I haz a blog and I will write.

I know right?? Oh my God- she's blogging here? What is she going to say??

Heh- to be honest I have no real clue. I have a head full of thoughts and I'm struggling to put them into full sentences. So here's my brain scramble, try to keep up.

I have no idea how my apartment gets so fucking messy and why I am completely incapable of keeping it clean. I mean- sometimes I think I'm the messiest girl ever.

Today I came home from work and straightened up, so that tomorrow I can clean. I need prep cleaning before I can clean. That's how bad it is. However tonight I de-trash the living room and kitchen. I did a small amount of shopping, washed my sheets, cleaned the cat box and paid the cable bill and fed the kids. Seems pretty simple, but usually I come home from work and take a nap, I wake up when dinner is ready. Do some homework with the kids if needed, read and then it's back to the couch for my homework- or another nap.

My husband, for all his faults, is a better domestic partner than I am.

I know- back and forth and who the hell knows from one day to the next if I am going to be married to him, divorce him, or kill him my damn self!! I haven't made any real decisions about that. I'm just taking it day by day. I know that will disappoint some people, but if you know me- well you know me and I don't have to explain my reasons. If you don't know me, well, you wouldn't understand if I told ya!

However, my new life has it's benefits. A few weeks ago, Alex asked me how my evening was- and I told him minor details. Michael walked into the room and asked what we were talking about and Alex answered, "Mom's date." and the three of us had a bit of a conversation about my date. Really it was more about traffic and the crazy parking situation in LA, but still.

Me and my open marriage.

And a calm conversation about it.

I call that a win.

The passage of time

It's been almost two months since I've written here. I guess I just needed to figure out where I was- and who I am.

The last three months have been rough. The first half of the year, I can safely say, was good, but like many good things in my life, they are dependent on something or someone else. When that someone left, well, everything sort of went to hell.

All I know is that what I thought changed my life, left me feeling lost and uncertain. You only realize how ungrounded you are when you are shaken up. When nobody challenges you, everything seems stable. And here I am, a whole year later, and life seems much the same as it was before. And I just can't feel anything but sad about that.

Sure, I'm much closer to that graduate degree. I have great friends and loved ones. I have recently been reminded how much I love my family.

But I loved someone, and he left. Do I hate him. No, but I just can't have him in my life anymore. As much as that hurts me, and as much as I want him in my life... well, he hurt me. It's hard when you think you know someone, and they are not who you thought they were. Maybe I expected him to be MORE than he could possibly be. Maybe I just expected him to be who he SAID he was. I don't know. But whatever he is, isn't mine.
And that really sucks.

So here I am, approaching 39. Transitioning again. Always changing and evolving. Always moving away from something, when I should be moving towards something.

Always ruled by my heart, never really learning that it doesn't have a clue.

dreams of the ocean

I had a dream last night that I went to the beach by myself in the middle of the night. I know... why would I ever do that right?

But regardless I went to the beach and went out to the cold water. I kept walking until I was so far out that I wasn't sure which way the shore was. My head was just above the water and I was on my tip toes. I remembered thinking that this was a recurring dream of mine. I was out in the water. I didn't know which way to go and I knew that I was going to drown out there. It felt like the water was rising. I was cold. My chest felt like I couldn't get air into it. I was dying. I knew it.

I thought that it wasn't a dream, this was actually happening and I was just as scared as I was in my dreams. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to just pick my feet up and float under? or was I supposed to swim? But I couldn't swim. I thought to myself- what am I doing here?

Did I come out here- just to die??

So I focused for a moment. I closed my eyes. I felt the water. I felt the current. I felt the wind. I got quiet and I listened. Which way were the waves going? I touched my toes to the ground and bounced back up- letting the water carry me. I did this a few more times, until I could tell that when my feet touched down, I was not as far down. Why, in my dreams, did I never think of this before? I kept my eyes closed tight. Crying, but determined. I was not going to simply give up and die- but not panic, be quiet and let the current take me every time I took my feet off the ocean floor. I continued to do this until the water was up to my chest. I knew I was going the right way- but I also felt the current taking me sideways. I didn't fight the sideways motion, I just kept letting the water carry me. I was too scared, too cold, to tired to fight the currents.

Just keep pushing off the ground, and trusting that it would be there when I floated back down. It did. The cold sandy ocean floor was under me each time I came down- that was all I could rely on. My direction- I couldn't change. Just keep going, I told myself.

I was up to my waist now and my body was stronger than the currents now. I could step. One foot, then the other. Still moving with the water. Almost walking in the direction of the current. Yes, farther and farther from where I started. But closer to shore. When the water was only at my knees, I fell foward and crawled. I let the water hit me, splash up over my back. I was so tired, I wanted to just lie down and let the water carry me- in some ways it did. I just put hand over hand, knee in front of knee.

When I reached shore- I lied down. I let the water lap and my sides. I was safe.
I wasn't sure exactly WHERE I was- but I was on the shore- and nothing else mattered.

I woke up this morning, remembering this dream. Wondering what it means. What is my lesson. What is my current? Why did I walk out there? Did I chose to die?

And why, in my dream, was being out in the middle of the ocean a 'recurring' dream of mine. To my knowledge, I've never dreamed of of that.

So what does the DREAM in itself represent?

To the person I wish I could be

Dear Julie of my dreams,

How does size 8 feel?
I hope you are enjoying your career as a writer.

Please send my best to your husband, wife, girlfriend, and the harem of others than roam in and out of your bed. What an amazing life you have.

Now get up.... cause you have laundry to do!

Someone from your Childhood

To PROVE that this letter writing thing is kicking something off for me, this is a portion of a REAL letter I wrote to my cousin and BFF:

Dear Lori,

How are you?? I know it's been about forever since I written, but I was thinking about how wonderful it was when we used to email back and forth. Email is such a lost art for me, now with twitter, facebook, chat and text. It's like if you can't say what you want to say in 140 characters, its not worth talking!!

But I did want to talk. I can't believe we've only facebooked since you got pregnant. That's ridiculous!! How are you feeling?? Are you terribly excited? It's a **** right? Have you picked out a name? I so wish I could come up for the baby shower!!

It's been a rough summer and I'm glad to see it go. I hope the fall will bring change to my life as I see that I have options now that I didn't used to have.

[The parents] are not going to be watching the boys as much so I guess I could move out of the area, if not out of state. I have three classes left of school- I'm so done with with it I could cry. I'm out for 19 days and then I have 24 weeks of study left. Honestly if I never have to write another paper again it will be too soon!! I have no clue what I'm going to DO with this degree and considering the option of becoming a truck stop waitress with comfortable shoes and purple earrings outside of Ontario. Seem like a pretty simple life.

The break up has me pretty reeling and feeling more broken than I have in 'I can't remember when'. It's been almost a month and I think yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I admit to using methods that are less than healthy to cope but none of them are life threatening. So now I'm looking forward and a bit unsure what to do next. I think I've spent so many years being in relationships. Stressing out over them, trying to create one, fix one, or save one. I just need a break- but really I'm such an addict about it. Always looking for my next fix of attention. I put myself on dating sites, only to be unimpressed, annoyed or simply not committed to really keeping up communications because I am just so very sad about the end of this relationship.

