4 days....

My son is leaving on Sunday. Originally he was not leaving until the 19th- but his dad, my ex has decided he is going two weeks early, so my son will be leaving with him. I think I've been in denial about it, and now it's really happening. I'm trying not to be emotional about it, because my son is an emotional kid. I don't want to make it harder for him. I am also trying not to be bitter, because he seems so excited to be leaving in the first place. I'm trying to be funny, and joke around about how much quieter it will be around the house without him around. How I won't have to watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore or hear about Avatar. No longer will I have to listen to "U Can't Touch This" on Radio Disney or "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Naked Mole Rap." Kim Possible who??

He laughs and says "mommmm" knowing that I am joking. Knowing that I like to tease him and make him laugh. Knowing how I am the cool mom who tries not to freak out if the f-bomb slips out (I know where he learned it), or who simply lets his grades be what they are because lets face it folks, in 5th grade- who cares if it's an A or a B.

When I was in labor with him. He was late and I was in the hospital. I was not progressing, and my contractions, while painful and uncomfortable, were induced and producing nothing. I was exhausted and irritated and as my step dad likes to quote me from that day, "This Sucks!"

It had been 34 hours of labor and I was now waiting for the next 45 minutes to pass before the let me have the C-section. With about 15 minutes to go, the monitor starts beeping and his heart rate started to drop. Nurses came running in and there was so much commotion. They were telling me to roll this way, prop myself up, put my leg up, no roll that way, this leg here, prop up, lay down- whatever. I was low on fluid and because I kept throwing up- I kept losing whatever fluid they were pumpin in there. He was could be laying on the cord, you don't know. Could be wrapped. Dont' know. So I was there doing what they said and listening for that beep beep beep of the monitor. I was laying facing the monitor and staring right at it. Watching the number drop. lower lower lower.... I just started at it. I could. like an echo, hear my mom, gasping and trying to ask questions to the nurses. I could hear the echo nurses around me. I could even hear the echo of my ex by the door, being distracted and escorted in another direction by my sister. But all I could clearly hear was that beep beep beep. And then it was gone. I started blankly at that LCD screen.

Just you and me, I remember thinking, you won't do this to me. We have a deal you and me. I remember that I whispered his name. I remember the world stopping, for just that moment between me and this unborn child. I started at that screen for what seemed like minutes, although I'm sure it was just a few seconds....and I prayed, even though I hadn't prayed in years...

....beep....

and he was back.

Within minutes I was rushed into the operating room. On the way down the hall they pumped up my epidural and I slept through the whole thing. I woke for a second when I heard him cry. They brought him next to my face and I touched him.

And I may never tell him how much I miss The Naked Mole Rap. Or how I will probably listed to Radio Disney, even though I don't have to. He won't ever know how much I wanted him to tell me he didn't want to go. He will never ever know how much I love him. He will never know that I am dying...absolutely dying inside to see him go. And how when his dad said he wanted to take him to North Carolina, the world stopped once again.

Born to be alive

Sometimes it seems like my life hasn't changed much, and sometimes I am amazed at how different I feel.

Maybe it's a confidence thing. Perhaps I just FEEL better about myself lately. Perhaps it's about detachment. Things with my husband have really not changed much. I mean, lately (and by lately I mean the last two days) we have been getting along a little better- but I have my doubts at how real that is. And when he gets into his depressed moods, I can't say that I'm OK with it, but I think it bothers me less at that moment. I try not to think of what the rest of my life will be like- because then it feels hopeless and endless, but in general, I can handle it one day at a time.

But I learned to get a life. To hang out with friends, and be social and have fun!! Oh my God, FUN. I almost forgot what FUN is really like. Being around people, and laughing and telling old stories and bad jokes and meeting new people and not even wondering if you fit in, because you just do. And then staying up late and LAUGHING so hard that you almost lose your voice. It's so good to feel alive again.

What's Left of Me

These are some of the lyrics from the new song by Nick Lachey... or the ex Mr. Jessica Simpson

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me
--------------

This morning I decided to give this song a listen. Apparently Nick is finally getting some attention to his music, now that he's been spectacularly dumped. And so I listened to the song and I found myself feeling sorry for poor rich gorgeous Nick. All screwed up and 'half a man'.

And it made me think about all the 'half men' I have fallen for. And the realization that perhaps that is my problem. Well, I guess I've always KNOWN it, but you know what I mean. I guess it's the co-dependent about me that makes me want to 'save' broken down, 'half men'. And I know that even my husband had a truck load of baggage that I thought I could carry for him.

So this morning while I'm listening to the words.... Take what's left of this man...yeah, sounds peachy.... Make me whole once again...great, cause I don't have ENOUGH to do....now I'm broken and I'm fading....and you feel you can be in a relationship-WHY???...I'm half the man I thought I would be...NOT A GOOD SELLING POINT...but you can have what's left of me.

Fucken GREAT!!!! Can't wait....

And I thought to myself that I don't WANT half a man. Why would (or DID) I ever want HALF a man?? What kind of crazy f'ed up thinking do I have that says I don't deserve a man who already IS what he's aspired to be?? What kind of half assed, backwards, low self-esteem load of crap did I sign on to that says that I had to be the saver of the broken ones. It was never my job, but I was always willing to do that. I was an idiot.

