are gone." We looked at each other and said, "Did they just give us permission to fuck on their patio?" They damn near gave us pillows for it!!

Stolen Meme

No more than 2 words can be used...
Have fun and try not to use the same
answers as the person before you.


1. Where is your cell phone? ....................... right pocket

2. Your significant other?.............................. cleaning house

3. Your hair? ................................................... frizzy curl

4. Your mother? .............................................. at home

5. Your father?................................................. two dead

6. Your favorite thing?.................................... my laptop

7. Your dream last night?.............................. about sex

8. Your favorite drink? ................................... cold soda

9. Your dream/goal?...................................... thin rich

10. The room you're in?................................ living rool

11. Your ex?..................................................... not bad

12. Your fear?.................................................. regret death

13.Where do you want to be in 6 years?...... not sure

14. Where were you last night?.................... leather couch

15. What you're not?....................................... thin rich

16. Muffins?...................................................... hot blueberry

17. One of your wish list items?................... gspot vibe

18. Where you grew up?................................ Cypress, CA

19. The last thing you did?............................. made hamburgers

20. What are you wearing?........................... black tank

21. Your TV?..................................................... playing Cars

22. Your pet(s)?............................................... three sons

23. Your computer? ....................................... my love

24. Your life?........................................... steadily unpredictable

25. Your mood?............................................... happy rested

26. Missing someone?................................. just Ed

27. Your car?................................................... green minivan

28. Something you're not wearing?............husbands pants

29. Favorite Store?........................................Target

30. Your summer?........................................ NEW YORK

31. Like someone......................................... very much

32. Your favorite color?................................. black red

33. Last time you laugh............................... this afternoon

34. Last time you cried?.............................. can't remember

35. Who will re-post this...............................probably nobody

TMI Tuesday

1. What lines have you used to let someone down gently.
I'm sorry- I am just not over my divorce... (yeah I was over my divorce before I even FILED for it.)

2. If I gave you $10K to waste, what would you buy.
I would plan a longer trip in NY. I'd go to London. I'd get laser eye surgery, a boob lift and veneers or whatever makes your teeth instantly perfect.

3. If I gave you $10K, but you had to spend it all on someone else, what would you buy.
I'd put a lot away for the kids for later. I couldn't waste 10K of thier money. My mom once invested the savings from us kids (at my step dads encouragement), and lost it all. She worked two jobs for YEARS to pay it all back to us. She said she never felt worse. I would put money away for the boys that would earn interest so they could get a car when they graduated from high school. That's what we got.

4. If your partner brought a double dildo to bed, you'd be ____________?
Laughing. "That's ok honey. I already have one here."

5. What sounds to you make during sex.
No shocker here. I am pretty loud and I say, "fuck" a lot.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell your worst break up story.
Worst, or maybe best. It was Christmas morning sometime in the early 90's, and Bob and I had just exchanged gifts. We had been sort of 'going through the motions' for a while. He was a nice guy, I liked him- but it was just not working and truth be told, I was already seeing someone else. So anyway- we exchange gifts, we had sex. Post coitus, I am still on top of him and I looked at him and said, "Baby I just don't think I like you anymore."

TMI Tuesday

1. Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend, who are you (more) mad at?
Probably my best friend, and I will forgive her first also. I would probably forgive the boyfriend eventually also. I am just like that.


2. Is there something someone could say to you that would cross a boundary of not being able to take back or forgive them?
You would think so, but then again, I tend to be the forgiving to a fault. I just don't STAY angry even when I should.


3. What non-sexual body part do you find the sexiest?
I love a guy with thick wrists. Mmmmm


4. Would you ever consider cosmetic surgery to have the perfect body?
I think if I had THAT much plastic surgery, I would not look perfect, I would look like Frankenstein. But in my dreams I look just like Jessica Alba.



5. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yeah, kissing girls is cool. They are soft and stuff.


Bonus (as in optional): If you were going to have a one night stand, who would you rather it be with- an ex or someone totally random you just met.

