Bad Romance

Yes I've been in one. For a long time. Part of the reason I don't write here much anymore is because I'm just plain out of things to say. I'm out of things to complain about and out of being witty, clever or sarcastic about my marriage.

I'm over it, and there's not much else to tell.

My husband is gone to a place where in 30 days he'll be on a better road to his recovery, but my only hope is that he will be on a road to anywhere but my apartment. I can't do it anymore- and I can't seem to find any good and justifiable reason why I should want to.

The fact that he takes decent care of the kids is not a good reason. He's supposed to take care of the kids. You don't get special points for showing up. Not even HE gets special points for that. And sure he does help me. When I'm sick, he brings me medicine. He sometimes carries me to my room and changes my clothes before he goes to sleep on the couch. He makes a damn good sandwich, and I almost always have coffee ready when I get up in the morning. Well, if I fall asleep on the couch now, I can stay there. I'm perfectly fine with a sandwich that tastes good- but isn't "damn good."

And I bought myself a coffee maker with an automatic timer.

It's a start.

Ok- ummm

Not safe for work, unless it's ok to watch an animal sucking his own giant cock.

Seriously dude, stop recording. You know how you can't jerk off when your cat is watching? Same concept. But your dick is not as big. I think really the most interesting thing here is just how big the wang on that walrus is.

Oh right, and the idea that walrus' don't have sex for pleasure.

But you know, this isn't sex. So it's all good. And really if you could do it... wouldn't you?

Maybe I will blog more now.

I'm blogging from my new iTouch. I rule.

post Christmas

hey look- two days in a row. I know how proud you all are.

So yesterday my husband asked me, "So how long are we going to keep the tree up?"

This is a debate we have every year. It's my job to take the decorations and lights down and personally, I like it up. I still turn the lights on at night. It's festive and pretty and even if it isn't Christmas anymore- it still makes me feel good to have it up a little while longer.

So how long is too long??

Good sense tells me after the first of the year I can take it down and feel like it's been properly enjoyed. Last year, I want to say it stayed up until February but I could be wrong. I think I will leave it up until maybe the week of the 4th. Definitely before I leave for Boston on the 14th.

Yes, Boston... in January. Do I have clothes for that?? um noooooooo. I have a few scarves- and I have gloves, somewhere. a few pairs of gloves... somewhere. A coat? yeah, no coat. Do I have long underwear? no.

boots? no.

a hat? well, I don't do hats- my hair does not accommodate a hat, so I'll figure that out.

I was at Walmart the other day and I saw those little hand warmer things you can put in your pockets. I think I'm going to buy some to tuck in my bra.

not even a good excuse.

Geez- remember when I had a blog here?? What a lazy monkey I am!!!

So instead of recapping what happened in the past 30 days of the life of Julie, I'm just gonna move forward and try to be a better blogger.

Christmas was nice and man I'm glad it's over. That is now TWO holidays in a row that I did not spend with my family. I really didn't like THAT part. It doesn't FEEL like Christmas with out my Tante Syl's fudge or my sisters Christmas potatoes. Of course the chili cheese dogs we had from weinerschitzel for Christmas dinner- WERE really good.

It doesn't feel like Christmas without my siblings. I did see them last weekend at a holiday party my brother threw and I went last minute.

I'm not sure why I still resist having fun.

We had a great time, good food and lots of fun. Oh and good food. My favorite part of the holidays is the food.

because it's not like So I hope that you and yours had a wonderful holiday. I will try to be more present here cause it's now like I don't have things to say.... I always have SOMETHING to say.

Gratitude List

and it's really not that I haven't been grateful- I've just been busy!!

Happy Thanksgiving.

But I am grateful for a great many things right now. And in true Thanksgiving fashion- I will make a gratitude list:

• I'm grateful that while I'm seriously broke, I have just enough.
• I'm grateful that I feel like my life has some direction right now. The path is blurry and hidden within the trees, but it's there.
• I'm always grateful for another day that my husband doesn't drink
• I'm grateful that my children are healthy
• I'm grateful for my family, who is always just a phone call away
• I'm grateful for new friends, old friends and 'special' friends.
• I'm grateful for my parents. I really don't know WHAT I'd do without them and I hate knowing that someday I will have to find out.
• I'm grateful that while I lost my best friend this year, I also learned a very important lesson:

Life is short. It's not always pretty and it's rarely easy. I made Christine a promise in those last moments I spent with her, that I would not waste my life trapped in a life I didn't want. I promised her that I would take care of myself and my sons. I would live and love and trust people because while there are some that are bad- believing the best in people is what will save my soul. And sometimes believing the best, is what brings out the best. She believed the best in me.

Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to make all the difference. I'm grateful for the people who believe in me.

Grateful Day 2

I know that it's not perfect. It's not even always good... but every day I am thankful and grateful that Michael doesn't drink anymore.

Dr. Bob and Bill W.

(I know I missed a day... I suck at everyday blogging right now.) Take it as it comes.

Thankful- day 1

Today I'm thankful for my friends. I'm very lucky to have a circle of open minded friends who accept me for who I am.



The horny slut who loves girl porn (and anal).

Sex Work Awareness

I didn't want to post nothing, Trixie!!

But here's something. I'm leaving for NY tonight. I'm excited and I'm mostly packed. I gotta get some last minute things together and I'm headed for the airport. I'm stayin in Williamsburg with friends for the 2nd annual New York Sex Blogger Calendar Launch Party where my friends will be. A lot of kinky, sex-positive, deviants will converge in NYC to raise money for Sex Work Awareness.

For those of you who are wondering about SWA: look at the link. It's not exactly prostitution as we see it on TV. I think sex work has it's place in society, and it's unfortunate that there is so much negative stigma and violence that surrounds it.

November 1- already?

I'm going to try to post something daily. It's good for me to write. The past 8 weeks I've been sucked into the worst finance class ever. It was good to know that EVERYONE was frustrated and did poorly in this class, I'm not just stupid.

My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 38. Holy fuck. It's strange, getting older. The reminders are harsh and usually shameful. I'm reminded when I find myself noticing boys that are too young for me. I'm reminded when TV shows like 90210 are ridiculous to me. I'm reminded when I pick up Womans Day magazine and not Self.

I'm not afraid of getting older. i'm excited about moving forward.

I'm headed to NYC for the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar Launch Party. It'll be great to see my friends, and see the city. I hope the weather holds up.

Ok- I'm going to try to post more, but first, I'm going to try to have something to write about!! I won't ramble nonsense. I hate that.

Stuff I'd like to see/ do on this trip.

Brooklyn Bridge

Empire State Building

Staten Island Ferry/ Statue of Liberty

James Farley Post Office

Really, that's not much.

at a loss

In about a week, it will be 4 months. 4 months since Christine died.

It's been a long and hard 4 months. Nothing feels the same anymore. I've made some big decisions in my life and done a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about how I want to live my life, and how I promised myself in her death that I would live better.

A few weeks ago I talked to her mom. It took me several months to make the call- and in hearing her mom's voice, just hearing her smile and how genuinely pleased she was that I called, it tore open any healing I may have done. It's ok, there's hasn't been much. We shared some funny stories and it was nice to know that my funny stories about Christine, she had also shared with her family. It was comforting to me to know, and to hear it from someone else that I meant as much to her as she did to me.

As adults, and especially as colleagues, we are sometimes hesitant to express our emotions and how much we truly care for each other. At my old office, there was one department who would hug at the end of the day when they all walked out together. I experienced this just a few times, and even though I hugged with the group, I admit I drove away thinking how strange it was. It's just the end of the work day. What were we hugging for?? Now, I think maybe they knew what so many others didn't. That when you're friends, and EVEN when you're colleagues it's important to openly appreciate other people. I sometimes wonder if she knew how much
I appreciated her. I know that I didn't tell her often enough.

I think about her all the time. Very few things happen that I don't wonder what she'd think about that. I'm on the verge of making a big change and I keep running it over and over in my head because I can't tell her about it. I won't get her famous, "well... wait a minute." Which she always did whenever I was doing anything I might regret. She always saw something different, she never 'didn't consider' anything.

Maybe it's because I so badly need her advice and support right now, or maybe it's because so many of my favorite TV shows deal with cancer.. but she's always on my mind it seems. There's always this heavy weight that I feel and I know it's because I miss her. Sometimes- something will cross my mind and I will thing to call her. Sometimes I even reach for the phone. It's then that I wonder, did I forget? Did I forget that she's gone and is that why I want to talk to her because I stopped thinking about her? How did I stop thinking about her? How did I forget that she's dead?

