One Day at a Time

Todays reading is about waiting before we make a major decision, visualizing the outcome to all people involved and examining my own faults in the situation.
When I read things like I always think it's a message from my higher power, telling me to STOP what your doing...(cause I'm about to ruin, the method of rhyme that your used to.... sorry, had to bust into song.) But it's true. I'm starting to question the big changes that are happening.
My last day at my new job is in one week. I am going to start cleaning out my desk, maybe come in to work on Saturday and take down all my personal stuff- so next week I can start training my replacement and walk out next Friday with just my purse. I don't want to leave here with a box of my personal belongings and tears in my eyes. I need to start the break now. But I am starting to worry. Starting to wonder if I am making a huge mistake. I am going to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep moving forward and not think about the rest of my life, or even the rest of the month. Just get up every day and live that day to the best of my ability.
I was also faced with guilt about Michael last night. I am not exactly sure what happened but I am apparently being blamed for him not having anyone to talk to. He had some sort of argument with his family and it seems they are offering him help that he is not too eager to take. I didn't press him for too much information because he was angry. But the jist of it, was that it was my fault for something he claims I said to his mom, but I didn't say anything she didn't already know. But I felt guilty, because nobody wants to be alone, it sucks to FEEL alone. And I know that he is.
My sponsor did not answer the phone, so I called a friend- someone who I knew would give me a straight answer and not let me backslide. I heard what I needed to hear...it's NOT my fault. It is not my fault that he has alienated himself. I cannot take responsibility for his every emotion, even if I want to.
So this morning, when I read that page in my book- my initial thought was, "hmmmm am I considering everything? Perhaps if was a little bit nicer...perhaps if I was not in school and was a better wife...maybe maybe maybe."
But then I remembered that I HAVE considered everything. I have tried to be patient, I have tried being kinder, gentler. I have my problems, but in this marriage I am NOT THE PROBLEM. The problems lie with him. His inability to take care of himself. He refusal to take care of his health, not working, and not contributing as a functional part of this family. It's not about love, it's about survival. And I can't survive here.
I can't enable him any more. I can't feed my co-dependent ego by rescuing him because I am not helping him and only hurting myself. I have to keep telling myself that. Co-dependency doesn't help anyone. Rescuing him is only prolonging whatever pain that will eventually cause him to seek help on his own.
Last night in my meeting we talked about accepting grief and pain. There was a woman there who talked about the loss of her son, and she was so honest and so brave. She was in so much pain, and she has no choice but to let go and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Her pain is so much greater, her loss is so much more. But she can be honest with herself. Feel the pain when it hits and do what it takes to walk through it. I have to just walk through it. My pain is not unique. My problems are not any different than the thousands of other families who suffer this disease. I just have to stay my course and keep on walking. It only hurts for a little while...

Christmas survey

Stole this from Venz... thanks!!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper
2. Real tree or artificial? A co-worker gave me an artificial tree last year because it was too big for her small apartment, I'm so grateful to have it. We didn't get it up this year... don't get me started.
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually two weeks before Christmas
4. When do you take the tree down? After the new year
5. Do you like egg-nog? I don't think so.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A teddy bear that I got from my step dad, Bill (who died 11 years ago). I named him Barney. I still have him. I once left him behind in Hawaii and had the hotel send him to my house. My mom stitched his legs up several times and he doesn't have a nose anymore.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, the first Christmas Michael and I spent together he said we needed to have one.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My brother Johnny.
9. Easiest person to buy for? Michael.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I have resorted to mailing them the last few years, but I took great joy the years that I handmade my cards and sent them out.
11. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Ref. It's freaking hilarious. I also love "The Santa Clause" and "Charlie Brown Christmas."
12. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't know.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? About two weeks before Christmas
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I think so.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? PIE and my aunt's fudge. I didn't get any this year.
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like both, but I think we have colored. My first Christmas tree had all red lights.
17. Favorite Christmas song? Rocking around the Christmas Tree- Brenda Lee, Winter Wonderland- Darlene Love (I think), and the once Charlie Brown song from Vince Guaraldi.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I would prefer to stay at home, but I don't have a house that accomodates my family and I miss my family something awful- so I travel locally when I can. I didn't see my family this year but I talked to my sisters and got and instant message from my brother from Iraq.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? only if I sing the song.
20. Do you have Jesus in your heart this Christmas? I'm trying.
21. What is your favorite Christmas tree ornament? Michael and I have two ornaments that are kind of reminiscent of the "us." A sun and a moon. We always put them on the same side of our tree- sort of facing each other. I have a feeling I will always do that.

Feel free to answer any or all of the questions too!!

Christmas morning

The boys are still sleeping. I am tempted to wake them, because we are going to my sister-in-laws place at 11:30, which is really prime nap time, so if I get Danny up, I can still give him a short nap before then. I was really hoping that it would be later. What time are we having DINNER that we have to be there at 11:30. I always hate eating "dinner" at 3, cause then we are stuffed, we get home, it's 7PM and we still have to eat....
Anyway, as soon as I'm done here I will get Danny up- and perhaps I can convince Michael that we don't leave until noon. It's not as if we can drive seperately. I don't really feel like going.
So one of my best girlfriends came by last night and dropped off presents for the boys. I guess about two each and something for me too. It was very nice of her and I'm grateful. So the boys will have a few presents to open, not as if they were expecting anything but hey, they have something to open. I already gave Michael the shoes I bought him, and I don't suspect he bought anything for me- even though he has had money in the week or so that he could have picked me up a pair of earrings or a book or a CD or something.... but that's ok. I don't really care. He doesn't go out of his way and buy gifts for me any other day of the year either.
I am wishing I could see my friends today and talk to them and see what's up. But I know they are all with family and overwhelmed with Christmas Cheer and I probably could not stomach it- nor would I want to spew out bad vibes at people.
I am feeling a little better this morning, except I still can't breathe. Damned Afrin.
Ok- program....
This mornings reading is "Let Go and Let God"- and the quote said, "I won't always look to God to help me when I'm too lazy to do my share of thinking."- "God helps those who help themselves."
Yes, I know and believe this. So what?- So I guess I'm going to get the kids up- let them open thier presents and play with them, I'm going to get in the shower, make the stuffing, and go to Christmas at my sister in laws house and be cheery. Act as if... Fake it till it feels good... Suit up and show up.... Perhaps if I do my part- be present and participate- it won't kill me. I will get a good meal and I won't be alone, nursing my misery. And who knows, I might even have some fun.
Merry Christmas all.

