Monday Monday....

This is what joy looks like. Look how damn happy these boys are. How can you not be happy in a swimming pool. In November. Jeez, nothing fills my heart like my boys. I have three boys. My oldest does not do these cute things like the little ones do. My oldest son does other things, like plays with the little ones, so I can go into the other room and lay down for 20 minutes because I have a splitting headache. He helps build things with my dad. He tells me that it doesn't matter to him what I decide, as long as I'm happy. He's unfiltered and he's honest. My boys are precious and loving. I hope that people think they learned that from me.
So my sponsor, who I adore (I cannot stop saying that) mentioned that World Service was looking for writers to 'write their stories' for publication. I think I may inquire into that. I think it would be good for me to share my story in a way that protects my anonymity, cause this blog really doesn't...but it's a 12th step thing. I explained to a friend of mine the 12th step...carry the message and practice principles in all my affairs. I don't know if I do that- but I guess this blog is about carrying the message. I am excited about the comments I get (more comments, more comments- I don't care who you are!!)- and knowing that people are reading my blog from all over the world. Hong Kong, Singapore, the Netherlands (hey- I'm Dutch/Indo- so that's cool to me). I hope that people don't think I'm full of crap. I'm trying to be a good example of program- and putting it out in a 'public' way, helps me keep the focus on the steps and the principles, and NOT just me bitching about my husband, my kids, my job or my life. I find that while I'm writing, the answers come to me when I try to apply the steps and principles. I find the steps amazing. I find thier order appropriate and thier meaning very liberating. It's about letting go of the bullshit and just living right. Not perfect not even saved but just right. I think what kept me away from God was the fact that I never felt like I lived right. I was not living up to my potential, I was making bad choices. I was not good enough. God did not make sense to me- I didn't understand him, or know what he wanted from me.
Then I heard an AA speaker, Ed M. And his story absolutely amazed me. I emailed him, and he shared with me his thoughts about God, about faith, and about forgiveness. He changed my life. Truly changed my life. And I think what amazed me the most, is that he just started living right. That eventually his heart opened to these steps and things started happening for him. And so his story an his sharing his life with me, made me believe just a little, that perhaps there was something to this God thing. And I started to believe just that much. And slowly things began to change for me. I don't know if religion, or church has what I need. I don't know if organized religion has all the answers- if anything it only leads me to more questions, but for me- the answers to me, to my questions about what will make me a good and useful person are in the steps. Program or no program. Religion or no religion, God, Higher Power, Divine Spirit, whatever. It doesn't matter. The first few steps get you right with whatever your higher power is, the next few get you right with you, and the last steps get you right with everyone else (it was explained to me this way). Applying the steps helps me stay right. Live right. Living right- it's a damn good place to start.