frustration, sadness and anger....

The C2C book says "By my presence in Al-Anon, I have committed myself to breaking these unhealthy patterns. As I continue to attend meetings, I begin to heal, to find sanity and peace, and to feel much better about myself. I am no longer playing my old role in the alcoholic system."
Sometimes I wonder if I really am committed to breaking unhealthy patterns. And if I'm not, should I still go to meetings? Can I sit with these people in recovery and 'fake it'- if I'm not feeling it. I feel like I'm being pulled away from my program, and it's concerning me. Pulled away because I just don't WANT to do it. I just don't WANT to take responsibility for every move I make, ever thought I have. Sometimes I really just WANT to do what I want to do for ME- regardless of if it's the best thing to do. I feel as if I have to think, meditate and pray on every decision I make. Every time I get angry I have to examine the source. Every time I'm sad I have to write about it. I don't know. I know the program offers tools that will help me cope with the alcoholic situtaion. I know that these tools are useful in my everyday life. I needn't just relate them to the alcoholic situation.
I can't walk away from the program, I can already hear my sponsors voice, "oh, are you all better now?". Yeah, I know I'm not. I have a long way to go in the program. But I am just not ready yet. I think I am not ready to give up my life to a Higher Power yet. I feel like I'm just getting it back. I know that sounds ridiculous. I guess my life is supposed to get better with the help of my program, and my Higher Power- but I just don't want to do it HIS way today. I want to do it my way. I'm just conflicted, I guess. I think I'm just in pain. I'm hurting because of this situation with Michael and the fact that it really didn't work out the way that I wanted to. I put 6 fuckin years into this marriage, and today, I just want to be unhappy about it. I just want to be sad and I don't really WANT to think, meditate or pray about it. Why would I??? I KNOW what happened. It sucks. It sucks to high hell that my marriage is a lost cause and that at the point in my life when all these changes are happening in my life- I will approach them without my husband. And you know, my sponsor said, "well you can share that with us"- and that is just no consolation. At the end of the day, it's just me. In the early hours of the morning, I'm alone. And it sucks. And I'm angry and sad and frustrated about that. I don't need to sort that out in my head. It's not a question, it's the end result. And I just AM sad about it- and that's it. I don't want to share it. I don't want to talk about how sad I am. I won't let Michael see me cry about it- I won't cry about it. If I cry, I'll never stop. And if I feel it, I feel everything. And I don't want to. Shut up, shut off. That is what I would prefer to do right now. Shut down....