18 hours down, 30 hours to go.

I just want to wake up on December 26th and viola!- it's over.
Last year, Michael and I did not go anywhere for Christmas. Alex went to his dad's, but we opted to stay home both days. It seemed safer that way. Less chance for social anxiety.
Today, I miss my family, but I guess not enough to leave the house.
I am depressed today. It took me until about 3PM to really get motivated enough to stop falling asleep on the couch.
I am trying to wean off the Afrin that I've been using for 9 days now. The package says not to use it for more than 3. As if my cold symptoms will be gone in a mere 3 days. Of course I really don't have cold symptoms 9 days later, I just have irritated nasal passages from over use and the only thing that will open up my nose so I can breathe, is more freakin Afrin. My husband told me to lay off the Afrin because it's like I have a coke habit. There are 4 random bottles of Afrin around my house, and in my purse. And he hears me doing it in the middle of the night. I laughed. So now I'm just doing one side at a time, as needed (meaning I can't breathe), and only one spray. Not three sprays in each nostril regardless of which side needs it. I never noticed before the medicine rush you get from it, always just the amazing ability to breathe that makes me loyal. This morning I took Afrin, and then a benadryl. I slept for two hours. I didn't think much about taking both medicines together because I tend to not think of Afrin as medicine, just a way for me to keep breathing...
But I am depressed today. I just kept napping, and feeling quite lousy- even though there was really nothing physically wrong with me. I guess I can relate to why Michael just sleeps when he's depressed. That is all I want to do today. I feel tired, and achy and I FEEL feverish, but I don't have a fever. Outside of my irritated nasal passages (that I am certain are effects of the Afrin and not a cold) there is nothing physically wrong with me, the same way there is not usually anything wrong with him- but I'll be damned if I don't FEEL sick.
So here I will bust into program speak, cause that is what I have committed to do here...
But for the grace of God....
I do not feel this way every day. I do not go through days, weeks and months when I just want to sleep all the time. I would really hate feeling this way for more than a day or so. I was on the couch today, and Michael was caring for the kids and I was just asleep on the couch for no good reason other than that I was not motivated to even move to the bedroom. Michael goes through days like this and I just look at him and think, 'why won't you just move your sad ass to the bedroom?'- but today, he asked me to move into the bedroom, and I ignored him, not the same way he ignores me- and I didn't ignore him because he ignores me. I ignored him because I just did. I felt lousy and I didn't feel like moving because I knew that once I got up, I would really have no good reason to lay back down, and I wasn't ready to get up. I haven't felt this way since my short post-pardom stage.
Just stay immobile and the world can simply move around me.
But I have to be grateful that I am not afflicted with chronic depression. I am grateful that when I wake up, the day after tomorrow, I will feel just fine again. It's ok to be depressed, I just don't have to live here for 10 years.

So here I will make a gratitude list (5 items), because that is what I'm supposed to do when I'm feeling depressed. (Program has forever ruined misery for me)

1. I'm grateful for my friends. Right now I truly feel that I have some good friends in my life. When I leave my job in two weeks, I know there are a handful of people who I will truly make efforts to stay in touch with. People who I will truly miss and I will make efforts to keep in touch with.
2. I'm grateful for my program. I have been letting it slide lately. Forgetting who my higher power is, and allowing other side issues in my life to become my higher power.
3. I'm grateful that I do not suffer from chronic depression.
4. I am grateful that Alex is having a great Christmas with his dad.
5. I am grateful that my younger boys will have some presents to open on Christmas morning and they are too young to care that we never did put that damn tree up.

just keep breathin girl, it's almost over....

90% is is still an A

So, great news!! I cleaned my kitchen tonight. I was ready to blow it up- seriously. I could not take it any longer. I got home from work around 5ish, and just got to it. It's almost done. The only dishes left are ones that would not fit in the dishwasher, not even half a load. The counters are cleaned. The floor needs serious mopping, but at least it's swept. The trash is thrown out. All of it- trash can and all- right into the freakin dumpster!! We had this big 33 gallon trash can outside on the patio and it was just disgusting. That went into the dumpster too. I will buy a new kitchen trashcan. That one was gross. Until I buy a new one, I guess I will have to just be less lazy and walk the garbage the whole 12 steps to the dumpster!!

There were boxes of Christmas ornaments in the kitchen, I put them out on the patio. Tomorrow I will rebox them (since they were packed for shit when SOMEONE took down the tree last year, don't get me started) and put them back in storage. We aren't putting up the damn tree anyway- so they may as well go back in storage for next year- or maybe I will throw them out too and buy new ones for next year. So the kitchen is clean. 90% clean. I feel like I can breathe again.

Once the boys go to bed I will tackle the living room and perhaps the bedroom and my bathroom. I've got 4 days off work- I'm going to do SOMETHING constructive with it since I have no Christmas cheer and I've been crying half the fucking day to prove it. At least I was able to turn it into action and stop feeling so damn sad about it.

A-ha! The dishwasher is done. I don't want to slow down now.

