I finally got to a meeting last night. It was good to go. I walked in, and within a few minutes I started to feel better. I was reminded, just listening to the literature readings why I go there. It says in Understanding Ourselves : It is in Alanon that we learn to deal with our obsession, our anxiety, our anger, our denial, and our feelings of guilt.
So I came home last night feeling good about my meeting and that I have my program feet back on the ground. And I came home and was faced with unacceptable behavior again. It would be dramatic of me to say that I flipped out, but I didn't. I think I was pretty clear when I told him that I am through with this. I am just at the end of the red zone with this and I'm tired of waiting for him to grow up and stop acting like a teenager who has nothing to lose. I asked him to come up with one good reason that I should stay married to him, and when he said he could not think of one, I said that neither could I. I am sick and tired of the years of my life slipping away and I am simply unhappy. I really am at a point that if he decides to walk out the door, I would not stop him and I might even be relieved.
And it's not about love. I do love Michael, but I deserve better than this. I am learning that I am worth so much more than I am getting. I have been selling myself short for years, and not demanding better. And I am still not demanding better. He will either act right, or he will have to go. Because I don't want this marriage anymore. It's not healthy. It's not supportive and it's NOT what marriage and friendship and love is all about. I may not know what a healthy marriage looks like, but I certainly know that this isn't it. I may not have had many good examples of healthy partnerships- but I have seen enough unhealthy ones to know that I could teach the class.
And I'm not even sad. I'm indifferent. If he decides to act right and straighten up, that's great. I will be happy for him and for the kids- and maybe we can discuss salvaging this train wreck, this plane crash of a marriage. And if not, then I will get my life back. One way or the other, things are going to have to change. I just can't subject myself to this any longer.