precious metal

I've put my wedding ring back on.



I did it about a week ago. I pulled it out of it's 'safe place' and cleaned it. Then I put it on. It felt weird for about a day- but now it's back on my finger and feeling like I never took it off.

Why?

Ask me if I'm married. I will say, "ummmmmm...." and hesitate. I don't say "yes" really quick. Nor do I say "no" as quick as a woman who was on her way to a divorce would. It's been a year since he moved out. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. The agreement is that we would stay married for 2 years, because he needs the health insurance.

A year has passed.

Ask me what my plans are?- it depends on the day.
Ask me if I am getting ready to file?- not really.
Ask me if I WANT to get divorced?- well, I'm not sure.
Ask me if I want to work things out?- well, some days.
Ask me if I still love my husband?- Yes.

Good or bad, sinner or insane- I still love him. Is that enough? No. But it's a start.

Depending on the day, or the week I think there is a chance, or that I am done. I wonder how I can stand him or wonder how I will live without him. I was certain when I made him move out that I could NOT live with him anymore the way he was. I could not live with someone who did not take any responsibility for his health and the BPD was becoming unlivable. That is not the case anymore. He is better about his medications and I have become much better at detaching myself from the chronic conditions that will never go away.

I feel like I NEED to lean in at least a DIRECTION. As long as I allow myself to flip back and forth, I'll never decide anything. I either need to cut ties and move towards divorce- or decide to move towards a possible reconcilliation. It's not a decision to stay together, just a decision to go that direction. I think I can see what IS livable, and what is NOT. Things that used to infuriate me, because I was miserable- are more manageable now that I have better control over my life. But you know, I needed to decide that "ok- I am giving this a shot" and "move in that direction" until I decide that it simply WON'T work. I will go back and forth forever if I let myself.

So this is the direction I'm going. Put the ring back on, and if anyone asks- I'm married.