Bad night

When my life gets out of control, I feel like a failure. Everyone tells me how great I'm doing, how I have so much to deal with. I try to tell them, jokingly, that I don't do it very well- but I'm not kidding. My life feels so out of order right now. I just finished three classes and I have one more I can make up work on to pass- and I don't even want to bother with it. I just don't care....
I have 10 days to finish my work at Celtic before I leave there forever, and I just want to push it all in to the shredder and say 'screw it'. My house is a mess. Worse than a mess. I don't even know where to begin with it. How do I choose which room to start at? And when the kitchen takes two days to just do the dishes, you KNOW that it's gone too far. I can't succeed in one thing without dropping another.
I left the house last night and called my friend and cried to her on the phone that I simply wanted to run away from home and never come back because I'm a fraud...I am afraid that I will not be able to take care of these kids on my own. I can't succeed in school without neglecting my children, I can't take care of the younger kids without neglecting the older one. I can't keep my house presentable, forget CLEAN. I can't keep the electricity on and keep food in the fridge at the same time. This is NOT the picture of 'holding it together'- I'm clearly doing a shitty job.
And so in the midst of my breakdown, she stopped me- and told me 'that's Michael talking. You have let him become the voice in your head'. Perhaps she's right. He is the one who always tells me that I'm lousy at this, and lousy at that. He is always right there to point out my mistakes. Perhaps she's right, that's all he's got. His only defense is to make me feel inadequate, and he's good at it. I always gave him too much power over me. Sometimes the way I feel about myself still stems from how he feels about me.
Yesterday I ran the microwave and the toaster oven at the same time- and of course shorted out the breaker. I KNEW it might happen, but it was a just for two minutes, so I thought maybe it'd be ok. And he gave me this look that said, "you are so stupid" and he shook his head at me. It was so minor, but he won. I felt stupid and inadequate and pathetic considering I was making dinner for my kids in the microwave and toaster oven to begin with.
Once I got the kids to bed, I tried to do some writing, but I was upset, and tired. So instead of tackling the mountain of dishes, I fell asleep on the couch. I just wanted to cover my head with the blankets and sleep- so I did. This dishes can wait one more day...

I posted that song yesterday for a few reasons. It's just a good song. I was watching 13 going on 30 and it was in that movie, and I so rarely hear Billy Joel songs in movies. It made me a little sad. I was singing along with the song, it just sort of made my heart sink a little bit. So I sat down and thought about the lyrics and wrote them out and decided that while I had always liked the song, I never really paid too much attention to the lyrics. Except one line, "You can get what you want, or you can just get old." But the whole song sort of made me think about life, and how it gets out of control. How we go through life, going through the motions- doing what we think we should do- what seems to be the logical next step. Are we true to our hearts?- or are we doing what just seems like the most logical and responsible thing to do. If you heart pulls you one direction, but logic pulls you another- which side wins out?
Logic tell me I am making the right decision to leave this relationship, and my heart tells me that I'm going to rip apart my children. Everyone tells me that they will be better for it in the long run, but I know that "the long run" is a pretty long ways away- and by then, in my opinion, you are just too old to blame your parents for your unhappy state. I see these babies and how attached they are to thier dad. And how I am just NOT as maternal as I wish I was. I am the logical one, the busy one, the stereotypical "dad", with boobs. Right NOW- I am sitting here, posting this- drinking my coffee, and HE is sitting with Gabe, who is sick right now, watching cartoons. Who is the better parent, and who is the better person? And when if comes to your children- which one should you be if you can't be both??

Vienna waits

Vienna- Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me
Why are you are still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic
on the borderline tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
you know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you.

Resentments and anxieties

The C2C reading was about resentments "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim", ODAT's reading was about anxiety "We need to erase useless anxieties from our hearts and minds." The theme seems to be, "Get over it." And why, because holding on to the bad stuff keeps me held back. It keeps me from growing and keeps me from forgiving. And not forgiving keeps me angry, and being angry keeps me crazy. Now, I realize, after years and years of program and conversation and meditation and prayer- why this makes sense. But every once in a while, I open my book and read one of these pages that say that my anxiety and my resentment is MY problem and I just think, "why am I being blamed for this???" Why should I get over it, when some days I feel SO justified to be so pissed off?? I know the reasons... but some mornings, I just close the book and think, "oh no- not today. Today I am not going to take responsibility for this and I'm just going to be justifiably resentful" And some days, that's ok.
Michael pulled out the Christmas ornaments and said later he will pull out the Christmas tree. Christmas is in 8 days. 8 days. I have no idea how I am going to afford presents, and truly- I just don't care. It sounds awful. We have a big 7 foot tree in my office that I decorated, I water and turn the lights on every day. I listen to holiday music and try to be in the spirit. But really- I have no desire to do that here. There is going to be a 7 foot TREE in my house in which my boys will get under, try to climb on, it will look funky because we will put all the unbreakable ornaments on the bottom, and every day we will have to redecorate the bottom two feet from where the babies have pulled off the ornaments. I have no presents to put under the tree, and I guess I'm resentful that I have to figure out a way to get some under there!!! I will do some shopping tomorrow, because I do have the means to put some presents under the tree. I think Alex is old enough for a gift card. I swear that is all he wants. Money for video games. I always told him that we will have Christmas in January, cause I just can't afford it right now. I have a fake tree- fuck it, we can keep it up until February!!! It's not going to DIE. The babies don't NEED any more toys, I swear, there are SO many damn toys here. I can buy them clothes... they won't know the difference. I can just go and buy some little toys for them, cars and boats and socks (they NEED socks) and they will be happy to tear paper off of things. I have to remember that the little ones don't need anything fancy. And unfortunately there is very little I can do about the horrendous holiday 'greed' that Alex's dad has instilled in him. That is why he goes to his dad's for Christmas, because he has set up this precedence of buying him everything he wants- it's maddening and it's absolutely impossible for me to do that- because I can't afford it, and I just won't do it. It drives me crazy, but he is going to have to keep that up. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for letting his dad have him every year on Christmas morning, but I would really hate to see the look of disappointment on Alex's face when he does not find over $500 worth of presents under the tree, just for him.
So I am trying not to have a bitchy Christmas. Trying not to feel bad for being broke. Trying not to remember the years of bad Christmases. Today I guess is a good day to work on letting go of resentments and anxieties. It's Christmastime, and God knows I have alot of them.
Here is a Christmas memory that is a good one...
Back before my mom became a Jehovah's Witness and we used to celebrate Christmas...She would be at work, and we would all be waiting for her to come home so we could decorate the Christmas tree. We had this huge tree. In my memory it was like 10 feet tall, but in reality it was probably only 7. It was flocked. And I guess one night we would put the tree up- and my mom would put the lights on and then the next night we would wait for her to come home from work and decorate it. So she would come home, and we'd put on Christmas Music. My mom loved "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" so when I hear that song, I see my mom, in her red apron dress hanging up ornaments on the big flocked, 10 foot Christmas tree.
It's a good memory. It makes me smile. Life seemed simpler. I suspect she worried about the same things, how was she going to put gifts under the tree for 4 kids. I'm sure I'm not to only one worrying about this right now.
I just have to let it go. Pray about it first, and let it go. Let God take care of Christmas and all my bills. Damn, why is that always the last thing I think to do?? How much time do I spend in program before I remember to pray about the things that are troubling me???

