Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.

I read this prayer so often that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I think in the beginning of my program, this prayer was all I could hold on to, and maybe not even all of it. Accept the things I cannot change... This is always a struggle for me. I was so convinced that with the right amount of nagging, begging, or even LOVE, I could plant seeds of change.

Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.

Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."

Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.

I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.

How NOT to Ruin Your Life

I came across an article in Yahoo! Finance called How Not to Ruin Your Life. I didn't read the article, but the headline immediately envoked a response in me. "Yeah, if I only had an ARTICLE to tell me what not to do."

Would I have read it anyway? I spent most of my formative years reading magazines and watching my older siblings and watching TV shows and movies that were probably too 'mature' for me. I am not sure if what I retained from it helped me: A crazy boy will burn your house down if he loves you enough. Don't step on the fish that look like a rock. "Doin it for Johnny" will get you shot in the streets. I certainly didn't listen to my mother, at least not enough- and I didn't heed warnings from Dear Abby, or even Tween 12 and 20. Then again I don't remember if any of it really addressed many of what I've gone through.

How would I have not ruined my life?? Maybe I would have not dated my first husband. I hired him for God's sake. Then I dated him (first mistake), got pregnant (three months later), married him- and divorced him. hmmmm.

Maybe I would have stayed single longer, even though I am not good single. Left to my own devices, I'm dangerous. I admit it. I'm more independent when I'm IN a relatively secure relationship than when I'm single. It's one of my less attractive traits.

Maybe I would have not been so silent for so long about my husbands drinking. Maybe I would have gotten help for myself. Maybe I would have walked before I even found out about the drinking. I had enough red flags, even before the drinking became obvious. Maybe I would have postponed the wedding when I had doubts about his drinking. Maybe I would have left when I figured out what it meant to be an alcoholic. Maybe I would have left after the first year, or the second. Maybe I would not have gotten off the pill. Maybe I would not have had the third child. maybe maybe maybe....

Looking at my life now- yes, I've gone through a lot of crap. But you know, maybe I'm a better person for it. Maybe I'm not so cocky. Maybe I have more respect for people who struggle with thier marriage. Maybe I have a different respect for myself. Perhaps I just realize that I can't change the bad without taking away the good. And while there has not been a LOT of good- there has been enough. It's too late to turn back now, and it's foolish to think of what might have been. I'll bet that it could have been worse, it really could have.

I guess my life isn't ruined really. Just a bit twisted. And really, there is only one mistake that I would change if I could. Just one.

I'd have taken better care of my teeth.

Mama said there'd be days like this....

I'm not sure if I'm the cat or the dog.

====

Last night on my way home from Karaoke with my friends, I realized that my old patterns are coming back. I have again, fallen in to the old patterns of giving too much of myself and not getting the same back in return, and then feeling pushed aside or slighted for it. I found myself in tears, feeling rejected and lonely. I am not sure how valid these feelings really are. I am not good at holding back my feelings. I'm not very good at rejection in any form and I'm not the kind of person to play the game and pretend I don't care, when I do. I'm absolutely transparent that way. So my friends are looking at me, I suppose, thinking, what the hell is the matter with you? And the truth is, I don't know. Do I having unrealistic expectations? Am I demanding and irrational? Am I behaving like a spoiled child?

And why?

I feel so unsettled and stressed. I have a daily headache. I am consistently anxious, despite my medications to keep from being that way. Perhaps it's because the clock is ticking, I am determined to keep my boundaries regarding my husband moving out and I'm practically getting hives from the prospect of having to enforce them. My life is on the verge of changing. I have a clear cut opportunity to have a better life- and I think I'm scared to death. I'm leaving the present plan of "a miserable life" behind. And replacing it with a clean slate. Possibilities Unknown. Opportunities Unknown. I always assumed that the demon I know is better than the demon I don't know- that is how I have played it safe for so long. But I know that is so illogical in this case- but I'm scared anyway.

I know that I'm supposed to make MYSELF happy first. I know that I have to address the emotional issues that trapped me in this so-called-life. But I feel insecure and vulnerable, and when I feel that way- I fight back. I don't know if I'm the kitten fighting the big dog, or the big dog attacking the kitten. And who am I fighting with anyway??

Last night on my way home, I was tempted to stop at a local motel and check in. Turn off my phone and hide. Instead I came home and got a decent nights sleep. And this morning, in the light of day- it still sounds like a pretty viable option for the weekend.

Letting it Go

Sometimes I can't deny the signs from my Higher Power. For weeks I have been struggling with the decision about my apartment. Should I move out and therefore force my husband to move out. Should I stay and not uproot my boys- and let them transition a little easier with thier father moving out- assuming he actually DOES move out as planned and promised... My apartment is a pit, by the way. Leaks and power trouble and old appliances....

Last night a ceiling tile covering the air conditioning came crashing down in my hallway. Broken ceiling tile and water everywhere. The maintenance people are idiots- having still not fixed a hole in the bathroom wall that has been there and I've been calling about for over a month now.

I think that is my Higher Power telling me that I should just move. It's time to go. Bite the bullet, put up the cash and move out. I was standing still and waiting for a sign. I think I got one....

Now I have been practicing this "wait for a sign" technique in regards to many things. Of course when I GET that sign, like hundreds and thousands of dollars disappearing, I still don't listen. Case in point, my life right now. So perhaps if I actually LISTEN to the signs, DO what my gut is telling me that I should do, perhaps changes will follow.

Thankful

Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. . .
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,
and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
--Paul Tillich

------
Sometimes the good things in life don't make sense any more than the bad things. I have a hard time understanding why bad things befall good people, and why good things befall bad people. Today, I can only count my blessings and be thankful for the wonderful people who have appeared when all hope seemed lost.

Love

Since I am not going to be actually going back to meeting for a month, I need to keep SOME program in my life, somehow. School starts again tomorrow- and this month, my husband is supposed to be moving out. So I'm going to do my best to blog as often as I can. Journal here about what is going on, what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking about the upcoming changes. I can feel the stress weighing me down. I've had a consistent headache for a week now. So I need to outlet it.

I originally started this blog as an outlet for my Al-Anon program, so I would like to get back to that.

This is from "Living with Sobriety":

For me, love means giving and getting comfort, care and compassion; for others there can be no love without dignity and shared responsibility. For some, feelings die when they are not returned in kind, nurtured and protected by an attentive partner. Others can love unconditionally, but from a distance. The capacity for loving may exceed a partner's capacity or it may not. Whatever our feelings may be, they are neither bad nor good; they simply are, and we have to work with them. I am free to love whomever I choose, and love, freely given is the most rewarding.
=========

I have learned a lot about love being in this marriage. For all it's faults, it's only because I, at one time, loved him with all my heart that I ever put myself through this. Sometimes it's been insane, and sometimes I lost sight of what love is supposed to be like. But who's to say? It's only been in the last year that I have realized that the love that my husband and I once shared is no longer growing. The roots have been picked apart- and we simply can't replant them. For some people, they have been able to love unconditionally from a distance. And I applaud those people who were able to have boundaries and detach and allow thier alcoholic loved ones to suffer thier own consequences and move on. I can't do that. Maybe I'm not strong enough.

I am unable to detach from his problems and remain in this relationship. I have control issues that after all these years, I still can't let go of. I have expectations- and as I read in a book on divorce that I just bought, "Reality Railroads Expectations."

No kidding.

So with that, I have to move on. Because my inablity to detach, will only bring me down. It will only further perpetuate this ugly cycle and probably kill him faster that he is killing himself.

Thoughts on love???

Just a little Patience

"The key to everything is Patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."--Arnold Glasow.

