Accepting Disappointment

This mornings reading in ODAT was about accepting disappointments. I feel like disappointment is just a natural part of my day. Last night I came home after getting a call from Michael that he was losing his mind at home with the boys. He called and said he needed help. So I came up with some help. I told him he could take the boys to the babysitter, or that I would ask my mom if she could maybe take ONE of the babies. He got defensive and started blaming me. That it was my fault for never being home. And that when I am home I lose my patience with the boys too. Of course I do. I work all day. I have a million things pulling at me, and screaming babies are not exactly 'music' to my years. But I didn't just call him asking for HELP. I pointed that out to him, and he hung up on me. THAT S.O.B. HUNG UP ON ME!!!!! So whatever. I came home last night and tried to have a good attitude. Not let him ruin what could be a nice evening with the boys. And it WAS. I came home and did ALOT of dishes. I wish I could say I did them all- but I wanted to spend some time with the boys. I made some chicken and rice for me and Alex. I gave the babies a bath and we played and watched TV and there was very little yelling. Very little crying. And Michael slept either in his chair or in bed. I guess I was disappointed because Michael is just so filled with hate again. I think he has stopped taking his antidepressants, and he's just mean. It is sad that he won't take care of himself. And I won't do it for him.
I feel like I'm torn in many directions, because I can't afford to put the kids in day care full time. And I don't want him to just be allowed to be home all day and not work. But is it good for the kids to be at home with him if he's in a bad mood. Usually when I come home, they are clean, fed and happy- they are not shut int hier bedrooms or anything. I know he's not harming them. It's me that he hates, not them. I know that he doesn't WANT to babysit them three days a week. But if I have to work full time, and pay the bills and all that- then watching the kids is his part. He SHOULD be watching them EVERY DAY, but I know he's not well enough to do that. So I juggle. And his part is to watch them three days a week, and if he doesn't like it- then that's too bad. I don't get to slack off on my job. I don't get to option of NOT working and NOT paying the bills, so he doesn't get to get out of watching the kids. But it frustrates me that he tries to play the "you are a bad mom" card. I know he's just hates himself right now- but that is hitting below the belt. It's not fair to put all the responsibility of the house and finances on me, and then tell me that I am not doing enough for the kids. How can I possibly do that??
So today I'm trying to stay in the serenity prayer. I can't change the situation that I'm in. I HAVE to work, he doesn't seem to want to work very badly. I don't have to let him make me feel guilty for it. I do the best I can for these kids. I have to take solace in that. I have to believe that I am teaching them something. And making up for whatever damage he is doing by acting the way he does.
Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom. That's all I need right now.