So I keep thinking about that 'break' that you took. I have a clear picture in my head of going to visit you at your moms, and you were sitting out on the patio- reading when I got there. It's such a quiet peaceful picture in my mind, and I wonder if I can do that. Just take a break, no dating, to touching, no sex. Just me and my thoughts and the other usual suspects. I don't know. I realize that I have set my entire life up so that I am never REALLY alone yet I feel so alone that I'm actually uncomfortable around people. why did the relationship end? Well, in the end there is no cure for, "I just don't love you enough to see a future together." There's no fault there- as much as I wanted to take one. Taking the blame gave me an opportunity to FIX it- but he would not allow that. He isn't a bad man. I just wasn't the one for him, I guess. It happens. sigh...

So now I'm just sort of searching and reaching and trying to talk less and listen more. The answers for me have to be out there. It seems insane that I have reached THIS point in my life and I'm still such a disaster with my heart. Seems like no matter what I do, I'm still led by my heart- and that has never brought me riches, or even happiness. Tragic really.

Anyway- I hope I hear back from you. I could use the connection and I really do want to hear all about your pregnancy, your home and your life.

love,

julie

Letter to Someone not in your State or Country

Dear Hetty,

You've been gone just a few weeks and I miss you and the family already. It was so wonderful meeting you. It didn't feel like you were family, but then very much like family.

It was great having someone to bond with a little, as I don't have a lot of local girlfriend that I can hang out with, and I am often not inclined to get out of the house very often. It was so convenient to have you so close. My kids adored you and your whole family.

I have thought very much about the things we talked about- taking a break for myself. Focusing on only caring for those that are my children and letting the adults be adults and allowing them to care for themselves. Your life and your free spirited bravery are so inspiring to me. To be able to move around the world, with your kids and just feel confident that you will land on your two feet. I'm always so paralyzed with fear that I have to justify purchasing a new stereo for my car- let alone anything that is life altering.

Your kids are beautiful, talented and well behaved. They are so smart and I'm so very impressed by your ability to connect with them on a level that truly shows respect and authority. Something that I think I lack sometimes.

I truly hope that you can come back to the states next year or sometimes soon after that. You would fit wonderfully here and I would be so glad to have you close. I miss being able to talk to you. You made good, what would have otherwise been a pretty bleak summer.

love,
julie

Letter to a deceased person I wish I could talk to

Dear Christine,

I miss you. Every single day. So much more lately.

I think about you whenever I have avocado on my sandwich and I remember with a smile on my face how you would shoo it away from your plate.

I went to Disneyland with my friend this summer and I felt you there. I saw the brick that your parents got for you. It made me cry. Sometimes it still seems so unreal that you're gone. I still have not deleted you from my contacts on my phone, my email, my yahoo messenger.

Of course, it would scare the hell out of me if you ever logged on....

love,
julie

Letter to my favorite internet friend

Dear Twitter,

Look maybe this is cheating... but really sometimes you are the best friend I have, anywhere.

I became friends with you about three years ago and the relationship was rocky at first. I wasn't sure what to say- if there was any benefit to our coming together. It took a while before it hit me- the value of our connection.

You have brought a lot into my life. I've made many many friends. I've learned a lot. The first time I realized the sheer 'power' of twitter was when my boss asked me how to mute on Treo. I logged in and typed out the question. In minutes- MINUTES- I got about 10 replies.

Twitter- from that point on- you became 'my people'.

You're not as awesome as the Google... but rarely do I ask a question to my people and not get some sort of response. Sure, sometimes it's not a good response. Sometimes there are the less desirables that plague my twitter stream.

You have given me a voice. Sometimes, people actually enjoy reading what I have to say. You are a place where I can vent my trouble, ("Dear Husband: Stop being a dick") share my joys ("Graduation Day!"), get advice ("Can I substitute cool whip for milk in my mac and cheese?) and just chat with my friends. If people are active in my tweet stream, consider us sitting in a coffee house, chatting and enjoying a muffin. Or you know, naked...

Oh Twitter, you HAVE broken my heart ("Has anyone seen my pants?"). You've given me directions, traffic warning, and a way to access the outside world when other life was otherwise dark. You have helped me make me some amazing friends that I've met in real life. You have brought me lovers and confidants and heroes. You are a pretty good wingman, but sometimes a serious cock blocker.

You have made me popular and you all know how much I want to be one of the cool kids.

Sometimes I feel like we need a break. That I need to just stay away for a while because sometimes, believe it or not- the internet is NOT big enough.

However, I love you Twitter. Even if our relationship is a little wacky and even though you completely encourage my identity crisis and sometimes kill my self esteem a little. Better or worse, I don't know that I could make it through a day without you.

love,
julie

Letter to my ex partner/ love/ crush

You know, I'm not doing this. Not yet- not now. Not here.

He knows who he is, he knows what I want to say.

He knows how I feel.

I love you, I hate you.
Don't leave me, go away.
I can't stay, don't go.

Lather Rinse Repeat. He knows.

We move on to love another day.

Letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

I haven't seen you for a while. For most of the past 5 years I see you at the end of my work day. Sitting at the freeway onramp. When I had money, I always gave it to you. You were almost always there. I always made eye contact, even when I didn't have anything to give you.

Last year or so, the sign that you sometimes carried mentioned cancer.

So it makes me very sad to realize that I haven't seen you recently.

I hope that you are ok.

love,
julie

Letter to my dreams

Dear Dreams,

Well I really overshot the runway on that didn't I?

better luck next time,
julie

Letter to my siblings

Dear Siblings,

One of my greatest joys in life is having you. It is comforting to know that there are people who may not know me- but know my heart. It's comforting to know that you may not always agree with half of the shit that I do- you will still love me. And you know that I still love you.

I admit it's struggle being the youngest. Being the one who can never seem to get her shit together. The one who lives closest to mom and therefore monopolizes much of her time. It's not as easy as it looks. It's not easy thinking that nobody REALLY takes me seriously.

But I don't blame you for that.

I'm just grateful every day- that we grew up on a family where we may not always like each other, we may not always support the decisions, but that we are not one of those families that 'disowns'.

I never understood that about some families, more often American families. Where someone will disown another member. Cut them off completely as if they just weren't ever there. Who teaches these things? It's so foreign to me. I could never imagine just forgetting I ever had siblings. Thats like saying I never had this arm... it doesn't calculate. The other day I said this to a friend:

being a family just isn't an option for us...

I think it's sad to think that it's an option for anyone.

I mean, (she) can be a thorn...

but you know- my family?? the whole 'entity'...

it's who I am.

so you take the pieces as part of the whole.

love,
Julie

Letter to my parents

Dear Mom,

This isn't an easy letter to write and I'm really not in any place to handle all the major things I need to talk about. I wish you knew me better. I wish I understood what you expected of me. I wish that I ever felt like I was a decent enough daughter for you to actually say outloud that I was good enough. That you were proud of me. You have no idea what that would mean if you actually said it to me and not people around me but never to me.

I applaud you for making motherhood look easy, but I don't think that it's necessary to make me feel like I've failed at it. Nobody is perfect. I'm certainly sure of that. I've learned a lot about raising my kids from you. Not by the way you raised me, but by the way you care for my kids.

There's so much that I haven't told you about me. So much that you wouldn't want to know. So much that you would deny, not understand or flat out deny. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish that we had some understanding that our feelings were valid even if they didn't make sense to each other.

