You turned the tap dance into your crusade

The anxiety is getting to me lately. I am having a hard time staying medicated correctly. My doctor said that we ought to increase my meds, and I increased the intake for a while, but then I got lazy and stopped taking the extra half. Some days I forget all together.

It hits me fast when I forget. By the afternoon I am anxious and feeling quite vicious. Dark and Twisty I like to say, but vicious is a better way to explain it. I feel like tearing my skin. Like bleeding. I dig my fingernails into my skin, my shoulders, my arms. I grab and pull at handfuls of my hair. My skin crawls and I can't breathe and sometimes the pain sort of releases a little bit of that. I can't explain it, but I think maybe it's why people cut themselves. I don't know. I'm sure it's why men punch walls when they get angry, and they feel better as their fists break through the wall.

Now I can think of two of three people thinking, "oh crap- she's done and gone fucking nuts!" No, I haven't. I am perfectly within my grip. I'm just being honest. I am not going to take out a blade and start cutting my skin. I don't need psycho therapy. I simply need to remember to take my pills, because I obviously have anxiety issues that have not gotten better, but maybe a little worse. But I am taking care of it. Handling it.

I feel very uninspired. I'm tired all the time. I'm burned out on my life. I'm lonely. I look ahead and I have no plans. I used to have plans, and lately I have no plans. No short term plans. I don't even have plans for the weekend.

Days and weeks blend together. Here it is February already. Being e-husband-less was supposed to somehow make my life better. I don't know if that happened. It's just a different demon. I didn't know this demon. She's a twatty little bitch and I wasn't prepared for her.