My actions

"A drinking problem in the home can often be more easily recognized by the wife's behavior than that of the drinker"
Man, how true is that?? I remember for years, back when he was still drinking, I was so emotionally out of control that anyone could tell that there was something 'wrong' with me. I used to break out in hives, right around the end of my work day. I would cry at the office all the time. I was a mess. All the while, nobody really seemed to notice that there was anything wrong with him.
I remember one particular Thanksgiving, he showed up absolutely loaded. I did everything I could to try to keep him quiet. To occupy his time and keep him from embarassing me. I was told later that everyone thought I was being so bitchy to him that night. Nobody remembers that he was acting strangely. They just remember that I was acting weird. I think in the voting pool, I'm the one who comes out looking crazy. He was just an addict, he acted pretty much the way that addicts acted- no suprise there. But you never knew with me, what kind of a mood I was going to be in. Alex still asks me on the way home from work, quite often, "Is dad in a good mood?" It makes me feel guilty and I try to just be honest with him. I wonder how often he would ask the same thing about my mood if he thought I would not get mad.
I am trying to be a little more predictable lately. Trying to be consistent in my behvaior and my actions. Trying to leave the bad feelings somewhere else and show the boys that mom can be 'happy, joyous and free.' I think I sent mixed messages to the kids. Love your dad while I hate him. Be in a good mood because the rest of us are miserable and not in the mood. My kids' skin is not as thick as mine. But I am trying to be good for them. For all of us. I am less miserable these days. I'm feeling hopeful and confident. About MY life, not about my marriage. I have given up hope that this marriage is going to miraculous cure itself. I remember a saying "Love conquers all, or it isn't really love." Yeah, that's bullshit.