While I may never be as level headed, brave or stable as the other sibs- I am certain that I am of value in this family, even if only for comic relief. It's not easy being the 'helpless' one- or the one who is always getting into trouble or the one who is always making mistakes or the one who married the drug addict. Nobody ever lets me forget it, ever.

While maybe this letter seems a bit aggressive, if you knew anything about me- maybe you'd know why. Maybe you'd understand that living the life I'm living is exhausting. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm very very scared. I don't blame you or dad, or Bill or even your husband now for anything that is wrong with me. Well, maybe Bill some... but that's something else you'll never know about because I won't ever tell you what happened there. Ever.

You know, like so many other conversations I've started with you- I can't finish this one either. You don't thnk know me. You don't think you want to. That's probably for the best.

I love you. I wish I could be more like you. Or maybe I just wish that I felt you liked me more.

Maybe both.

love,
julie

Harsh book quotes to remember as I go thru my breakup

These things rip my heart right out, but there is no denying that they are true.

He's Just Not that Into You

by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

Just remember that (he) is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

---

I wish I could say that I was living by these thoughts... but I'm trying to remember them when I get too far down. especially that last one.

Letter to my partner

Dear Michael,

I'm not going to focus on the bad things. We have enough bad memories, regrets and disappoinments to last 25 years. Instead, I'm going to focus on something in common, but good. The kids.

Alex seems to be doing ok now that his gf is on vacation. He sleeps late and stays up late but I don't ive him too much grief about it. I have to constantly ride him about doing his chores which makes me feel kinda bad that I always told you to get off of his case about his chores. You were right, if I don't tell him 5 times, it doesn't get done. Perhaps it WAS getting done because you were riding him all day about it. I worry a little about the boys he's hanging out with. He has alluded that M and H are into some 'stuff I wouldn't like' - but that he doesn't do stuff like that cause his gf wouldn't like it. I suspect he's kept his nose clean, but you can never be sure.

Gabe is doing better. Lately I am frustated with him because he won't eat. He fusses about everything I make, but then complains that he's starving. I'm trying to be patient and understand that he's going thru a lot, but he's just pushing back for no apparent reason. I can't let the kid starve, but he's so stubborn, I'm tempted.

Danny is just Danny. He's in his own little world Like I said, he hasn't asked much about you- but I see his behavior regressing. He's watching the preschool TV shows and find himself fascinated as if he's not seem them before. It's a bit disconcerting but somehow it isn't manifesting into any other bad behavior so I won't complain too much.

And me? well, you know it isn't easy bein me these days. It was nice to see you the other day and I admit I was a bit needy and emotional. I'm glad that one of us is in a good place and we didn't let sad emotions get the best of us. I want to do what's best for all of us, and I think we are on the right path to that- but I can't help but be a little sad, thinking... what if?? I can't hold out those kind of hopes anymore as it puts too much pressure on you and to be honest, I think some things are better left out to pasture- you know? Regardless, it was good to see and hear you sounding hopeful about sobriety. It is good to see you hopeful about anything.

Either way, seeing you made me smile- the hug was much needed and I appreciated it more than you know. It's a dreary existence some days- and it's nice to know that someone will still give me a no strings attached hug if I ask for it.

Thank you for that.

love,
julie

Letter to my best friend

Dear Carrie:

I really meant it when I asked if you could come out and just take care of me for a while. I know you would if you could. I cant think of anything more comforting than an unjudging person sitting next to me and holding my hair back through the emotional vomit. I know when I'm a mess, and I know when I need to come home again. If my mothers house wasn't full of people, I'd probably camp out there until the storm is over.

I sometimes wonder if our lives might have been different if we lived closer together. If you had never left California- or if I had moved to be closer to you. I can't tell you how many times I thought about packing up and leaving. I think the only reason I'd ever want to live in Oklahoma was because you were there.

It makes me sad that our kids don't know each other. That they didn't grow up sort enmeshed in each others lives the way my brothers friends/ kids did. They are all close in age, both 'sets', and I wonder how they could have been different had they been in each others lives. How we might have been different. Its funny how our lives have reflected each other- even from such a distance. That we are in different careers in the same field. It's ironic that we have spend our lives together but have spend probably less than a 1/2 percent of those years in each others physical company- but you'd never know it.

While I always considered myself the 'wilder' of us, I know that you were always the strong one- the strength in my corner. Now, before I get too 'wind beneath my wings' on you- I hope you know that I have always knows that I have a home in your home. That I have a safe haven from any storm and that no matter what, you will always accept me, my kids, and all my bullshit without question. You've always been my safe call. For that, I'm ever grateful. I hope that I've been the same for you and that you have never felt taken for granted.

I know that if I showed up with my kids and my cat, a bottle of cheap wine, some rotel and a deck of cards- I'd be home.

Many years ago we talked about taking an anniversary trip to celebrate 25 years together. I think we should still do that in a few years. We should bring the kids, rent a house by the water and just celebrate, cook, drink and play cards. I can't wait to see you again, my friend. I know I will soon.

love,
julie

(I'm going to be writing a letter every day for 30 days). Check back every day- or see this post to see the list of who I'm writing letters to. If you want to play along, let me know!!

30 days of letters

I’ve now seen this on both Britni’s blog and They Belong to Us, and Essinem and I’ve chosen to participate in honor of a new month and such. Basically, the gist is that you write a letter a day for 30 days. It’s part self-awareness/reflection, part writing prompt, part free therapy. This might be good for me to have something to write about and also work out some of those there... feelings....

I'm gonna do my best.... Come back and check!!

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush/ Partner(s)

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-partner/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Not afraid... maybe

I'm afraid of heights. Deathly afraid.

I'm thinking of taking Rock Climbing lessons.

Anyone wanna join me??

If you scream into cyberspace and nobody is logged on, does it make a sound?

The problem with being a blogger/ twitterer/ attention whore is that everything is public. The internet is a perfect platform for me to BE an attention whore without having to annoy the people around me. People can CHOSE to tune in to my blog or my twitter stream and watch the magic (ie: the trainwreck). They can do it with interest, disdain or pure voyeristic delight.

I say that it's a problem though, because I feel compelled to do most things in public. Changes in my life, in my relationships, issues with my kids, my family- it's all out there. There are few things I consider off limits. (usually regarding negativity towards people I love but maybe I'm annoyed with at the moment) However when it comes to ME and my ongoings- there are some who know all I divulge, and that is usually a LOT.

Besides all the drama with my husband, my current relationship is going through a moment of upheaval. It's exhausting and sad. So what do I do? I blog about it. I blog about the break up- the stress, the emotions. I twitter my sad state of being and am comforted by the outpour of friendship and support from my 'friends'.

I've been warned about living my life on line. Having relationships in public. It makes it harder when things go wrong- but in some ways it makes me more aware of how I behave. I refuse to slam my loved ones but I also refuse to stay quiet and hurting. Grieving outloud is how I do it. I don't have a local group of girlfriends who meet for lunch and or congregate on my bed for a heartfelt chat over wine. This is NOT Sex and the City.

More like Sex and Social Media.

