dance, pause, dance, pause

I was thinking today about getting a second job to help pay some bills. I feel like I somehow have time for this. Like I cannot afford to NOT have time for it. For all my stagnation, I'm always jumping around. Dancing from one thing to the next, it seems.

I used to dance a lot when I was younger. I was on drill team in high school, and danced with a studio. We used to compete. Yeah, back in the day I was all that. Dancing was in my blood I loved to perform. You'd never think this dark and twisty broad used to get out there at football games and pep rallies. And because I was short, I was always in front. Oh yeah, I used to be peppy! I used to wear a little skirt and cute top to school with a ponytail on the side. I was not a cheerleader, because I was small and afraid of heights, and everyone knows, the little ones are always thrown around. No thank you. So I danced. Danced my ass off.

Outside of daily drill team practice, I took 4 jazz classes and a ballet class that hated, because I had the grace of a mack truck and I got bored. We HAD to wear the traditional pink leotards to ballet. And really I preferred the high cut sexy ones that showed off my great ass back then.

About 5 years ago I saw myself on video, my aunt had some of my performances on video. And I watched them. Amazed that I was ever so thin, flexible, light on my feet, coordinated. I had a smile that went from ear to ear and I looked like I was having a great time. I remember watching it and thinking, damn, who was that girl?? I don't know if I have ever enjoyed anything as much since.

I stopped dancing after graduation. Never took another class or performed again. I was done. Some of my friends were going to try out for the Laker girls. But you know, I don't know that I was THAT good. And really, I was done. I did so much my senior year in high school. I had a boyfriend I worked with and was fucking my boss (who was NOT my boyfriend.) With drill team, and the 5 dance classes a week for the studio. The school competitions and the studio ones as well. I was a busy girl.

It occurs to me now, that perhaps I have always spread myself thin. Maybe that is why I always end up hated whatever it is that I'm doing. For several years I worked, went to school, and had a home based business as well. It's like I had to fill up every possible waking hour with SOMETHING, otherwise I get restless. My life is insanely busy right now, with work and school and the kids. And I find myself often looking into home based business and home parties I could do. For 'something to do'. I always have so much going on, that I can't focus or do anything WELL enough- and I get bored, or I start to despise it.

Maybe I have a delayed version of ADHD. Maybe I simply have not found anything that I truly love, that I am truly passionate about. I like who I am most of the time, and the roles I have. But none of them are anything that I truly feel I was BORN to do. My job is great, my kids are great, school is great- but I don't know that I'm GREAT at any of those role. Am I a great writer?- well that depends if you like what I write (different blog) enough to CALL me a writer. Some people would call it pornographic and offensive and call me disgusting and trashy. Some people have told me that I was their favorite erotica blogger. Which to me is a great compliment, but there's a certain amount of shame that comes along with getting so much joy out of something in which I would never give out my real name. Even if I COULD make lots of money from it. Hell, even enough money to pay the electric bill from it would be wicked cool. But ff I could not CLAIM it, how long would I enjoy it for??

E-husband is an artist. It's what he's passionate about. He has gone through phases where he simply did not, or could not draw or paint or create anything. But I am always amazed when he does. I don't have that. There are things I'm good at, but they aren't things that I love. And eventually I get overwhelmed, bored or just start to hate it. Dancing, candles, stamping.
Marriage.

So I guess it leave me looking, and waiting for the next song to dance to.