Does that really say 5 days?? Holy shit.
I find myself somewhat frozen with fear. I can't explain it. It's like I have planned for a very long time to scale a mountain- and I'm just below the summit. I can see it and suddenly I have to pee and I wonder if I should go back so I don't pee my pants and ruin my new boots.
For those of you who know me, you knew this moment of dread was coming for me. Where is the other shoe and how much noise is it going to make when it drops?? What is standing in the way of me finishing is one essay question that I can't even get wrong because it's ethics and there is no right or wrong. It's taken me two weeks to finish two questions. I did one last night at 2AM It's due tonight. Why am I waiting to finish it?
The e-husband said, "Just get it done. Finish it for fucks sake. What are you afraid of?"
nothing. and everything.
People are asking- so what are you going to do now?
DO? I have to DO something?? Suddenly I am thrust into this "now that you are all grow'ed up- what do you want to be?" scenario. My brother is looking up government/ better paying jobs for me. My boss wants me to present things at meetings. My kids want me to plan summer vacations. The e-husband wants quality time. Me? I just want to run away. I want to scream, "Ok- I did it. Life- get better ok?" Mr. Better Days show up and bring Mr. Career Opportunity with you ok, my dues- they are paid. I have receipts. I've been hitting the Xanax for the past three days- and a few hits of something else. My anxiety and blood pressure is up and I hate this about myself.
Just spaz down right? Be happy. Be proud of yourself. Stop being such a god damn mother fucking drama queen and "sit down and chill the fuck out" (as sung by D-man in his song, "Used to be a punk rocker, but now you're just a dick").
Why do I feel like life is just about to get harder?? What the fuck is the matter with me? Where did I pick up this bill of sale for "damaged goods" that comes with the added benefit of feeling as if the thought of life getting easier is just asking for trouble?
Captain Xanax? Captain Xanax to home base? Come in, Captain.
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
1 comment:
Damn girl, I think everyone prolly experiences some degree of nervousness when confronted with a big change :P
I think it's great that you are finished :) (even if you are going bonkers with anxiety)
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