Resentments and anxieties

The C2C reading was about resentments "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim", ODAT's reading was about anxiety "We need to erase useless anxieties from our hearts and minds." The theme seems to be, "Get over it." And why, because holding on to the bad stuff keeps me held back. It keeps me from growing and keeps me from forgiving. And not forgiving keeps me angry, and being angry keeps me crazy. Now, I realize, after years and years of program and conversation and meditation and prayer- why this makes sense. But every once in a while, I open my book and read one of these pages that say that my anxiety and my resentment is MY problem and I just think, "why am I being blamed for this???" Why should I get over it, when some days I feel SO justified to be so pissed off?? I know the reasons... but some mornings, I just close the book and think, "oh no- not today. Today I am not going to take responsibility for this and I'm just going to be justifiably resentful" And some days, that's ok.
Michael pulled out the Christmas ornaments and said later he will pull out the Christmas tree. Christmas is in 8 days. 8 days. I have no idea how I am going to afford presents, and truly- I just don't care. It sounds awful. We have a big 7 foot tree in my office that I decorated, I water and turn the lights on every day. I listen to holiday music and try to be in the spirit. But really- I have no desire to do that here. There is going to be a 7 foot TREE in my house in which my boys will get under, try to climb on, it will look funky because we will put all the unbreakable ornaments on the bottom, and every day we will have to redecorate the bottom two feet from where the babies have pulled off the ornaments. I have no presents to put under the tree, and I guess I'm resentful that I have to figure out a way to get some under there!!! I will do some shopping tomorrow, because I do have the means to put some presents under the tree. I think Alex is old enough for a gift card. I swear that is all he wants. Money for video games. I always told him that we will have Christmas in January, cause I just can't afford it right now. I have a fake tree- fuck it, we can keep it up until February!!! It's not going to DIE. The babies don't NEED any more toys, I swear, there are SO many damn toys here. I can buy them clothes... they won't know the difference. I can just go and buy some little toys for them, cars and boats and socks (they NEED socks) and they will be happy to tear paper off of things. I have to remember that the little ones don't need anything fancy. And unfortunately there is very little I can do about the horrendous holiday 'greed' that Alex's dad has instilled in him. That is why he goes to his dad's for Christmas, because he has set up this precedence of buying him everything he wants- it's maddening and it's absolutely impossible for me to do that- because I can't afford it, and I just won't do it. It drives me crazy, but he is going to have to keep that up. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for letting his dad have him every year on Christmas morning, but I would really hate to see the look of disappointment on Alex's face when he does not find over $500 worth of presents under the tree, just for him.
So I am trying not to have a bitchy Christmas. Trying not to feel bad for being broke. Trying not to remember the years of bad Christmases. Today I guess is a good day to work on letting go of resentments and anxieties. It's Christmastime, and God knows I have alot of them.
Here is a Christmas memory that is a good one...
Back before my mom became a Jehovah's Witness and we used to celebrate Christmas...She would be at work, and we would all be waiting for her to come home so we could decorate the Christmas tree. We had this huge tree. In my memory it was like 10 feet tall, but in reality it was probably only 7. It was flocked. And I guess one night we would put the tree up- and my mom would put the lights on and then the next night we would wait for her to come home from work and decorate it. So she would come home, and we'd put on Christmas Music. My mom loved "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" so when I hear that song, I see my mom, in her red apron dress hanging up ornaments on the big flocked, 10 foot Christmas tree.
It's a good memory. It makes me smile. Life seemed simpler. I suspect she worried about the same things, how was she going to put gifts under the tree for 4 kids. I'm sure I'm not to only one worrying about this right now.
I just have to let it go. Pray about it first, and let it go. Let God take care of Christmas and all my bills. Damn, why is that always the last thing I think to do?? How much time do I spend in program before I remember to pray about the things that are troubling me???