So I grieve outloud. I reach out for my friends who return my call with virtual hugs, text messages, IM's, DM's and naked pictures (ok, I haven't gotten any naked pictures YET...). I put my heart out there to my world and I'm ever grateful that people are listening.

If I'm not going to break down on line, why break down at all??

Blow me, bitch.

"You're a pain in my ass. Stop being that!"

Ahh thank you Mel. Only rage can deliver such a clear message.

mental days

I'm taking a few days off of work. My original plan was to spend it with 'the boyfriend' who is in town but that hasn't worked out as I'd hoped. However I see that I do need a few days of peace and quiet to get my head together and get caught up on a few things that have slipped thru the cracks.

My Homework: I am currently failing my Operations Class? Why- cause I just can't get my damn homework done and/or turned in on time? Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Apartment: I was on a good run in starting to clean it- but I stopped doing the daily maintenance and hid in my room for several nights. Why? Cause I really just feel overwhelmed and depressed.

My Job: Ok, well it doesn't make sense that I would take time off if I need to get back on track at work, however- if I don't just take a few days to unwind, by myself without the kids screaming in my ears, my husband on the phone and the other relationship issues I'm having- well I think I'm just gonna do shitty work. I really DO care about my job more than that.

My life has gotten away from me again. Somewhere, I lost my basket. I lost sight of what is important to me and fell into the scary trap that says, "I'm not good for anyone or anything so maybe I'll just drink and take these pills and then mope for several days on end." My kids are seeing me fall apart. Alex doesn't even want to BE HERE right now. No- this is not good and I just have to get myself together. Put on my big girl panties and pull it together.

How? I have no idea.

I have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning, and a harder time getting out of the house. Yesterday I called my girlfriend, just sobbing, crying. Mostly because of the boyfriend, but somewhat because I just felt that I couldn't move. My chest felt like it was about to explode and I wanted to scream and kick and cry. I was terrified and I just couldn't make a step. I expected a nervous breakdown to be something really dramatic, like going to bed for days and days until someone shows up and throws you in a shower, clothes on. No- this breakdown is like the end of a slow speed police chase. I knew the cops were after me, but I figured since I was already going, I may as well go until the engine runs out.

My engine has officially run out. I give up.

My life is unmanageable because I simply don't know what to do with myself. My feelings made no sense, I know they are not true. I am NOT stupid, incapable, or unworthy. I am NOT unstable, unlovable OR unfuckable.

I am not disposable.

However, I feel that I am all those things- and these are feelings that seem to burrow deep under the surface of my skin and like a thin splinter, it's just not gonna come out all that easily. I can't stop myself from falling apart, it's already happening and it simply needs to happen. However, I have to set parameters that are within normal limits for my kids to feel secure. Everytime Gabriel sees me cry, he has a set back. The circle is vicious and nobody is gonna stop it if I don't.

So what's next? Well I'll tell you- I'm not sure. It looks a little like soothing my soul with comfort food. Talking out some issues with the boyfriend in hopes for some relationship aftercare. and who knows, maybe some laundry.

cause I'm a cowboy....

I went out for drinks and dinner with a friend of mine. This guy is an old friend from HS that I kissed at graduation but over the years we connected on MySpace, then again on FB, and at the HS reunion. Great guy. Hot guy.

We just drank and at and laughed and threw out all sort of sexual innuendo. It was fun. I needed it. Depression is hitting me hard. The end of my marriage has me feeling a bit more out of sorts than I was expecting- and my current relationship is hitting some uncharted waters. So life feels a bit heavy and my arms are pretty tired lately.

The best part of the night was when my friend decided to get up and sing Karaoke. It was a pretty dead night and the Karaoke DJ was doing his best to try to 'pump up the crowd'. I've been to this restaurant on Karaoke night before. Years before with my SIL and it was a really fun place. The DJ now is kind of 'wedding singer' cheesy- I miss the days when the sexy girl with the Russian name sang for us.

So my friend gets up there to sing some Bon Jovi and I gotta tell ya, he's singing like a rock star- until the chorus comes up. And he goes into it- with gusto and conviction. but wait, whats that... I see it- just to the right. The DJ- he's stepping up- he's raising the mic... oh nooo... don't do it...

"waaaaanted...."

he did it.

OMG- he's standing in as Richie Sambora!!! He's singing backup Karaoke!! I almost pee'd. Partially because of the hilarity, but because the look on my friends face. It was as if someone came up and pinched his ass as they walked by. It was a BonJovi WIN.

So DJ Sambora continued the sing backup with my friend while I eyeballed him like a slutty groupy. It ruled.

Great night.

a thousand peices

I got an email tonight from one of my husbands old flames. I knew some of the story about them- his version which I'm pretty sure is skewed beyond recognition of the truth. Without giving too much away- there were a few things said that absolutely shook me to my very core...

He's the main reason I left the state...

...loving him was going to kill me...

...disbelief that he did this, again and this time it is so much worse...

...care about someone and have it just eat at you till it rots you to the core...

Part of me just wants to scream. Why? Why tell me this? Why now? Hello wound, have some salt!! But I know this person meant no malice. None at all.

So here I am. Overwrought with guilt over the decision I made to put him out. Thinking back on 10, 11, 13 years of this- for what? It was all a lie. I thought it was when I got pregnant with my youngest that really sent him over the edge. He was a drinker before- and a bad one- but he was getting better. Define "better" -I know. But when you are on the edge, better is better. Drunk 2 nights a week is better than 3 and much better than 7- right? So yes it was better for about 9 months. When I got pregnant with Danny- he sunk. I remember him sitting down in the middle of the living room like his legs had been taken out from under him when I told him I was pregnant. Things were never the same, and I carried with me a torch of guilt about that. I got pregnant and it pushed him over the edge. It only got worse, and while there were moments of 'less bad' it never got 'good'- or even 'better'. Moments of clarity, patience and better than average parenting skills of a sometimes functional addict still don't make it better.

I took on so much guilt. When he went of 'the deep end' before Danny was born, I even considered adoption for him. Thinking I could not take care of a new baby on my own- and well, I was quite suicidal anyway. I have lived with a lot of guilt for 'pushing more on him than he could handle'. I wanted what I wanted- I refused an abortion even though I considered it.

I have spent the last 10 plus years trying to figure out how I could do it all. How I could make it better. One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was that there was no amount of caring, enabling, or screaming I could do to make him get better. I couldn't even make him WANT to get better. There was no amount of love I could give him to make him better. I knew this.

Didn't I?

The truth is- I didn't. I said I did. I knew it- but yet I thought that if I helped this one last time. If I was indifferent. If I was loving. If we had dates. If we had a good holiday. If we had more money. If I gave him what he wanted. If if if. I thought I could love him enough. I thought I could help him and that my love and our family, and the children were enough to make him WANT to take the help. It was enough to make him WANT to get better. All he really needed was the DESIRE to get better. The desire strong enough to try. He never wanted it, he never tried.

I have no idea if he is trying now. I fear that he isn't.

Now, I have this letter. This letter could not have come at a worse or a better time really. This letter tells me that my life was a lie. That my marriage was dishonest from the beginning. That his drinking problem did not PROGRESS- it was ALWAYS bad. He just hid it- and made it look like it was 'getting bad'. Looking back, what I see as 'the start' of it- was just when I started paying attention. The spiral was a good excuse to blame me for it all. I never stood a chance.