I thought this was a cool picture.
I stayed home from work sick today. Little germy kids got me sick!! So I decided that the office can live without me, and I took care of myself today. I took the day off, took my finals and laid on the couch for several hours. I plan on doing that for the remainder of the evening, and possible the entire weekend. Michael is feeling well and it's a perfect time for me to be sick as I think I can do it without any guilt, so I'm just going to take it easy and just NOT feel well- because I don't feel well and I rarely get the opportunity to actually BE sick because he is usually sick first, or more sick. sigh.... so while I can be sick, I will just be sick...and not try to be anything else.

How important is it?

There are alot of slogans in program. One Day at A Time, Keep Is Simple, Easy Does it, Think, Live and Let Live, Principles above Personalities. One that I have heard in meetings- is How important is it? IT's 5AM and that is what I'm thinking right now.
Last night I was told in not such a nice way that there is nothing to eat in the house. Now granted, I know that the choices are slim- but I do the absolute best I can and I just hope that the adults in the house realize that our first responsibility is to make sure the kids get fed, and we come second. It's perfectly logical- and EXPECTED to go to bed a little hungry just so long as my kids have food in thier bellies. So after realizing that I did not have my check book on me, I went to the store with the little bit of cash I had on me, and I bought the basics I was instructed to get, and I would just shop some more tomorrow. Where the money will come from tomorrow, I don't know.
So I bought some juice, and some other things. I commented that I would wait on buying the milk. My kids don't drink ALOT of milk, and they are going to the babysitter first thing this morning anyway. So I this morning I get up and go to the fridge and the gallon of juice I bought, has less than 1/4 left in the jug. LESS THAN A QUARTER. I came home with it at 10PM. 7 hours ago. Which means that through the night, my TYPE 1 DIABETIC husband has drank almost a GALLON of juice. Which angers me on two levels. First, he should not drink that much juice. I mean, he shouldn't drink a GLASS of it- let alone just shy of a GALLON!! And secondly, there are KIDS that live in this house. We do not have alot of money for shopping etc., and he thinks it's ok to drink the juice. Practically ALL the juice. This infuriates me. I would really like to go in there and throw forks at him, or maybe glasses, or pots and pans perhaps. I think he is a selfish jerk and reaffirms why I am no longer committed to this marriage.
However, I am opting not to start a fight with him about it. A) it's 5AM and his blood sugar is probably up around 450 so I'm sure he is in no mood for conversations. B) the juice was $1.00. C) I can argue with him all I want, he is NOT sorry, he will not BE sorry, and he will just do it again. It's a losing battle really- I've had it before. My arguing will just be my attempts to let him know that I think he's a jerk. And really, I'm quite certain he knows that already... So while I think that my anger is justified, it will make no difference for me to barge in there and tell him why I'm pissed off. His reacting will not be sufficient for me, it will probably only prove to piss me off even more. So I will keep my mouth shut- and simply not buy any more juice. (Milk is equally bad for him when he drinks it in such high quantities- except milk is more expensive and if it's going to be thrown down his throat so quickly and with the same effect, then I will buy the juice first- if anyone is wondering WHY I would even buy such sugary juice with a diabetic glutton in the house). The kids can drink water. I simply can't AFFORD to spend so much money on beverages that are going to disappear overnight. Wouldn't it be great if he'd just, I don't know, work?
Well that is a whole nother Oprah- so I won't go there this morning. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut, because it will only upset me more to complain about it, and just wait. He will be gone eventually. It won't be soon enough, but eventually.

Monday Monday....

