Back to life.

I am ready to get back to class.
Ready for the kids to go back to school.
Ready to stop being suck a damn veg.

And I am going back on my meds.
Yes- I started back today- and I will make a very concentrated effort to do this every day. Nobody likes me crazy, and really it would be bad- it would be more than bad, it would be fucked in the ass without lube or warning, bad- if I got really sick or debilitated by some sort of Hypertensive Emergency.

So being better on my meds is something I need to do mo betta this year.

I DO have a few things on my horizon.  

*Tess is coming to LA in a few weeks.  YAH!!

*I promised Mike that we'd go to Vegas on a little trip. Since I'm SURE he's probably get sick, it's a good thing that I've got some friends out (Andy, GolfWidow, and Shi) there that I can visit.

*More trips to New York.  I know of one, and if I get to be in the Calendar next year, then maybe two more.

*Oh, and Britney Spears in February  Yeah, I said it- you got a fucken problem?  I love Britney.  Besides, I have a soft spot for women who go crazy after not marrying well and then having two sons in a row by said husband who she will now spend many years financially supporting.

wait. what?

Happy Birthday Alex

Today is my oldest sons 14th birthday! This really seems insane to me. How can I be old enough to have a 14 year old son. Someone said that to me yesterday- 'you don't look old enough to have a 14 year old son.'

i know, right?

I'm totally not gonna go over the story of when he was born, I've done it before- in quite emotional terms. I'm over it- now I'm just gonna say he was a pain in my ass from the start.

Teenagers kinda suck, don't they??

I mean- like in the truest sense, major suckage. It's a constant battle to get him to do anything. It makes me insane. In general, he's not a BAD kid, he doesn't have outbursts or get into too much trouble- but he's just... well, he's his dad.

Yea, I divorced his dad.

In all seriousness, I guess I could have bigger problems with him. The girls are coming around, but really they just text or instant message all day. I have peeked at some of his chats- he's oblivious to the fact that they are trying to flirt with him. Of course, these girls have no game either. Example:

Girl: Ok so ask me whatever you want and I'll answer you.
Alex: Ok... what's your favorite movie of all time.

ohh good GOD!!!!

Happy Birthday Alex- lets hope you get some game this year!!

and my sinuses are clear!!

I woke up with a really bad lower back ache today.  I am not sure if it's because all the driving I did this weekend, or because I fell asleep on the couch watching House last night.  Either way, I woke up this morning with really bad lower back pain and the inability to walk without a mild limp.  By the time I walked from the parking structure to my office, it was hurting my legs.  

Apply heat.

My boss showed up, limping.   A month ago she ran a marathon and pulled something in her knee.  Last week, that same knee gave out- causing her to fall off a curb and today she had an xray and realized that she broke her ankle, in two places.

So today- as she and I- both short heavy set girls, with curly brown hair and dark skin were walking to lunch, limping... we got lots of comments- the most common ( used twice)

"Were you two in the same car accident?"

It was quite funny.

I went to the pharmacy to buy these:

They work well- except they are activated by air- so if you are sitting in a chair and leaning back- they don't stay as hot.  So it's not like I can lay on my back and have the heat really work.  The pharmacist suggested this.

Yeah, I'm so hot.

So all day, I wreak of 'old lady' -  but it does feel a little better.  

Christmas regrets

We spent Christmas Eve with Michael family.  It was probably the second or third time I've ever NOT seen my siblings for Christmas.  After the first time, I decided I never wanted to do it again, but I have- even though I never want to.  

Even though this year has held a lot of strain between the siblings, we were not raised in a family to hold grudges- at least not for long.  I never understood my first husbands family, who would cut each other other out for months, sometimes YEARS at a time.  For a while, my sister and I didn't talk much, but it wasn't as if I REFUSED to talk to her or see her.  We just didn't have anything to say for a while... and then later, we did.  

Regardless, holidays just don't feel right without my family.

When mom stopped celebrating, it took something away- and my siblings and the rest of my family was all I had.  So without my siblings, it never feels right.  It doesn't feel like Christmas, and now that it's over- I guess it feels a bit anti-climactic.  