Never. He was long gone before I showed up.

What a spectacular lie. What an amazing waste of 13 years of my life. I have been fighting a losing battle. I have told so many lies. So many secrets. I have held on to so much shame. So much resentment. So much self-doubt, guilt, blame.

I thought he was my soul mate. I thought he was the other half of my heart. I was wrong. I was so wrong, because how can you love someone who isn't real? You can't truly love someone who you don't even know. I realize now, that while I knew things about him- I never knew him. This saddens me- because well, he knows me. Of course he does, how else would he have manipulated me for so long?

I am very much like the sender of this letter only decades later. Every day I think about leaving the state. Moving far away from him. I think about hiding. I think about dying. I think that I have to escape because I find myself in this trap. It's MY addiction- and while I'm much better at staying away from it, well... for example, alcoholics are told to "walk in dry places." Anywhere that he isn't- is my 'dry place', and I am not sure that this city, county, state or this side of the coast is big enough for the two of us. If I leave where he can't get to me- I'll be free. It may be the only way.

As I come to the end of this post, I must say that this changes nothing. My decision to leave has been sealed. I have moved on. There is no hope for this relationship, but I have to admit that it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces to know that it never stood a chance.

the right thing

I don't know what I want to do with this blog anymore. I don't want to blog about my husband, soon to be ex husband because I think it bores the fuck out of people. However, since I'm still here...

Last week or so, I decided it was simply time. It was over and done and the last straw had been... um... 'strawed'. I gave him a few days to get his stuff together and get out. I was so angry - mostly because I didn't want it to end THIS way.

I don't know if it's been a week or two weeks since then. Maybe two weeks. Anyway- so fast forward to last Friday and I offered to drive him to rehab. The day before, he went to a facility and DURING the intake process his blood sugar dropped to dangerous levels, they had to call 911 and he was sent to the ER, and then was told he could not go to that rehab. It was a state run facility and while they may take patients with health problems, they needed someone a bit more stable. This facility was a pain in the ass though, from the beginning. I decided to just use my insurance and find him a facility that had a few more resources. I allowed him to stay one night and on Friday he found a new place that took our insurance. Ok fine. So I took the morning off and drove him around lunch time, about 60 miles to Riverside to a nice looking place that was acceptable far enough away.

So I'm waiting in the kitchen area when he comes out- and he's white and sweating and headed for the vending machine. His blood sugar is dropping... again. Ok, now my husband doesn't have LOW blood sugar problems, he has HIGH blood sugar problems. The only time his blood sugar ever gets low is when he takes too much insulin... so yeah. great. He ate a BUNCH of candy, which I knew would be a problem later. Then went back into the office. More waiting.

Then I get called into the office.

Your husbands blood sugar is very low. We had to call 911.
again.

Great.

So the rehab facility tells me that they referred him to a different detox facility that CAN help him with his blood sugar but he needs to be stable before they take him in. So the ER needed to stablize him and then he could go into that other place. So off to the ER where I explained to the doctor what the situation was. He hadn't explained to the doctor what the situation was. This didn't shock me, which was why I insisted on going back there. When the doctor asked him, "so you need a letter clearing you for detox?" He agreed and played along, but I know now that he was doing his best to either get a last dose of meds, or had it in him to use whatever means possible to screw this up.

7 hours later and his blood sugar had spiked up (thanks to all the candybars)- and then it finally came back down and the doctor said he would clear him and we could be on our way. His response to that was instant anger. He got up and pulled out his IV's etc. He walked off the unit and then came back when the nurse followed him. He was in a rage and wouldn't even wait until we GOT the discharge paperwork to leave. The doctor was confused and when Mike walked off the unit, I explained to him and the nurse what I suspected was going on. Now he HAS to go to rehab. His efforts to sabotage failed, and now he's pissed.

The nurse had me go out front and she agreed to come out with the discharge paperwork. Security also followed, making sure that I would be ok. He offered to drive us to the rehab center. Can you imagine? The hospital security, btw, was the Moreno Valley Police Department. So yeah, that would have been all kinds of awesome- but no, I'm ok.

So it was 11PM now, and we drove to the facility. and waited and waited and waited until he was taken in. We barely spoke until it was time to leave.

At 12:45AM, I finally went home leaving him behind.

Those were the details of the day. The emotional nightmare can barely be touched. It was a bad day. I had nothing but guilt because I was forcing him to do this. I had no idea if he wanted to get sober, he said he did- but he had no other choice at this point. I was putting him out- I was leaving him homeless. This was his only hope, and I was helping him get there- and his negativity about it made me want to put his bags on the side of the freeway and him with them. Even in these last moments together I felt so angry that here I was trying to help him and he was still resisting. Even in the end, he would never accept what I was trying to do. He would never truly appreciate it.

I know I made the right choice... I know because it felt like hell and doing the right thing never feels as good as it ought to.

beyond the tigers

Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I'm reminded of this today.

I stopped praying when Christine died. I stopped talking and listening to the God I learned to believe in, and I have not yet gone back. I know it's a large source of what unsettles me on a daily basis. I know it's not what she would have wanted. I'm approaching the one year anniversary of her death and in some ways all I want to do is pray.

The serenity prayer has always brought me back to center in the past. It has always helped get my mindset out of that cluttered space where my life is not manageable. I can apply the serenity prayer to so many situations in my life- in some ways it almost feels like a "get out of jail free" card, if I want to play it like that.

Often time we are weighed down by mistakes we've made. Balls we've dropped and people we've hurt. This morning Mike drove me to work and one of his old favorite songs came on the radio. I listened to him, as I've done a thousand times, sing along to the words. I found myself thinking, "he still knows the words to this song." I guess I just assume that he has forgotten, as he has forgotten so many other 'favorite things'. I noticed he wasn't singing aloud, but more whispering as I could only hear the "s" sounds of the lyrics. His life has become such that I suspect that he doesn't even bother learning the words to songs anymore. He finds joy in nothing. He is weighed down, every day, by his mistakes. He lets them define him. He lets them hold him back.

I am just as guilty. I'm approaching 11 years of marriage to a man that I failed to help, in all of my attempts to save him. I tried to help a drowning man by giving him a glass of water. From the first Al-Anon meeting I stepped into, 11 years ago- I refused to admit that I could not alter his course. I refused to give up the hope that I could help him, save him, rescue him. I could not change this situation. I did not have the courage to walk away. I know that now. Today I reach for my serenity by knowing that I can't change where we are now, even as I take responsibility for my part in it. I have to forgive myself for that mistake. I carry around 11 years of baggage. In it contains bottles that I threw away so we didn't have to talk about it. Money that I pretended not to be missing. Lies that I pretend I didn't tell. Cover up stories to all of my friends and family. I carry it all with me, and it's heavy.

I can't change it. I can't change the 11 years of mistakes I made. I can't alter his course. I can't save his life. Accept the things I cannot change. I can't change this. It's done. I need to wrap it in a blanket, put it in a boat and let it go. I'm not perfect. I tried, I swear I tried. I failed at a task I could never succeed at. My marriage was my Everest, and it's not a mountain I want to die on.

