sweep THIS!!!

I got a parking ticket yesterday. Reason: Street Sweeper.

Ummmm what?

I've lived in the same complex for almost 7 years now. People park on that side of the street, for days and days. There is no sign. There is no sweepers. Ok- wait, I HAVE seen sweepers, but there is no "No Parking on X day from Y to Z time for street cleaning." The sweeper will weave around and clean certain open parts of the curb. That whole block is extra parking for the people who live in my complex. So you know, Mr. Officer, you are going to have to suck a big dick on that one.

The comment: Saw sweeper come around

What the fuck?

I don't live in the backwoods where seeing a street sweeper vehicle is unheard of. So Mr Officer, you SAW a sweeper, and my car- and decided I was in violation of my car being in the same presence as a sweeper. Is that it? Is my Mini-Van not good enough to share the same BLOCK with a sweeper? Can you find more ways to fuck me up the ass? I mean, you had ALREADY written up a violation for my expired registration, which is really not expired, I just need a smog check, by the way. Hey, I won't argue THAT- but don't think I DON'T know how he giggled while he tucked the SECOND ticket under my windshield knowing that it (this completely bogus piece of shit violation) would completely fuck up my day.

However, I am a law abiding and/or consequence accepting citizen and I will deal with the registration/ smog check issue and or just pay the fine if my 'almost registered' status is not enough. No sweat.

The street sweeping violation, however, is bullshit.

Thanks for playing, dick!

local douchebags

Have you ever seen this site?

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Cock-a-doodle-douche!

So now it's a TV show.

I couldn't figure out how to identify California guys. There's just something SO arrogant and dickish about a lot of them. NOT all of them,but some. I think this is why I find myself gravitating towards New Yorkers, or guys from anywhere else. There's just something different. So when I saw this show- I realized immediately what it is about a lot of the OC guys- they identify it right away.

You know that guy. That guy who thinks he's so fresh he actually CALLS himself 'fresh.' He spends more time on his hair than you do. He owns a flat iron. He's kind of a chick, but with a cock and an ego. He's a younger Ryan Secreast. He's OK looking, and would be hot if he wasn't such a fucking tool. The only reason you might fuck him is because he got you drunk and maybe that's the fastest way to shut his ass up! Maybe he's got a big dick, I mean, he keeps TELLING YOU how big it is, right?

He's the OC Bag.

totally

yeah, sure- that makes sense.

Abstinence Chart

I thought it was kind of funny, although I'm not sure that the cigar is about but I'm sure I can guess.

Mean Girls

"I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch. " ~Cady (Mean Girls, 2004)

I am not a mean girl.

Am I a bitch? Kind of. I'm high maintenance and yes, if you forget the hot sauce to go with my taco's, I will think that it's because you don't love me. I admit that.

However, I'm not a mean girl.

I have male friends, who's girlfriends and wives (and exes of both) who just say really horrible mean things. Who have no regard for the feelings of the person who is recieving the information. I am not going to confront you if you hurt my feelings. It will not make me feel better, nor will it make me a better person, or more right (or wrong) if I lash out and tell you that you are a rude egotistical bitch, or that you are a self-indulgent dilusional asshole. Even if it's true, it still hurts to be told it.

I have done enough damage, I think, to enough people to know that no good will come of me saying things that I KNOW are intentionally hurtful. Does this mean I'm a liar??
If you ask me, do these jeans make my ass look big? I may laugh, and say, "Honey it aint the jeans!" I mean, if you have a big ass- then you have a big ass.

I have a big ass.
I've been told it's quite awesome, so you know- I'm ok with your big ass. Then again, if you are stupid enough to ask ME about fashion advice, then you deserve what you get.

Anyway... yesterday in a temper tantrum- my less than beloved husband told me that he was 'sick of my shit' and that he was leaving. It really bothers me when he says things like that. I hate when he threatens to leave me.