Someone I just met. I've already HAD sex with my exes. It's not strange, if it's not a stranger!!!

TMI Tuesday

1. Under what conditions would you kiss a stranger?
I'd do it on a dare, if they were cute! Or you know, in my family we do lots of kissing, so when we meet people for the first time (in a family event setting) we hug and do the kiss one side, kiss the other side a lot.
2. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? If you’ve never sent someone a text message, is there some reason
Cheryl, I was commenting on the picture of the cute cowboy she sent me!
3. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone?
I assume that grown ups hate surprises as much as I do so for adults the effort is usually not worth the outcome,
4. How often do walk somewhere (hopefully, other than the mailbox)?
Not often enough. I really don't walk anywhere if I don't have to (other than the mailbox) and I have the fat ass to prove it!!
5. What were the longest and shortest durations of your romantic relationships?
Longs is the one I'm in now, 10 years, or something like that. The shortest romantic relationship was probably two of three days. Two of three days of hot, dirty, sweaty...um "romance".

Bonus (as in optional):What is missing from your life
Strangely, romance.

TMI Tuesday.

1. What can you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself?
Go to school and get my education. I'm almost done. 91 days (and 2 more years for my masters degree.) It has done more for my self esteem than it will ever do for my wallet, although I am looking forward to that too.

2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why?
I could have taken better care of myself. I would not have started smoking, and I would have exercised more.

3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?
I think really, it's my cousin Lori. She has been a constant support for me for so long and even when I do things that are not cool- she doesn't judge and will still help me pick up the pieces when I break. She has been my college adviser, my designated driver, my psychologist and my best friend.

4. Tell us about your longest relationship.
The e-husband and I have been together for about 10 years now. Married for 8. If you didn't know, it's sort of a love/hate marriage that is convenient and inconvenient in the same sentence. I love and hate him in the same breath. He fills my empty spaces while he creates huge gaps in my heart. I don't know if I would say he was the cheese to my macaroni, but he is definitely the boiling water that cooks the noodles. (Ok, well...whatever.)

5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Apparently, never.

Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;)
I really do miss when the e-husband and I used to be madly in love and could not keep our hands off of each other, long before the drinking and the drugs and everything else that could possibly go wrong in a marriage. I miss the idea of living a long happy and loving life with him, and I guess I am risking a future with someone else to try to relive that with him.

TMI Tuesday

Super Tuesday no less. There is still so much I have to learn about this process- I didn't realize that not all states have a primary, so I feel even more priviledged to have been a part of todays voting. I voted this morning before I came to work, JUST so I could wear my sticker proudly. I voted for Obama, and I feel very good about that decision.

My son doesn't seem to care about how exciting this is, even though the last time I voted, I brought him with me because I wanted him to understand how important this is- he didn't care when he was 10, but hopefully he will be more interested come November. I will have to make a point to talk about it with him because apparently it's not happening at school.

So here's my TMI Tuesday!! If you can, vote today!!

1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?
I've always been known as Jewels.

2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference


3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?
I wish I had taken better care of my teeth, gotten braces when I was working at the Wherehouse and it was covered well by the insurance I was offered.

4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?
Cereal. I LOVE cereal. It's fast, filling, and YUMMY.

5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?
I have a pair of black pants that are kind of nice looking that I've had for about 7 years and I still wear them alot. They still fit, they are the right length and they have not faded!!

Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.
RX for Survival made me decide to change my major to Public Health instead of Health Care Administration. It really opened my eyes and inspired me
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/rxforsurvival/series/video/index.html
This is the link and you can watch some of the individual stories.
I hope it inspires you too.

Emotional Ramdomness

I am not a collector of things. I didn't care too much about Beanie Babies, or Precious Moments Figurines or things of that knick-knack nature. They collect dust, cost money, and I have no space for things like that. I do however, have a few things that matter and that I will keep regardless. Random things, from not so random people.

Teddy Bears. Strangely, I have 5. It's funny because I never intended to COLLECT them, and do I SEEM like a Teddy Bear person?? But regardless, I have 5.

