Motives

Today's reading says that what I do is less important that why I do it. I need to always examine my motives before I open my mouth. It didn't mention if I should question someone elses motives before I believe what comes out of thier mouth. After a week of living with someone who resembled the devil himself- Michael appears to have returned to his human form and is acting normal again. I may never understand these mood swings. Sometimes I question if they really ARE mood swings, or just the addict without his substance- and does that mean, now that he is acting normal again- that he HAS his substance?? I don't know. Part of me wants to open up conversation with him. Play "nice nice" so I can get inside his head and find out what's really going on. Control control control. I don't really want to open up conversation and play nice just to have conversation and BE nice, well, maybe I do a little...but it's more about wanting to know what he's up to. Getting past what appears to be fake. The honeymooning phase. I don't buy it anymore. It always appears to be good for a few days, maybe even a week- but then it's gone again- and I spend a few days, maybe even a week being the enemy. Being called a bitch and blamed for everything. It's exhausting. It just adds more resentment to the list. I have not been able to detach lately. I don't know why- perhaps it's because I have not been to enough meetings. What is my motive for not going to meetings?- perhaps so I have an excuse to be resentful...People who don't work a program seem to be able to blame, resent, judge, control etc. without having to face any emotional consequences about it- because they don't have a program that tells them the consequences of doing so. I can't do that. I have to acknowledge my feelings, examine my motives and work my program because my program says so. And without it, I'm free to go back, to blame, resent, judge and control. But with that, I also have fear and discontent. I have no serenity. I don't think that my blame, resentment, judment and sense of control are worth my serenty.
I need to get to a meeting tomorrow. Now that I realize my motives, I have to do the right thing for myself let go. I don't have to carry the bag of bricks, I can put it down. It's time to put it down.