Games we play

A friend called me today and was in a 'situation' with her "new guy." Not a boyfriend, but a new guy she's been dating. It's been a month.

Last week he didn't call when he said he would. Days went by and then when they did connect again- he asked to see her and he said he'd call and they would make plans. To me, this seems like no big deal.

Her friends gave her the barrage of advice.

Dump him.
Don't pick up, or return his call for a few days.
Be busy when he asks you out.

Up until now, he has not done anything that seems 'shifty'. He doesn't seem like a game player. He told her when they met that he is looking for a relationship. He wants to settle down, get married, have kids. He's educated, gainfully employed and doesn't seem to have any weird attachments to his mother.

But because he did not call when he said he would- he's full of it. He's a player. He's a liar. He's unworthy. Man, have our standards gotten out of control?? How can we expect a man to everything we want, and nothing we don't.

I don't claim to know a lot about men- but I have learned a thing or two. One thing I know is that men do NOT spend as much time thinking about every aspect of a relationship (new OR old) as women do. Men do not freak out if we don't call when we say we will. They might wonder about it. They might consider the reasons. They may even make a decision on the future of the relationship. But the do not spend a LOT of time thinking about it. They don't tell call 3-5 friends. They don't talk to thier co-workers about it. They don't ask for 'advice'.

I don't say this because I think men are shallow, thoughtless, loveless creatures. I say it, simply because in my experience- it's true. And why?



Cause they are men. They just don't think they way we do. They don't analyze the fuck out of everything. In the beginning of a relationship, ff they have reached for our hand, it's because they want to hold it. If we reach for their hand, it's because we want to know if they will pull away. We want to know if they will show public displays of affection. We will wonder how long he will hold it. Will he squeeze it or just lay it inside ours. Will he hold our hand or will he let us hold his hand. And if he lets go unexpectedly, we will wonder why? If he lets go, chances are he is going to reach for something, or he is worrying about his hands starting to sweat.

I've learned that just because a man doesn't REACT, doesn't mean he doesn't feel. Just because he doesn't CAVE when we cry, doesn't mean he WANTS us to cry. Just because he doesn't call when he says he will, doesn't mean he doesn't want to see us again.

Why, when we think we are being played, we have to 'play' back? Why do we play these games? What is the purpose of pretending we are not available, not interested, not at home?? I understand the importance in not being a needy doormat, but what is to gain from having to 'play the game' in order to get the man you want? My friend is now supposed to pretend to be someone she's not, deny feelings she feels, and pretend she doesn't want to spend time with someone that she really does want to spend time with.

I tried to be the friend who keeps her OFF the ceiling. I suggested she choose NOT to believe he's a game player. I suggested she chill out and give him the benefit of the doubt that his reason for not calling was legit. I suggested that she remember that he's human, he's not perfect, and he doesn't think, react, or respond like a woman.

He's a man- accept that he will occasionally act like one.