I was broken, and I am working on fixing myself. I am not asking anyone to make me whole again.

My life and myspace.

So I'm done with school for the semester!! Finally. Finals took three weeks, I thought I was going to go crazy, but it's done for the summer and I can't tell you how much better I have slept in the last three nights being done with it. I am not taking any summer classes since my son is moving in June and I want to be around to hang out and spend time with him.

So yes. My son Alex, is moving with his dad when school is out. To North Carolina. It was a really really REALLY tough decision to make, but in the end, I think it will be good for him. I can't imagine what it's going to be like, having him so far away- and I think I'm kind of in denial about it. My step daughter is also moving this summer, to Colorado with her mom and step dad. So my husband and I are losing our two oldest kids this summer, far too early. Way earlier than we ever thought that we would. It is actually helping us become a little more of a couple. We have common misery. We struggle with supporting the other person anymore- but right now- we both seem to be going through the same thing- so it helps. He is the only one who I can really understand what I'm going through, because we are BOTH losing our kids. It's not just me, or just him. This is something that is happening to our family. And unlike things that have happened to our family BEFORE, it's not the fault of one person, it's just life. And we are trying to work through it together the best way we know how.

I got a myspace page. I have no idea why. I had a profile so I could search and look for my friends who had one, so now I have one and my friends daughter helped me set it up. The song I have on there rocks, except it's got bad language so turn your speakers down. "Crazy Bitch" is a good song, even though it's vulgar and kind of degrades women. It still has a nice groove to it, and kind of makes you want to dance. So forgive me for having bad taste, but I like it anyway. It's kind of like Baby's Got Back- you can't help but like it and want to dance to it, even though it's kind of tasteless and tacky. Anyway, if you have a myspace page and you want me to add you and I don't exactly know you by name, tell me you know me from here, and I'll be glad to add you- but I keep getting these creepy friend request emails from guys who want to know how "HOT" I am. Yeah, losers... I want to deal with you, sure. But I will assume that the readers of this blog are decent minded human beings who are twisted enough to handle some vulgarity and some offensive jokes. And if you are wondering about my "Headline", it's from Dane Cook who is a comedian who I just love to death and makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

So now that school is done, and I'm less committed for a while- I'm hoping to start going to meetings again. Get back into my program, perhaps balance myself back out. But I'm happy lately. I'm feeling ok. I am having fun in my life right now, and trying not to let every little thing break my spirit. I'm going to be losing alot, giving up alot, in the upcoming months. I don't know how I'm going to handle it all. My doctor put me on some antidepressant/ antianxiety meds. It's about time somebody paid attention to the chest pains I've been having for years. The are helping, I guess. The anxiety/panic attacks are less severe and less often. They help me sleep at night- by the end of the day I am DEAD TIRED- and it's hard for me to stay up too late. During the day I feel like I have a little more energy. So that is a plus.
I can't complain about much right now. Life isn't perfect, but it sucks less than it has in the past.

Mothers Day

To my friends who are moms:

I have been thinking alot this past month what it means to be a mom. The things that we go through and the struggles we face. I have so many wonderful women in my life who I have learned so many things from. So many that have inspired me and in my mind, in my heart, my friends are a part of me, and I a part of them.

I always wanted to write a book about me and 4 of my best friends. They are different women who are only connected through me, and who only know of each other by name and perhaps a few chance meetings. My sister, my best friend since high school, my best friends since kindergarten, and my best friend since birth practically (who I have not spoken to in many years, incidentally). Even now when I think of the 5 of us, I think of how drastically different our lives are, and as women, friends, wives and mothers- we have so much knowledge to offer.

But spreading out my circle, I can see that all of my girlfriends have something amazing and wonderful to offer.

We have struggled together. We have struggled with having babies. We have safrificed alot to get pregnant, we have gone thru procedures and tests and pills and calendars- calculated our ovulation period, asked our husbands to give 'samples'. We have cried over pee sticks, sitting in the bathroom on the phone to each other, "There's two lines!" always crying, sometimes for different reasons. We complained to each other about sciatica, strech marks, cravings, and moodswings, having to buy maternity underwear, nursing bras, and pants with 'the panel'. We laughed together, and cried together- held each others babies in our own hands, holding them so close to our hearts and loving them as much as we love each other.

We have held each others hands, one of us in labor, the other one supporting. Both of trying not to laugh while the woman down the hall is screaming blood murder as if she is giving birth to a tire, and not a 7 pound child. We have fed ice chips, and wiped our sweaty brows, talking about how beautiful the baby is. We have taught each other how to swaddle, how to nurse, some good tips on burping, a few nursery rhymes, and about the magic of the 'boppy pillow', we have shared recipes, secrets, and baby clothes. We have called at 4AM, both of us up, nursing. We have figured out that just a little bit of cereal in the bottle will NOT choke the baby, and WILL make him sleep a little longer.

We have learned, and laughed over the knowledge that nursing one baby while spoonfeeding another is not only possible, but sometimes a necessity. We have given advice about the best babyfood, the best diapers, the best wipes, and the best diaper rash cream. We have oooh and aaahed over thousands of baby pictures. Here's one of her sleeping in her chair, here's one of him sleeping with his dad, here's one of her sleeping in her bed, here's one of him sleeping on the couch.

