twisted truth and half the news

I heard on the radio this morning that the #1 lie that happily married men tell is: "I'll never lie to you."

I also read somewhere else that the #1 lie that men (all groups) tell is: "You're perfect just the way you are."

Gee- this is hopeful.

But just to even the score, I found this list of lies that women tell their men.

You can tell me, I promise I won't get upset. (This is a trap, if I didn't plan to get upset, I would not care to know what stupid thing you did.)

I don't talk to my girlfriends about you -- that would be wrong! (Yeah, well. If I've ever had sex with you, you can BET that at least two people know ALL about you.)

I wouldn't change a thing about you. (If this is the case, chances are, we're not a couple and your stupid bad habits don't MATTER to me because I don't have to deal with you on a daily basis)

Money is not important to me. (It's important to me that you make your own money. I can love a rich man just as easily as I can love a poor man- maybe easier)

We can still be friends. (I want to tell you about the other guys I am sleeping with.)

I don't mind picking up the tab. (I don't really care about this. I am always flattered when a man pays for me. But sometimes it's not a big deal.)

I don't mind it when you leave your socks and clothes lying around the house. (Find a corner at least!!)

I respect the fact that when you ignore me, it's nothing personal. (yeah, ignore me- go ahead. It makes it easier to look for a new man when you are not paying attention)

Oh, he's just a friend. (If I wanted to be with him, I WOULD. Shut up!!!)

Oh Baby! I'm coming! Yes! blah, blah, etc. (Well I don't fake it anymore. I'm 35. My faking days are over.)

The Superbowl's on? Great! (I could not even say this with a straight face.)

I'm not upset. (No not upset, just SAD because I am realizing that you are an asshole.)

He was checking me out? No, I didn't notice. (I always notice. I encourage it. Hello...)

I love to feel a man's beard on my chin. (Just keep it trimmed ok?)

It dosn't matter how big you are. Really! (I can love a man with a big penis just as easily as I can love a man with a small penis- maybe easire. C'mon, nobody PREFERS a man with a small cock. I mean, sometimes you just have to play the hand you are dealt. I'm ok with that.)

Oh, I had a lesbian experience... just once, though. (Damn, I wish I could tell this lie.)

Her! Ha. I am not jealouse, I am way better looking than her! (And you BETTER fucking agree with me!!)

It's your choice. (If I tell you that I don't care where we eat, I really don't care. If you chose someplace that I don't want, I will say so. Choose. CHOOSE. CHOOSE!!!!!)

no really I dont mind you sticking it there.

You are the best I've ever had (If I had a dime...)

No, you don't hog the bed, I have plenty of room.

Oh honey, it's not the length...it's the girth that counts. (This is a good one. Everybody wins.)

I am not using you for your money!!! (Hell, I'm looking for a man I can use for his money.)

I forgive you (I'll forget about it, until you fuck up again.)

You're my first (I have had a first time (for something) with so many different guys, I don't even know who my first was.)

Its not small, its average (Look, if you know it's small- don't ask me to reiterate it for you.)

Size Really Doesn't Matter (This is only because there is nothing you can do to change it)

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Now I have told a handful of these, but my commentary only reflect MY attitude. Not all women tell all of these lies, so you know- give me a break. Don't email me and tell me that I should always be honest. That in a real relationship, there is 100% honesty. I believe that complete honesty never saved a relationship. Imagine...

- Yeah, she is hotter than you.
-No I was not looking at his ass, I was wondering how big his dick was.
-Of course I'd like to fuck your sister, who wouldn't?
-Hey, read this dirty email I got from my co-worker.
-Oh my god- what the fuck am I eating? Are you trying to kill me?
-Of course I check your email, I also check your cell phone and your wallet.
-It's not the pants that make your ass look fat honey, it's your ASS that makes it look fat.
-When you laugh like that, you sound like an asshole.
-Well, that was mediocre!!