Growing up there was a sign in my mothers house that said "Nothing worthwhile comes easy." I think I have remembered that my entire life and call back on it whenever I find myself getting impatient or feeling like the struggle for what I want is too much to handle. Waiting has always been something that SEEMS like a good idea in theory, but in practice I have a hard time actually doing it.

I am waiting on a lot of things lately. Things that really ARE worth while-and some days I remember that it's worth it for me to be patient- and other days I just want to rush head first to the next phase of my life- as if I have control over it to begin with. My husband is supposed to be moving within 6 weeks. So far he is "talking about it", but I have no idea what his plan really is. He hasn't started packing anything yet. I am still considering just packing up and moving myself. Just to make sure he is left with no choice. It's harsh, but it seems like his M O is always to do nothing, and leave everyone else with no choice but to 'deal with him'. And my dealing days are over. That's for damn sure.

Lately he has been mumbling about how much pressure he is under. The stress of everything that has 'befallen' him. I did NOT make the obvious comment about how a lot of that is self inflicted, even though I was tempted. I won't be swayed by guilt. It hits me sometimes, and some days I do feel bad- but I know that I am still doing a lot more than most women would have done. I am still taking a soft stance with him when I could have thrown him to the streets with nothing. I am continuing to enable him in a milder way- giving him undeserved some time to get his crap together. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it- but I DO think that my extra effort to be kind make it ok that I really care too much about the stress he's under.

Believe it or not- he has yet to do anything to relieve MY stress.

Jumping off

I had breakfast yesterday with my sponsor. Actually, not my sponsor anymore, but she was my sponsor and I think when get back to program, she will be my sponsor again. It was nice to catch up with her. I hadn't seen her in a while and we haven't had too much time to talk lately. She was understanding about my decision not to go back to meeting until after my husband moves out. She agreed that what I need to do is stay angry. She told me, what she could NOT tell me when she was my sponsor- but can safely say now that she's just my friend. "Get the hell away from him and save your own life." We don't give advice in Al-Anon. We only offer experience strength and hope. Support in whichever path each of us chooses.

I can forgive later. Right now I need to stay angry. I can "Let Go" later. She agreed with me. She assured me that program will always be there for me. That I knew. I believe in it. It helps me move on. And I know that once he's gone, I will need help to get over it. But I can't get past it while I'm still living in it. Anger fuels me. Resentment keeps me moving forward. Freedom is my only revenge. It's the only way I can prove my point and not become a horrible ugly hateful person. My point? I guess that I deserve better. That I am worth more than what I have. I am worth more than what he thinks of me.

Co-dependency is a wicked whore. It's just as unhealthy as any addiction and perpetuates the disease in a very silent way. I enabled him until he was practically paralyzed by it and hated him every step of the way. I resented him for his inability to take care of himself, but I was always there to take care of him, so he suffered no real consequences except having to hear my bitch at him and tear him down for being unable to take care of things on his own, confirming his bad opinion of himself and keeping him stuck in his own self pity- keeping the cycle going. A vicious and nasty little circle. I admit, even now, it's a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut when I know he has very little options. I find myself looking for ways to help him, without it seeming like I'm helping him. (Luckily the larger efforts I find myself thinking about are quickly interrupted by the voices in my head- asking me if I'm "out of my fucking mind?".) It's hard to stop doing what I've always done, even if the results have been disastrous. I still CARE about him. It's hard not to feel somewhat responsible for the way things have turned out. His sister told me I probably should have left him to sink or swim years ago. And he would have swam, and maybe with less damage than he's got to carry now. He'll swim now. Perhaps with moderate assistance, but as long as he stays afloat- stays alive... that is all that matters. I think that the ones who will help him, realize that carrying him will eventually kill him. It seems that they are forcing him to do the footwork in taking care of his health- applying for disability, keeping up with his appointments, etc. Offering him assistance based on his own efforts. I think they realize the damage that has been done by all I did (all WE did) to help him and protect him. And really, he's much worse off now, physically and mentally- than he was three years ago. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not bear to watch him suffer- I guess I did what I did to make myself feel better- and in the end I know he just got worse. I have to accept some responsibility for that. Perhaps if he was forced to make it on his own back then, he would have gotten help before it got worse. Actually, I know he would have. Three years ago, using, without any other place to turn, he may have gone into a inpatient rehab center. That may have saved him.

I see that I've drifted into this place where it seems like I'm blaming myself. I'm not. This is not my fault. I know that. All of this began with the bottle. At the core of it all- it's an alcoholic marriage. It's a family disease and we all play a part. It's not my fault- I got sick too. The whole family gets sick from addiction one way or the other. There is a pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial, and as silly as I always thought the title was- it's is absolutely true. Round and Round. More like a speeding Merry Go Round, fueled by vodka, cocaine and rage- throwing off that was not hanging on for dear life. Now we just have to look around, and pick up the peices that have been thrown aside.

I can't help but wonder, thinking about that analogy, why the hell I didn't let go when it started to pick up speed??

What's fair?

Thought for today

Some of us get hung up on what's fair. We might feel, because we've worked hard to straighten out our lives, we should be rewarded. We might keep score of what we get and what others get. And we complain if it's "not fair."

Maybe we should be glad life isn't fair. Why? Most of us caused a lot of trouble we've never had to pay for. And we've hurt a lot of people who haven't gotten even. Would we really want life to be fair?

Guns drawn

Well the war is on and there won't be any winners.

I emailed Michaels parents today because I was concerned that he hadn't taken his medications and that I felt he needed help taking care of himself because it seems like he is not consistent. I was not trying to go behind his back, because I knew he would find out. His parents are NOT on my side. They didn't call me- they called HIM and told him what I said. I knew they would and I am fine with that. I am worried about him. I can't help him. He can't stand me. But his parents have been pretty involved with his recent hospital stays and I wanted them to be in the know about what's going on. He claimed he was taking the pills from the bottle and not the daily pill case we set up. I think that's bullshit, because why would he open 8 different bottles of pills, 4 times a day when they are already separated and ready to go in a nice handy case. But whatever.... just keep handin out the bullshit until someone believes you.

In anycase. He is very angry. I don't remember what he accused me of trying to do. I am not sure if he thinks I was trying to score points or turn people against him, but I was not. I will gladly forward the email I sent to his parents- I make no apoligies for my actions.

He claims he does not need me, so I told him to get the fuck out. Plain and simple. It's ugly. It's only going to get uglier. He wants to hate me, I should just let him. If I do something hateful and mean, he gets angry. If I do something nice, I am sending mixed messages and he gets even more angry. I just want him to leave. I think that's been made clear. There's no confusion about that.

I fear it's going to get worse before it's over.

ADVERSITY

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

"Adversity reveals genius,
prosperity conceals it."
--Horace

Today I believe that the only way to understand God, the world,
my neighbor and myself is through some degree of suffering. Pain
and suffering are humbling in the truest sense; they stop you from
being arrogant, selfish and "prideful". Being spoiled stops me from experiencing the real world and stops me from growing.

Today adversity is part of life and part of being human. Not to
grow through adversity is to die. To have everything is to
experience nothing. To feel in life -- to have emotion -- demands
adversity and pain.

Teach me to be grateful for the suffering that leads to growth.

The business of The End

I'm trying to get along and play nice, but it seems like it can go from civil to screamin in 10 minutes. There is no 'good conversation' about divorce. There is no good way to lay out the details without someone getting upset. For as much as I would like to approach this in a matter-of-fact business like manner. It's not business, it's personal. It's VERY personal. Its my life, and the end of it's current status. It's his life and ultimately a lot of changes there too. Obviously.