We have loved thier fathers, learning that our life is not whole without them. We have left thier fathers, knowing that sometimes the best we can do for is run for our lives. Sometimes we married them because it was the right thing to do, sometimes we left them, for the same reason. We have cried over bassinets, and cribs overwraught with emotion. Joy, sadness, regret, guilt. We have done the very best we knew how.

We have admitted, sometimes only to ourselves that we were not up to the task. That we could not take another day of tantrums, another sleepless night, another nursing session, another 'accident'. We have been viciously protective, and sometimes dangerously careless. We have gone home crying to our own mothers.

We have been through firsts together. First teeth, first haircuts, first sickness, first emergency room visit, first ear infections, first surgeries. We have shared our joys and fears and supported each other with the only words that really matter, "I understand."

We have struggled, and been there for each other. We have given advice, and at times had to admit that we did not have any good or easy answers. We have held our children close, and we have let them go. We have shared the most amazing thing we will ever experience as women, we have talked about it all, at length and in great detail- the changes in our lives, our attitudes, our body, our sex drive, the shape of our breasts and the size of our feet.

We are forever changed- each of us someone different from the next, many of us, barely a shadow of the girls we used to be. Separated by our experience, and connected by our mutual experience.

My friends, the many women I have spoke about- and you know who you are. You have inspired me, taught me, and loved me. You have shared my life, and helped me love my boys as well as love myself.

Happy Mothers Day!!

Alot of shit going on.

My husband had a friend who used to say that all the time. Whenever you would ask her how she was doing, what's new, how come she didn't show up... "You know, I have alot of shit going on right now." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't??

Anyway, I DO have alot of things going on right now- and I should be studying, but I feel like I need to just do this therapeutic writing for me, cause while I am making notes for my class, I am thinking of things I could be writing... so here I am.

I did speak with my sponsor after a week of silence. She emailed me and called me the day after she sent the initial email- and it took me three days to stop being pissed, and then 4 more days to find a long enough block of time to call. She apoligized for including me on that email. She said that she had not realized, or forgot that I had been to a few meetings a week. She admitted that it was stupid for her to send out a blind email to all the girls she sponsors (there are only 4 of us). She admitted that she should not have even included me. She apoligized. She told me she didn't want to lose my friendship. That she was wrong.

I told her that I had been very hurt, and very angry. That I felt it was impersonal and out of the blue. We talked about it. I forgive her. I have forgiven people I like LESS for infractions much worse. People make mistakes. What I think I liked the most about this whole event (and what I like about HER) was that she didn't push me to talk to her until I was ready, that she admitted that she was wrong, and that she told me that I had every right to be angry with her about it. She didn't even try to make an excuse. "What I did was wrong and you have every right to be mad at me about it." I love people who take responsibility without being asked to. And people make mistakes, and do and say really stupid things- that doesn't make them BAD people.

For instance, last week, in an argument I was having with my mother (for another post) I made a comment about my husband in which I not ONLY threw him under the bus, I was driving it- and ran him over- backed up, and ran him over again...circled the block and thump thump, one more time to make sure he's flat. And I immediately regretted having said it- and even though he was not there to HEAR me say what I said, I did tell him, and apoligized. I was angry and trying to make a point, and I just threw ugly words out there. I felt lousy for it. Lousy enough that I didn't have the good sense to keep it to myself.

I am in the middle of finals right now. Middle, but I still have two test, two papers and presentation due this week. How can this be the middle?? I am overwhelmed. I have six days and that is not enough time to study and write and prepare. Part of me just wants to say forget it, and give up!! Screw it. But I have worked hard to keep my grades up. There's no point in screwing it up now. I am not taking any classes this summer- so I will have a break very soon. JUST ONE MORE WEEK!!!! I can do this.

My best friend just finished nursing school!! She's been at it for 5 or 6 years I think. She moved 3 times, once from Texas to Indiana. She had a baby in the middle. And now she's got her degree for an RN. A nurse!! I am so proud of her. She has been one of my biggest supporters, and an inspiration. She deserves to stop struggling financially and be able to support her family. She's been my best friend the day we met in 9th grade and I would not last a day without her. Congratulations Carrie- you amaze and inspire me and I love you sister!!!

Finals and endings

Well this has been an incredibly exhausting weekend!!! I am so tired and it's not a good way to be considering I have two presentations, three finals, and one paper due in the next two weeks. I'm just trying to knock them out as they come along one at a time, not really giving me enough time to properly study for any ONE event.

Last night I took a nice break and took the babies to visit with my brothers girlfriend and that was really nice. I tend to not take them too many places, because it's just very tiring, but luckily she and her daughter were both very patient and played with them too. They had fun and were asleep before we hit the freeway ont he way home. I also go to burn like 15 of her CD's, so that was WAY cool and I have a whole new collection for my MP3 player and the car.