There was no reason for spending Xmas without my family, it just worked out that way with driving and where we would spend the time.  It's hard for the kids to have two WHOLE days of Christmas, with two families and stuff so I was thinking much of my own sanity too.

next year...  

Holiday Meme

1. Hot Chocolate or Egg Nog?
Oh, Hot Chocolate. I don't like Egg Nog.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa wraps presents, and all the presents from Santa are in different paper than the others, and all the same.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Tree gets multicolored lights. Althought last year, all the lights on the tree were green. It was a mistake, but it looked nice anyway.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? If I have it, I might.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Either the first or second weekend after Thanksgiving. I have a fake tree, so it's easy.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? My aunts fudge, or the corn casserole.

7. Favorite Holiday memory? My favorite Holiday memories are with my family. My brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles... and my mom.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I NEVER believed in Santa. Ever. We were Jehovah's Witness'. But I wasn't allowed to tell people either.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Family presents are exchanged Christmas Eve. Santa presents are opened Christmas morning.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I do the lights. I always do the lights. And then I sit and prepare the ornaments for the kids to put on the tree. We listen to Christmas music and take pictures and sing.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Never seen it.

12. Can you ice skate? No

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
At the moment, I can't think of anything. That's kinda sad... give me time, I'll remember.

14. What’s the most important thing?
The most important thing about the Holidays? Remembering that its about spending time with the ones you love, and not the gifts. I always feel guilty if I cannot afford to buy presents for everyone I love- but I hope they all know how much I love them.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My aunts fudge. My mom's magic bars (that my sister makes now).

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I don't really have any traditions. I should start some.

17. What tops your tree?
It's a star.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
I like giving them- but I always stress about what I give. I'm always afraid it's not enough. Receiving makes me kind of uncomfortable sometimes.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Rockin around the Christmas Tree from Brenda Lee or
All I want for Christmas is You from Mariah Carey

20. Candy canes, Yuck or Yum?
I like em.
Since I'm a day late- I won't tag anyone- but I hope you all had a happy christmas.

My Wishes

So I'm wishing things to people who generally do not participate in the Halk Nekkid Thursday thing, but who have been readers and friends for a long time and I love them, even if I don't say it often enough. And I'm putting this out for more than just three people too. Deal with it. It's my blog.

To Andy: A bitchen gig that will boost his career so he can be the best goddamn comedian who also happens to juggle. You plate spinning psycho- I know you dig my rack.

To GolfWidow: Well hell... whatever you want girl. A best selling book. A real live penguin. ummm, lots of tax free cash?? yeah, that stuff. I wish it all for you. Oh, and a Rabbit- cause every girl needs one.

To D-man: The fastest internet access on the planet, whatever that is. I think you've finally upgraded, but damn dude, you had dial up longer than anyone on the planet. I mean, I know you're in Aukland, but it's not a third world country for fucks sake!! Oh, and a motorcycle- so you can still 'ride' to work, but have less injuries and look kinda cool too. Chicks dig the bad boys.

To The Punk Guy: I totally don't always get your music choices. Sometimes I swear I'm like, what the fuck IS this?? Like Screamo?? WTF, dude? But my uncle used to own a record store, like with actual records. He had this huge collection of picture discs an stuff. Did I ever tell you that my mother actually has some framed vinyl on her wall. Elvis I think, the Beatles. Anyway, that's for teaching me that vinyl never stopped being cool and for introducing me to The Gossip and telling me that I AM kinda punk rock, even though I drive a mini-van and I wear crocs to work. A long time ago you linked someone's huge ass collection of vinyl- I can't find the link, but yeah, the hugest collection of vinyl you could want- if I had it to give, it'd be all yours.

So yeah, there's my list of wishes for people you probably don't know, but should. Good blogs, people with shit to say, even if sometimes it's just shit.

Merry Christmas.

the letter

I have been recieving in the mail, annual family newsletters. While I think they are fun and a good way to catch up with people I don't see often, I still think they are kinda silly. My bestest friend Ed told me that he worked on his family newsletter and I asked, "Oh my god- how can you stand yourself?"

