Today is about courage

"In spite of all we have learned in A.A., our old way of thinking comes back on us, sometimes with overwhelming force, and occasionally some of us have slips. We forget or refuse to call on the Higher Power for help. We seem to deliberately make our minds a blank so far as A.A. training goes, and we take a drink. We are temporarily right back where we started from."
I have alot of fear about today. It's a day I have been looking forward to for years, and absolutely dreading for months. I'm quitting my job today- giving my notice of resignation. I'm terrified to face my boss and the managers in my office. I don't want anyone to be angry at me. More than facing people about it, I'm afriad of the change. I'm afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone and moving on to a new chapter in my life. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm falling behind in my homework. I am so scared about all the changes coming up. What I haven't done about this, however, is pray. I don't know why I FORGET to do that. When I really need it most, prayer is the one thing that comes to me last. In crisis, I drop my program, I push away my Higher Power. I guess that is normal for someone like me, who is not a generally spiritual person. I've been awake since 4AM- and the first thing I thought of was "In 4 hours, I'm going to do it."
It's not personal. It's business. It's just a job. My relationship with my work is mutual. I work and they pay me. There are no favors between the two. And people come and go- it's nothing new. But it's been a long time. 8 years I have been seeing these people. So today I need courage. I need the courage to believe that I'm moving on to something better for me. A better opportunity. More money. Closer to home. Flexible schedule. All the things that I need and want. This new job is everything that I want right now. And I deserve that. So why am I so afraid to move forward??? You'd think I'd be running out the door, but I'm so nervous about what I'm leaving behind. My friends think I'm crazy. That it should not matter- just give two weeks, and be gone. perhaps they are right, but I can't leave things undone. I'm giving a month. That seems fair. They gave me years to catch up. There were years there, when Michael was drinking, that I would come in to work late- leave early.... I was such a mess. I cried all day. My work was lousy. And every week they let me come back. It's been a long time since then, and of course my work ethic got much better as I got stronger. But I do feel that I owe something to these people, for being good to me when I was broken. For not firing me when I should have been fired. For realizing that I was raising a family (virtually on my own) and allowed me some slack. So I'm going to do my best to make sure that the transition is smooth. That is what I feel good doing. That is what feels fair to me.
I just have to make it through today. Not even the whole day, just the first few hours. I will tell my boss at 8. Leave the letters for the other managers I am notifying, and then get through the morning, when they will, surely ask questions. And then it's over. The hard part is over. By lunchtime, it will be over. That is 6 hours from now. I can live through the next 6 hours for sure. Just one hour at a time. Once I can tell my co-workers, I will feel better, because they will support me- and encourage me. And congratulate me. It's just getting past the first part. The first step is always the hard one.
The first step in the 12 steps is admitting that I am powerless. I can't control thier reactions to what I say. All I can do is say it, and then I have to let the rest go. My part is not to control how they (my managers) feel, what they think or what they say to me, or each other. That is not my deal. Thier reactions are not my responsibility nor can I do anything to change them. I just have to say my part- thoughtfully and respectfully- and let the rest go. I have drafted a really good, positive resignation letter, expressing regret and gratitude. I set aside any of the feelings of anger or frustration that I've felt regarding the incident that happened over the summer (which is what ultimately led me to the decision to leave). So I am doing my part, which is being honest, professional, and courteous. And if they take it badly, or they get angry at me- well that is not for me to decide. I have to let that go. Don't project about it. Walk through it. I know that this is the best thing for me to be doing for myself. I have to keep that in mind. I'm not leaving to spite anyone. I'm leaving because this is the best thing for me to be doing for the rest of my life. I have to remember that. This is me, taking care of ME. Maybe that's why it's so hard, I don't usually do that.
Time to start getting ready for my day. Just one hour at a time....