Detachment

I could write a book on the trouble with detachment. Why I don't do it well, at least not emotionally. Physically, it's as easy as not showing up- or not doing anything. That doesn't mean that it doesn't affect my thoughts and the ache in my heart.

E-husband is back in the ED again. I am not sure that he's any better living with his folks than he was living with me. Stomach flu > dehydration > malnutrition > raised blood sugar > diabetic ketoacidosis. I'm not sure what order, but that seems to be the jist of it.

fuck.

I realize the condition of his health is self inflicted. You can't UNDO the damage. But it does seem lately that he has been trying. So what gives? Every little virus sends him to the hospital. I hate that I can't help. That I can't even sit with him at the hospital, by choice, as I gave up doing that by way of some sort of obligation. I did my time at his bedside, but I always visit him. He's not local anymore. I know there isn't anything I can do for him. I can't help him- or even comfort him. I just feel bad for it. I wonder if he'd be better at home with me, but I doubt it. And we'd all be worse for trying. I would enable him further. And I'd hate him for it. But I currently hate MYSELF over it.

I am so tempted to dive into research, and find out what might help him. What kind of program, diet, therapy...anything... that will help him undo some of the damage. But it's not for me to do. I can't manage his health. I generally have a pretty high opinion of physicians, and I try to assume that they have good reasons for what they do and don't do. You just have to ASK what those reasons are. But I truly feel that his doctors are NOT doing something. They are missing something, or opting to treat symptoms A and B, setting C and D aside. I just want to know what and why? What are they treating him for- and why do they think that is more important than that? I want to ask the doctors "what is your plan for him? How EXACTLY is he supposed to live like this." But they shuffle him through, send him home when he appearrs to be stable, which it totally a subjective term.

The trouble with detachment is that it's supposed to empower me to live my own life and not fix his problems. And while it somewhat does that- it doesn't absolve me of the guilt and the worry and the anguish. It just stops me from doing anything about it.

Whoopdy-fucking-do.