It takes courage to move on from my mistakes. People tell me how strong and brave I am, but I always remind them not to confuse bravery with the lack of courage to walk away from it. Am I facing the tigers, or just too afraid to turn and run out of fear they will get me in the back? The brave ones are the ones who get out alive. Not the ones who stand and wait to be eaten. I still struggle knowing the difference between what I cannot change, and having the courage to change what I can.

But Serenity, it calls to me like a sweet song. I know it's out there.

cluttered

June 11, 2010
No Hard Edges
Creating Space In The Body

When our minds are cluttered with too many thoughts and information, our bodies respond by trying to take action.

Our minds and bodies are interconnected, and the condition of one affects the condition of the other. This is why meditation is such a powerful tool for healing the body, as powerful as physical therapies. When our minds are cluttered with thoughts, information, and plans, our bodies respond by trying to take action. When the body has a clear directive from the mind, it knows what to do, but a cluttered, unfocused mind creates a confused, tense body. Our muscles tighten up, our breath shortens, and we find ourselves feeling constricted without necessarily knowing why.

When we sit down to meditate, we let our bodies know that it is okay to be still and rest. This is a clear directive from the mind, and the body knows exactly how to respond. Thus, at the very beginning, we have created a sense of clarity for the body and the mind. As we move deeper into meditation, the state of our mind reveals itself, and we have the opportunity to consciously decide to settle it. A meditation teacher pointed out that if you put a cow in a small pen, she acts up and pushes against the boundaries, whereas if you provide her with a large, open space, she will peacefully graze in one spot. In the same way, our thoughts settle down peacefully if we provide them with enough space, and our bodies follow suit.

When we settle down to examine and experience our consciousness, we discover that there are no hard, definable edges. It is a vast, open space in which our thoughts can come and go without making waves, as long as we let them by neither attaching to them nor repressing them. As we see our thoughts come and go, we begin to breathe deeper and more easily, finding that our body is more open to the breath as it relaxes along with the mind. In this way, the space we recognize through meditation creates space in our bodies, allowing for a feeling of lightness and rightness with the world.

----

I don't meditate - but I know that I often think of my life in hard edges, while I operate in curves. Which is why I'm always cutting myself on the angles. -j

know your audience

I don't futz very often. I tend to not fixate on things that don't matter as long as the end result is the same. Mike likes to change the furniture around. What about this? What if I put this there? Maybe I should move that here, what do you think Julie? Is that ok? Is that fine, here- there, and this will go here and we can move that......

ok really, dude? I couldn't fucking care less. I want two things. I want the couch in a place where I can sit down and watch TV. Other than that, I don't care if you put a damn jungle gym in here as long as I can see the television from the couch.

And when I say I don't care, I don't mean I DON'T care. I mean, do whatever you want as long as it's not what I DON'T want.

Know who you're married to.

Act accordingly.

Good luck to the next guy. ;)

Mike is going to the store.

He asks: Can you make some coffee while I'm gone?

I say: Sure. (not really getting up off the couch)

He says: Julie, every time I ask you that, when I come home- you have never made the coffee and I have to make it

I say: Then WHY do you ask me??? Haven't you learned yet? We've been married 10 years!!

what's wrong when nothings wrong

My recommitment to my diet still hasn't stuck. I do ok during the day, but at night I just blow it out of the water. I need planning. I need to track my eating. I need focus. Not just with my diet, but with school too.

I find that hard to come by right now. Maybe it's the change in the weather, or the fact that school is almost out and I, like the kids, want to relax by jumping in the pool and laying in the sun. I spent a week off of my meds, and putting them back into my system is also sort of a mental transition too.

I often try to wean myself off my meds. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for a month. With my blood pressure problems, I am a little more sensitive about it. The last thing I need is for my stress and anxiety to skyrocket my blood pressure. I don't want to have a stroke because I didn't want to cheer up.

Sometimes depression confuses me. When I don't have anything to BE depressed about, it's strange to have those days when I feel like I can't get out of bed. Everything feels wrong when I know that nothing is wrong. The things that don't bother me, bother me. The things that are nothing, become something even if I know they are nothing. All of this triggers anxiety. This feeling of hopelessness, like everything feels out of control. I feel like the world is spinning and I feel trapped, even when I am standing perfectly still and there's nobody around. It doesn't make any sense, and it stresses me out when I try to force it to.

So when there's no answers- no reason- no fault. Nothing but this feeling I can't shake- all I want to do is hide from it.

Yes, the pills help. It's not about numbing me from what IS wrong. They help me from feeling that there is something wrong when nothings wrong. Maybe that doesn't make sense- but if it did, maybe you'd need antidepressants too.

New beginnings- I hope.

I have become a really crappy blogger. I can't even try to make excuses. I just committed a whole $10 to renewing this domain, so I guess I had better do something with it huh? I could have spent that $10 you know... lunch.

My weight loss efforts are going slow. Mostly because my EFFORTS are slow. I try- but you know, not as hard as I could. In 9 weeks, I've lost about 5.5 pounds which is great until I compare it to the girls who have lost like 17 pounds. I know what the difference is though- they are more committed. I'm doing it so-so. So I keep telling myself I'm going to recommit myself, starting today.

Ok- well today was but- but you know TODAY.

what? oh well that was unexpected. but TODAY- really today.

When the fuck IS today anyway?

This morning Mike and I had an interesting conversation about the new guy in my life. The conversation was not exactly interesting, but it is always interesting to me when I hear my husband say the name of my boyfriend. (It's also weird for me use those words in the same sentence.) I admit that it's comforting that he is not freaking out- because well, I know I would. In some ways, it comforts me to know that he does love me enough to want me to be happy. We really are just living in the same house now. Not in a seething uncomfortable way- but in a 'Hey Julie, do you think I'm still attractive enough to get a younger girl?' kind of way. Oddly, I asked him the same question.

It's nice to know that we haven't ripped each other to such shreds so that there is no evidence of civility.

As failed marriages go- maybe the fact that we can still be civil makes this a lesser degree of losing. Nobody wins.

So hopefully since I plan to sort of live 'outloud', you will all join me.

I'm Julie- I'm getting divorced. I have a new guy. A new girl (more on that later). Three sons, a daughter, a cat and a mini-van.

I am the perfect picture of the kinky neighbor next door. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

why not?

We always hurt the ones you love.

Why is that?

Why can't we simply LOVE the ones we love and try really really hard to NOT make them feel alone or abandoned or worthless?

Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?

I found out yesterday that through some very cool changes in my Masters program, I will be graduating in January, A few months before schedule. This is very happy news. I was getting ready to just quit. Really. I'm exhausted with school. Ive been in college with no longer than an 8 week break since 1995.

"Mom- I thought college only took 4 years?"

No comment, made to the child born in 1994.

So in discussing this with C, (in a minute) I said, "Yeah really need to start looking for a new job."

His response was, "Well I was more thinking along the lines of- wow now you're going to have to pay all your loans back."

It's a double edge. Being done with school means I will no longer have that flow of extra income known as Student Loans. I can defer for 6 months after graduation, but then I have to have a job actually MAKING enough to cover the money I used in loans, and make a sizeable monthly payment. It's been worth it. Without it I simply would not have survived all these years. I have graduate level education before age 40. Seriously something that, when I was 23- I NEVER EVER would have dreamed of.

So my next step is obvious. Get a better job, make more money.

