My mangled heart

"I don't want the world, I only want what I deserve."

I think the reason I don't always enjoy going out is because it is just a constant reminder that this is NOT my life. That things like good times and fun and adventure are not something that are included in my list of 'important shit to do right now." It's just a glimpse of someone elses life, and I am overwraught with jealousy and come home to resentment.

Last night before I went out, the e-husband was so overmedicated he could not even muster enough strength to cough. He was practically choking on his cough. It was disgusting and I wondered if I put a pillow over his face if he would have the strength to fight me. Sometimes I just hate him. Sometimes I hate my life, and I hate myself for letting this happen to me.

I did manage to wake him, and when I felt he was alert enough I went out dancing and had a nice time. I think I said that already. When I came home I was just seething at him and this morning I just could not take it anymore. We had this conversation, this is the jist of my end of it- the end that matters.

You need to be more present in this marriage. You HAVE to make more efforts to get better. You HAVE to stop being so overmedicated. I have agreed to stay in this marriage, but if is going to stand a chance, you need to make an effort because I am so OVER this. You can no longer expect me to stay content in this marriage with no intimacy, no communication and no sex. I am lonely. I don't HAVE to be lonely. I feel like I am settling, and I don't HAVE to settle. You have to step it up, or we are going to have to come to the agreement that we are just good friends. I want more than this, and I'm on the verge of going out and getting it. You have to step it up, or I'm out.

It is your responsibility as my husband to care for your physical and emotional health. It's part of the promise you made. I understand that you are sick but I agreed to stay your wife, I did not sign on to be your cellmate.

The rest of the day was spend with the elephant in the room. It's out there. I don't even know why I said it. Nothing is going to change. I want it to change, but it's not going to. The crushes and the boys that float in and out of my periph are nice and they do give me some of the emotional strokes I want, but they are not really any more present than he is (or isn't). They cannot be relied on, and they are not real.

I don't know that I believe that there is another true love out there for me. I just don't know that I buy it. I was in love here, and this is what happened. I just don't know if I'm willing to get struck by lightning again. Even with that, I deserve to enjoy the benefits of being in a committed relationship. I don't need a housekeeper with ownership to my pussy. I don't need someone to pawn all over me 24/7, bringing me flowers every day and rattling the headboard every night. I don't want to dread going home to my husband. Home is not supposed to be the place where joys gets killed. I should not ever contemplate smothering my husband, just because I don't think he will fight back.

I just want to a partner who is present. A husband (or even a fucking boyfriend) with whom I'm sharing a part of my life with. Someone who is not threatened by my successes. Someone who really wants to be a part of what I've got going on. Someone who supports my emotional well being, and doesn't thrive off of my insecurities because he knows that they are keeping me here.

I want someone I don't have to survive.