He laughed and said, "I know... I'm sorry."
But just for the fuck of it- here's the Ferrieri Family newsletter.


Dear family and friends:

Holy Crap is it that time already??

Well, the clock on the wall (which tells the date) says that it's Christmastime so here I am to tell you about what happened in the Ferrieri house this year.

Honestly it was pretty blurry the first half of the year. As you may know, our brother in law-Mel, died in a car accident in March. He's missed a lot, and I'll be damned if I don't see him everywhere I turn. It's strange how familiar of a face he had, because everyime time I see a big guy with a grey moustache, I want to just say, "Hey Mel." Even after all this time, and the fact that he really didn't like me very much there at the end, it's hard to believe that he's gone.

Alex is in 8th grade and while he's no longer on his meds, he's still sucking in class just as bad as he was last year when he was on them. Ok, actually it's not THAT bad- but it's not great either. He's playing guitar a lot and often can be found in front of the computer, playing guitar and texting back and forth with any number of 13 year old girls. Who says he has no focus?? Of course, he's got no game. really. I hear him on the phone asking girls, "so why are you calling me?" sigh.... he doesn't get that from me!!

Gabe and Danny are in Kindergarten this year. Danny- in his first year, finally potty trained except he still will not wipe his own butt half the time. Seriously, I think he just holds it at school- because I know that his teacher would not stand for him yelling into the classroom, "Can you wipe my butt!?!?" He's adorable cute though, seriously, and while his teachers think that he may have an attention disorder, like Alex's- he's really smart and funny and all the other things that my sons are famous for. They just don't shut up.

It's interesting how different Gabriel is than the other two, though. He is not as hyper as Alex, or as unfocused as Danny. He's smart and silly. He likes to sing. He's sensitive though, truly a mamas boy. His teachers say that he is a joy to have in class- but then again, don't they always say that?? I know my boys... I'm skeptical.

Sarah is in Grand Junction, Colorado, and I have yet to hear anything she LIKES about Colorado. She is at the top of her class. She lettered in academics, which I think means she's a super brain. She informed me a few months ago that she wants to go to art school... and NOT medical school like before. Sigh... I know. Support her dreams- but I am silently hoping that she will revist the idea of medical school. I was a little happier thinking that she was going to be a doctor, rather than an artist, even if she is a very talented artist.

As for Michael, well, lets see. We reached our 9 year anniversary... (note that I said reached, not celebrated). Be that good or bad, we are still holding on. You know, there's no cure for crazy. I think Michael had less hospitals stays this year than last year. Hey, you find the good things where you can.

And me, well I have to admit that I have not had the worst year of my life. I graduated college in May- which was a huge day for me. She didn't say it, but I know my mom was proud of me. No... she DIDN'T say it to me, but she did say it to everyone else and that's as good as it gets sometimes.

I started Grad School in September and I took two trips to New York City, in June and again in November. I have met so many amazing people this year and I while my life is not perfect, I think it could be worse.

On that note... I guess it's time to finish wrapping presents.

I wish you all love and happiness- or at least the winning lottery ticket!

-julie

December blues

Today was not really better than yesterday.  It's hard to get in to it- but I just feel kinda twisted and lost and not at all in the mood to deal with any of it.

I came home from work today and just ignored everyone.  I didn't want to talk at all.  I made kids dinner and chatted to my friends online.  All night.  I don't know if it made me feel better, but at least I don't feel worse.  

The kids all went to bed early and quietly except for Alex.  Who apparently just decided NOT to do the dishes tonight.  ummm. what the fuck.  If I am not naggin ghte hell out of of everyone, things truly don't get done.  

I asked him just now, at almost midnight?- why didn't you do the dishes?  You didn't even get started?  He gave me a blank stare.  That stupid fucking look that his FATHER has.  "I don't know."  Jesus. I wanted to punch him.  What the fuck is that??

