It's real

And so it is, just like you said it would be.
Life comes easy on me, most of the time.
And so it is, the shorter story,
No love no glory, No hero in her sky
I Can't take my eyes off of you...

I am feeling empty today. Tired and unfulfilled. I have to find a way to fill these empty spaces. Program, reading, prayer, friends, family. I am unfilled because he is here and he is willing to love me today. He is willing to talk and laugh and be friends with me. And I won't let him in. I can't open my heart, not even a little. Because it's not true.
Last night Gabriel called me from to his room and handed me two pictures of me and his dad. He pointed out to me, that's mama and dada. He was smiling and proud of himself for his find. It was a stab to my heart. What am I doing?- is what I thought.. But I can't stop it, it's just shutting off. I know it's for the best. Detachment is painful. I wonder what kind of withdrawls I will go through when he's really gone. Will it be like before? That crazed feeling that I couldn't breathe and feeling so out of control because I didn't know where he was. Another addict without her fix. But then, I did know where he was. He was with her. That bitch who was really just another enabler who got caught in his crossfire- and for all I know, left as damaged as me. I never really trusted him again. Even though it should have started long before- the end for me, really started there.
It's best for me to just keep moving. Stay busy and stay quiet. He tried talking to me last night and I simply said lets just get through the next few days. He has court tomorrow, and I know he is worried about that. I know that I am afraid that bad news will send him reeling, but why throw coals on the fire. The end is coming, but who knows when? It doesn't matter- the damage has been done.
Last night I was laying in bed and he was on his computer, and I said goodnight. and he said "Goodnight Julie". His tone was defeated. He knows. I felt guilty. I wanted to comfort him. To tell him I'm sorry, and that it's going to be ok. That no matter what happens, I will not abandon him. That I do love him. Who comforts me when I'm defeated?