Ruminations after the funeral

I went to my brother in laws funeral yesterday. The e-husband was too sick to go and I am still seething at him over that. I can't even talk about it. It was a lovely ceremony, save for the fact that there was no mention of my sister in law. Let me make this disclaimer, they were not technically married. They were living together long enough that it was considered common law, they had joint everything, domestic partnership status for insurance purposes. Just no actually ceremony where you kiss the bride. They were together for about 11 years, at least, had two kids and had struggled through a lot together.

"He was survived by his mother, his siblings, and his children." I wanted to scream. This is not what he would have wanted. He would have wanted her mentioned first. He loved her, adored her. The tension between his family and her is apparently serious and out of my realm of understanding, but for them to just go against what I'm sure his wishes were... oh it just kills me. I heard that his mother actually pushed my sister in law away when she tried to hug her at the graveside. I sat next to my mother in law and she sat between her parents. Holding one hand. Never thinking that she would be there in that place. Her true love, in a casket in the front of the room. It was heart breaking and made sure to hug her as tight as she hugged me, and told her how sorry I was. How much I know he loved her. How much I love her.

During the ceremony I did my best not to break down. It was a spectacular California day and Rose Hills is truly a spectacular place to be laid to rest. I looked out the window during the particularly heart wrenching parts and watched their daughter, my niece playing outside in her pretty blue sun dress. After the service, I made a quick exit after going out side to hug her tight. I have a very hard time with graveside services and I don't go when I don't have to. It takes me back to my step dad's funeral, at the same cemetary, and a time that I can remember feeling the worst I've ever felt- watching them put him in the ground. So I hugged my family and made my exit. Leaving gate 17 and driving directly to gate 1. Up the hill, to the left, and up the hill until I reached Fir Lawn where my dad's are buried

Every time I drive up there, I see that dark rainy day. The tent. No matter that it was 78 degrees and blinding outside this day, I still remember THAT day. I sat down between the sites and talked to my dads. I told them, probably for the third or fourth time... about Alex, and Gabriel, and Daniel. How much my dad would have liked Alex, he is kinda goofy sometimes, like dad was. How my step dad would go crazy over Gabe and Danny. Danny's mischievous ways and how smart and polite Gabriel is. He would have loved them to death, he would have made them laugh.

I sat quiet for a long time, trying to explain about my husband. They would have both like him early on, and hate how things have turned out for me. Both of them having had ailing health in the last few years of their lives, I know they would not have wanted me to choose a man, and a life much like the one my mom had with them. Funny how that happens. I sat and cried for a while, apologizing for my lack of.... life.
Me and my daddy issues.

In my brother in laws ceremony, the officiator talked about a bible passage in James 4:14.

Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

It settled into my heart and I can still feel it there like a weight. I don't get religious often, but I do find some things in the bible so terribly moving that they rock my core. This did. A mist. Just a brief flash, enough for some people to feel as it passes by them, and then gone. My life should be more than this, and as I was sitting at my fathers' graves, I could not deny that it simply was not.