I just want to wake up on December 26th and viola!- it's over.
Last year, Michael and I did not go anywhere for Christmas. Alex went to his dad's, but we opted to stay home both days. It seemed safer that way. Less chance for social anxiety.
Today, I miss my family, but I guess not enough to leave the house.
I am depressed today. It took me until about 3PM to really get motivated enough to stop falling asleep on the couch.
I am trying to wean off the Afrin that I've been using for 9 days now. The package says not to use it for more than 3. As if my cold symptoms will be gone in a mere 3 days. Of course I really don't have cold symptoms 9 days later, I just have irritated nasal passages from over use and the only thing that will open up my nose so I can breathe, is more freakin Afrin. My husband told me to lay off the Afrin because it's like I have a coke habit. There are 4 random bottles of Afrin around my house, and in my purse. And he hears me doing it in the middle of the night. I laughed. So now I'm just doing one side at a time, as needed (meaning I can't breathe), and only one spray. Not three sprays in each nostril regardless of which side needs it. I never noticed before the medicine rush you get from it, always just the amazing ability to breathe that makes me loyal. This morning I took Afrin, and then a benadryl. I slept for two hours. I didn't think much about taking both medicines together because I tend to not think of Afrin as medicine, just a way for me to keep breathing...
But I am depressed today. I just kept napping, and feeling quite lousy- even though there was really nothing physically wrong with me. I guess I can relate to why Michael just sleeps when he's depressed. That is all I want to do today. I feel tired, and achy and I FEEL feverish, but I don't have a fever. Outside of my irritated nasal passages (that I am certain are effects of the Afrin and not a cold) there is nothing physically wrong with me, the same way there is not usually anything wrong with him- but I'll be damned if I don't FEEL sick.
So here I will bust into program speak, cause that is what I have committed to do here...
But for the grace of God....
I do not feel this way every day. I do not go through days, weeks and months when I just want to sleep all the time. I would really hate feeling this way for more than a day or so. I was on the couch today, and Michael was caring for the kids and I was just asleep on the couch for no good reason other than that I was not motivated to even move to the bedroom. Michael goes through days like this and I just look at him and think, 'why won't you just move your sad ass to the bedroom?'- but today, he asked me to move into the bedroom, and I ignored him, not the same way he ignores me- and I didn't ignore him because he ignores me. I ignored him because I just did. I felt lousy and I didn't feel like moving because I knew that once I got up, I would really have no good reason to lay back down, and I wasn't ready to get up. I haven't felt this way since my short post-pardom stage.
Just stay immobile and the world can simply move around me.
But I have to be grateful that I am not afflicted with chronic depression. I am grateful that when I wake up, the day after tomorrow, I will feel just fine again. It's ok to be depressed, I just don't have to live here for 10 years.
So here I will make a gratitude list (5 items), because that is what I'm supposed to do when I'm feeling depressed. (Program has forever ruined misery for me)
1. I'm grateful for my friends. Right now I truly feel that I have some good friends in my life. When I leave my job in two weeks, I know there are a handful of people who I will truly make efforts to stay in touch with. People who I will truly miss and I will make efforts to keep in touch with.
2. I'm grateful for my program. I have been letting it slide lately. Forgetting who my higher power is, and allowing other side issues in my life to become my higher power.
3. I'm grateful that I do not suffer from chronic depression.
4. I am grateful that Alex is having a great Christmas with his dad.
5. I am grateful that my younger boys will have some presents to open on Christmas morning and they are too young to care that we never did put that damn tree up.
just keep breathin girl, it's almost over....
2 comments:
hang in there,
christmas has this way of getting the girls in my group down as well. your gratitude list is inspiring me. you're a wonderful mom, and a great growing person in recovery.
this new year will bring new beginings.....
cheers,
t
Julie, I have never walked in your shoes but I also am hurting this Christmas season. I have the fun childhood memories of Christmas past but for me that was many years ago. I have good memories of raising my two sons and 30+ Christmas' of that and now there are grandkids. But this year one of our chairs around the table is empty as my wife, who had been with me for the last 37 Christmas seasons, died in July.
This is a change that we did not plan on and did not want, but it happened. I am trying to make this a good Christmas season for the kids and grandkids and I am beginning to learn how the rest of my life will go, with me alone. I have found a lot of help from friends and my church. You have your group and friends - perhaps adding church would help?
I enjoyed your blog and have read the archives for Sep as well as the current entries for this month. I found you through the link from your comment on Lisa' Bored Housewife blog today. I will return to read archives for Oct and Nov and look forward to following you through your writing, which I find interesting and well done. You have some challenges but seem to be working on them. Keep up the good work. I hope the new year will bring better things for both of us.
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