I don't want to play myself up like I am some saint who is just doing everything for the good of someone else- but I think I AM being incredibly fair, under the circumstances. Joint Custody, 50% visitation- no child support, no alimony. The bills are mine cause I am the only one paying them anyway. Legal separation so he can stay on my health insurance for at least two years. Really, I think I'm being just SWELL considering I could probably get a good lawyer, pull out every last stop and make his life pretty miserable. But I'm not going to do that- because I just don't want to have this be the ugliest thing.

The arguments were always huge. Neither of us is willing to back down in the midst of an argument. It's not that I don't like to lose, I just don't like to lose TO HIM. In my opinion, he sees the world through the eyes of the man he WANTS to be, not the man he IS- so to me, a lot of his views are skewed. The things that he says and the ideas he has, are good- and viable if they were coming from someone with a bit more credibility. I spend a lot of time defending myself against his ability to take my every insecurity and throw it at me. And then tell me he's not trying to hurt me. It's almost like having an argument with my mother.

Either way, I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated thing. I have jobs on my plate today that does not at all include him, moving, or the divorce. Today I just want to have a nice day. Tackle some projects, maybe have lunch with a friend or two, run some errands after work- go home and just retreat to my corner, agreeing to just keep my mouth shut and pray that he does too. I don't want to hear it anymore.

I have no idea how we will keep things civil until October.

I just want my life back.
I want to move on.
I want to be free.
I want to be happy.

The Roses

When we got married, we were each given a rose. The guy said some words about being a couple and how we are tied together, but still two seperate people. And we put the roses together and he tied them with a ribbon. These roses have always been on display in our house. Not always so gently with the care they deserve- but they are always visible. The idea behind it was to use the roses as a reminder when thing got tough, or to use them as a signal to the other person when one of us was struggling. Separate the roses as a way to show the other person that 'there is a problem' and we need to work at getting them back together. We never did untie the roses. Not once.

Next week we will have been married 7 years. Today, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Now I already told him that I was moving out. That I could no longer remain in this marriage. But I never said, "I don't love you." It was never about the fact that I don't love him. I really don't know if I do. I don't know if you truly CAN love someone for whom you hold so much anger and resentment. Regardless, I would never say that to him. I think it's unnecessary and hurtful and the only reason you would come out and say that to someone is if you had the intention to hurt them. And it did hurt.

I don't know if I have written in the blog that I do not love him anymore. It's just not that simple. I love him because he is the father of my children. I love him because there was a time, a very long time ago- that my heart skipped a beat when he walked in the room. There was a time when I really didn't think I could live without him. Maybe those thoughts were misguided, and maybe they were the desperate cries of a co-dependent needing her own emotional 'fix'- but they were my feelings, no matter how unhealthy and misplaced they may have been. I simply can't stay in this marriage any longer- because the love that I do have for him, is simply not enough to tolerate everything else. It's diluted with resentment and anger and bleeding out every time I open my mouth to talk to him. I'm just tired of hurting. I'm exhausted from it. I just want to move forward. Pack up my boys and leave this life behind. There is no use in talking about what went wrong. Everything went wrong. EVERY THING.

So I sit here, feeling quite beat up from the entire conversation we had, looking up at "The Roses." Sticking out of a magazine box. They are dusty. The ribbon is dirty, but still tied.

Neglected. Ignored. Forgotten.

I don't think I will untie them when I move out. I don't need that kind of a gesture.

The fact that the roses that represent our 7 year marriage are dusty, held together by a dirty ribbon, and carelessly shoved in a box is symbolic enough.

Making changes

Well I went and looked at an apartment today. I remember now, why I always HATED moving. The process of just FINDING a place is so tedious I just want to swallow a knife. The last two apartments we moved to- my husband found. I told him, find a place- I want AC, a dishwasher and a place to park my car. Other than that- a roof, maybe some doors, a few walls, and I'm good. I really don't WANT to move. Where I live now is close enough to everything I want. It could use a very good cleaning and paintjob. Some drawers fixed etc.

I'm assured that HE is going to move out. That I don't HAVE to move, and that he WILL. He's going to have to anyway. It's what I would prefer. I just want to make sure that he goes- and does not feel so comfy to just hang out here. Walk right in and set up camp when I'm not home. Moving is the best thing for me. Someplace new- but maybe I don't need to do that right away. If he moves out- maybe I can wait until January. I'm always stalling.... I hate moving.

But I did go and LOOK. That's a step in the right direction.

Powerless

This morning I woke up and was relieved to find a new blog post from my brother in Iraq. Sometimes I don't even read them at the time, but it's nice to see them and know he's alive another day.

When he is home- this is his second trip over there this time around and God willing, he will be home before the holidays. His post was very defeated. He was frustrated. He was tired. I was reading his posts and thinking to myself talk about being powerless. There he is, he and his team and they are doing thier job and training the Iraqi soldiers and doing thier best, only to come back to camp at the end of the night, feeling like "in the end, there will be nothing left but us." I made me think that even in the true sense of life or death situations- you can only do what is within your control- and that is not much.

You put one foot in front of the other. You do your job. You do what you are trained to do, what you are supposed to do, what you are paid to do. You do your part to the best of your ability and give up the results because you simply can't make things happen if someone else has another agenda. And in the end- even if things did not turn out the way you would have liked, you have to be able to say "My side of the street is clean and I can't control what happens on the other side."

It's like that in everything I guess. You just move forward and do what you do. Do your part and give up the results. I need to remember that today. I can only handle what's on my plate. I can't control the plans of other people. I have to remember that today and let it go.

Today's Reminder

"Right now, today I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me." (ODAT)

There's a lot of things going on around me that I have no control over. My husband is talking about moving out- but in a way that is so unrealistic I just want to say, "Are ya kidding me??" But I just say, "oh- interesting." and keep my mouth shut. Far be it from me to discourage him to explore options that mean he will be leaving!! And in the end (of September), if he doesn't leave, I will and he will be forced to. I may as well plan for that. I only wish I didn't have to wait until then.

I can't make things happen in the manner in which I want them to happen. My life is not directly impacted on most things that occupy space in my brain. I can't counsel, advise or push my opinion because it's not my work. It's not my business- even if I have a right to be concerned or am even afforded the right to CARE about it.

Only the things that are my business, are the matters in which I need to move about my plate. Nobody needs to handle my problems and tasks for me- and I have to assume that I am just as annoying to others when I try to butt in or offer unsolicited advice in situations that are not mine.

I really need a meeting. Badly. I am feeling more lost in my own head lately and trying to reach out and grasp at straws to find a sense of balance. But I have my issues about that too. But you know, the relationship with my husband is a done deal. It's done. I have to remember that it's over and Al-Anon is for me. It's not 'how to stay married' or 'how to get divorced'. I came to that on my own. What I need now, is a good way to deal with me and the struggles in my own head. I could find that through church, or through counseling. But really- program has always been the most freeing and spiritual therapy I've ever had.

I know...go go go. Get your ass to a meeting. I know.

Resentment is a shiny shield

My husband was in the hospital all weekend. He got sick again, really really sick and you know, I am just indifferent about it. I am not convinced that THIS hospital stay is any different than the all the ones before it. And you know, while his attitude appears a little different-I can't distunguish it as any different than any of the other times that he 'appeared' to have an attitude change, and didn't. I trying not to pay attention to it, because I don't really believe that he's actually had one. Or at least that he is willing to do what it takes to feel better in the long term.