He's lying. He's not going to. He tells me every few months that he's leaving me. He never does it. He says he's 'outta here'- and then every morning I wake up, and there he is!

Now maybe it's mean that I just said that... but I didn't say it to HIM! See how nice I am??

i can't even think of a good title for this

When my husband returns- I'm going to kill him.

Prepare to be grossed out- ish.

So today on my way home from work, I was dying of thirst so I grabbed a Sprite that was half empty and a few days old. I knew it would be flat but I was at the point that my throat was so dry I was choking- you know?

As swallowed the flat soda I knew something was wrong. Really really wrong.
Oh god.
Ohh my fucking god.

In the bottle, were three cigarette butts. What is the sound of vomit??
However, I wasn't lucky enough to vomit.

So after spending an hour in the bathroom and thinking how great it would be to have a bidet but at least I started buying the really soft toilet paper- I have come to a few conclusions:

I will make a concerted effort to keep my car clean.
I will NEVER drink Sprite again.
I will probably never smoke again- even though it's rare that I do.

My husband is not allowed to smoke in my car- ever ever EVER again.
Maybe not even in the house.

fuck you, Karma. We're thru.

"I'll never find my heart

Behind someone else

I'll never see the light of day

Living in this cell

It's time to make my way

Into the world I knew

Take back all of these times

That I gave in to you"

-Three Doors Down "Let me be myself"

Dear Karma:

I get it. I made some mistakes. I made bad choices. I have taken many cookies from the cookie jar over my 37 years. I kissed boys (and girls) I shouldn't have kissed. I stole boyfriends and husbands and wasted precious time pretending I didn't know better. I see why you've been pissed at me.

However, whenever you're done assfucking me for my sins, I'd appreciate a goodbye kiss. I'm all for hot buttsex, but you know you don't even have the decency to use lube. I get that you don't have many friends, but your welcome is outstayed and now you're just pissing me off

I'm a good person. I take care of my kids and my husband. I don't break that many laws and while I've been known to get naked on the internet on occasion- nothing that I do is criminal. I'm tired now. I'm tired of swimming upstream and I now I just want to be happy.

How about we make a deal? I'll make better choices- and you stop making me feel guilty about them. In the mean time- if you could just lube up a little, that'd be great.

-julie

Dear Financial Aid Office:

Based on your records, the bank disbursed my school funds on 1/16/09. You got paid for this semesters tuition on the 16th. All is well in your financial aid world.

However, as of today the money has still not been released from the school. Um- hello???

I am paying interest on this money as of the date that the bank let it go. 10 days now. 10 days of interest on money that I don't have and I am therefore bouncing shit, as of... today. If I could avoid this phenomenon, I wouldn't need to borrow so much money to begin with.

So if you wouldn't mind... I'd really appreciate it. k??

This starving student, mother of three, and head of a single income family would really like to eat this week and it'd be just SUPER if you'd go ahead and release the funds that I'm already paying interest on. so you know, like, today... please?

seriously.

-julie


update 2:15 PM Thank you, financial aid office. I promise I will make it last 16 weeks.

Crazy never sleeps

There was an altercation at my work the other day. I work at a hospital and occasionally people get angry and things start to happen. The nurse manger got punched in the face once. Nurses get grabbed and swung at. Once a crazy patient threatened to stab a little girl with a pencil (that he got from the chapel!)

I did not hear about this entire event, and really I didn't need to. Apparently though, it was between family members. No not brothers and sisters...

But the family members of one patients and the family members of the patient in the next bed.

Oh yeah, you heard me.

They were in the inside of the patients' room when it stared, but apparently SOMEONE said, "They ought to get this fucking illegal alien out of this room!"

Yeah, you can see how nicely THAT went over.

Both families- each containing a few people EACH were ushered into the hall way once the yelling started and then it got very loud, and ugly racists words were exchanged and security was called- STAT. I am not sure exactly who hit whom first, but I heard there was some swinging involved. Security did not get there fast enough, and you know- what's FAST ENOUGH when you are throwing out ugly things like that.