This is what joy looks like. Look how damn happy these boys are. How can you not be happy in a swimming pool. In November. Jeez, nothing fills my heart like my boys. I have three boys. My oldest does not do these cute things like the little ones do. My oldest son does other things, like plays with the little ones, so I can go into the other room and lay down for 20 minutes because I have a splitting headache. He helps build things with my dad. He tells me that it doesn't matter to him what I decide, as long as I'm happy. He's unfiltered and he's honest. My boys are precious and loving. I hope that people think they learned that from me.
So my sponsor, who I adore (I cannot stop saying that) mentioned that World Service was looking for writers to 'write their stories' for publication. I think I may inquire into that. I think it would be good for me to share my story in a way that protects my anonymity, cause this blog really doesn't...but it's a 12th step thing. I explained to a friend of mine the 12th step...carry the message and practice principles in all my affairs. I don't know if I do that- but I guess this blog is about carrying the message. I am excited about the comments I get (more comments, more comments- I don't care who you are!!)- and knowing that people are reading my blog from all over the world. Hong Kong, Singapore, the Netherlands (hey- I'm Dutch/Indo- so that's cool to me). I hope that people don't think I'm full of crap. I'm trying to be a good example of program- and putting it out in a 'public' way, helps me keep the focus on the steps and the principles, and NOT just me bitching about my husband, my kids, my job or my life. I find that while I'm writing, the answers come to me when I try to apply the steps and principles. I find the steps amazing. I find thier order appropriate and thier meaning very liberating. It's about letting go of the bullshit and just living right. Not perfect not even saved but just right. I think what kept me away from God was the fact that I never felt like I lived right. I was not living up to my potential, I was making bad choices. I was not good enough. God did not make sense to me- I didn't understand him, or know what he wanted from me.
Then I heard an AA speaker, Ed M. And his story absolutely amazed me. I emailed him, and he shared with me his thoughts about God, about faith, and about forgiveness. He changed my life. Truly changed my life. And I think what amazed me the most, is that he just started living right. That eventually his heart opened to these steps and things started happening for him. And so his story an his sharing his life with me, made me believe just a little, that perhaps there was something to this God thing. And I started to believe just that much. And slowly things began to change for me. I don't know if religion, or church has what I need. I don't know if organized religion has all the answers- if anything it only leads me to more questions, but for me- the answers to me, to my questions about what will make me a good and useful person are in the steps. Program or no program. Religion or no religion, God, Higher Power, Divine Spirit, whatever. It doesn't matter. The first few steps get you right with whatever your higher power is, the next few get you right with you, and the last steps get you right with everyone else (it was explained to me this way). Applying the steps helps me stay right. Live right. Living right- it's a damn good place to start.

Nothing left to do but bronze..........

I don't know what to name this blog, so I will do it at the end.
This morning I went out to my car to find it gone. Gone. Stolen. Ripped off. Someone stole my van. It was old, big, ugly, and paid for.
I guess I should be upset. And I sort of am. I was shocked. It took me a second to register it. After realizing that Michael didn't move it, and then calling to find that it had not been towed- the tow company referred me to the sheriff's department, and that's when it dawned on me. Someone STOLE my car.
So after talking to my former insurance agent (my sister) and realizing that I do have coverage for it and only a $100 deductible and will actually come out on top of this. I filed a police report with the sheriff who was like, 12. OK, perhaps he was 20- but he could have been 12. Then I called my insurance company and made a claim.
I think I should be more upset. I think I should be hysterical and even driving around town looking for the damn thing. (There was hardly any gas in it, they couldn't have gotten FAR.) I should be looking online for new cars. Trying to figure out how long it will take the insurance company to process my paperwork.
But I'm not. I borrowed Michaels car, and I went to Walgreens, because I need bronzer. My foundation is too light and I need to blend it and make it darker because in pictures, my face is too light and I look like a clown. I did all I can do about the car- and I just have to let it go now. That's it. I can see where I would normally be getting all twirly about it and trying to make sure that I have transportation. Can I borrow a car, can I get a loan, can I afford a car payment....quack quack quack. But you know, it doesn't matter right now. I am not going to force a solution, because there isn't one. My car was stolen, the insurance company will give me some money for it and I'll get a new car. Preferably sooner than later- but whatever. I can get new car seats. It's not like we don't have two car seats in Michael's car.
I called my sponsor and shared that with her. That I'm strangely calm. She said I was handling it well. What else is there to do?? I guess the program is working. Take it easy....easy does it...keep it simple... I can't change the fact that something pretty crappy happened, but I don't have to let it ruin my whole life. I heard an AlAteen speaker say something like, "If I lose my truck, it's not the end of the world, I just have one less truck." That's how I feel. I am down one van- one big white ugly old paid for van that I will get more from the insurance company for than I paid for it two years ago. I am not sentimental about it. It served it's purpose- I didn't have many problems with it. I suppose I should just say thank you, and let it go.
There are still alot of good things about my life, and I'm not going to let this one bad thing wipe away all the good things that are happening to me right now. Yes, this is definately growth. Perhaps I will never learn how to detach from my addict husband. Perhaps I will never be able to approach the alcoholic situation with compassion and love. Perhaps I will never set down and stick to boundaries when it comes to what brought me to the program to begin with.
But the fact that I can apply my program to the other aspects of my life, tells me that this program is not JUST for dealing with the alcoholic/addict in my life. It's for dealing with MY LIFE and whatever is it.

Wives of alcoholics...

Peter S. of Newport Beach gave me my first copy of the Big Book of AA. He told me to read the first chapter, and then the chapter To The Wives. I can't remember now if I was going to Al-Anon or not. I had probably already been to at least my first meeting, but I don't know if I had yet crawled back. But I had never read the Big Book before. In the Big Book I read: As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome. I was immediately skeptical because surely my situation was different. I read on...

Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.
Our homes have been battle-grounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would. Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.
We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.
There was never financial security. Positions were always in jeopardy or gone. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home. The checking account melted like snow in June.
Sometimes there were other women. How heartbreaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!

This was my life. For many many years. I have to remember where I've been to appreciate where I am. I have to remember that my life has been affected, deeply affected by the disease of alcoholism, and for that I will never be the same. However, with that- I have been introduced to a program of recovery called Al-Anon. It's a program of suggestion, there are no hard fast rules. There is no wrong way, only a sincere effort to change your life is required. This has made all the difference to me. I did not get to Al-Anon by one event. It did not take just one path to get me here. Not one drunken night, not one empty bottle, not one hysterical breakdown. There were many. And I can work my program many different ways. I have a sincere desire to change my thinking, and Al-anon offers me the tools to do it. For that I have to remain grateful.

Made it through the day....