But either way, my fear is that he will suck me in to believing that this situation is tolerable and I will either attempt to believe him, only to get my heart stomped when he resorts back to his usual behavior. Or I will completely rebel against it and attack him in his sleep. I don't know that in the many times I have decided to give this marriage a chance, it was ever because I felt that I loved him so much that I could not live without out him. At least not in the past two or three years. It was usually because I felt guilty. It was convenient, or it was what I thought was best for the kids. It was never about love. My reasons for staying were never because I loved him so much, nor is my reasons for finally leaving about NOT loving him.

Love is irrelevant at this point. In this situation, it's not enough in which to base any decisions upon. To stay or go is not about love- because I will never NOT love him, nor will I ever love him again ENOUGH to get past all that's happened. So it's not about love- it's just survival and breaking the pattern. I simply have to be honest and admit that I want more than this. I don't think he will change, and even if he did- I don't think it will matter. That is the honest truth. I don't think I will ever let him forget what he's done. I don't think I can ever forgive him for not living up to my expectations, for each broken promise in which I have committed to memory. Maybe that makes me self-righteous, maybe it makes me selfish, but it's the truth. This relationship makes me the absolute worst version of myself. I don't like who I am with him. I don't like myself in this marriage. I don't think he's losing so much really. For all that I claim to do in my second career as a martyr-I cannot deny that to him, I've become a bitter, angry, suspicious, mean, sarcastic, apathetic BITCH.

And it doesn't bother me.

I see that as my armor, my defense against him. My right.

I have no plans to stop being that way any time soon.

He commented to me recently that I should hear myself when I talk to him. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Too bad." Who the hell have I become?? I'll tell you. I've become my mother on her very worst day. Razor tongue and not a care in the world if I cut his head right off with it. And that is no way to live my life. I know that I don't have any any right to be hateful and ugly and still REMAIN in this marriage. I know that a certain amount of fault is mine too for that type of behavior. And all I can do to stop it, is leave. I won't put down my armor. Not again. Not ever again.

The truth hurts

Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try...
















Eventually, enough


















is finally

















enough.

Progress, Not Perfection

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.---Ovid

Our program speaks of spiritual progress, not perfection. We can take all the time we need. Our bottom line is steady progress. We can ask ourselves, "Am I a little more spiritual than I was a year ago? A month ago?" If the answer is yes, we're doing great. If the answer is no, we should look at why.
Our illness pushes us to be perfect. In recovery, we learn that we are free to be what we are---human. Even the world's fastest runners are average in most other areas of their lives.. This is okay. Remember, "spiritual progress, not perfection."

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I'll not be ashamed of how average I am. I'll remember I'm average---and that's good.
=============



I don't expect to always do everything the exact way other people feel it 'should' be done. I am certain that other people would live my life very differently. I get a lot of advice on what I should do. How I should respond and what decisions I should make. And I take all of it with a smile, taking note of who it comes from and how much they know about my situation and if thier advice is informed or just "this is what I would do"- which really is only worth so much. I do feel my situtaion is different than many women in unhappy marriages, but not so different for most women in alcoholic marriages or marriages with someone with chronic illness. Either way, I realize that my progress in how I deal with my husband, my marriage and my life may not be what people think that it ought to be- but I know, for myself, that it is VERY different than what it USED to be.

I did not wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, when did things get out of hand?" it started small- and got bigger, much bigger and then a little more manangeable- albeit still quite messy. But really, life is MUCH more livable than it used to be. Only now I choose NOT to live life this way anymore. If I wanted to- I guess living the rest of my life as it stands now, would be a little easier than it was three, four, five years ago. As back then, I still had hope, I was still twisting myself in a million directions and making my husband my Higher Power. I know better now. I have more independence now than I used to. My life has a purpose, and a direction and it's the direction that I want it to go- regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If I absolutely HAD to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life, I would still have a lot to look forward to. My marriage is not what makes me the person that I am anymore. I am no longer defined by my husband or the disease that he has. I am no longer ruled by his actions. I am no longer plagued with his illness. It affects me, yes, it burdens me emotionally and weighs on my heart, of course, but it does not dictate my life anymore. I can still get up every day and go to work and be productive. I can have friendships and hobbies. I can join in activities and have some fun. Even though I have a husband at home who is sick and miserable and probably doesn't even like me very much- I can still have a life. Be a good friend to people and be a participant in my life, not just a casualty of his. Three, four, five years ago- I could not say that.

And really, regardless if what anyone else thinks, THAT is progress.

Holding on

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
--unknown

Moving past the guilt

I haven't spoken to my mother about leaving my husband, because know she thinks it's the wrong thing to do. He's sick, and he can't take care of himself and maybe she feels that it's my responsibility to stay with him. Or maybe because of her religious convictions, she simply CAN'T support me divorcing him. Either way, I tend to stay away or not broach the subject to people who I think will encourage me to stay. Maybe I am not strong enough against my own guilt. And I DO feel guilty. I AM sorry. Not because I don't love him anymore, not because the marriage didn't work out. I know that I did all that I could- and then some. I hung on, I detached, I enabled, I ignored, I demanded, and I let go. I have hung in here, for years....waiting and giving chances. And none of it has made enough difference to make me more than "content to live in an unhappy situation." I don't even know WHY I feel guilty. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. Maybe because he does his best to make me feel guilty. Maybe because I know that I COULD live with this situation and I still question the idea that I deserve better than this and I am walking away because I WANT to- I don't HAVE to.

One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."

And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.

It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.

Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.

Who is your higher power today??

My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.

Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.

But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?

Detachment or Indifference??

It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.

So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.

Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.

Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.

Waiting

Meditation For The Day

There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right. It is always a temptation to do something at once, instead of waiting until the proper time. Timing is important. I must learn, in the little daily situations of life, to delay action until I am sure that I am doing the right thing at the right time. So many lives lack balance and timing. In the momentous decisions and crises of life, they may ask God's guidance, but into the small situations of life, they rush alone.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may delay action until I feel that I am doing the right thing. I pray that I may not rush in alone.

==========















Am I ready to end the life I know and venture into a life unknown?

Soon.

Tuesday Ramblings

I am missing my kid today. This morning the two little ones were awake before I left for work so I put off doing my hair so I could sit with them for a few minutes and love on them. It was a good morning, so I did not want to miss the opportunity to get in a few hugs and exchange a few knock knock jokes. Alex will hopefully have his internet up in a few days so I can see him on the webcam by the weekend. I miss that little punk so much it hurts to think about him.

I'm trying to help Gabriel adjust. He doesn't understand what's wrong at home, he can't seem to pinpoint what is missing, but he knows that something is missing. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but he will say goodbye to Alex on the speaker phone. I am not sure if Alex misses us as much as we miss him.

Sarah is leaving on Thursday for Colorado. I know that Michael is struggling with that also. I know what he's feeling and just like he could not help me, I can't help him. I'm trying to put aside any feelings of animosity for him, and be there for him the way he was for me- but I admit, I have not been very good at it. Sometimes it's hard to be a good person when someone needs you, when that someone has hurt you so much. I don't pride myself on being the warmest, most sensitive girl I know- but I never thought I would be cold. Sometimes I see myself going that way. Shutting off to his feelings because I feel that he has shut himself off to mine. He's hardened me, but the only one I'm like that to- is him.

I've been reconnecting with old friends lately. I've been doing that over the past year, I guess. I've found some on myspace and that's fun to catch up. It's wonderful to talk to people who knew me back when- and it makes me wonder if I could ever be that girl again. If I could ever be fearless and a rebel and outgoing and fun, the way I'm told I used to be. I'm trying. I have been hearing stories about me, from the past, when I was in high school- and maybe around 18... and I'm not sure who that girl was- but she sure sounded like she was a blast.


