This is a community hospital people- where we, as health care professionals have a responsibility to care for people who come through the doors. I don't fucking care about your political beliefs OR your complete LACK of class and human decency. Shut the fuck up. Really- all parties ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Health care is a human right. Take your bullshit someplace else.

Is two weeks a break??

I dont' really think so- but for as much as I need a break, I am just posting shit somewhere else. Holidailies overloaded me. So I'm sorta back- refusing to be pressured to blog every day here cause I just don't think I'm all that interesting.

School is kicking my brain like a (insert name of famous soccer player here) and while I'm mentally exhausted from so much homework- I feel like I'm learning something. I was explaining to my friend The Drummer that while I can take a serious of numbers and standard deviate the fuck out of them... I can't tell you what that final number actually MEANS. I'm like that classical music guy who couldn't actually HEAR his own music. Or something like that.

Work is a hilarious disaster rightn ow as they are remodelling our wing and my boss and I have been displaced like refugees. So we are now sitting in the break room on another hall. Yah you heard me.
The break room. All day long with people eating and talking and making personal phone calls. Yeah like I don't have enough troubles with my ADD.

Last week someones phone was in thier locker and an alarm was going off every 3 minutes. I was about to lose my shit. It made me think of the Annoy-o-tron and how my best friend Ed has placed it in his co-workers office and now two weeks later the guy still hasn't found the source of the beeping.

Seriously dude, that guy is going to kick your ass. When he does, I won't laugh at you, but in your general direction.

Over the weekend my "not overmedicated" (read: totally snowed) husband (for now) fell asleep on the bedroom floor. When he didn't wake up, I checked his pulse- when I realized he had one- I left him there. I knew he was gonna be sore when he woke up- cause man it was a really uncomfortable position. You know when you just sort of crumple to the floor? Before you straighten yourself out. Try THAT for a few hours. I did take a picture of it though. Cause I find humor in tragedy.

No, I'm not gonna show it- I'm not that cruel.
Ok- so I video taped it.

awesome.

I married my father.

I think I did. Really.

I remember more bad things about my step-dad than good. That's cause he really WAS a major dick for a lot longer than he was ever a decent guy. That happened the last few years before he died. The other 11 years he was married to my mom, he really was a prick. He was the only dad I really remember. Unfortunately I have very few memories of my read dad, who died when I was 9.

My step dad locked himself in his room a lot. We assumed he was just in there ignoring us. Maybe he was sleeping, I don't know. There was a lock on the door. He went through phases where he would come out and be semi social, sometimes kind of funny. Sometimes a decent guy- even though there was always this undertone of "Don't piss me off."

Eggshells everywhere.

The husband is very much the same. He goes through these phases where he's a pretty cool guy. He is good with the kids, he keeps the house clean and cooks and does all sorts of normal guy stuff- just so long as you don't piss him off. Then as mysteriously as he came, he's gone again. He's been in bed since Wednesday. And no- not REALLY in bed 24 hours a day, but like 18 hours. He comes out to eat and leave a mess, he grumbles at the kids. And sometimes just to be a bitch I make him come out and watch the kids so I can go do something I don't really NEED to do.

Last night we went to my mom's for a family party that he didn't attend. I came home and brought him some food. And some of My sister in law's AMAZING banana pudding.

OMG this is like bananas and crack
mixed in cream cheese
and covered in cookies.

Crack pudding with bananas.

Which would probably explain why he ate it all. Between 10PM last night, and 6AM this morning.

He ate all the Banana Crack Pudding!

Why am I even surprised??

Now I don't know that my step dad would have done THAT- but it's a characteristic trait. It's that "OMG you are such a selfish prick and THIS is why we don't like you" sort of thing that my dad had, that my husband has.

My mom and step dad were married for 13 years when he died. I really hope I don't have to wait 4 more years...

happy period.... sure.