On Thursday of last week I had an issue come up with my sponsor regarding the number of meeting I am going to, my level of commitment to the program and a question of whether or not she plans to remain my sponsor. I was pretty upset by it, as I was under the assumption that she knew that I was taking in as many meetings as I could fit in- so this EMAIL came as somewhat of a suprise. But I was not going to question her boundaries, so I emailed her back, told her that I really cannot increase my "program intake" because I don't have the time, and if I do it "cause she says so" I will only resent her for it. She has since contacted me via email and a phone call and I have not called her or emailed her back yet. There really isn't a whole lot to say, I guess. I'm angry about it. It's not that I don't CARE what she has to say, of course I do, and in the second email and the voice mail, she suggested that perhaps she should not have sent it to ME (apparently she sent it to ALL the girls she sponsors!). I don't know. All I know is that I felt kind of rejected and misunderstood by someone who seemed to so convincingly tell me that she UNDERSTOOD why I was not going to as many meetings right now. She's human, and she did somewhat apoligize in her message. And I know that I should let it go- but the truth is, I am NOT working my program the way I know she would like me to so perhaps I will just consistently feel like I am disappointing her.

But it IS a program of suggestion and there are no rules to how many meetings you HAVE to go to. When I was participating in the online Al-Anon message board, I was VERY involved with that. Daily. And I had not stepped foot inside a meeting for a year, but you could not tell me I didn't have a program. Because daily I was sharing experience, strength, and hope with people in that group. Sometimes we talked on the phone to each other. Some of the girls sponsered each other. We talked about the steps, the traditions, we had 'group conscious' by way of online voting. The online message boards were never meant to substitute for meetings- but as long as you are getting the message... as long as we were benefiting from the gifts of the program- it's program.

I don't know, I'm twisted up about it. I don't know what the hell to do. Just like I don't have the time to go to a meeting, I don't have the time to deal with whatever I am feeling about this. Not right now. Even as it is, the 20 minutes it took to type this, I should have been getting the babies dressed so I can go pick up thier brother from his dad's...while I practice my presentation in the car.

Who says you can't go home??

Today I am grateful that I have a big family.

Not just alot of people, but alot of LIFE.

Progress...not perfection

This is exactly where I am today... it's all progress.

Last Monday I shared about my disaster of a house. Well, I have been pretty good about cleaning this week. I got the kitchen cleaned Monday and the living room on Tuesday. My bathroom was cleaned, sort of. The trash was picked up, the laundry is off the floor- and all the empty bottles of hair product, lotion, face cream, old eye shadow etc. is thrown out. It still needs to be wiped down, mirrors cleaned etc. But that will happen this week. I'm in no rush.

I made it a point to do dishes every day, except Sunday- and I came home from school tonight and at first glance, it looked like the return of the mess. I sighed, loudly-because after a long day at work and then school, I hate coming home to a mess. So I put my kids to bed- and got to work. Suprisingly, it really only took me 20 mintes and my kitchen is clean again. Like REAL people. My counters are wiped down, the dishes are done, my sink is shiny. Fucking shiny!!! It feels fan-fucking-tastic. So much so that I pointed it out to my husband, who was not immediately offering up any praise for it. "Looks good huh??" For those of you who know me, the fact that my kitchen has been clean for 7 days, (or 20 minutes away from clean) is a big accomplishment for me. I am admittedly lazy when it comes to housecleaning, well, not lazy, just indignant.

I have three weeks left of school and I have officially made it through my first universtiy semester.

AND, that woman I have been struggling to get along with...she and I had a few laughs today. I did my best to be as NICE as I could to her- and she pulled through for me and got me what I needed. Also I did find out the following day that she is going through some struggles with her family- so even though I had no idea what for at the time, I am glad that I prayed for her- because apparently she needed it. It did open my heart to her, a bit, and helped me to see her as a person, a woman, a daughter, and not just a co-worker who was pissing me off. So thank you to those who commented on that- and to D-man, for making me laugh about it.

So anyway, in Program, we say Progress, Not Perfection. And while some people, who I will not mention, use this slogan as an excuse to continue to act like douche-bags, for me- I try to think that it's ok that things are not exactly how I want them to be. My apartment is not super clean, and I would probably still not have people over just yet, but if someone showed up unannounced, I could say 'excuse the mess' and let it go. That is progress. It's good enough.

And today, that's good enough for me.

Gratitude List:

1. Clean Kitchen
2. Kids went to bed with minimal fuss
3. I went to a meeting on Sunday, and even though it was not the 'best meeting' I could go to all week, it did help me get back in focus.
4. My friends, who are awesome.
5. My brother is safe in the states for another week.
6. On Friday night, I took too much medication and my husband put me to bed, carried me to bed and changed my clothes and everything. It was very nice of him to do that- and not leave me on the couch. So I am grateful to him for that.
7. My sponsor for not giving up on me, even though I am not giving my program the priority it deserves, and for not giving me crap about my reasons.
8. The 12 steps.

Ripping my heart out...