It's days like this that I wonder if anyone in this house gives a a shit about me.  I'm so fucking tired of this crap!!  I hate to act like I'm so unappreciated, but I'm just angry.  I hate to be so woe is me.  I don't need a wooden cross here.  But jesus... I think I have a right to be angry because I feel like I have sacrifice a lot for this family and I think that the fucking dishes can get done right??

Ok. this is a stupid post.  I know.  I'm depressed.  It's not the holidays either.  I wish this was seasonal depression.  No this is just familial depression.

Someday I will go to Holland like I promised

My favorite uncle died on Monday. I haven't seen him in many years. 6,7...8. I wish I knew how long it's been. His funeral is tomorrow. In Amsterdam.

Damn.

I promised him that someday I would go to Holland, but I don't know how much I really meant it. He told me it was beautiful there. He told me that my heritage is there and that it's good to know where your people come from. It's good to walk on the streets that they walked on. I always remembered that statement. "Walk where they walked." We are not close to my Dad's side of the family. I never really thought much about it- the fact that they make no efforts to acknowledge we are alive out here, we don't really acknowledge them either. I guess that is what happens with divorce and death. My dad is gone and most of his family never knew us anyway. Just his brother who used to come and visit. I want to say it was every year- but really he probably did not come to America every year. After my father died, it was less frequent. Several years. then several more.

Regardless of the time, I have many memories of him. I remember one year my mom dropped us off at his hotel and he wasn't outside waiting for us so we didn't know what room he was in. We didn't know his first name. The Dutch have this habit of calling people by nicknames. My mom was Beebs, ("Babes") my dad was Kees ("Case") and my uncle was Bram (like Drum, but with a B). So we never knew his real name. And we didn't know his last name. He was Om Bram, that's what we knew.

When he came out and we told him... he said, "Well... what's YOUR last name??"

Between me and my older brothers, we couldn't figure that one out. I remember he told me that he got sick when he found out my dad died. He got Malaria in Indonesia in the 90's. He liked to drive fast and drove on the Autobahn on more than one occasion.

I know I hadn't seen him in years. I miss him anyway and it makes me miss my dad even more because he's gone. I hate to think that he was alone when he died. I hate to think he suffered, I hope that he didn't. You don't have to see someone every day, or call them every month to love them. I hope he knows I loved him.

His name was Alex.
I named my son after him.

Kickin it- Half Nekkid

What a long day!!

Took the husband to the ER this morning- like 3AM. What I should have done is just gone right upstairs to my office from the ER- but instead I drove him, and went to bed for a few hours- then went into work three hours late. He's ok. Same old.

Today is one of those days that my head screams for a different life. That I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues and I could just be stressed about money like everyone else.

Tonight though- the kids are at my moms, and I've got the apartment to myself. So I'm walking around half nekkid, eating a bowl of ice cream (for dinner btw) and just kickin back, enjoying my Christmas tree.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

precious and unpredictable

A patient died yesterday. Of course, this is not shocking- in hospitals, people die every day. However this patient wasn't expected to die. Despite the fact that he was in the hospital, he wasn't even very sick.

Rarely do we get 'codes' on my floor. I don't work in the ER or the ICU. When the code was called everyone goes running to assist, or just as spectators. I did stand close by, watching the action.

I watched as the nurses I work with, my neuro nurses- specifically two very seasons nurses and one younger nurse- used every skill they have to save this patient. I watched the sweat drip from thier brows as they relentlessly administered CPR for over an hour. The Code Team was amazing. Amidst all the chaos, you could tell that they knew what they were doing. Physicians, nurses, respiratory, pharmacy, lab- even nurses aids were on hand to run for supplies needed. It was critical and everyone knew it.

The patient was not yet 50. The spouse appeared younger. I stood in the vicinity as the physician told her that after 80 minutes, and shocking his heart numerous times (I counted at least 10) they were unable to revive him. They worked so hard. Everyone seemed very defeated. The spouse was devastated. All of us were crying, even myself.

