Long week

This week seemed to last forever. I had so many little tasks to take care of, and it seems as if every day of the week was filled with one job or another. I had tests and assignments due. Term papers and DMV appointments. Meeting my sponsor for dinner was really nice because we had been disconnected. She had jury duty for almost three weeks- and I just had to make my way without her. She was working hard, and just not available. I do not want to be one of those people who needs to call her sponsor so she can tell me what I think. I read something about the 7th tradition and being self supporting, and part of that is being emotionally self supporting. Being able to take care of some of your own emotional needs. If I wanted a way out, I could take that to mean that sponsorship is not important, but then I don't think that is what they are saying. I think being self supporting means to work your program. Do your own part. Don't JUST call your sponsor every 10 minutes, but make the reach out calls. Read the book. Go to meetings. Work your steps. It would be really easy for me to call my sponsor with every thing. I talk to her almost every day.
I hope someday I can be that kind of sponsor that she is. That I can be someone who people look up to- because I know that people look up to her because she is a strong personality and a regular at our meeting. Whenever there is a question, or a person who can't answer something- everyone looks to her. She tries to stay quiet and let other people contribute, but in the end, people will look at her and sometimes even ask, "what do you think?"
She said she was glad that I have come to these most recent decisions on my own. I even told my family about it, that is how serious I am. I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. I have no desire to work at it. I just have to let it go. I wonder what I will miss....
I think I will miss the jokes. We would laugh sometimes. We had inside jokes and things that used to just make us laugh when we didn't want to laugh. I will miss that. I guess I should not think about the things I will miss. There is no point in that now. I guess if I wanted to I could focus on what I won't miss, but I won't do that. I AM sad about it. I mean, here, alone- just thinking about it- it makes me kind of sad. It's the vows, the promises. They meant something to me- but he didn't hold up his end. I know he wanted to. I know that he still wants to- but he isn't. And I should not have to wait and wait and wait. We had so many problems the first 4 years, and the last two have been even harder. Isn't it supposed to get better?? Wasn't the "better, richer and health" supposed to kick in at some point? What happened to that part??
Well, it's too late for crying. What's done is done. It's best that I don't dwell on it. It's not supposed to be easy. And I don't have to think about the rest of my life. Just today. Today I am happy with my decision and I know it's the right one to make.