I am so out of sorts. So disconnected from my own life. Distracted, depressed and angry. I move forward because I have to, but it's with little passion, little conviction. Nothing feels as good as it used to, and I don't laugh without feeling just a little guilty about it.

Is anything ever going to feel normal again?

I was watching Waiting to Exhale this morning. It's funny how the years go by and I relate to different characters in the books I loved in my 20's. Back in my very early 20's- I was Robin, the one who kept meeting the wrong men and making excuses. Now, I think I'm more Bernadine.

"I thought that if I gave him what needed, he'd give me what I need."

Yeah, I don't think that anymore. Now it's more like, "I hope if I give him what he needs- he'll stay out of my way."

Nobody seems to understand my decisions and that's fine. A friend of mine said, "Oh you're never going to leave him."

I said, "Now why would you go and say something like that? That's just mean."

What did I ever do to that guy???

Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes

I know, where the hell have a I been right? Well, this Financial Management class is kicking my ass. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to retake it, or if as long as I can pull a C, I will be saved by my cumulative GPA. Either way, it sucks outloud. It's essentially over on Tuesday... and I am going to spend most of the next three days getting my project and done. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I'm going to have to retake this anyway, why go through this headache? But, I'm almost done, and there's a chance I can pass with a C.

Wish me luck and I hope I'll be back more next month.

I'm not ready to start spilling about some of the things I have planned. Big decisions and big changes and I don't want to jinx anything by claiming that things are happening. I can just say that things are falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my decisions are good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, probably because it's so rare that I make a good decision I just don't trust it.

But you'll know soon enough, cause we all know I don't keep my mouth shut.

In the mean time, look at this picture of my new kitty.

Someday

I love this song, and this video.

You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Things to come

Its funny how fast things can change. How sometimes one little thing happens that sort of changes everything. I said recently on Facebook, something about how at any instant your life can change so drastically, but when it does change- it usually isn't something good. It's usually because you get hit by a bus, or have a stroke or get caught up in an embezzlement/ sex scandal.

Sometimes maybe you win the lottery... ok, sometimes it can be instant and good. But you hear about the bad things more often.

So now there's some planning in the works. Changes. I wish they were good things like winning the lottery- but of course it's not.

Nothing ever happens quickly in my life. I'm not a 'fast mover' when it comes to big decisions. It doesn't suit me. I want to keep blogging- but I may clean it up a bit... maybe.

slight return of Half Nekkid Thursdays

I haven't been half Nekkid here in a while. I've been kind of distant and distracted and life really feels like it kind of sucks right now- it doesn't, it just FEELS like it.

Today I got a flu shot that left my arm feeling bruised and I found out that I current have just under $600 in parking tickets. Yes, you heard me....

SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS

So you can guess the mood I'm in.



Here's to a better Thursday, Wednesday can fuck off.

perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.

living vicariously through someone elses travels

So ThePunkGuy went to Australia. I swear, he travels for pleasure more than anyone I know. Since he knows how greedy I am for pictures and stories of his travels, he has shared some with me since he can't seem to get them to post on his blog. If you click them, they will open up huge, but the ones at the end are really worth seeing so big!!

If you get a change, read some of his great commentary Thanks tpg.



Sydney Opera House


natalie portman as the virgin mary. (maybe)


the harbor bridge from the water (hahh bahhh bridge)


Strip club in kings cross (backroom cruise area???)


Did the locals drink him under the table??


Sugar kane on fire in Cairns


Cairns, hungover from the port at 7am


Great Barrier Reef (I don't think this is thePunkGuy because I don't think he would wear that shirt... and really, water isn't his 'thing' based on his inner tubing incident in Hawaii...)


Cairns, by god


Great Barrier Reef from the sky


Sydney from the sky


Bonde Beach



Bronte Beach

all pictures taken by Kristian Sorge

today...

I suspect that all the blogs today are talking about it. So I won't talk about it- cause we know. I'll pay my respects by letting us all acknowledge in our own ways.

The only thing I will say is that there is no place else in the world I would rather be today (or any day really) than in New York City.

oh brother...

Gabriel said to Daniel today (in the middle of singing 'Beat It')...

"Danny? Do you know what a macho man is? It's someone who is really strong and gets to hang out with all the girls."

you know, if your big brother doesn't teach you these things- who will??