Who the hell is this girl?? and where the hell did she get those trashy ass nails!!!!!!!!
Thanks Robert for this picture- it freakin cracks me up!!!

Perception

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have
excellent reason to know. Roots of reality will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." - unknown...

More than the price of admission

Admitted we were powerless, our lives had become unmanageable.

Last night I reminded myself (and a friend) that all of my best efforts have brought me only to this point in my life. I am powerless, but not blameless. Sometimes we see the clear path of what the right thing to do is, but we choose to go the other way-down the wrong path- for nothing other than pure selfishness.

I cannot blame the things I am unhappy about on my situation, or on my husband or his situation. I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay 7 years ago when I was first faced with this. I chose to stay when I did have several oppotunities go leave. Was I being selfish?- was I trying to have what was not mine to have? Was I trying to create a life and a family where maybe there shouldn't be one? Was I trying to convince myself. Or maybe I was trying to make more out of less. I was trying to make the best of things, move things along and hope that perhaps it will all sort itself out in the end. I don't know, but what I know is that I have less than what I want in a marriage and that somehow makes my life a little less worth living.

I don't want a life that is not worth the effort it takes to live it. I can change it. I can make better choices and I can plan a better life and a better future for me. Happiness, a few laughs, respect, maybe even a man I can trust my whole heart with. But maybe now is not the time for that. Right now I have to stay on track with school and not deviate from the plan. First things first, and the first thing I need to do is secure my financial future- and that of my kids and that will come by finishing school. I know that while things are not exactly ideal here in this marriage, it's a means to an end and maybe in a few years, my best efforts will put me someplace else, someplace better. Maybe then love will come back to me- a love that I can believe in and a love that makes my life worth living. A love that is so real, I don't even feel that I deserve it because it's worth so much, and costs me so little.

Fear

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

Fear is a killer. It stops the God-given spirituality in our lives from
taking shape and making life enjoyable. Fear is connected with doubt -
doubt of self. Low self-esteem develops along with fear and in order
for confidence to develop, the fear must be faced, confronted and
talked about.

Fear is not going to go away because we wish it away or hope it sway
or even pray it away. Fear needs to be identified, located and seen for
what it is - or, as in most cases, what it isn't. Fear of people, things,
tomorrow or life itself grows so long as we forge that we are creatures
of God. There is nothing that cannot be faced or overcome.

Fear is never stronger than our spirituality. We need to bring
our fear into the light; then it can be overcome.
=================


Today I pray not to be afraid of what comes next. I find that I am gripped with fear lately because I feel outside of myself. Everything feels a bit off center and I am not sure how to get back there. I am practicing gratitude. I am allowing people in. Letting people love me, loving people back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and letting life happen. I don't want to be so afraid of every next turn, that I miss the whole journey.

Let Go and Let God. I just need to practice that today. That is the response to fear.

Just let go.

All I've got

So it seems that it's been a while that I've really talked about program. I guess I haven't really had much of one in a while. I was going to meetings, at least one or two a month, but I think it's been a whole month now. I almost don't want to go back, but I know that I need to. I am struggling lately. My life feels uneasy- and I know it's cause I'm away from a place that I feel centered. It's when I'm in pain that I really need program, and I can't deny that right now, I'm in pain- but it's not the same kind of pain. I guess I can approach it the same way. Just walk through it.

Be where my feet are and just let it run it's course. I used to try to move on to the next thing, so I don't have to feel my pain- but it always catches up to me. So I guess whatever I am going through right now, I just have to feel it. Regardless of how long it takes and how much it hurts. Just feel it- so when it's over, it's over. That's the best I can do right now. I am torn apart and it's all I feel lately. I miss Alex. I have spoken to him, once or twice a day the last few days. And it doesn't make me feel any better. We don't talk about much. He's 11- his phone conversation skills are lousy. And so we don't talk for long. It's not about talking to him, it's about the fact that at the end of the day, he's not coming home.

My husband, shockingly, has been really great this weekend. He knows I am struggling. He can see me crying all the time, and he doesn't try to fix it for me. He doesn't try to reason me out of my feelings- and he doesn't try to make it better for me. He has been good about leaving me be, and picking up my slack. I warned him that I wasn't doing well. That I am having a hard time. I told him that it's not the time for HIM to have a breakdown, it's my turn and he's going to have to deal with that. He said that was fine. He has been taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and letting me sleep when I want to, which is really all I want to do right now. He brings me coffee and brings me a blanket. It's his way. We have a hard time relating to each other anymore, but I am grateful for his kind gestures. It must be awful to feel like this all the time. But I think today, I get it. Earlier today, I didn't even WANT to feel better. I just wanted to be sad, and cry and sleep. And I did. I left the house for lunch with my in-laws, and came home and went back to more sadness, more crying and more sleep. He didn't say a word. He knows how I feel right now. He can't make it better and he doesn't think he can either. But his efforts gave me something to be grateful about, and that helped me feel better tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe the day after that.

I'm grateful for my husband being as great as he was today.
I'm grateful for my two boys who behaved at the restaurant at lunch and both of them napped afterwards.
I'm grateful that my son is safe and having fun, even if he's not with me.
I'm grateful that I have a job that I can go to tomorrow that is fun and engaging and keeps me busy and thinking.
I'm grateful that I have friends who love me and who are concerned for me right now and who are calling to check up on me, and try to cheer me up- even if they can't. It makes me feel good to know that I'm loved.

This too shall pass.

God I hope so.

Unconditional friendship

One of my best male friends is moving with his family this week. We have been friends for almost 2 decades and he has been so important and so supportive for as long as I can remember. We have faded in and out of each others lives for years. Talk consistently for a few months, then not for a few months, in and out, back and forth- the way true friends do. I know his family and they all know me, from his daugther to his mom. I have never known anyone who I didn't give birth to who was consistently so pleased to see me.

All of the major decisions I've made, since I was about 20 I have discussed with him. There was not much that happened, that he didn't know about eventually. And with all the the choices, good or bad, all of the messes I've gotten myself in to, and there were plenty, he was always there with support and kind words. Even if I couldn't BE more wrong. He allowed me to make my decisions and make my choices and never tried to push his own opinions on me, even though I know him well enough to know he had them. Whenever I was feeling down or sad, a quick phone call was all I needed to cheer me up and make me feel like I could make it through. I'm certain that I have not been as crucial to his life as he has been to mine. We have spouses and children and lives that are so incredibly different, but we share a friendship that has lasted a long time and has always meant more to me that he probably even realizes.

He sent me an email recently about friendship and how people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have it handy, but I'm sure it's been rotated before because I've read it before. And I truly feel that he is a friend for a lifetime. I know I will still talk to him and I know I will see him ag
ain- but it makes me sad how we move on. People come in and out of your life and you just keep going, sometimes not even looking at those we have left behind. And sometimes, constantly looking back- and wishing we could have taken them along.

I have lost touch with many friends whom I thought I would know my whole life. And I have kept in touch with people who I was certain were merely around for a short duration. There's little rhyme or reason to why people come in and out of your life- and you can't control how long they will stay. Loss is hard. I've lost alot of people I love, some of them by no fault of my own- and some of them were the direct result of something I was at fault for. Sometimes it's just the way life moves us through.

I don't know where I'm going with this. There is no easy way to say goodbye when you know there a chance that perhaps it's goodbye for good. Maybe our lives will get busy and eventually the phone calls will get to be few and far between. Weeks turn to months, to years and all of a sudden, a long time has been TOO long. It's just the way things go and sometimes you can't change that no matter how much you want to.

