My slip

I will start out by asking, please comment so I know someone is reading this. It's good for my ego...

When an an addict slips, they drink or use drugs or whatever mild altering substance of choice. Thier program consists of doing whatever it takes to stay sober. When an Al-Anon slips, we drop our program. Whatever our program consists of: going to meetings, letting go of control, keeping our mouth shut, refraining from joining the argument, detachment, not enabling etc. It always seemed strange to me to call behavior that is not in line with my program ' a slip', the same way it would be a slip for Michael to drink or use drugs. The end result does not seem equal. For Michael to drink would sure wind him up in the hospital, pancreatits and pain and vomitting out the wazoo- literally. For me to miss meetings, be a bitch, join the fight, or take care of his responsibilitles- it does not do quite as much harm to me- or at least it seems.
But then, it does harm me though, because just like he becomes altered, irrational and even a little unstable, so do I. And while his drunk does not seem to equal the hate and venom that comes spewing out of me- I guess it depends on who you ask.
The fighting is getting really ugly, and I have to control myself and not fly off the handle over every little thing. I have to practice detachment, and remember what is and is NOT important. It's over, we are both agreed that it's over, so what is left to fight about? I think I just want to make sure, before he goes, he knows just how angry I am. How disappointed I am. And that all of it is HIS fault. (writing it out, really makes me sounds like such a victim...ughhh) He said that I am selfish, and that I pay for the boys, but I don't raise them (I'm not even GOING there right now...) He called me a bitch and my response was that he if he thinks I'm a bitch now- just wait. Threats, and nastiness. And the boys. My precious babies seeing or hearing it all. I hate that. Acting this way throws everything off balance. The boys suffer, one way or the other. I can take it, they should not have to. So that was my slip. Last night a conversation turned ugly- really fast, and escalated to screaming and name calling. Guns drawn and I refuse to back down. I refuse. I have not fought back, at least not hard enough in 5 years. It never ever ever turns violent, but he gets in my face and my first thought is "hit me, mother fucker I DARE you."

Now...why???

Why in the hell would I even think that?? I may outweigh him....ughhhh.... but he's strong and at this point pretty pissed off and I'm sure he could send me flying halfway across the street if he was so inclined. I have no idea why I become bulletproof at the moment that I really SHOULD be backing up.
But I will not back up, or back down. I will not allow myself cry or appear the slightest bit hurt or vulnerable by what he says. I will NOT lose anything to him, from my heart, ever ever again. I guess though, that staying strong, doesn't have to mean screaming and becoming a hateful person- because then I am losing something.
While he can give up his sobriety, I give up my serentiy. My side of the street is no longer clean, but littered with bad language, hateful remarks, insults and rage. (this is the point when I wish I had bigger vocabulary...)
The pamphlet "the alcoholic speaks to his family" says: Denial is a symptom of my disease.
I have to remember these things. Denial. He is is so much denial about his life. It's part of his disease. Denial is a symptom of his disease. Denial is a symptom of his disease. He has a disease. A program will help him, but he doesn't have one.
I have to remember that I DO have a program. And I have to work it, otherwise I am as good as drunk I guess.
I don't know where in the progam, "walking out" fits in....but I think it has something to do with protecting yourself. Putting yourself first. "Don't be a doormat." I remember Dr. O, a fantastic shrink I had, whenever I used to say something to which he thought I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of, he would sing "doormaaaaaaaaaat" at me. I always thought that was funny. He told me, back in 2000- be careful, he's very stuck in his disease and it will take alot more than he is currently willing to do to get out from under that. He may not always be physically addicted, but he will always be sick and he doesn't currently seem the type to do the kind of hard HARD work it takes to be well.
I should have listened to my doctor.
I should have listened to my sisters.
I should have listened to my friends.
I should have listnend to my mom.
There's no use in crying over it now.

Just wake me when it's over.