This year is all about transition and change. It's all about doing things differently. There's a lot about me that the readers of only this blog and not the others don't know (especially because I have truly sucked as a blogger this year). However, things are different in my life and with me finally finishing school and getting divorced- who knows what kind of changes are in store for me?

You can't see the GOOD half- HNT

It's been a while so I figured I'd do it.

You can't see the nekkid half, you will have to trust me.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm sorry for whatever it was I am not sure I did....

I need to drink more water. I mean- I keep buying bottled water- and not drinking it. I carry around a full water bottle at all times, and don't open it. Can I lose weight without drinking water?? I don't think so. Am I sabotaging my own efforts?

Today is not a great day, this weekend has not been great. I feel like there's just destruction all around me and that somehow I'm to blame for everything that is wrong with everyone around me. You know how friends will say something like, "Oh my GOD I hate when people ?? Well I immediately race my mind to think if I have done and if I am the 'people' they are complaining about. I rarely am.

Lately, I am just ready to apologize for it. Whatever it is, I'm sure I did it.

This weekend I told Mike the news he really didn't want confirmed, and I know that he knew. He isn't stupid. I have filed for divorce, I really think it's ok for me to move on.

That's the think about life. It fucking goes on.

If I could find a way to stop it, I would have by now.

Sorry for the emo post. At least it's a post, right?

the uphill climb

I was going through my old Yahoo emails and found some old "anonymous" comments from my friend Christine on my old blog. I moved from that blog to this new one because I needed to make a break from that old 'I'm the wife of an alcoholic' thing. Anyway, I went through a lot of these comments, knowing exactly which ones were from her and remembering all the time she listened to me go over and over "what was wrong with me today."

Over the weekend, something happened that she would have gotten a kick out of and I picked up the phone to call her. I wonder when my brain will REALLY register that I won't ever hear her voice again.

Another thing I did, was click into the old blog and randomly read some things. Michael Michael Michael. bitch bitch bitch. I am grateful to the people who have been reading my blog- because damn I was a mess. Fastforward to now- and well, I still do a lot of bitching. I just think I'm less of a mess- or maybe I'm a DIFFERENT mess.

A pretty mess.

A hot mess.

A pretty hot mess.

Yeah, I like that.

I was also reading those days and how much peace I tried to have then. How I tried so hard to just get through every day without slitting my wrists or hitting my husband over the head with something really heavy. I'm different now. Somewhere along the lines I realized that it wasn't a mountain I wanted to die on.

It wasn't worth the climb, because you never GET to the top of the mountain when you are dealing with active addiction. You just keep climbing. Just keep struggling.

And you

can't

ever

stop.

Well I've stopped. My feet are planted and I'm just waiting for the tram to take me to safety. I should not have to want to die to get out of a marriage.

Weight Watchers, Take 3

I've been on WW before, and I the first time I did well. The second time, not so well.

So a few weeks ago when I got the email that Weight Watchers at work was coming back, I decided to give it another try.

Here's a few things about me and weight loss. I HATE to Exercise. I also LOVE to eat. Neither of these things are conducive with NOT having a big ass. However, I also don't like that I have to take blood pressure medications and my cholesterol is a tad high. Also, well, I'm getting tired of being fat. It's not ok. It's not cute. It's not fashionable. No, it's not BAD- it's not SHAMEFUL and it doesn't mean that I don't care about myself. I admit that I'm lazy and that's the only reason I don't do it.

I don't have the time to focus on healthy cooking. I don't cook. I tend to grab whats 'grab-able' and eat that. Often times, it's almost 10PM and what's close is a bowl of cereal. Many nights a week, my dinner consists of Reese's Puffs Cereal or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Chances are I'm not eating enough, and I'm eating junk.

I chose Weight Watchers because it's pretty easy. Also, I can still eat frozen dinners, either the Weird Watchers or the Lean Cuisine meal. This is what works for me. Grabbing something portion and calorie controlled and throwing it in the microwave. Twice a day? Sure! It's easy and takes very little thought. Remember, I don't have time to cook. So this is easy for me. I HAVE to go with what works- and what is logical for my life.

So here it is, day 6 and I haven't a clue if the scale will show anything next week. I have seen my eating habits, I don't eat enough during the day and I my food choices at night are not great. Also, I need to drink water, More More MORE water.

Weigh in is Tuesday. I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed not pregnant. And I'm just about 6 pounds shy of what I weighted when I WAS. That is frightening.

So wish me luck and hey, I have something to blog about. My big fat butt!

digging my way out

I'm not sure why I don't write here as much anymore. My life just seems to be in such a weird state of transition. I feel like none of my thoughts stick for more than 30 minutes or so.

My marriage is over. This is clear in every way. Now, it's just him still living in my house- we co-parent and sit down and have dinner together a few nights a week. We alternate nights on the couch and play relief pitcher when the kids are sick. He is, as always, dragging his feet on getting things together to move out. Dealing with some court issues is the biggest obstacle and he has yet to handle that.

I worry, not that he won't leave on his own accord, because chances are that he won't. That I am going to need to allow things to get ugly between us. He is aware that there is 'someone new' although we don't discuss any details and he pretends not to notice me leaving taking 23 minutes to get the mail with my phone.

"I'm not stupid Julie. I know. I just... it doesn't matter."

"I know Michael. I never said you were stupid."

"Well, I'm not. I know."

"OK- well then we don't have to talk about it."

This is how it came to light. He can ignore it all he wants, but he knows there is something/ someone/ somewhere. We agreed before that I would wait until he was out of the house- but that was two years ago- when he agreed to leave and never did.

We had also agreed that I would only file a legal separation so he could stay on my insurance for two years. Again. That was two years ago.

So regardless of his location, I'm moving on with my life. I've no other choice. I am not leaving him out on the streets. He's still cared for. His health requires that he has specific daily needs that someone else must provide for him. He can't do it alone and there really isn't anyone else who can do it. I don't know. He needs to get things handled though because I can't do it forever, and won't do it for much longer. I have an end point now. The divorce is in motion, barring all other complications, it will be over by the end of August. The lease will be up here- and if I have to, I'll move.

This, boys and girls, is why enabling is bad. Why co-dependency is just as awful a disease as addiction to drugs or alcohol. For some of us, it never ends until things get desperate. Until the bottom has been hit.

Welcome to the bottom. Pull up a chair.

No triple talaq

The triple talaq is a mechanism for divorce which exists in some forms of Islam. It simply consists of the husband saying the phrase I divorce you (Arabic:talaq) to the wife, three times.

Wouldn't that be nice huh??

Well that isn't how they do it here in California. In California when you want to get a divorce you have to gather some papers and go visit a local courthouse, find the right building, which never happens on the first try and then go wait in line. When you get to the window, you find out that you're missing something.

So you go home, or back to work- and get the form you are missing- then go back later that day. There will be about 10 people in line, and someone will have a crying baby. It's not a huge deal, babies cry. Luckily the baby will be cute- so that helps and you feel sorry for the baby. So then you will text your friends about how excited you are- and some chatter about the baby- because you know... by then you just wanna help the mom out and hold and snorgle that cute baby....

So when you get to the front of the line. The excitement overwhelms you and you go up to the clerk and exclaim with great joy, "I'm filing for divorce!"