Today's Meditation
-------------------------------
When am I manipulative?
Personal relations.
Without understanding our motives, we can easily lapse into behavior aimed at manipulating others. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win our approval. Flattery is a false _expression of approval that we don't really feel…. Giving others good strokes for our own purpose. Withholding deserved praise is a means of putting others down, something we're likely to do because of our jealousy.
Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. IT is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is certainly an immature way of dealing with people and situations.
The best way to avoid being manipulative is to be ourselves at all times. We have neither the right nor the responsibility to control or regulate other people. Our best approach, in trying to influence others' actions, is simply to state our own case with sincerity and honest. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.
I will be myself at all times today. I will not assume false roles simply for the purpose of bending others to my own will. Manipulative behavior is controlling behavior, which I must avoid.

The door to the human heart can only be opened from the INSIDE.

-------------------------------------

Sometimes I struggle with being myself, because I know my feelings will make other people uncomfortable. I know that if I say, "I am disappointed because...." it will only cause another person to feel weird, and chances are it will not envoke any change anyway.

Sometimes the truth hurts worse than any lie ever could.

But that doesn't make it any less true.

Wouldn't it be nice...

Pray for your enemies.

I don't get this... I have heard speakers talking about this idea. When you don't like someone, pray for them, that they get all the things you want- or all the things they want. And I don't understand the concept of this.

It's rare that there are people I simply don't like. There are people who I don't care for, who I prefer not to be around, but very few that I have gotten to know that I can day that I really don't like. I work VERY hard, like most good Al-Anon's to make sure that everyone likes me- and I have a hard time when I'm faced with people who simply DON'T. At my old job there was a woman who was a dear woman who most people got along great with, but she just didn't like me- no matter WHAT I did. In the end, I just had to give up, but to this day I would walk the other way if I saw her- because I think I would still try to be nice to her to figure out why she dislikes me so much.

I have a similar situation at work now. There is a woman who I simply HAVE to work with, my job requires her cooperation- and no matter what I do- I'm wrong. No matter how I go about asking for things, I find a way to piss her off. And today we had a run-in, and she was extremely rude to me, in front of other people. She pulled a total attitude with me, and I just felt really abused over it. Abused. I don't think that there is anything I can do to smooth this over now. She CLEARLY has a problem with me, and what I am asking of her- but there is no way around it. My job requires her to do her job- and we both get paid to work, like it or not. She does not have to like me- although it would make my life (or my conscious) easier if she did. All I ask for is some cooperation and perhaps some professional courtesy, and today I got none of that.

I did talk to my manager about it, which I also did not WANT to do- but you know, I can't really do anything more in this situation. I have tried to be as nice as I can, almost apoligizing for making her work. But I really can't just sit back and allow her to treat me this way. So I called on my boss, who I would not want to be on the wrong side of, to step in and help me. I feel awful for doing it- but I deserve to stand up for myself because I deserve a good working environment- and this woman is making my life hell now. But I do feel bad, I feel really crappy because I perhaps I'm more comfortable with this woman treating me bad, than getting her in trouble.

So anyway, why should I pray for her? What is the purpose of praying for someone I who I may or may not like, but who clearly dislikes me. What is the purpose of that??? Anyone....? Am I supposed to pray that she has some change of heart and stops acting this way, or is it just about doing the opposite of what you are thinking??? Is it about replacing anger and frustration with whatever warm and fuzzy feelngs prayer provides??? I don't know. Prayer is something I'm still kind of new at. So if you can share with me the reasons for this, give me some insight. Until then, I will act as if..something else I am told to do in the program. (kind of like, fake it till you make it...)

I'm getting ready for bed, and I am going to take a moment to pray for her- because that is what I'm supposed to do, And we'll see how I feel, and how things pan out when my boss talks to her. perhaps that I what I should be praying for. That she makes if out of that conversation ok....

Quick morning pick me up

I came home from work last night to a disaster of a house. I'm overwhelmed with the mess again. Somehow I need to get control of this mess, because obviously nobody else is going to. I could go on and on about how I am the working person in this marriage, and I should not HAVE to be the house cleaner too. It's not like M never does it, but the house is clean, in between disasters. At 34, I have no plan on how to keep the house clean. It's something I'm SO bad at, and I know that I've talked about it here before.

I left for class and thought about it and wrote down a cleaning plan. Surely people do not clean the entire house daily... there are zones, right?? When I came home I went to this website that I had come across in the past. Flylady I took some tips from there also.

Last night I cleaned the kitchen. Every dish, fork, and pan is clean. My sink is shiny and my counters are smooth. It took 2 hours, but I was also occasionally interuppted by the boys. This morning when I got up- I made my way to the kitchen- and it was SO CLEAN!!!!!

It felt so good and I am so proud of myself for doing it.

Today's Gratitude List:
1. Even though the babies were up late last night, they were in pretty decent moods and I did not have to be frustrated when I put them in bed.
2. That my kitchen is so clean that there is really only SO much mess that one person (who will probably not get out of bed much today) can do to mess it up.
3. That I have enough money in the bank that it is not going to hurt me to go without my child support check this month.
4. That my friends continue to take my calls even though I know that I am making them crazy.
5. That my brother is safely in New Hampshire visiting his daughters.
6. That no matter how bad yesterday was, it's over now.
7. That I have a plan tonight to clean my bathroom, and go to a meeting. I may not follow the plan, but at least I have one so I will not just be idle.
8. That I have enough Al-Anon and AA literature and speaker tapes and CD's, that if I can't get to a meeting, I can still hear the message and regain some clarity.
9. The 12 steps.

