Moment in the sun

The sun was coming right down on my skin. Gabe was playing in the pool in front of me, running across the backyard and cannonballing into the foot of water in the little pool. Danny was drawing with chalk between wading in the pool. A cool breeze came through the canyon and cooled the sun off my skin. I laid back on the lounge chair and turned on my ipod.

It was like a scene from a movie or a book. I was feeling calm and quiet. The heat of the sun poured through my skin and I stopped to feel it on my face. Life seemed peaceful for the moment and I let myself start to think about the days past.

Heavy conversations replayed in my mind. Advance directive. Hospice Care. Cremation. My calm and diplomatic demeanor as I gave my logical opinions and understanding. Detached and sensible, I promised to make sure his wishes were followed through, no matter what. We both know that it's coming, eventually. Maybe 10 years, maybe 5 years, maybe 1. I was strong through the conversations, holding his hand and pretending to be unmoved by the conversation that I never thought I'd have at 35.

Prince sang in my ears and I watched the boys play- wondering how much they would remember of their father. Knowing that I remember so little of my own. Knowing that it would be up to me to tell them stories of their dad. Happy stories of good times we spent. Inside jokes and how we fell in love.

I only wanted to see you laughing in the Purple Rain.

The song ended, just as I realized that I had never really heard it before.

I wondered if he ever spent a happy day with me. If he ever loved me as much as I once loved him. If he would ever know that there was a time I would have given my life just to see him free from the demons that plagued him. I would have sacrificed my fucking soul to free him from the demon alcohol, and the god damn monsters that followed. everything. every-fucking-thing.

It was never enough, I told myself, in the silence between songs. Everything I had to give was never enough to save him, or any of us. I closed my eyes and drifted away- feeling the sun burn my skin before the cool breeze would come to blow it away.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

We all have moments of weakness. Times when our walls simply cannot hold back what is behind them. It's hard to accept that love is not enough. That it never was enough. I watched as both boys played in the pool. Knowing that the same sun was beating down on their tender flesh- their skin was still new to the heat it would withstand in the upcoming years. And while a cool breeze would blow the heat away, it may still be hotter to them, than it was to me.

The trees blew in front of me and I watched Gabe shiver from it, but for the moment I felt nothing but the scorching sun. No cool breeze to soothe my burning skin. No wind to carry away my memories. Only the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.