I was only able to see the patient from the chest down, depending on where I was standing. I've never actually seen someone getting CPR before. The amount of force that truly goes in to manually pumping someones heart, I wonder how often patients who have recieved CPR have broken bones. I noticed how his legs went from a fleshy color, to a dusky pale white as the time passed. I noticed how when they shocked his heart, his legs jerked inwards. I noticed how the physician on the case kept mouthing the words, "Come on... come on," even after so much time had passed, I think a lot of people in the room were skeptical that they would get him back.
I also took a moment to wonder how I would feel. If a physician was explaining to me that there was nothing more they could do for my husband. The widow was hysterical. Her husband was not sick enough to die so suddenly.

Life is precious and unpredictable. I experienced that yesterday. I watched a team of people fight to save this mans life. There was noise, and a lot of people, and blood. There was yelling and tears and the looks of despair and sorrow on the faces of these people who tried desperately to save him. Facing the wife, who just lost her husband, the physician didn't appear stoic or unmoved. He was sorry. I admired the nurses, my friends, for thier strength and composure. It's rare that you get to see people at thier true best. I believe I witnessed that.

I went back to my office after they called the time of death, realizing how THAT part is the only thing that looks like it does on TV. I started to cry.

No, it's not at all like it looks on TV.

Clips from my favorite Holiday Movies.

See, it's funny.



And another great scene from another great Holiday movie.



What's your favorite holiday movie- and why??

And one of my favorite Christmas songs. There's no video, just audio. Enjoy it.
Seriously, isn't this a great song?
Please Come Home for Christmas by the Eagles.



So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and new Years will find you home
There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again

Christmas TV

My favorite Christmas Movie is The Ref. It's funny, it's kinda dark, sarcastic and has Kevin Spacey in it. My favorite line:

I'm gonna give you a big wooden cross so every time you feel unappreciated you can climb up and nail yourself to it.

A Christmas Story is good, of course, I watch it every year. "Fra-geeee-lay".

It must be French.

About 10 years ago, I saw It's a Wonderful Life for the first time. Don't ask me WHY it took so long to see it, it just did. I cried. I cry a lot in movies- this is no shocker. I also get teary at the end of Scrooged and and um... Home Alone.

Shut.Up.

So far I have seen the Drake and Josh Christmas movie twice. I'm sure I will see it more. I kinda dig Josh Peck, in that Disney Cougar kinda way- now that he's skinny and has that sorta gothy hair. Whatever- don't judge me. We all have our little quirks. He's kinda funny, and "Hug Me Brotha!!" always makes me smile. If you got kids, you know.

Last night I watched, the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. This year, I was asking myself why Charlie Brown never took a semi-automatic to all those fuckers who bossed him around? Really, we ask ourselves how kids LEARN to be so hateful and bully the short kid with the big head- but you know- for every holiday we gather round the TV and watch poor Chuck get ridiculed and demoralized and call it 'family time.'

I also noticed on the Thanksgiving Special that Peppermint Patty and Marci have the typical Dom/sub relationship.

Lucy is a sadistic dominatrix.

Holly Jolly Broke Ass Christmas

So our Christmas tree is up- and now it's time to put something under it.

Well hell.

How the fuck am I gonna pay for that??

I told Alex that he was getting money for Christmas. He's old enough for that- and he's thrilled. The little ones don't need a lot- they don't need huge things. God knows they don't need more toys.

Mike and I won't be exchanging gifts. I don't need anything and I can't afford to buy myself anything right now. I am not going to stress about christmas. The kids are young and always get TONS of presents from others. There's just no money for Christmas this year, but my kids never go without.

However, I will put a list of things I'd imaginarily LIKE to have, if I had the money for my husband to buy me a gift.

* A Nintendo DS
* A Wii, for the family
* Blackberry Storm (holy fuck how cool is that?)
* New sneakers (I kinda like THESE)
* A super awesome camera- what is that a D40? Yeah, that. Sure.
* Lap Band Surgery (ok, it's MY list)

Cat on the table

Last night, a kitty came to our back door.  She (I am assuming) was lost.  A long haired tabby that was so beautiful.  Mike and I pet her for a long time on the patio.  She came to our back door so I figured she wandered out and didn't know where she was in the back of the complex.  We moved her to our front patio and she eventually wandered off.  I really did want to let her in the house and keep her forever cause she was so pretty and sweet- but clearly she belonged to someone.  

