guns drawn

I don't know why I felt the need to fight with him tonight. He pissed me off. I asked him what he was going to tell his sister about me not coming to Thanksgiving, what he was going to tell her about us. I guess I just didn't like his answers. That I want him out, that I don't want to be with him anymore... Oh- that's all. It's just me. I guess it's stupid to think that he would portray me as the struggling wife, who is exhausted and finally reached her limit. Of course he will portray me as being cold and unfeeling- and like I just woke up one morning and thought- hmmmm- husband?-don't need THAT anymore!!
What he is telling me seems unrealistic and I am having a hard time remember that it isn't my problem. If he gets an apartment, and then can't keep a job- that's not really my problem. It's really not. He talked about not wanting to rely on me to keep him on my insurance and my response was "oh- because I've been SO unreliable and making sure that you've been insured up till now??" What the hell is THAT about. You'd think he's be grateful. I am changing jobs AND insurance in February. Hopefully by then he will have moved out- and I could EASILY just not put him on it- but I am not going to do that. Can't he just say 'thank you'? Well, duh- of course not. What am I thinking??
He does not want to fight anymore. And I think I really WANT to. Why should he get off so easy? Why shouldn't I be able to tell him what a selfish bastard he is. Why shouldn't I be able to tell him how disappointed I am that he could not provide me with the BASIC things that a husband should provide for a wife. respect, honesty, to be able to trust... And it pisses me off that I am going to just sit back and not say anything because 'there's nothing left to say'. You know, I really do have a lot to say. Part of me really wants to tell him just how much he's hurt me. That I have changed SO much that I am hardly a shadow of the woman I wanted to be, the girl I used to be. Part of me really wants to tell him how he has screwed up his own life so far beyond repair that I feel sorry for him because I can only imagine the struggles he will have to go through to get his crap together. Part of me just wants to take care of all of that for him. LEt me help you, while I'm pushing you towards the door....
I wonder if this cycle will ever end with him and me. We have become the perfect working example of co-dependency. He has to rely on me and I resent him for it- but I don't let him loose enough to do anything for himself. He resents me for essentially rendering him "permanently failed" and I resent him for continuting to fail. And all along, I can pat myself on the back and say that I did my best. It's sickening. I hate that I have perpetuated this cycle for so long and that all my feelings of self worth stem from how he feels about me. I want him to move out. But I still want him to be grateful and acknowledge that I did the best I could. Pat me on the back, and then go. Yeah, I'm not sick or anything...
And I know, like it or not, that the main reason I'm angry is because I could not help him. My love could not solve this problem for him. Being with me was not enough to encourage him to want to get better. I know that it's not realistic, and maybe even selfish and ego-driven to think that I could beat his disease. But I feel that he never tried. I was not even worth it enough for him to TRY. Not even try... I can hear my sponsors voice, and even my last shrink. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, It's Not Your Fault, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know this. I say it in my head, out loud, to my friends, to God. I know that it's not my fault. But somewhere deep inside, I hear it. It's your fault. I can't shut it off sometimes. You were not good enough. You were not worth it to him. Face it, sister- it's all your fault.