Well I did it. I turned in my resignation notice today. I was really nervous. But it went very well. My boss was very encouraging and said he was happy for me, and proud of me. Campbell, who used to be my boss- said some really great things. He acknowledged how much I've grown since I've been working there, and especially the last year. He made me cry- that guy always makes me cry. How many times to I have to cry in Campbell's office before I go??? But it was a good cry, and it meant SO MUCH to me to have him say those nice things. He said he was proud of me. It meant as much if he was my father. I have no idea why...well, I take that back, I guess I do.
I think there are people in our lives who drive us to walk right. To work hard, to behave. People who we want to impress because they make success seem so logical. Mark has said so many things to me that I felt were unfair and downright inappropriate, but he also said things that drove me to really important decisions in my life. Something he said once that changed alot about my life and I still try to think about was "when you are an old lady and you look back at your life- what do you want to see." and I try to think about that when I'm feeling stagnant. It's what made me decide that I DID want more children, and that I did want to have an education. I never told him that, but I will have to before I leave. I will have to say thank you...
I also got a call from the HR department at the hospital with my hire date. January 9th. So the ball is rolling, and it's all really happening. I am a little bit afraid, but I am also very excited. Telling people today about my new job, people were very encouraging to me. I really needed that. All that time in my head, just thinking about the changes, well, the committee starts in on me, and talks me out of everything I want to do. I'm glad that the next phase of my life is starting. It's about time..... = )

(The picture is of Gabe.)

Today is about courage

"In spite of all we have learned in A.A., our old way of thinking comes back on us, sometimes with overwhelming force, and occasionally some of us have slips. We forget or refuse to call on the Higher Power for help. We seem to deliberately make our minds a blank so far as A.A. training goes, and we take a drink. We are temporarily right back where we started from."
I have alot of fear about today. It's a day I have been looking forward to for years, and absolutely dreading for months. I'm quitting my job today- giving my notice of resignation. I'm terrified to face my boss and the managers in my office. I don't want anyone to be angry at me. More than facing people about it, I'm afriad of the change. I'm afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone and moving on to a new chapter in my life. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm falling behind in my homework. I am so scared about all the changes coming up. What I haven't done about this, however, is pray. I don't know why I FORGET to do that. When I really need it most, prayer is the one thing that comes to me last. In crisis, I drop my program, I push away my Higher Power. I guess that is normal for someone like me, who is not a generally spiritual person. I've been awake since 4AM- and the first thing I thought of was "In 4 hours, I'm going to do it."
It's not personal. It's business. It's just a job. My relationship with my work is mutual. I work and they pay me. There are no favors between the two. And people come and go- it's nothing new. But it's been a long time. 8 years I have been seeing these people. So today I need courage. I need the courage to believe that I'm moving on to something better for me. A better opportunity. More money. Closer to home. Flexible schedule. All the things that I need and want. This new job is everything that I want right now. And I deserve that. So why am I so afraid to move forward??? You'd think I'd be running out the door, but I'm so nervous about what I'm leaving behind. My friends think I'm crazy. That it should not matter- just give two weeks, and be gone. perhaps they are right, but I can't leave things undone. I'm giving a month. That seems fair. They gave me years to catch up. There were years there, when Michael was drinking, that I would come in to work late- leave early.... I was such a mess. I cried all day. My work was lousy. And every week they let me come back. It's been a long time since then, and of course my work ethic got much better as I got stronger. But I do feel that I owe something to these people, for being good to me when I was broken. For not firing me when I should have been fired. For realizing that I was raising a family (virtually on my own) and allowed me some slack. So I'm going to do my best to make sure that the transition is smooth. That is what I feel good doing. That is what feels fair to me.
I just have to make it through today. Not even the whole day, just the first few hours. I will tell my boss at 8. Leave the letters for the other managers I am notifying, and then get through the morning, when they will, surely ask questions. And then it's over. The hard part is over. By lunchtime, it will be over. That is 6 hours from now. I can live through the next 6 hours for sure. Just one hour at a time. Once I can tell my co-workers, I will feel better, because they will support me- and encourage me. And congratulate me. It's just getting past the first part. The first step is always the hard one.
The first step in the 12 steps is admitting that I am powerless. I can't control thier reactions to what I say. All I can do is say it, and then I have to let the rest go. My part is not to control how they (my managers) feel, what they think or what they say to me, or each other. That is not my deal. Thier reactions are not my responsibility nor can I do anything to change them. I just have to say my part- thoughtfully and respectfully- and let the rest go. I have drafted a really good, positive resignation letter, expressing regret and gratitude. I set aside any of the feelings of anger or frustration that I've felt regarding the incident that happened over the summer (which is what ultimately led me to the decision to leave). So I am doing my part, which is being honest, professional, and courteous. And if they take it badly, or they get angry at me- well that is not for me to decide. I have to let that go. Don't project about it. Walk through it. I know that this is the best thing for me to be doing for myself. I have to keep that in mind. I'm not leaving to spite anyone. I'm leaving because this is the best thing for me to be doing for the rest of my life. I have to remember that. This is me, taking care of ME. Maybe that's why it's so hard, I don't usually do that.
Time to start getting ready for my day. Just one hour at a time....