The one on the right is Barney. He is the oldest. I got him from my step dad when I was really young. Maybe 9? He bought one for his "REAL" daughter and I was upset, because what did that make me? So he also bought one for me. I think it was his first present to me, and really the only one I remember the whole time he was alive. The black one was a gift from Alex for Mothers Day about three years ago. It was kind of an expensive bear from a 10 year old (that he MADE his dad buy for me), but it's very soft and he really thought that I would like it. And I do. The one with the hat, I got from my vacation to Texas to visit my BFF Carrie. She bought it for me at Walmart, and it's just darn cute. The last one was a gift from my sister, to Alex when he was a baby- but he never slept with it or anything, and I liked it. So I slept with it for a while, and now it just sits over my bed.

This last bear cost about $200. That is part of the reason I keep it. I mean, hell, a $200 bear?? It was a gift from an ex-lover. A married one. It's the last and only thing that I have from him. I got rid of every last thing, but I kept the bear. All my kids have played with it, and I don't keep it in any predominant place in my house, but I just won't get rid of it. The bears name is Bonnie, which is short for Trever's last name.

I also have a few other random keepsakes. I have a small collection of bunnies. I think there are 4 of them. Brown ceramic bunnies, that I think were my step dad's. I have no idea why he had bunnies. But my mother gave them to me after he died, so I suspect they were his. I don't know why he had them, or what the signified to him. But I have them now. They are packed in a box, because I don't have anyplace nice to put them. I repacked them whilst cleaning my closet the other day, and I wish I knew which box they were in, because I would like to put a picture up, but I just can't dig through that after I worked so hard to organize it all.

This cute little vase with the silk flowers was given to me from Alex for Mothers Day. It was a project from his day care center when he was 2. There was a cute little poem on a card, that had a dish sponge inside. I don't know if I still have the card, but I still have the vase and these are the original silk flowers, you can see where Alex picked off some of the small flowers. :)



Then there are the roses. During my wedding ceremony, we were each handed a rose, and then he said something nice about two becoming one, and then we put them together and he tied them together. It was very 'unity candle'-ish and very nice. At the bottom of the picture there is a picture from my wedding, and you can see e-husband holding the roses. They have always been displayed in my house since we have been married- drunk, drugs or diabetes. They have never been untied- and never stuck in a box- not even when we've moved from one place to another. I suspect that even if we divorce, I won't untie them, nor will I ever get rid of them. I just can't.

It's funny the things we keep, sometimes without even thinking about why, or what that means about us. What do you keep- and why??

Juliology- another stolen meme

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. I love a good ceasar, with any kind of salad but I will opt for Ranch if that is not available. When I was in high school, Carrie used to always make me go through the salad bar line for her, just cause she didn't like to do it. And she always had me put SO MUCH dressing on the salad it was gross and I didn't eat ranch for YEARS!!

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Taco Bell baby. I had it for dinner tonight.

Q. What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
A. You can sit down at Taco Bell. HA! But I love me some Olive Garden. yummy yummy yummy, I got LOOVE in my tummy.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 15% to 20% depending on where it is and how the service was.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cereal. I love cereal. My favorite is Reese's Puffs, but I also like Golden Grahams, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Cap'n Crunch (Peanut Butter!) even though it tears up the roof of my mouth!!

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Pepperoni and Sausage with Ranch Dressing and Jalapeno's on the side. Preferably from Pizzamania and made by my favorite Pizza Guy,

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Peanut butter, or butter and strawberry jelly.

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A picture of Brad Pitt. I turn on my laptop and say, "Hellllloooo lover."

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Three.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. I had my appendix out when I was a senior in high school. I have also had three children removed.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Genetically, my teeth are trashed. I can't wait to have them all taken away and get new ones.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. I lifted the couch today, that bitch weighs a lot.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Knocked unconscious? I have passed out a few times, but never knocked or hit my head or anything like that.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. It depends on HOW I was going to die. I would like to give my children the chance to say goodbye, and tell them how much I love them, and tell them not to be afraid.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. It's not my name that needs changing....