Remember when tampons actually did what they were supposed to do??

Stay with me here.

Remember back in the day when Tampax meant that you were not going to bleed on your new skirt? When you could safely go to the ladies room every few hours and do a relatively clean exchange of removing tampon, wipe, and then inserting new tampon?

Remember when the tampon actually COLLECTED blood and didn't just merely SLOW it from leaking out and staining your new skirt? When the tampon that was in the toilet expanded and was pretty much filled with whatever menses you were having, leaving NONE on your panties or you know, the seat below you??

I don't have heavy periods. I don't have connected plumbing. I mean, I have the periods of a woman on the pill, assuming you are not unlucky in this sense, and if you are not- then you know what I'm talking about.... relatively light. One heavy day and then too many days of lingering and fading off- but the bulk of it is one, maybe two days. I am one of those women, so I don't bleed a LOT. However, my tampons REFUSE to work.

They don't collect anymore- they just sort of block the exit, and not very well. Why do I continue to leak blood- and then pull out a mostly clean tampon? Explain this to me, someone- please!! The purpose of sticking a wad of cotton INSIDE my vag is so that it doesn't come out like that post sex gush that you get on you way to the bathroom. It's JOB is to collect it all. The only time that it should leak is when the entire tampon is FILLED with blood, and not one cotton fiber BEFORE then. Are you with me here?

I would have a happier period of the tools for the task did their job. My only option is to change my tampon every hour, and then pulling out a TRULY dry tampon, and anyone with a vag knows that HURTS like... pulling out a dry tampon.

And no, I do NOT use too small of a tampon, and NO I do NOT have a LARGE vag either. I'm Asian, we just don't.

Tampax fuckers....

Sometimes I am the stupidest girl in stupid town,

The e-husband went to the ER today. I knew he would eventually. Actually early in the week I called even said it outloud to my boss, "I'll bet he end up in the hospital before the end of the week."

I wish I could pick winning lotto numbers the same way.

So he went in, and is still sitting in the ER cause there's no beds. Here's some weird ER tips.
People wait until after work to go to the ER.
People wait until the weekend to go to the ER.
Unless it's a holiday, and then they wait until afterwards.

So Friday at 2, is a bad time to go to the ER- so here it is 9PM and he's still in the ER waiting for a bed. Well, who cares, he's IN a bed- he's got a TV. Chill out, dude. It's not like you are on a gurney in the hallway. I've seen that before too.

He called me and asked me to bring him cigarettes. I needs some, he says, I'm going crazy- bring them ok?

Ugh. Now I've always done thing for him. If I don't, he bitches- he lays on the guilt, he complains- he makes my life miserable. He kinda bullies me in a passive aggressive dickish way. So I usually just comply and loathe myself.

Today I was at my mothers house when he called and made his tobacco demands. I said whatever, and when I hung up, my mother who NEVER minds her own business started in on me about why don't I just say no?
You make the money, just don't buy them for him. Don't give him money.

Ok, question for the non-working women. If you head of the household spouse REFUSED to give you money, even though you are taking care of the kids and such- does that fly? Yeah, NO. I do not deny him money simply because I am the one that makes it. That seems wrong to me on a lot of levels. No, I don't like what he spends money on. It's probably $3 a day, cause he buys cheap ones. That's $90 a month, roughly. Yeah, that's a alot of money. However, if roles were reversed and I didn't work and he made the money.... hang on.... sorry was laughing there.... if that were the case, and he told me that I could NOT have any money-well, then he'd be considered a bastard, right?

That has always been my reason for sort of turning my head about what he wastes my hard earned money on. God knows I wasted it on make up and jewelry I never wear,

But then I was thinking... you know. I could not even argue the point with my mother- because really I don't buy it. My husband, dear readers, is going to be dead within maybe 5-10 years not IF he doesn't take care of himself, but BECAUSE he doesn't take care of himself. We all know that the main reason that I have not kicked him out and moved on with my life, is because I truly feel like he needs my help, passive aggressive as it may be delivered. (See D, I am only passive aggressive to people I am now or have ever been married to) He has very few other options, and divorcing him, impoverishing him, and basically destroying him (cause you know, my ego tells me that he will surely die without my snarky brand of "love and affection"). That being said however, I ask myself this.

