will it be yes or will it be... sorry?

One of the guilty pleasures of adult life has been a little TV show I call Dawsons Creek. I watched it religiously every week and when it went was in syndication on TBS, I was on maternity leave and "coincidentally" was on at the same time that I was nursing and the baby's nap time, so I got to see both hours it played the reruns.

This morning I turned on the TV and Dawsons Creek was on. The season finale no less. The one where Jen dies. When Joey finally picks Pacey, and life goes on. Like it alway does, I cried. A lot. 6AM and Julie is over here shedding tears over 4 characters on TV. Even though I have seen it before. The finale, I admit, I have only seen once until today. Perhaps because it makes me sad and I reminds me of too much.

Now before you go thinking that I think this is the most heartwarming finale ever, you have to remember that I cry at the end of Homeward Bound and you know, when Chandler proposes to Monica. So you have to take all that into consideration. I am a big fat crier when it comes to television. Just not so much real life.

I do my best not to cry over the e-husband if I can help it. Partially because I feel he is not worth my tears, and partially because I have cried so many in my lifetime, that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Kind of like the person who says "I'm sorry" all the time. Overkill. Crying about the ehusband is obvious. You can assume I am always crying over him.

Some days I have regrets that knock me too my core. Sometimes I want to close my eyes tight and open them to find he is not here. That I do not have to think about how many pills he took today. Whether or not he will be 'well' enough to go with us to the aquarium. Sometimes life is harder when I have to wait and see if I can rely on him, rather than just knowing that he is not there to rely on.

This morning if came to me with two pairs of pants. One pair that should not even have been in the drawer. They were way too small. I mean, size 18 months maybe and another pair of pants that happened to have a hole in the knee. And he says, will this one (the small one) fit Danny? I gave him a blank stare, because he had one on his face. I could tell that he really did not know what he was doing. The medication just makes him disoriented and sort of "sleep walk-y-ish."

The exchange was not pretty. It ended up with me saying, "Just leave me the fuck alone."

Yeah, somedays regret just puts me in a strangle hold.