Waiting for a resolution

I love Postsecret . It's so interesting to me. In Al-Anon we say we are as sick as our secrets. We all have them. Things we are ashamed of, secret thoughts. Things we daydream about. Perhaps these types of confessions, take away a little bit of the 'sickness'. There is a person from my past, someone I loved and hated- who adored me, and used me. And I think about him, every single day of my life. Not these memories of longing, or old feelings of love OR hate- but at some point, he creeps up in my mind. Every single day. A song on the radio, a street corner, or a restaurant. It's weird. But I think we all have these memories. These events that have touched our lives for the good or bad, that we never really tuck away and never think about again.
Yesterday I was talking with my sister about resolution. Why we hang on to the anger and why we can't just let it go. What are we waiting for? We are waiting for the "I'm sorry". We are waiting to be told that it wasn't our fault, that we DID all we could do. That we were NOT bad wives or girlfriends, bad mothers, bad lovers. That it was THEM. We want the confession "I'm one who screwed it all up, and I'm so so sorry." And until we get it, we will always be angry. And even IF we get it, we won't believe he means it. It never makes it Ok.
We get damaged. Nobody heals us. That is what this picture reminded me of. It will never be ok for this person to get that call. It will never away the pain. I'm sorry is not enough. I have told Michael time and again that I don't CARE that he's sorry. It means nothing, but I still want to hear him say it. Why? So I can tell him it's not enough I guess.....
I'm thinking as I'm writing this, that in the end it's about forgiveness. Forgiving those who have wronged us for not being what we expect them to be. I want to forgive Michael for the damage he's done to my heart. I want to forgive him, so I can just stop feeling this way. This frustration and unsettledness. I think I have always related forgiveness with acceptance. I forgive you, and what you did is now OK with me, so lets continue on. But that is not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness does not mean that what you did is ok. It means that I choose not to be angry about it anymore. I choose to NOT let it run my life. I think right now, I'm afraid to forgive, because I think I will go back to the old ways and forgive ("what you did is now OK with me") and we will 'work things out' and nothing will change, and my heart will be ripped out once again. I can't let THAT happen, and it's because I have a distorted concept of forgiveness. Or at least how to apply it.
I think though, that forgiveness is the only resolution. It's the only way to move past the hurt. The only way to restore your sanity- to put the pieces of your broken heart back together. Forgiveness is not giving up or getting over it. It's just choosing not to let it hurt you anymore. I don't know how to do that. Right now, I guess I am just stuck NOT forgiving. Because he still hurts me, and what he's done still hurts- and if I let go of that hurt, then I will let him back in. And I can't do that anymore.

5:30 PM

I'm actually at the office right now. I think this is perhaps the 3rd time I've ever been at the office on the weekend. I left early yesterday and left a ton of things undone. I'm meeting some friends at 6 anyway for a Pleasure Party. Sex toys and such... I had lunch with a friend before I came here. I like being here alone. I feel strangely safe. It's quiet. And I can just do my thing uninterrupted. It's nice. No kids pulling at my legs or sales people asking me if we are really out of stirrer straws. Stirrer straws, seriously!?! Dude, use a spoon!
But anyway, I am feeling more and more anxious about the events coming up this week. I have decided to do it on Tuesday, give notice. 30 days. I will stay til January 6th. A little past time time I wanted, but it's fine. Financially it's fine, I will have vacation time paid out to me to cover the weird pay period thing. It's funny that now that I'm leaving, I am more nostalgic about this place than ever. Maybe it's all the changes coming up so fast. They are keeping me up at night. I woke up this morning at my normal week day wake up time. The clock reads 5:28AM, but it's actually 5:13AM. I woke up without an alarm. But I felt compelled to actually get up and come to work. Of course, I didn't- but I did get out of bed a few minutes later and just started my day. I feel like there is something I am forgetting. Something I need to DO. But I don't know what that is. I think I'm just in fear about all the changes, and perhaps looking for ways out of them. All these changes and the only one who is questioning whether or not they are good for me, is me. It must be fear of the unknown- because all the other scenarios do not make sense. Change is good. I just have to keep saying that.
Things ate home were ok today. Quiet enough. No fighting. He had a migraine. I got him some coffee and some Excedrin. He almost seemed offended by my attempts to help him. That bugged me. I know that we are splitting up, but are there no more common courtesies?? A cup of coffee and something for your aching head is hardly a gesture of love, but just a human gesture. Migraines suck. He looked at me weird when I handed him the pills. I told him to just take them, stop being like that. I walked away. Take them, don't take them- what ever. It's just excedrin, it's not bail money- jeez!!

Well, I'm off to my party. It will be nice to meet new people. Interesting, while 2 of my co-workers will be there, it will be mainly people I don't know. And I haven't even taken the time to be anxiety ridden over it. Hmmm, I must be growing.

Looks like a dream.....

Iguazu Falls, Brazil.








I need a vacation...

My slip

I will start out by asking, please comment so I know someone is reading this. It's good for my ego...

When an an addict slips, they drink or use drugs or whatever mild altering substance of choice. Thier program consists of doing whatever it takes to stay sober. When an Al-Anon slips, we drop our program. Whatever our program consists of: going to meetings, letting go of control, keeping our mouth shut, refraining from joining the argument, detachment, not enabling etc. It always seemed strange to me to call behavior that is not in line with my program ' a slip', the same way it would be a slip for Michael to drink or use drugs. The end result does not seem equal. For Michael to drink would sure wind him up in the hospital, pancreatits and pain and vomitting out the wazoo- literally. For me to miss meetings, be a bitch, join the fight, or take care of his responsibilitles- it does not do quite as much harm to me- or at least it seems.
But then, it does harm me though, because just like he becomes altered, irrational and even a little unstable, so do I. And while his drunk does not seem to equal the hate and venom that comes spewing out of me- I guess it depends on who you ask.
The fighting is getting really ugly, and I have to control myself and not fly off the handle over every little thing. I have to practice detachment, and remember what is and is NOT important. It's over, we are both agreed that it's over, so what is left to fight about? I think I just want to make sure, before he goes, he knows just how angry I am. How disappointed I am. And that all of it is HIS fault. (writing it out, really makes me sounds like such a victim...ughhh) He said that I am selfish, and that I pay for the boys, but I don't raise them (I'm not even GOING there right now...) He called me a bitch and my response was that he if he thinks I'm a bitch now- just wait. Threats, and nastiness. And the boys. My precious babies seeing or hearing it all. I hate that. Acting this way throws everything off balance. The boys suffer, one way or the other. I can take it, they should not have to. So that was my slip. Last night a conversation turned ugly- really fast, and escalated to screaming and name calling. Guns drawn and I refuse to back down. I refuse. I have not fought back, at least not hard enough in 5 years. It never ever ever turns violent, but he gets in my face and my first thought is "hit me, mother fucker I DARE you."

Now...why???