A reason, a season or a lifetime.

Either way.

To you:
In the end I'm so very grateful for the friendship we share and for how you have added more to my life than you will ever understand.

It's never easy letting go

Looking at this picture, I can see how much Alex and I really DO look alike. With my hair pulled back and no makeup on, the resemblace is undeniable. When I look at him, I usually see his dad, but in this picture, there is not a doubt in the world that this kid looks like me. I noticed once in a photograph when he was 5 or 6 that our hands are similar. But usually I guess because I don't look at myself at the same time, I never realized how much he does look like me.

He left last night. His dad showed up at 9PM on the nose and we loaded up the car. He said goodbye to his older stepsister who spent the day with us, and his little brothers who were clueless and tired and grumpy. Outside my husband gave him a hug and told him he loved him. And then Alex turned to me and said "Bye Mom" and we hugged tight and for the first time I started to cry. I didn't completely fall apart at that moment, because I was trying to be strong for Alex- but the tears were there and I hugged him tight and I really didn't want to let go. I thought for a moment how tall he was, and how he is not a baby anymore, but a young boy who is not too much shorter than me and I wondered when that happened, and why hadn't I noticed it until now. How long had it been since I had really stopped and hugged this kid tight??

We hugged for what felt like an thirty minutes while my husband went inside, appropriately feeling like this was a moment that was between Alex and me and my ex. I kissed Alex and told him how much I love him, and I will talk to him soon and I shuffled him into the car. His dad, my ex husband put his arms out to hug me. It was then I broke down. I cried, hard, into his shoulder while he patted and rubbed my back and promised me that he would take care of Alex. He promised me that he would be ok. He told me they would miss me, and "I love ya Jules" and he said what I never thought I would care to hear from him, he said, "You've done a good job raising our son." That meant alot to me- even though I never felt like I needed his approval before.

I went inside the house before they drove away and I went to my room and cried some more. My husband came in, and held me while I cried even more. I felt like I couldn't speak, but only sob- feeling like a peice of my heart had been taken away and the first thing I did say when I words could come out was, "Have I just made a huge mistake?"

But even as the words came out, I knew that I hadn't. I know that this choice will not make Alex unhappy. He is not being shipped off kicking and screaming, and I am sure that while he may still be a little sad today- he is already starting to get excited about it- as while I am very sad, I am excited FOR him. The other day I told Alex that saying goodbye is the hardest part. The actual moment of goodbye is the hardest. That yesterday would be the hardest part of all of this, and as soon as it's over, it will start to feel better a little at a time. I promised him that saying goodbye will be very hard and it wil hurt, but it only hurts for a little while. In my case, I also hope that's true.

Today I got out of the house. I went to my friends house and we sat by the pool and talked girl talk. She let me talk about my feelings and I was grateful for that. It's nice to be listened to and not always lectured at. It's not important to always get the 'devils advocate' opinion or sometimes anyones opinion. I don't need anyone to solve my lifes problems, but I think it's ok to ask for an ear to bend if I need it.

Still, it's Sunday night and I will not be recieving the call I get almost every Sunday night from my ex husband telling me that he is on his way with my son. My son is not coming home tonight- and I miss him already.

You never realize that anything in your life is missing until it's filled, and in turn you never know that you are filled, until something is missing.

3 days

(Pic is from Decemeber 2004)

Tonight on the way home from my mom's house- Alex started crying. He said he was sad because he was not going to see his grandmother after tomorrow until Christmastime. I have thought that as soon as I saw him cry, I would start crying- but I didn't.

It's amazing how when we need to be strong, it sort of comes from nowhere. I assured him that he would talk to her all the time. That she is always logged in to Yahoo Messenger and he can chat with her probably every day. She'll get a webcam. So he can talk to her on that too and see her. Alex has always been very close with my mother. Sometimes closer than I prefer. If I want to get him to eat anything, I tell him that it's leftovers and that she made it.

My mother and I had a horrible fight when I told her that Alex was leaving. She has calmed down considerable, but she and I share different ideas about this. There are a few people who don't support my decision, but I know that it's good for him and he will enjoy the adventure and maybe even thank me someday for allowing him to go. Yesterday when he was crying, I wanted to tell him, "Alex if you don't want to go- you don't have to." I wanted to tell him that I didn't WANT him to go. I think if I cry and do enough talking, I can convince him that I won't be ok without him- and manipulate him into staying. And even I though I would be somewhat pleased, it's just more guilt that I don't need.

I have alot of friends who are very concerned and sorry for my "loss". But I did not LOSE custody of him. He did not get killed or abducted. This was a decision that I made to let him live with his father. Not a sister or a grandparent, not a distant relative. But his FATHER. The man who ALSO promised to love and care for him. My ex and I have grown to have a pretty decent friendship over the past years and we respect and understand each other, which is more than I can say for alot of ex couples. I think that Alex will only benefit by seeing us getting along. There are those who simply don't agree with what I'm doing, and that is ok too. I am grateful for my friends who love and support me, even if they don't agree with this decision. But like many things in my life, it was not one that I came to easily. I am not impulsive and while I am not exactly a "warm and fuzzy" mom, I do cherish my children and freely admit that I would never know true love without them. And it's because I love Alex with all my heart that I will let him go and experience something different and exciting and something that will make him happy.

Every month in Oprah's magazine she has a feature called "This I know for sure" or something like that- and here is what I know for sure.

As mothers, our choices are never easy.

4 days....

My son is leaving on Sunday. Originally he was not leaving until the 19th- but his dad, my ex has decided he is going two weeks early, so my son will be leaving with him. I think I've been in denial about it, and now it's really happening. I'm trying not to be emotional about it, because my son is an emotional kid. I don't want to make it harder for him. I am also trying not to be bitter, because he seems so excited to be leaving in the first place. I'm trying to be funny, and joke around about how much quieter it will be around the house without him around. How I won't have to watch Yu-Gi-Oh anymore or hear about Avatar. No longer will I have to listen to "U Can't Touch This" on Radio Disney or "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Naked Mole Rap." Kim Possible who??

He laughs and says "mommmm" knowing that I am joking. Knowing that I like to tease him and make him laugh. Knowing how I am the cool mom who tries not to freak out if the f-bomb slips out (I know where he learned it), or who simply lets his grades be what they are because lets face it folks, in 5th grade- who cares if it's an A or a B.

When I was in labor with him. He was late and I was in the hospital. I was not progressing, and my contractions, while painful and uncomfortable, were induced and producing nothing. I was exhausted and irritated and as my step dad likes to quote me from that day, "This Sucks!"

It had been 34 hours of labor and I was now waiting for the next 45 minutes to pass before the let me have the C-section. With about 15 minutes to go, the monitor starts beeping and his heart rate started to drop. Nurses came running in and there was so much commotion. They were telling me to roll this way, prop myself up, put my leg up, no roll that way, this leg here, prop up, lay down- whatever. I was low on fluid and because I kept throwing up- I kept losing whatever fluid they were pumpin in there. He was could be laying on the cord, you don't know. Could be wrapped. Dont' know. So I was there doing what they said and listening for that beep beep beep of the monitor. I was laying facing the monitor and staring right at it. Watching the number drop. lower lower lower.... I just started at it. I could. like an echo, hear my mom, gasping and trying to ask questions to the nurses. I could hear the echo nurses around me. I could even hear the echo of my ex by the door, being distracted and escorted in another direction by my sister. But all I could clearly hear was that beep beep beep. And then it was gone. I started blankly at that LCD screen.