I want a cat. 

A few weeks ago I told the Mike I wanted to put a cat on the discussion table.  It became kind of a snarky conversation, but in the end, the cat is on the table.  Maybe after the new year.  I know that if we get a kitty, we need two.  I've had cats before.  And kittens need to come in pairs otherwise they make you insane.  An older cat can be alone.  I also want a declawed kitty.  No, I don't want one that I need to declaw, cause I do think it's cruel.  However, if I rescue one, I think I'd PREFER one that is already declawed.  With the kids, and the furniture- it's just better that way.  

I like long medium haired cats, and I like tabbies. Well, I LOVE long haired cats, but I just can't deal with all the cat hair everywhere.  It's bad enough with short or medium.  

Admittedly, I'm resistant to have another pet.  When we had to get rid of our last two, it broke my heart.  I had Mike take them to a shelter and hoped they would get adopted.  Alex still doesn't know the truth, we told him they ran away together.  Financially, it's tough to have a pet when they get sick and you have to balance a small checking account between feeding the kids and taking the cat to the vet.  I vowed I would never have another pet.  

However lately I've been thinking about it- looking at pet adoption websites and demanding that it become a family discussion.  Last night, that pretty girl on my patio... sigh, I want one.

O Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree tonight.  The e-husband did it with us, which is a first, or at least a first in a while.  I did the lights, and arranged the ornaments and the boys put them on the tree and Mike helped and took pictures.

I have good memories of decorating the tree when I was younger.  We had a really big fake tree growing up, it was flocked.  I think I told this story already, but whatever.  My mom used to work evenings so we would all wait for her to come home to decorate the tree.  We'd decorate while mom made cookies and we listened to Christmas music.

Or at least that is how I remember it.

Last night we had on some Christmas music and I sang along while decorating, I was downright cheerful.

For those of you who don't know, my mom is a Jehovah's Witness.  We stopped celebrating Christmas in my house when I was 15.  It really made it hard for me to enjoy the holidays for a long time.  I still miss my mom's holiday bars and watching her dance around to Peggy Lee.  Ilike having a tree.  I didn't always.

After my divorce from my first husband, when I got my own place I didn't have money for a tree.  Alex was 2 and didn't really 'get' it yet.  Unxpectedly I got $100 bonus from one of the sales guys at work!!  I was shocked and went out and bought a tree that day from a tree farm at a church so it was only $15.  My best friend overnighted me a box of her older ornaments.  My first tree as a single woman had all red lights, and ornaments that were wooden, and small apple ornaments and silver balls.  It sounds weird, but it was really pretty.

I continued to use many of the ornaments BFF sent me until last year.  We mistakenly kept the ornaments on our patio, and the lid came off- and then it rained.  So last year I had a box of ornaments floating in water.  I bought all new ones, but I was sad to see some of the classics go.

Welcome Back Holidailies!!

My first day of Holidailies where I will blog every day for 30 days. I think this is the third year I've done this, which means that this blog has been around for two years. Wow, how many of you have been listening to my weekly drivel for two years. Introduce yourself.

*Bows. Thank you. *

So it's December 5th and I started out paying my rent and my babysitter (mom). This afternoon I have to take the youngest Beastie to a doctors appointment to have him evaluated for ADD or ADHD or whatever it could be that gives him the attention span of a door knob. I hate to be one of those mothers who just throws a diagnosis at her kid, but but you know- the OLDEST Beastie has it, so I know what it looks like. I know that way it makes me want to jump out of a window- so don't judge me.

Danny is not as hyperacted as he is inattentive. Alex was not just hyper. He still is. He is not on his meds right now, we are trying it without them. School is a little harder, but really he gets in the same stupid trouble he did last year. It's not the ADHD, it's just Alex.

What concerns me is that I always blamed Alex's DAD for the ADHD. There seems to be just one common demonimator in all three kids- and it aint the dad.

Hey look, a puppy.