Bad night

When my life gets out of control, I feel like a failure. Everyone tells me how great I'm doing, how I have so much to deal with. I try to tell them, jokingly, that I don't do it very well- but I'm not kidding. My life feels so out of order right now. I just finished three classes and I have one more I can make up work on to pass- and I don't even want to bother with it. I just don't care....
I have 10 days to finish my work at Celtic before I leave there forever, and I just want to push it all in to the shredder and say 'screw it'. My house is a mess. Worse than a mess. I don't even know where to begin with it. How do I choose which room to start at? And when the kitchen takes two days to just do the dishes, you KNOW that it's gone too far. I can't succeed in one thing without dropping another.
I left the house last night and called my friend and cried to her on the phone that I simply wanted to run away from home and never come back because I'm a fraud...I am afraid that I will not be able to take care of these kids on my own. I can't succeed in school without neglecting my children, I can't take care of the younger kids without neglecting the older one. I can't keep my house presentable, forget CLEAN. I can't keep the electricity on and keep food in the fridge at the same time. This is NOT the picture of 'holding it together'- I'm clearly doing a shitty job.
And so in the midst of my breakdown, she stopped me- and told me 'that's Michael talking. You have let him become the voice in your head'. Perhaps she's right. He is the one who always tells me that I'm lousy at this, and lousy at that. He is always right there to point out my mistakes. Perhaps she's right, that's all he's got. His only defense is to make me feel inadequate, and he's good at it. I always gave him too much power over me. Sometimes the way I feel about myself still stems from how he feels about me.
Yesterday I ran the microwave and the toaster oven at the same time- and of course shorted out the breaker. I KNEW it might happen, but it was a just for two minutes, so I thought maybe it'd be ok. And he gave me this look that said, "you are so stupid" and he shook his head at me. It was so minor, but he won. I felt stupid and inadequate and pathetic considering I was making dinner for my kids in the microwave and toaster oven to begin with.
Once I got the kids to bed, I tried to do some writing, but I was upset, and tired. So instead of tackling the mountain of dishes, I fell asleep on the couch. I just wanted to cover my head with the blankets and sleep- so I did. This dishes can wait one more day...