Just you and me, I remember thinking, you won't do this to me. We have a deal you and me. I remember that I whispered his name. I remember the world stopping, for just that moment between me and this unborn child. I started at that screen for what seemed like minutes, although I'm sure it was just a few seconds....and I prayed, even though I hadn't prayed in years...

....beep....

and he was back.

Within minutes I was rushed into the operating room. On the way down the hall they pumped up my epidural and I slept through the whole thing. I woke for a second when I heard him cry. They brought him next to my face and I touched him.

And I may never tell him how much I miss The Naked Mole Rap. Or how I will probably listed to Radio Disney, even though I don't have to. He won't ever know how much I wanted him to tell me he didn't want to go. He will never ever know how much I love him. He will never know that I am dying...absolutely dying inside to see him go. And how when his dad said he wanted to take him to North Carolina, the world stopped once again.

Born to be alive

Sometimes it seems like my life hasn't changed much, and sometimes I am amazed at how different I feel.

Maybe it's a confidence thing. Perhaps I just FEEL better about myself lately. Perhaps it's about detachment. Things with my husband have really not changed much. I mean, lately (and by lately I mean the last two days) we have been getting along a little better- but I have my doubts at how real that is. And when he gets into his depressed moods, I can't say that I'm OK with it, but I think it bothers me less at that moment. I try not to think of what the rest of my life will be like- because then it feels hopeless and endless, but in general, I can handle it one day at a time.

But I learned to get a life. To hang out with friends, and be social and have fun!! Oh my God, FUN. I almost forgot what FUN is really like. Being around people, and laughing and telling old stories and bad jokes and meeting new people and not even wondering if you fit in, because you just do. And then staying up late and LAUGHING so hard that you almost lose your voice. It's so good to feel alive again.

What's Left of Me

These are some of the lyrics from the new song by Nick Lachey... or the ex Mr. Jessica Simpson

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
What's left of me
--------------

This morning I decided to give this song a listen. Apparently Nick is finally getting some attention to his music, now that he's been spectacularly dumped. And so I listened to the song and I found myself feeling sorry for poor rich gorgeous Nick. All screwed up and 'half a man'.

And it made me think about all the 'half men' I have fallen for. And the realization that perhaps that is my problem. Well, I guess I've always KNOWN it, but you know what I mean. I guess it's the co-dependent about me that makes me want to 'save' broken down, 'half men'. And I know that even my husband had a truck load of baggage that I thought I could carry for him.

So this morning while I'm listening to the words.... Take what's left of this man...yeah, sounds peachy.... Make me whole once again...great, cause I don't have ENOUGH to do....now I'm broken and I'm fading....and you feel you can be in a relationship-WHY???...I'm half the man I thought I would be...NOT A GOOD SELLING POINT...but you can have what's left of me.

Fucken GREAT!!!! Can't wait....

And I thought to myself that I don't WANT half a man. Why would (or DID) I ever want HALF a man?? What kind of crazy f'ed up thinking do I have that says I don't deserve a man who already IS what he's aspired to be?? What kind of half assed, backwards, low self-esteem load of crap did I sign on to that says that I had to be the saver of the broken ones. It was never my job, but I was always willing to do that. I was an idiot.

I was broken, and I am working on fixing myself. I am not asking anyone to make me whole again.

My life and myspace.

So I'm done with school for the semester!! Finally. Finals took three weeks, I thought I was going to go crazy, but it's done for the summer and I can't tell you how much better I have slept in the last three nights being done with it. I am not taking any summer classes since my son is moving in June and I want to be around to hang out and spend time with him.

So yes. My son Alex, is moving with his dad when school is out. To North Carolina. It was a really really REALLY tough decision to make, but in the end, I think it will be good for him. I can't imagine what it's going to be like, having him so far away- and I think I'm kind of in denial about it. My step daughter is also moving this summer, to Colorado with her mom and step dad. So my husband and I are losing our two oldest kids this summer, far too early. Way earlier than we ever thought that we would. It is actually helping us become a little more of a couple. We have common misery. We struggle with supporting the other person anymore- but right now- we both seem to be going through the same thing- so it helps. He is the only one who I can really understand what I'm going through, because we are BOTH losing our kids. It's not just me, or just him. This is something that is happening to our family. And unlike things that have happened to our family BEFORE, it's not the fault of one person, it's just life. And we are trying to work through it together the best way we know how.

I got a myspace page. I have no idea why. I had a profile so I could search and look for my friends who had one, so now I have one and my friends daughter helped me set it up. The song I have on there rocks, except it's got bad language so turn your speakers down. "Crazy Bitch" is a good song, even though it's vulgar and kind of degrades women. It still has a nice groove to it, and kind of makes you want to dance. So forgive me for having bad taste, but I like it anyway. It's kind of like Baby's Got Back- you can't help but like it and want to dance to it, even though it's kind of tasteless and tacky. Anyway, if you have a myspace page and you want me to add you and I don't exactly know you by name, tell me you know me from here, and I'll be glad to add you- but I keep getting these creepy friend request emails from guys who want to know how "HOT" I am. Yeah, losers... I want to deal with you, sure. But I will assume that the readers of this blog are decent minded human beings who are twisted enough to handle some vulgarity and some offensive jokes. And if you are wondering about my "Headline", it's from Dane Cook who is a comedian who I just love to death and makes me laugh until my sides hurt.

So now that school is done, and I'm less committed for a while- I'm hoping to start going to meetings again. Get back into my program, perhaps balance myself back out. But I'm happy lately. I'm feeling ok. I am having fun in my life right now, and trying not to let every little thing break my spirit. I'm going to be losing alot, giving up alot, in the upcoming months. I don't know how I'm going to handle it all. My doctor put me on some antidepressant/ antianxiety meds. It's about time somebody paid attention to the chest pains I've been having for years. The are helping, I guess. The anxiety/panic attacks are less severe and less often. They help me sleep at night- by the end of the day I am DEAD TIRED- and it's hard for me to stay up too late. During the day I feel like I have a little more energy. So that is a plus.
I can't complain about much right now. Life isn't perfect, but it sucks less than it has in the past.

Mothers Day

To my friends who are moms:

I have been thinking alot this past month what it means to be a mom. The things that we go through and the struggles we face. I have so many wonderful women in my life who I have learned so many things from. So many that have inspired me and in my mind, in my heart, my friends are a part of me, and I a part of them.

I always wanted to write a book about me and 4 of my best friends. They are different women who are only connected through me, and who only know of each other by name and perhaps a few chance meetings. My sister, my best friend since high school, my best friends since kindergarten, and my best friend since birth practically (who I have not spoken to in many years, incidentally). Even now when I think of the 5 of us, I think of how drastically different our lives are, and as women, friends, wives and mothers- we have so much knowledge to offer.

But spreading out my circle, I can see that all of my girlfriends have something amazing and wonderful to offer.

We have struggled together. We have struggled with having babies. We have safrificed alot to get pregnant, we have gone thru procedures and tests and pills and calendars- calculated our ovulation period, asked our husbands to give 'samples'. We have cried over pee sticks, sitting in the bathroom on the phone to each other, "There's two lines!" always crying, sometimes for different reasons. We complained to each other about sciatica, strech marks, cravings, and moodswings, having to buy maternity underwear, nursing bras, and pants with 'the panel'. We laughed together, and cried together- held each others babies in our own hands, holding them so close to our hearts and loving them as much as we love each other.