I am ending with that one, cause that's my Amen.

Lost for words

I sent out Easter E-cards this year. I hate that I didn't take the time to buy or make them. I used to make cards with rubber stamps etc. It was a business that I did. I loved it. I loved being creative, and going to peoples homes and sharing that with people. I was good at it too. I stopped because I didn't have the time to do the workshops, and I eventually stopped having time to even stamp. It burns me to spend $3 on a card because I know that I can create something cute, creative, and sometimes even quite beautiful for alot less, with the things that I already own- but I don't have the time (or the space) anymore. Now I will send e-cards, because it's easy and and I do pay for the Blue Mountain account annually. So I send ecards to all my friends for every holiday. But every time I do, I feel guilty for not having the time to make something, because everyone that I would send a e-card too- I truly care about enough to sit down and create something if I had the time to do it.

If I buy a card- it's usually because I am going to actually SEE that person, perhaps give a gift- or if I really want to say something. When it's for someone I love- and I want to say what I can't express in a few short sentences, I have a card buying test: If the card makes me cry, that's the one I buy. It's silly I guess- but it's how I know that it says what I want to say, because sometimes, I just don't know how to express myself quickly.

How do you just say "I'm sorry" when you are too sorry for "I'm sorry."

How do you just say "Happy Birthday" when you are more than just happy that someone is alive and in your life.

How do you say "I love you" when it's so small compared to what you really feel???

How do you say "Congratulations and Good Luck" when you really want to say "Don't Go."

Sometimes the words just don't come out right when I start to write them down. And what I end up writing is stupid and doesn't come close to what I really want to say- so I let the card say what I want to say- and I simply sign my name.

So for those of you that got the E-card, please know that I do care, and I do want to say so much more than "Happy Easter" I want to tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life. That I wish you so much more than a happy spring... that I pray for you often...that I hope your kids find eggs filled with jellybeans and quarters, and that the Easter Bunny brings you Flowers and/ or Barbeque Tools, as well as Marshmallow Peeps (the bunnies AND the chicks). I hope that I can see you soon so I can hug you and tell you how glad I am to see you. And that if I had the time to go to the store and pick out a personal card for you- I would have cried when I found it because it would have said exactly what I wanted it to say, but I just couldn't find the words.

Happy Easter....

julie

You give love... a bad name.

Chapter 2 in "Paths to Recovery" asks, How has the alcoholic situtation changed my sanity?

This makes the assumption that I was sane before I entered into the alcoholic marriage. I can't exactly claim that either. In relation to men, I made lots and lots of choices with men that were mean, stupid, reckless or straight-up crazy.

When I was in high school I started a bad pattern of letting particular boys come around whenever they had a fight with thier REAL girlfriend and then when they would make up, I was set back aside. There were about three of those guys in high school, and probably two more AFTER that. One of them (from high school) is my husband today.... Some girls never learn. Ever.

Had I learned not to be a doormat and somewhat of a slut- I probably would never have ended up in the life I have now. I don't think the alcoholic marriage is what screwed up my sanity. No sane person would have stayed in this life. Something in the wiring, I guess. A girlfriend of mine suggested that I'm just looking for someone to love me. Hell, I've had LOTS of men love me- a few of them still do. They just weren't the RIGHT men.

I don't know if I ever thought that my husband was Mr. Right. I don't know that I believe in that. I don't know that I believe in the idea that there is that one person who is going to fill all your empty spaces. I have met men who come close, real real close. Men who have treated me right, and been respectful and wonderful and gentle and kind- but in the end, I just didn't have enough to offer, I guess. That makes sense. We attract what we put out there. If I put out there that I'm kind of a mess, it's what I will get back. It's certainly what I HAVE gotten back thus far. The good men, didn't know what to do with me.

I dated a guy once who said when we broke up, "You know, I really love being around you- but lately, I'm starting to get these headaches...."

All I could do is thank him for his honesty. He was probably the only one who made me laugh on his way out.

So maybe my sanity was not intact when I GOT married. It probably explains why I got married in the first place. What sane person would consider the life that was ahead of me and say "I do"? A sane person would have said, "Are you f'en crazy??" But I think this situtaion, and being in Al-Anon and learning to be honest with myself has made me MORE sane than I've ever been.

So what has the alcoholic situation done to my sanity. Well, in a round about way, it's made me realize that I was lacking it before I got here- and and it's even helped me get some of it back.

Maybe I need a pet

I am thinking alot this morning on expectations and how I am frustrated that I do not get the response from other people that I feel I deserve. The Al-Anon Courage to Change has about 6 different entries on expectations and I read them all and tried to get what I could. I came up with these ideas...

Stop going to the hardware store for bread. This I know. I have been doing it my whole life, it seems, turning to those who can't or won't give me what I need and then feeling stupid for thinking I was going to get it in the first place. If I go to the hardware store, I will only get hardware.

