Who'll ease your pain?

It was a pretty bad day.  Tonight I watched the finale of Celebrity Rehab.  It's hard to watch every week- and this finale was hard to watch.

They played this song in the end- and I found it on YouTube.  

Alter Bridge- Watch Over You

Leaves are on the ground

Fall has come

Blue skies turning grey

Like my love

I tried to carry you

And make you whole

But it was never enough

I must go

Who is gonna save you

When I'm gone?

And who'll watch over you

When I'm gone?

You say you care for me

But hide it well

How can you love someone

And not yourself?

And when I'm gone

Who will break your fall?

Who will you blame?

I can't go on

And let you lose it all

It's more than I can take

Who'll ease your pain?

Ease your pain

Who is gonna save you

When I'm gone?

Who'll watch over you?

Who will give you strength

When you're not strong?

Who'll watch over you

When I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground

Winters come

You long to hear my voice

But I'm long gone

I've said it so many times.  Addiction is the worst thing that has ever happened to my life.  I have told so many lies.  I have so many secrets.  Really, what I want is to just sleep.  

Crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, and just not deal with any of it.  Somedays are still pretty hard, just dealing with aftermaths... demons that still rise.  The athiest said I was overthinking it (sometimes it make me wonder if he knows me at all).  No it's not overthinking it, if these are the realities of your life.  You simply can't overthink the things that alter your life.  If I don't think about it all, then I make rash decisions.  It's when I don't think, that I do things on instinct and my instincts, when it comes to him, are usually wrong.  I try to bend things to my will and I try to force things to go my way.  I can't do that.  It's when I "overthink" the options, that I see them all and I make the best one- even if it's not easy for me.  

The athiest has the luxury of not over thinking my options, to which I consider him lucky.  He refuses to cater to me when I am feeling sorry for myself- and as much as I want to punch him in the face for not knowing that his atitude felt dismissive to me, I guess I wish I had the luxury of putting it on the shelf because I'd rather not have to think about it anymore.  

I wish I could close the door on that whole part of my life.  Take my ball and go home.  Or maybe I wish I could just sit in a cafe, across my good friend, and have a cup of coffee... and not talk about it at all.