The e-husband is coming to town, most likely to go back to the hospital- but I'm not sure. If he can get his blood sugar to come down, then there is really no need for it- so we'll see. But I have a few days off so I don't really mind him being here.
What I do mind, is the compulsion to make everything about him. It will be a struggle for me to not focus my every thought about him and his problems. I have agreed to get involved, and advocate for him and his care. I found him a new doctor, I got a good referral and I name dropped. If he gets seen in my hospital, I will do all that I can to make sure that he gets seen and all things are addressed. But my god, I do NOT want everything in my life to be about his health and his problems. I have plans this weekend. Potty training, house cleaning. I'm having dinner with the siblings tonight. Those plans are not changing.
I see already- what happens to me when I'm with him too much. I feel myself start to disappear. I have to refuse- vehemently- to let that happen. I know why I pulled away so hard, and why I stopped caring. I could not balance it. I had to be in it, or out of it. I need to walk the line.
I have to be compassionate, not controlling. Supportive, not obsessed. I'm his wife. Not his caregiver. So many of our problems, and my unhappiness stemmed from my inability to let go and NOT turn myself inside out to fix him. This is from an old post I wrote in September:
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What in the world of FUCK happens now.
I can hear the voices of my well meaning friends, saying, "It's not your problem." "Let him sink." "Let him suffer." And part of me also realizes that they are true and accurate and not BAD advice. However. How do I do that??
This is where my struggle is today. One thing that I admit is that I have always had trouble with boundaries. With Michael, and really with a lot of people. I rarely put my foot down and say, "You can't treat me like this." My reaction is always to figure out why I had it coming and respond accordingly. If I feel I am being treated badly, I have a hard time pointing it out. It's an issue that I have. Perhaps that is the byproduct of being the youngest- having parents that were hot and cold emotionally- absent/dead father figures etc. Who the hell knows?? But somewhere along the lines, I adopted the thought pattern that if someone is treating me bad, I probably did something to deserve it. And besides, I'm strong and I can handle whatever comes my way- right??
So what is coming my way is the fact that I have set a boundary- and have simply been praying that I would not have to follow through with the consequences that I have set up.
I WANT to help him.
I WANT to make sure he is ok.
I WANT him to get better.
I WANT him to live.
But I also know that I can't. I can't help him anymore. It's time for him to grow up and pay some consequesnces. But how do I live with them? My mother is very hesitant to support my decision to throw him out. She went through this similar scenario. She left my dad- he was sick. He died. She felt guilt. Not that she killed him. But that she left him when he was sick. That she didn't help him. That he died alone. A L O N E. He had family too- but in the end, he died in the hospital- without anyone even in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery.
A
L
O
N
E
And she does not want me to have to live with the guilt that she went through. The guilt that I'm sure we kids unknowingly put upon her. And honestly, I don't want to live with that guilt either. I know that I will get past it. I will work through whatever guilty feelings I may have about what transpires over the next months. But I will still have to get past them.
Turning my back on him when it is clearly within my power to help, is something that I simply don't know how to do. I am terrified that he is going to kill himself. That he is going to get sick and die alone. That he is going to go back to drug, drinking, whatever. I am terrified that it truly CAN and will get worse. And all I had to do to stop it was just keep things as they are.
I know- I know. I FUCKING KNOW!! I can't do that. I can't live like this. I can't put my kids through this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to these little boys to sit back and watch thier father give up. I know that forcing him out is the right thing to do. It's what we all need. And really, it's what I want. But fuck- when has it EVER been about what I want.
With all the resentment I can stand, I have proclaimed for years, "It's all about Michael! Everything is about Michael- I should have it tatooed on my freaking forehead." But you know- it IS. It always has been. It's never been about what I want or what I need. And I know that it's time that I change that. I need to. and I have to.
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Walk the line, girl. Remember yourself. Remember who you are- and all you have fought to accomplish. Help him, do not try to save him. It is not your responsibility to save his life.
Walk the line. I can do this.
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