Having expectations is premeditated resentment. When I expect things of other people, for people to act or re-act a certain way, I am setting them up to fail because how can anyone else know exactly what I want if I don't voice those needs. But let me take a second to acknowledge how much it pisses me off that Al-Anon has forever ruined my ideals of resentment and holding a grudge. If I'm resentful, it's because I expected something. So then it's my own fault. Yeah yeah, it's not about 'fault' (I can hear my sponsors voice in my head). But essentially I have to take responsibility for my own feelings...why am I upset, why am I resentful, what were my expectations- and in essence, how can I turn it all around and blame myself for it?? Talk about taking the wind out of your sails....

Maybe what I want is a pet. The book suggested that we want someone who is there for us, but who doesn't impose too much upon us. Of course, I have had some pretty demanding cats and even that is too much for me some days....

My point I guess, is that I am feeling really frustrated because I caught myself having expectations about a situation when I should not have. Some things in life just ARE what they ARE, and if I can, I need to enjoy them for what they ARE, not what I want them to be. Part of me wonders how nice it would be if everything just went my way... but then, God knows how well I have managed my own life up until now. Imagine the chaos if I got everything I ever wanted....where would I put it all??

Yeah, nix the pet idea, I already have 4 dogs in the house....

D-man rocks!

This is my 100th post!!! And so I thought I'd SuperSize it and bring in a guest blogger cause I'm so damn cool and modern.

So I have asked the D-Man to write something and lighten the mood around here, cause I check his blog religiously- and I wanted to do something damn cool and modern.

I'm in the middle of midterms and unfortuately not fairing too well so far. More on that later... and now- I present to you, the D-Man!!!

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You know how some countries have bears or eagles or tigers or dragons as their national mascot?

New Zealand has the Kiwi.

No, not the fruit.

Which is actually originally from China.

I mean the bird.

It’s small, fat, flightless, and too scared to come out during the day. Probably because it knows it’s endangered…

I’m not sure what that particular feathered symbolism says about my nation.

To be honest, I think I’d rather have a kiwifruit as a national mascot. At least people can choke to death eating Kiwifruit.

Cool.

The non-fruit kiwi does have a HUGE

Beak, though.

Which it uses to terrify snails and assorted bugs.

That’s the problem with New Zealand.

We don’t really have any dangerous wildlife here.

And I reckon you’re not living life on the edge unless you can wake up in the morning and leave your house and risk getting mauled by a cougar or a dingo or an elephant or a rabid koala bear.

Or the odd poisonous snake or spider.

I guess that’s why NZers invent stupid things like bungee jumping and jet boating and electric fences. To compensate for the not-so-wild and dangerous wildlife.

That said, we do have this one bird, an alpine parrot, known as the Kea.

It’s a vicious little mutha, with a reputation for ripping cars apart with its sharp beak.

In fact, its reputation is so bad, that the organisers of a vintage car rally held here last month had to hire Karate experts to fight the birds and keep the vehicles safe.

I shit you not.

If we have to have a bird as a mascot, then surely that would be way cooler than a fat little Endangered Species List bird that can’t even fly.

I will say this for the kiwi (bird) though:

It is very nice and juicy and flightlessness makes for an easy catch..

You can really taste the endangeredness. Goes nicely with a few slices of Kiwifruit.

And it’s almost as good as eating panda, or a baby dolphin….

Yum.

Why I still go to meetings.....

My next post will be my 100th post. To celebrate the fact that I have kept up with this for 100 posts, I have asked a guest blogger- cause I'm so damn modern.... he has accepted, but now I am fretting that he will change his mind and realize that I'm just not good enough for his writing.
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This morning I dragged my ass to an Al-Anon meeting. I haven't been in at least a month, I think. And I have no really good reason other than I just have things to do on Saturdays. Upon walking in the door (early!) I was greeting by a few regular attendees. I sat alone and quiet and waited for the meeting to begin, all the while wondering if I even belonged here?- maybe I would leave at the break, maybe I would leave before the closing prayer. The meeting always starts with 1/4 of the people in attendance. There were about 7 people when it started, about 25 people about 1/2 way through, and maybe 20 people at the end. I can't explain that.
I love this meeting though.
There are usually anywhere from 5-10 men in attendance, which is nice because it feels good to hear a man's perspective. Alot of the attendees also go to some different meeting, maybe AA, NA, or a different 12 step program, as well as a few people in counseling. While in general, the topics stay focused on the Al-Anon principles, we do share on psychological things too. One of my favorite meetings were about 'self-parenting' and 'my inner child' in which I stated that my inner child is a scared little whiny bitch who I just try to keep quiet....
Anyway, being early to the meeting, you usually get picked to read some of the literature- which I always love to do, because sometimes when you read it outloud, you really READ it- and not just listen to someone else read what you have heard a thousand times over. So today I managed to pick out the longest reading there is, Understanding Ourselves.
I don't remember if I have shared a section of this literature before but I'm going to do it again. Each meeting can 'choose' it's own literature to read, but I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting anywhere what does not read this one. It bears repeating again and again...

Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.

For newcomers, who hear this for the first time- it is usually at this point in the reading that the crying starts, if they were not crying when they walked in the door. I know for me, I felt that it was my fault because for all my efforts, I could not help him. I have said this many times... "Nothing that I did EVER stopped him from doing whatever it was he wanted to do" It means that all of my best efforts never made a damn difference to an addict who needed his fix. And while I know that, I also remember that it still felt like hell at the time, and still feels pretty crappy today.