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. I prefer dark colors, but I think that bright colors are flattering and I do enjoy wearing red.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Not that I know up, but when I was younger, I stuck a pearl up my nose.

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. No, but my cooking has put my husband in the hospital a few times.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Theoretically, yes.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. I've done more, for less.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. It depends. I mean, why is my little finger worth $200,000??

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Probably, but then again if my bloggin was so bad that someone was willing to PAY me to stop, I would probably stop regardless.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes. I could totally use $250,000 and if someone really wants to give me money for that, well ha ha on them.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. As long as they don't mind if I throw up later.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. It depends. Does that person need killing? Sometimes, a man just needs killing.

DUMBOLOGY

Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. Nada.

Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. A good movie? No. A funny movie, yes.

Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Carpet. Ugly dirty carpet.

Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I stand. My shower is just a standing shower so there is no room to sit.

Q. Would you live with roommates?
A. Not anymore, I have too many kids to have roommates.

Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A.Three. I love them, but I don't wear them very often this time of year. In the summer I will wear them if I don't have too much walking to do.

Q. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. The last time I got a ticket but I can't remember when that was. I'm sure I blogged about it though....

Q. Who is number 1 on your Top 8?
A. My BFF, Carrie.

LASTOLOGY

Q: Last friend you talked to?
A: Online? Os. On the phone? Ed.

Q: Last person who called you?
A: E-husband called from the hospital to spread some Saturday night cheer.

Q: Last person you hugged?
A: Gabriel.

Q: Last person to stick their foot in your face?
A: Danny

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: Three.

Q: Season?
A: Seasons? What are those??

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: Yes. I have friends that are far away that I wish I could see every day.

Q: Mood?
A: Is "cold" a mood? If not, then lets go with tired, but I'm cold.

Q: Listening to?
A: The TV.

Q: Watching?
A: Overboard. This movie is just fun to watch. ("What? No boom boom?")

Q: Worrying about?
A: Strangely, nothing right now. Tomorrow is a new day though.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: To the living room to remind Alex to take his medication before detention.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: I can't wait until I'm done potty training Danny.

Q: What's the last movie you saw in theater?
A: Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I think so. I am a people pleaser, so I like to be known as pleasant.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Yes I am!! Even though someone once complained to my boss that I was unfriendly and uncooperative. But really I was just annoyed that someone was lazy and condescending. Generally I am a very friendly person. I want you all to love me.

Go ahead- do it.

looking ahead

What I look forward to in 2008:

Having no more kids in diapers. My goal is, by the end of the week to be completely done with diapers/ pull ups at least during his waking hours. At some point this year, my goal is April, to have Danny completely out of pull ups and potty trained 24/7. It's the end of the baby phase and while there are some things I will miss, the phases that last the longest are the ones that are most unpleasant.

Having no kids in day care. It won't be until September, but Danny will go into the 2 year Kindergarten program in September of 2008. It's the same program that Gabriel is in, a 2 year Kindergarten for kids who are right on the border of being old enough, but not mature enough or have a good enough grasp on the reading/writing aspect of Kindergarten. I remember when Kindergarten was just about colors and shapes and you learn to read and write in FIRST grade. Well the parents have pushed the school districts out here so far, that by the END of Kindergarten, a child will need to know how to write three sentences on one topic that start with a capital letter and end with a period. Jeez. So Danny will do 2 years of Kindergarten also. It will be great to see him learning at the rate that Gabriel is, and it will also be fantastic to not have to pay $135 a week for child care either.

Graduation. You seriously have no idea what a big deal this is for me. When I was pregnant with Danny, and e-husband decided to start a short lived relationship with crack cocaine, I had been going in community college, just taking general ed classes and thinking of maybe going into ultrasound technology or something trade schoolish. It seemed feasible, financially stable and not too grandiose. Once e-husband but closed the door on 'me believing he would ever be able to support us.'- I, 4 months pregnant- with a 10 month old baby and a 9 year old, decided I would go to school full time and pursue my bachelors degree. It took three semesters to get out of community college and I started Cal State Long Beach in Spring of 2006. Fast forward 5 semesters to May 2008 and I will graduate with my BS in Health Care Administration.