She looks through you papers as you hold your breath. You make small talk, ask her, "so how was YOU'RE day dear?" You are nice, friendly, sympathetic. Anything for a smile. You worry because she doesn't smile right away- realizing that this woman who is probably underpaid to deal with litigious people all day is what stands between you and your freedom.

Finally a smile, and you actually HEAR the heavens open up. Yes, you hear them.

You will make a joke about how you should be more sad than this- but you can't help yourself. She laughs. And reaches for it. That magical apparatus that you've waited for since the day you realized you deserve more than this marriage had to offer. The stamped. FILED. Then the other stamper with a CASE NUMBER.

Holy shit, you're getting a divorce.

So it's not as easy as saying.

"I divorce you

I divorce you

I divorce you..."

But then again, it's not SO bad...

Everything, anything, something.

This past week, things in my life have gotten pretty ugly. The divorce is SO on, and I sense that he might try to argue with me about things like custody and alimony. I don't think I should have to pay alimony- I know that he DID stay home and care for the kids while I went to school, but I never stopped him from working. I would have RATHER he worked. My idea was that if he was going to be at home anyway- he can watch the kids.

I bought a book last week on filing your own divorce- forms and regulations and a disc that puts it together for you. Last night in his bag I saw a book. The Everything Divorce Book.

Ok, I admit that I did laugh a little bit, because the Everything Series covers Autism to Wicca and Witchcraft. Not to say that there isn't important information- I'm sure there is. I am curious where he got it and if he somehow thinks he's now equipped with the Everything book to come up against cold hard facts.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I want my freedom. I don't HAVE to fight for custody of my kids, or the right to stay in my apartment. I don't want any money from him. He doesn't even have to say, "I'm sorry."

Unfortunately life has gotten desperate and I'm drowning, and now I just need to get away at any cost. Like when you have to let go of a drowning victim who is hysterical before they drown you too. (or some analogy that is close to that) I need to go- and fast because the water is up over my head and I've been holding my breath and treading water for longer than my lungs and legs can hold out.

He's not a BAD guy. He's not evil. At one point, not too long ago I said with the utmost certainty that he was the love of my life. I may always somehow feel that way. However I'm starting to think that there is word missing from that phrase. "best" or "greatest" or any word that describes that this love is in any way a GOOD thing. I have been in love before and will be in love again and again. I loved him so much that I'm killing us both. That is not what I'd c0nsider the greatest love of my life. But definitely a significant one.

I need an Everything Book. The Everything Getting your Shit Together Book. It would have chapters like "Dishes- you can do it." "Laundry is not for Wussies" and "Not everything is 15 minutes away" and "Yes, You too can balance a checking account."

Where is THAT Everything Book?

words

Sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a writer. My words are not eloquent. My thoughts are not deep. My experiences not unique.

I am nothing special. I will never write a great novel about overcoming adversity or reaching the impossible dream. Chances are, I will never put an erotica submission together for one of Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthologies. I read other peoples words and I wonder- why was I not gifted with such beautiful language?

My dear friend @Mollena just twittered this:

Jasmine trees are blooming & even in this evening's chill they are so beautiful to smell & elicit memories complex as cartographs of my heart.

In 140 characters she has made me wonder, "what memory is this? Why is it complex? What is it about?" Cartographs? My simple brain would have said "map" even thought I know that just the word brings up a different feel. Words like blooming, chill, elicit, cartographs. A good vocabulary separates the simple from the truly beautiful.

Maybe someday I will get there, but until then- I will simply envy those that do.

Everything you need for a fresh start

Life has been pretty hectic lately. With the usual busy work and school I have some added fun things. This Saturday is our annual Women's Heart and Stroke Event that I do much to coordinate. My father is having surgery next week, which will require me to find alternative day care/ rides for all three of my kids who start school at the same time, in two different locations- but end school at different times. Also, Mike is not here. He's off getting.... better. Or something. I'm not sure what he's getting, but he's getting on my fucking nerves.

Detox is hard, and detoxing off of meds that you take for pain? Well, you watch House, you know... Anyway- he's in pain and miserable and dead set on making my life miserable, since on top of being in pain- he's also an addict. So detox is hard and I'm MORE than happy to give him space, space and more space to go thru that- and when he comes out on the otherside of detox and starts TREATMENT- I plan to be right there, ready and waiting.

with divorce papers.

So today I went out and bought a book.

I know right? But I need to start somewhere. I can't get a lawyer, I really don't think I need one. We have no assets, nothing other than this apartment is in "our" names. We practically agree on everything in regards to who gets what. My stance is "take what you want if you have someplace to put it." I really don't care. A couch, a bed, a dresser. Fucking take it. It means nothing. I just want to walk out with my life, and my kids, I don't see that it's going to be a problem, except for the drama.

He said to me today, "Well the girls in the house feel that it's pointless for me to even talk to you about working things out."

"What?" I asked, "When did we start talking about working things out? I thought we both agreed we want this?"

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them because he said. "Oh well it's what YOU want- so it's what I want."

Oh good lord. So you're doing me a FAVOR? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't have to agree to the divorce, you know, genius? But ok. tell me- what do these "girls" say? These girls- who know nothing but what you've told them. These girls who have not had to deal with your ass for 10 years, bgut just under 10 DAYS. sure.

No- actually- don't tell me.

"Yes, it is what I want," I finally said.

"And I'll give it to you."

Oh- you'll GIVE IT to me. Gee THANKS!! I didn't tell him that I'd already bought the book- that would seem cruel. Sure, you want to think you are doing me a favor. The pied piper of marital dissolution wishes? Whatever.

And of course, I have some weird feelings about it. But they are just feelings- they don't mean anything. The weird feelings I have about divorce are about as insignificant as my feelings about love and trust and honesty in this marriage. It'd be nice f we could get a handle on it- but there's no need to have expectations, rights?

Bad Romance

Yes I've been in one. For a long time. Part of the reason I don't write here much anymore is because I'm just plain out of things to say. I'm out of things to complain about and out of being witty, clever or sarcastic about my marriage.

I'm over it, and there's not much else to tell.

My husband is gone to a place where in 30 days he'll be on a better road to his recovery, but my only hope is that he will be on a road to anywhere but my apartment. I can't do it anymore- and I can't seem to find any good and justifiable reason why I should want to.

The fact that he takes decent care of the kids is not a good reason. He's supposed to take care of the kids. You don't get special points for showing up. Not even HE gets special points for that. And sure he does help me. When I'm sick, he brings me medicine. He sometimes carries me to my room and changes my clothes before he goes to sleep on the couch. He makes a damn good sandwich, and I almost always have coffee ready when I get up in the morning. Well, if I fall asleep on the couch now, I can stay there. I'm perfectly fine with a sandwich that tastes good- but isn't "damn good."

And I bought myself a coffee maker with an automatic timer.

It's a start.

Ok- ummm

Not safe for work, unless it's ok to watch an animal sucking his own giant cock.

Seriously dude, stop recording. You know how you can't jerk off when your cat is watching? Same concept. But your dick is not as big. I think really the most interesting thing here is just how big the wang on that walrus is.

Oh right, and the idea that walrus' don't have sex for pleasure.

But you know, this isn't sex. So it's all good. And really if you could do it... wouldn't you?

Maybe I will blog more now.

I'm blogging from my new iTouch. I rule.