So anyway, I was reading this literature and I realized why I still go to meetings. Because it reminds me of where I've been. It reminds me that what has happened in my marriage and happened to my LIFE, has made me into the person that I AM, good and bad. The shot to my self esteem, the loss of my self image, the crippling of my spirit, the damage to my very soul- can be explained in that first sentence. "Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault." I know a lot of people who have parents and siblings who are addicts, and they are not anywhere close to being damaged by it. Perhaps it's because they never blamed themself for it. I salute these people, but I am not one of them. Not by a long shot, baby.

I'm grateful for Maxwell House....

I thought to post a gratitude list today. Just feeling that... Life doesn't suck today, so lets acknowledge that...but first- some coffee. And yours truly just made a fresh pot because it makes the nurses like me. So I walk over and pour myself a wonderful cup of life giving caffiene... and there is no creamer. None. No creamer, or "nada" as the Sodexo gal tells me. Milk? We look in the little fridge, "nada". So I make a trip to the basement and get some creamer from the cafeteria. I don't know if getting creamer, but no coffee constitutes as stealing, I certainly hope not. I should have gotten some extra creamer, because my boss is going to want coffee when she gets here- but I think she might be ok without creamer, or hopefully by the time she gets here- they will have replenished the coffee station..

Ok, so my gratitude list is going to have to be short because I spent 15 minutes getting creamer for my coffee....but it's a well spent 15 minutes and without it, I become psycho/machete girl and people don't like her.

So here's what I am grateful for right now, and you know, it's the simple things in life that make my life worth getting out of bed at all....

1. My coffee is now the perfect temperature to drink.
2. My sister gave me this really awesome lipstick that does not wear off, seriously, for at least 5 hours.
3. Went out to dinner with my family last night- including my husband.
4. Husband and I are getting along pretty well lately. This morning, as I am five minutes out of bed, he stopped me in the hall way and hugged me for a what seemed like quite a long time, and I didn't hate it.
5. My kids are healthy and only minimally scarred by having me as a mom.
6. My brother will be out of Iraq for two weeks in a month. I'm so excited to see him and I will be able to give him a sizeable check for the van I am buying from him.
7. I love my van.
8. I got out on Saturday night, went drinking and had a great time, and made it home safely. And while I had a bitch of a hangover, I received no guilt from husband for having some fun.
9. I love my job and I could not ask for a better boss.
10. My friends are awesome.
11. After quite a scare, it turns out that one of my friends does NOT have cancer!!!!
12. My sister burned me a copy of The Go Go's Greatest Hits, and you know...what? We really DO got the beat!!

I'm out.
-j

10 years in prison for getting a blow job!!

Lately I have been just baffled with this news story. The 17 year old with a promising future who is going to jail for 10 years, for getting a blow job??

Let me start with the latter story, because you know...I watched the news. I saw the video. That boy was leaning BACK on the bed with his hands behind him, while that girl was doin her thing, or really- HIS thing, and the things of 4 other boys too. How can anyone claim that it was not consentual. Yeah yeah, legal age of consent.... sure.... but you know, I was 15 once. I know what I was doing. And I consented to it.

I feel for this girl, because maybe it was the humiliation of the whole slutty thing being on tape- her going from guy to guy to guy...christ girl...to guy...sigh...to guy. But really, nobody was forcing you.

Ugh...it's disturbing, yes. But you know honey, those are your consequences. I feel for this girls' mother- who I HOPE feels bad that a kid who would have had a future, is going to come out of jail in 10 years, probably not even a shadow of the man he could have been otherwise- all because he let HER daughter suck his dick. I guess those are his consequences too. But the punishment does not come close to fitting the crime. I have no idea what the legal age of consent is in California. No clue. Based on the way the girls are dressing now a days, I would be shocked if it was 16. I had started my senior in high school when I was 16. My first 'experience' (not sex) was when I was a freshmen- you do the math. And that was 20+ years ago- I doubt that the girls have gotten less promiscuous.

Did you see the movie 13?? Yeah, scary as hell for parents, and not totally inaccurate.

I think personal responsibility has to come in to play for all parties involved. Perhaps this boy and his 4 buddies should have known it was indecent for all that to happen. Perhaps they should have more respect for women than that. They should have thought about if that 15 year old girl was thier friend, thier cousin, or thier baby sister- and someone should have said, "honey- you better go."

Perhaps the girl should have had more self respect. Who knows what she was thinking. Maybe she was drinking. I don't remember. But apparently alot of sex was going on at that party, because this same kid was acquitted on rape charges for having sex with another girl that same night. (THAT video tape made it clear that it was consentual) So apparently that was the kind of party that it WAS- so what the hell are you doing there???

Disturbing as it is at a young age. In general, it's ok if you like sex. If Madonna has taught us anything, she taught us that it's ok to want to get laid once in a while. But take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your actions, your whereabouts. This girl put 5 young men in jail, and not because they tied her down and raped her- but because she made her way around the room to get to each of them- ON VIDEO TAPE, no less.

Three boys from Orange County, CA- each got 6 years for sexual assault that was also on video tape. THAT seems more worthy of a 10 year sentence.

And why do these idiots put everything on video???