Graduate School. I have already applied. Upon acceptance, I will start in June 2008, three days after graduation. And 2 years later, I will have -my Masters Degree in Public Health. I will be the first of my mothers children to have a college degree. The third in the whole family to have a college degree, and the second to have a Masters- right behind my cousin Lori, who has been my unofficial college adviser, since that is what she does for a living, just not at the school I attend. She is the person I know will be cheering the loudest for me. It made me very happy to hear her at Christmas, telling me she will be making a special trip back to California, just for my graduation. It's nice to have a cheering section.

Disneyland. I am buying passes for me and Alex this year. While Disneyland is not my favorite place to go, and there were some days I would claim not to like it at all- I am looking forward to having this time with Alex. Something fun that is just for us and the other boys will not be involved in, at least not yet. I hope it will also be a good opportunity for me to spend time with my sister, and my friend Christine who is a Disney junkie.

Making more money. With my degree, holds a promise of a higher salary at my current job. My boss is in the works, trying to create a new title, and a salary that will justify my 40K education. In June, I hope to get that raise and enjoy a little more financial freedom. And by freedom, I mean, the freedom to pay my bills AND eat.

An improved relationship with my husband. Improvement goes both ways. There are days that I am ready to change my mind, file for divorce and be done with it. But really, I just can't visualize my life without him. Even if I TRY to. Either way, October 2008 is two years from the initial separation. And by then, I will simply have to make a decision. He will have to either man up and get the shit taken care of that I have requested of him- or I will have to move on with my life. I think two years is long enough. It's not as if I'm asking him to get HEALTHY. Just responsible.

More time with my kids. Starting next week, I am changing my work schedule. Instead of being at work at 6:30AM, I will be going in two hours later so I can drop my kids off at school in the morning. We can have breakfast together. They go to my parents house after school anyway, so they won't have to get up so early- I will get to sleep in and I will have more time. I only have one class on campus for my final semester, and the rest is online so I will be home more nights a week. Graduate school is 100% online. I have always said that I was going to school and doing all of this FOR them, to make all of our lives better. Unfortunately, it meant I was in class 2 to 4 nights a week. But now, it's time for me to dedicate more time to them. That is why I am paying more for an online graduate program- because I can't be away from them any longer. Graduate school was not part of the original plan. That's for me. But I won't do it at their expense.

You know, looking at this list- I really do have much to look forward to. Even if I hit road blocks and bumps and even some emotional tornadoes, there are things that will happen if I just stay on the path I've been on. Everyone has told me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And while I've been focusing on that light, I am finally starting to feel the heat from the sun on the other end. I'm starting to believe that it really will get better.

TMI Tuesday #109

1. Have you ever met a fellow blogger in person?
You know- I haven't. Which is strange to say. Because I feel like I have. There are a few bloggers I have been talking to, or reading for a while now. Those I feel a friendship with that technically I have never met. Weird.

2. Did you ever play an innocent game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"?
I don't know if it was ever innocent.

3. When did you get your first not so innocent kiss?
I was in 6th grade. Kevin Reisler. I didn't know I was supposed to breathe through my nose. classy, huh??

4. Have you ever awoke with someone who's name you did not remember?
OMG, yes. I was a junior in high school and I was at a party and I passed out, and when I came to I was sleeping next to a guy I had talked to at the party. I didn't know him and I started screaming. His name was Ed- and we ended up dating later. And shorty after graduation we had three straight nights of really hot sex, and I haven't seen him since.

5. Have you ever let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
Of course, that's what taking showers together are for!!

Bonus (as in optional): What makes a great first date for you?
Being comortable. Not trying to force conversation. Being taken to a place that is within my element. Laughing a lot.