Waiting for a resolution

I love Postsecret . It's so interesting to me. In Al-Anon we say we are as sick as our secrets. We all have them. Things we are ashamed of, secret thoughts. Things we daydream about. Perhaps these types of confessions, take away a little bit of the 'sickness'. There is a person from my past, someone I loved and hated- who adored me, and used me. And I think about him, every single day of my life. Not these memories of longing, or old feelings of love OR hate- but at some point, he creeps up in my mind. Every single day. A song on the radio, a street corner, or a restaurant. It's weird. But I think we all have these memories. These events that have touched our lives for the good or bad, that we never really tuck away and never think about again.
Yesterday I was talking with my sister about resolution. Why we hang on to the anger and why we can't just let it go. What are we waiting for? We are waiting for the "I'm sorry". We are waiting to be told that it wasn't our fault, that we DID all we could do. That we were NOT bad wives or girlfriends, bad mothers, bad lovers. That it was THEM. We want the confession "I'm one who screwed it all up, and I'm so so sorry." And until we get it, we will always be angry. And even IF we get it, we won't believe he means it. It never makes it Ok.
We get damaged. Nobody heals us. That is what this picture reminded me of. It will never be ok for this person to get that call. It will never away the pain. I'm sorry is not enough. I have told Michael time and again that I don't CARE that he's sorry. It means nothing, but I still want to hear him say it. Why? So I can tell him it's not enough I guess.....
I'm thinking as I'm writing this, that in the end it's about forgiveness. Forgiving those who have wronged us for not being what we expect them to be. I want to forgive Michael for the damage he's done to my heart. I want to forgive him, so I can just stop feeling this way. This frustration and unsettledness. I think I have always related forgiveness with acceptance. I forgive you, and what you did is now OK with me, so lets continue on. But that is not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness does not mean that what you did is ok. It means that I choose not to be angry about it anymore. I choose to NOT let it run my life. I think right now, I'm afraid to forgive, because I think I will go back to the old ways and forgive ("what you did is now OK with me") and we will 'work things out' and nothing will change, and my heart will be ripped out once again. I can't let THAT happen, and it's because I have a distorted concept of forgiveness. Or at least how to apply it.
I think though, that forgiveness is the only resolution. It's the only way to move past the hurt. The only way to restore your sanity- to put the pieces of your broken heart back together. Forgiveness is not giving up or getting over it. It's just choosing not to let it hurt you anymore. I don't know how to do that. Right now, I guess I am just stuck NOT forgiving. Because he still hurts me, and what he's done still hurts- and if I let go of that hurt, then I will let him back in. And I can't do that anymore.