Ohh Daddy...

Did I say suggest I was going to post daily?? Shit, blew that already.

I put Alex on the plane yesterday back to his dad's. It was tough, but I didn't leave a lot of time for sad goodbyes. I thought it would be easier for him that way. His attention span tends to be quick anyway. He made it home safe, and that is good. It was a really good visit with him. He'll be back for the summer.

Today I took the younger beasties to visit thier dad and grandparents. We left this morning after breakfast and stayed most of the day. They boys had a really good time and I'm not sure who enjoyed it more, the boys, or the e-husband. We are getting along fantastically, I suppose because we are no longer living together. He looked good, kinda tired, but seeing the boys really cheered him up. I even got to take a nap!!

We brought Gabe's bike so he could show his dad his new bike riding skills, and so when he showed me the side of the house I kind of leaned against the wall and he leaned in and hugged me. It reminded me of back when we were dating and we would be at his parents house outside, making out against the side of the house. I hadn't thought about that in years. Kinda made me blush a bit.

I do feel good being around him lately, and when he's feeling ok. I am not sure if it's something in ME that feels better- or if it's because the boys seem happy. We did talk recently about 'us' and if I thought there was any chance we could work things out. I told him that I just didn't know. It wasn't even something I was thinking about. We both have so much baggage and so many issues with each other, the foundation would be just the way we left it, shaky- at best. I told him that I'm just trying to figure out my crap, and he needs to focus on getting better. Who knows- maybe after years and enough time goes by, we can really melt away the bad years. I am not one to forsee the future. God knows a lot has happened in the past 5 years that I never EVER expected in my worst or wildest dreams. But you can't plan on them, or around them.

I know that I care about the e-husband. I know that I love him, but defining that love is where it gets tricky. The love that we have for each other is simply not enough to keep it going anymore. It's like that Triangular Theory I talked about. We just don't have the components, not all of them, and not any ONE component in large enough quantities. What we do have, is history. Kind of like Post Traumatic Syndrome.