Went to my meeting

I am glad that I went to my meeting today. It was on the 12th step and while I'm not there yet, it is always good to hear other people share how far they've come. I didn't open my mouth, as nothing but word vomit was going to come out. Michael and I had a nasty fight tonight and I'm sure it is only the first of many. He said that I need to help him move out and that I OWE him that. My response was that I don't owe him a fucking thing. However, I will help him move out because it may the the only way that I can ensure that he actually LEAVES. It was ugly. Alot of mean things thrown around- below the best stuff. Nothing that I"m proud of- but nothing that I would particularly take back.
In the meeting I thought again about the 200 to 1 theory. And really, it's just the ONE. Just this one person who makes me feel so lousy about myself. He said tonight that he doesn't know what he was thinking when he married me, he must have been drunk. Now while it was mildly funny, and totally true- it was very hurtful, I admit. I know that he was just TRYING to hurt me, and be ironic at the same time. I didn't have any quick answer for that one. I didn't even try. I eventually left the house early for my meeting because it was not going to get any LESS ugly and we were yelling at each other right in front of the kids. I feel awful about that. I don't know who was less of an adult tonight, although I'm sure by morning I will hve convinced myself it was me... Either way, I think that things will just continue to get worse between us. I was angry when I got home because the house was really a disaster. You could tell that there was NO attempt to pick up ANYTHING and it almost seemed as if he tried to make it MORE messy. I really don't think that I should be expected to come home and clean house when I have to work full time, sell Avon, and go to school full time (in which I am taking out student loans out my ass to make up for his lost income)- and then come how and do dishes!!!
He used to complain about his ex. And that he used to work one or two jobs, and he'd come home and the house was a mess, she'd leave the kids with him- and then she's just complain all the time. Sound familiar?? I want to tell him that. That he has become the exact description of what he said she was like. I have no idea if she really WAS like that- but that is just what he told me and he said he always hated it. And now he has become exactly what he hates. hmmmm.
Anyway he commented about how bad of a housecleaner I am. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock- you've been married to me for 6 years- did you JUST figure that out?? But you know, I work. I have worked full time, gone to school and did home shows to keep this family afloat as best as I could. Why can't he just keep the house clean. It's what would be expected of ANY non working grown up who soaks up more half of the families resources.
Well, whatever I did some of the dishes and perhaps I will do more tomorrow. I just can't stand looking at them anymore- and I'm ready to just throw them out...
Well I have alot of homework to do, and I'm exhausted. So I"m going to shake off this horrible fucking night. Do some homework, take a Xanax, and get some much needed sleep
...on the couch.