Wednesdays Thoughts

Our literature says that Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. To me this means that if things are not balanced and even, there will be resentments and discontent. Only when the scales are balanced is there an open path for communication, trust and love.
By allowing myself to be taken advantage of, lied to and treated badly then I am setting the foundation for resentment and discontent. It pisses me off that in the end, it's also my fault. I can't just sit back and play the victim to all this crap, but what does that get me anyway. I think lately I have been alot less tolerant of the crap. Actually lately, there has not really BEEN any. Bu lately, I mean the last week. I am sure that it will come back, it always does. Perhaps I put him in a state of constant failure because even when he is making efforts, I am just waiting for the bottom to fall out. What was the line from the YaYa's?:
"It's as if she is always waiting for the other shoe to drop"
"You know why she does that, don't you"
"No, why?"
"Because it always did."
I feel like I am carrying around bricks again. Trying to balance them on my shoulders, switch arms, balance them on my head (and walk like a beauty queen), or just drag it behind me. It's hard for me to let go of the anger and put the past behind me. Perhaps it's because I feel so wronged by it all. I don't know if it will ever be OK. I know that he is trying, and that he does not want to be sick and did not want these things to happen, but they did. He may never be square with me, not in this lifetime- and he knows that too and that works against him. But I feel what I feel and I want what I want.
I miss that feeling of having a safe place to rest my head. It's been gone so long I didn't realize that it was missing. I forgot that it was important. It seems normal to me to be on guard. It seems logical to me to do the things I have to do to protect myself. Other people don't GET why when something good happens to me, why I have to decide whether or not to share it with him, because sometimes it just makes him feel bad. I have been going to the hardware store for bread for so long, so often, that perhaps they are thinking of having a bread isle, just for me. Or perhaps I should just start buying some nails.... hmmmm. The bricks are heavy, and weighing me down.
I miss feeling safe, comfortable and wanted. Somewhere along the lines I have realized that I missed it. It got used to it. I got USED to feeling unsafe, uncomfortable and unwanted. And I don't want that anymore. I just want to feel contented. I need to feel at home in my own home. In my own skin. I know that he can't do that for me. I don't know if I will allow him to do that for me anymore. Maybe it's my own brand of justice. Just to take care of myself. To prove that I don't NEED for him to be nice to me, or make it right for me to be ok. I feel that so much has been taken from me, and taking care of myself is the only way I can take a little bit back.