We have held each others hands, one of us in labor, the other one supporting. Both of trying not to laugh while the woman down the hall is screaming blood murder as if she is giving birth to a tire, and not a 7 pound child. We have fed ice chips, and wiped our sweaty brows, talking about how beautiful the baby is. We have taught each other how to swaddle, how to nurse, some good tips on burping, a few nursery rhymes, and about the magic of the 'boppy pillow', we have shared recipes, secrets, and baby clothes. We have called at 4AM, both of us up, nursing. We have figured out that just a little bit of cereal in the bottle will NOT choke the baby, and WILL make him sleep a little longer.

We have learned, and laughed over the knowledge that nursing one baby while spoonfeeding another is not only possible, but sometimes a necessity. We have given advice about the best babyfood, the best diapers, the best wipes, and the best diaper rash cream. We have oooh and aaahed over thousands of baby pictures. Here's one of her sleeping in her chair, here's one of him sleeping with his dad, here's one of her sleeping in her bed, here's one of him sleeping on the couch.

We have loved thier fathers, learning that our life is not whole without them. We have left thier fathers, knowing that sometimes the best we can do for is run for our lives. Sometimes we married them because it was the right thing to do, sometimes we left them, for the same reason. We have cried over bassinets, and cribs overwraught with emotion. Joy, sadness, regret, guilt. We have done the very best we knew how.

We have admitted, sometimes only to ourselves that we were not up to the task. That we could not take another day of tantrums, another sleepless night, another nursing session, another 'accident'. We have been viciously protective, and sometimes dangerously careless. We have gone home crying to our own mothers.

We have been through firsts together. First teeth, first haircuts, first sickness, first emergency room visit, first ear infections, first surgeries. We have shared our joys and fears and supported each other with the only words that really matter, "I understand."

We have struggled, and been there for each other. We have given advice, and at times had to admit that we did not have any good or easy answers. We have held our children close, and we have let them go. We have shared the most amazing thing we will ever experience as women, we have talked about it all, at length and in great detail- the changes in our lives, our attitudes, our body, our sex drive, the shape of our breasts and the size of our feet.

We are forever changed- each of us someone different from the next, many of us, barely a shadow of the girls we used to be. Separated by our experience, and connected by our mutual experience.

My friends, the many women I have spoke about- and you know who you are. You have inspired me, taught me, and loved me. You have shared my life, and helped me love my boys as well as love myself.

Happy Mothers Day!!

Alot of shit going on.

My husband had a friend who used to say that all the time. Whenever you would ask her how she was doing, what's new, how come she didn't show up... "You know, I have alot of shit going on right now." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't??

Anyway, I DO have alot of things going on right now- and I should be studying, but I feel like I need to just do this therapeutic writing for me, cause while I am making notes for my class, I am thinking of things I could be writing... so here I am.

I did speak with my sponsor after a week of silence. She emailed me and called me the day after she sent the initial email- and it took me three days to stop being pissed, and then 4 more days to find a long enough block of time to call. She apoligized for including me on that email. She said that she had not realized, or forgot that I had been to a few meetings a week. She admitted that it was stupid for her to send out a blind email to all the girls she sponsors (there are only 4 of us). She admitted that she should not have even included me. She apoligized. She told me she didn't want to lose my friendship. That she was wrong.

I told her that I had been very hurt, and very angry. That I felt it was impersonal and out of the blue. We talked about it. I forgive her. I have forgiven people I like LESS for infractions much worse. People make mistakes. What I think I liked the most about this whole event (and what I like about HER) was that she didn't push me to talk to her until I was ready, that she admitted that she was wrong, and that she told me that I had every right to be angry with her about it. She didn't even try to make an excuse. "What I did was wrong and you have every right to be mad at me about it." I love people who take responsibility without being asked to. And people make mistakes, and do and say really stupid things- that doesn't make them BAD people.

For instance, last week, in an argument I was having with my mother (for another post) I made a comment about my husband in which I not ONLY threw him under the bus, I was driving it- and ran him over- backed up, and ran him over again...circled the block and thump thump, one more time to make sure he's flat. And I immediately regretted having said it- and even though he was not there to HEAR me say what I said, I did tell him, and apoligized. I was angry and trying to make a point, and I just threw ugly words out there. I felt lousy for it. Lousy enough that I didn't have the good sense to keep it to myself.

I am in the middle of finals right now. Middle, but I still have two test, two papers and presentation due this week. How can this be the middle?? I am overwhelmed. I have six days and that is not enough time to study and write and prepare. Part of me just wants to say forget it, and give up!! Screw it. But I have worked hard to keep my grades up. There's no point in screwing it up now. I am not taking any classes this summer- so I will have a break very soon. JUST ONE MORE WEEK!!!! I can do this.

My best friend just finished nursing school!! She's been at it for 5 or 6 years I think. She moved 3 times, once from Texas to Indiana. She had a baby in the middle. And now she's got her degree for an RN. A nurse!! I am so proud of her. She has been one of my biggest supporters, and an inspiration. She deserves to stop struggling financially and be able to support her family. She's been my best friend the day we met in 9th grade and I would not last a day without her. Congratulations Carrie- you amaze and inspire me and I love you sister!!!

Finals and endings

Well this has been an incredibly exhausting weekend!!! I am so tired and it's not a good way to be considering I have two presentations, three finals, and one paper due in the next two weeks. I'm just trying to knock them out as they come along one at a time, not really giving me enough time to properly study for any ONE event.

Last night I took a nice break and took the babies to visit with my brothers girlfriend and that was really nice. I tend to not take them too many places, because it's just very tiring, but luckily she and her daughter were both very patient and played with them too. They had fun and were asleep before we hit the freeway ont he way home. I also go to burn like 15 of her CD's, so that was WAY cool and I have a whole new collection for my MP3 player and the car.

On Thursday of last week I had an issue come up with my sponsor regarding the number of meeting I am going to, my level of commitment to the program and a question of whether or not she plans to remain my sponsor. I was pretty upset by it, as I was under the assumption that she knew that I was taking in as many meetings as I could fit in- so this EMAIL came as somewhat of a suprise. But I was not going to question her boundaries, so I emailed her back, told her that I really cannot increase my "program intake" because I don't have the time, and if I do it "cause she says so" I will only resent her for it. She has since contacted me via email and a phone call and I have not called her or emailed her back yet. There really isn't a whole lot to say, I guess. I'm angry about it. It's not that I don't CARE what she has to say, of course I do, and in the second email and the voice mail, she suggested that perhaps she should not have sent it to ME (apparently she sent it to ALL the girls she sponsors!). I don't know. All I know is that I felt kind of rejected and misunderstood by someone who seemed to so convincingly tell me that she UNDERSTOOD why I was not going to as many meetings right now. She's human, and she did somewhat apoligize in her message. And I know that I should let it go- but the truth is, I am NOT working my program the way I know she would like me to so perhaps I will just consistently feel like I am disappointing her.

But it IS a program of suggestion and there are no rules to how many meetings you HAVE to go to. When I was participating in the online Al-Anon message board, I was VERY involved with that. Daily. And I had not stepped foot inside a meeting for a year, but you could not tell me I didn't have a program. Because daily I was sharing experience, strength, and hope with people in that group. Sometimes we talked on the phone to each other. Some of the girls sponsered each other. We talked about the steps, the traditions, we had 'group conscious' by way of online voting. The online message boards were never meant to substitute for meetings- but as long as you are getting the message... as long as we were benefiting from the gifts of the program- it's program.

I don't know, I'm twisted up about it. I don't know what the hell to do. Just like I don't have the time to go to a meeting, I don't have the time to deal with whatever I am feeling about this. Not right now. Even as it is, the 20 minutes it took to type this, I should have been getting the babies dressed so I can go pick up thier brother from his dad's...while I practice my presentation in the car.