Why in the hell would I even think that?? I may outweigh him....ughhhh.... but he's strong and at this point pretty pissed off and I'm sure he could send me flying halfway across the street if he was so inclined. I have no idea why I become bulletproof at the moment that I really SHOULD be backing up.
But I will not back up, or back down. I will not allow myself cry or appear the slightest bit hurt or vulnerable by what he says. I will NOT lose anything to him, from my heart, ever ever again. I guess though, that staying strong, doesn't have to mean screaming and becoming a hateful person- because then I am losing something.
While he can give up his sobriety, I give up my serentiy. My side of the street is no longer clean, but littered with bad language, hateful remarks, insults and rage. (this is the point when I wish I had bigger vocabulary...)
The pamphlet "the alcoholic speaks to his family" says: Denial is a symptom of my disease.
I have to remember these things. Denial. He is is so much denial about his life. It's part of his disease. Denial is a symptom of his disease. Denial is a symptom of his disease. He has a disease. A program will help him, but he doesn't have one.
I have to remember that I DO have a program. And I have to work it, otherwise I am as good as drunk I guess.
I don't know where in the progam, "walking out" fits in....but I think it has something to do with protecting yourself. Putting yourself first. "Don't be a doormat." I remember Dr. O, a fantastic shrink I had, whenever I used to say something to which he thought I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of, he would sing "doormaaaaaaaaaat" at me. I always thought that was funny. He told me, back in 2000- be careful, he's very stuck in his disease and it will take alot more than he is currently willing to do to get out from under that. He may not always be physically addicted, but he will always be sick and he doesn't currently seem the type to do the kind of hard HARD work it takes to be well.
I should have listened to my doctor.
I should have listened to my sisters.
I should have listened to my friends.
I should have listnend to my mom.
There's no use in crying over it now.

Just wake me when it's over.

Went to my meeting

I am glad that I went to my meeting today. It was on the 12th step and while I'm not there yet, it is always good to hear other people share how far they've come. I didn't open my mouth, as nothing but word vomit was going to come out. Michael and I had a nasty fight tonight and I'm sure it is only the first of many. He said that I need to help him move out and that I OWE him that. My response was that I don't owe him a fucking thing. However, I will help him move out because it may the the only way that I can ensure that he actually LEAVES. It was ugly. Alot of mean things thrown around- below the best stuff. Nothing that I"m proud of- but nothing that I would particularly take back.
In the meeting I thought again about the 200 to 1 theory. And really, it's just the ONE. Just this one person who makes me feel so lousy about myself. He said tonight that he doesn't know what he was thinking when he married me, he must have been drunk. Now while it was mildly funny, and totally true- it was very hurtful, I admit. I know that he was just TRYING to hurt me, and be ironic at the same time. I didn't have any quick answer for that one. I didn't even try. I eventually left the house early for my meeting because it was not going to get any LESS ugly and we were yelling at each other right in front of the kids. I feel awful about that. I don't know who was less of an adult tonight, although I'm sure by morning I will hve convinced myself it was me... Either way, I think that things will just continue to get worse between us. I was angry when I got home because the house was really a disaster. You could tell that there was NO attempt to pick up ANYTHING and it almost seemed as if he tried to make it MORE messy. I really don't think that I should be expected to come home and clean house when I have to work full time, sell Avon, and go to school full time (in which I am taking out student loans out my ass to make up for his lost income)- and then come how and do dishes!!!
He used to complain about his ex. And that he used to work one or two jobs, and he'd come home and the house was a mess, she'd leave the kids with him- and then she's just complain all the time. Sound familiar?? I want to tell him that. That he has become the exact description of what he said she was like. I have no idea if she really WAS like that- but that is just what he told me and he said he always hated it. And now he has become exactly what he hates. hmmmm.
Anyway he commented about how bad of a housecleaner I am. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock- you've been married to me for 6 years- did you JUST figure that out?? But you know, I work. I have worked full time, gone to school and did home shows to keep this family afloat as best as I could. Why can't he just keep the house clean. It's what would be expected of ANY non working grown up who soaks up more half of the families resources.
Well, whatever I did some of the dishes and perhaps I will do more tomorrow. I just can't stand looking at them anymore- and I'm ready to just throw them out...
Well I have alot of homework to do, and I'm exhausted. So I"m going to shake off this horrible fucking night. Do some homework, take a Xanax, and get some much needed sleep
...on the couch.

I thought of a good memory

I thought of a good memory, but I don't have time to properly write about it. About 4 years ago, it was December, my cousin and best friend Lori took me to Palm Desert. I was a birthday gift I think, to get me the hell out of town. This was before the two babies were born. Michael was in a two week rehab stint (whole lot of fuckin good that did) and we drove out in the evening. I fell asleep in the car, so I could not even think about NOT leaving town. I think we stayed two nights. The first night we got in REALLY late and missed check in so we stayed at a little Best Western or something, I think we had pizza and talked and watching VH1's behind the music on No Doubt. I think it was then that I decided that I would like to BE Gwen Stefani...just like me and half the other girls in the world. The next day we checked in to The Mojave resort. It is this 20's style place that looks like something out of a gangster movie. It was really peaceful and quiet as I suppose Palm Desert is in December. They had white bathrobes, which was super cool and I think even slippers... We spent all day walking around the shops, I think we got our nails done. I remembered thinking, as I was walking down the shops and seeing the things I could never afford to buy- that I was so relaxed and calm. That I felt so relieved from my life and even though I was out of my element- I felt better there. My element" had become uncomfortable. Up to that point I was so used to being tense and uneasy. But that weekend was the first time in a LONG time that I felt at ease. I felt safe because Michael was sort of tucked away. I did not have to DO anything. I could just BE and I know that was what Lori wanted for me. To just relax. All weekend we just talked and shopped and ate and watched TV. It was probably the best weekend I can remember, even with the eye infection I ended up getting because of all those soaps and lotions we were trying on and then rubbing my eyes!! That was pretty fun- and actually very typical to happen to me. Nothing every goes PERFECT. Anyway, thanks Lo. I'll never forget it.