If HE doesn't give a shit about his well being- by continuing to abuse his medications (in which the result is withdrawal symptoms that cause him severe dehydration and ketoacidosis) and smoke cigarettes, which he KNOWS are only hurting his circulatory system even further- then why should I? Why should I continue to enable this ridiculous behavior? Why should I keep my life on hold, doing what I believe to be the 'right thing' - when he is NOT doing the right thing.

I have been denying it, but he's become just another drug user, with a pusher who went to medical school. He has 4 doctors. FOUR. He is supposed to see the his primary physician, his endocrinologist, and his gastroenterologist at least every other month. He has not seen either of these doctors in several months. Maybe.... six?

He sees his pain specialist every two weeks. Man, never misses that appointment. Everything surrounds his pain meds, and really, now that I look at it- it's all about his addictions. His smoking, his pills, his food. And what do I do... I pay for it all. I turn away and pretend that it's all ok, when I know it's not ok. When I know that I am not ok.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of enabling him so I can continue to be unhappy. Exactly what is in it for me anymore? I told him when I brought him the cigarettes, "Enjoy them, cause that is the last pack I am buying for you. Period." I couldn't even look him in the eyes. What I wanted to say was, "I am so done and over with this- and your bags will be packed by the time you return from this hospital stay." Of course, I know that's not true. I can't even be sure that I can hold my end of what I DID say- but I want to try. I have to start somewhere.

What I know is that I'm tired. I exhausted and I'm unhappy. I am trying to do the right thing, but I think all I'm doing is being stupid and letting him take me for granted. Is this the beginning of the end. It should be. But you know, I can't answer that either.

What the fuck is the matter with me??

Resistance is futile.

Julie: Are you out of pain meds?

brief silence and then,

Michael: no

Julie: whatever (laughing)

He gets two weeks of pain meds at a time. He was completely overmedicated for a week and a half and falling asleep on his feet all over the house. Now he's sick and in pain and is bed asleep everywhere. There is a transition from overmedicated to withdrawals.

Like I don't know the difference. Hi, have you met me? My husband is a sober alcoholic and an almost recovering drug addict, because he is on scheduled drugs for actual pain.

This is my life, welcome to it.

Why I don't cuddle.

I came home from work yesterday and we decided to go into the pool with the kids. Don't ask me why, but for whatever reason- being in the pool with Michael always sort of makes us closer. I don't know what it is- we tend to sort of cling to each other, probably because that is where we spent a few days after we got married. In a pool and just attached like that. (ok, not like THAT!)

So we were in the pool and I was sort of wrapped around him for most of the time. It was nice, but strange, because we are not usually so close for more than a few seconds. I guess I am just feeling particularly emotional right now. PMS? Or maybe I'm just feeling strangely empty with my anxiety.

Last night I went to bed, mostly undressed. I wasn't wanting or expecting any kind of sex, but I admit I just wanted to be close. To him, to someone. Life gets lonely and the nature of my life while it seems quite interesting to some, can quite often still be a pretty lonely existence at the end of the day. So he barelt notices, and leaves the room.

2 minutes.... 4 minutes... 7 minutes... What the fuck? I called him and asked him to come to bed.

Yes- I ASKED HIM TO COME TO BED.

9 minutes... 12 minutes... 15 minutes.

Fuck this- I got up and got dressed.

22 minutes later he comes to bed. I am hurt and just totally defeated. He comes to bed. The words exchanged are not nice, they are not at all warm or comforting or anything.

He's fucked up. He's got issues upon issues. A long time ago, a therapist told us- told ME, that WE will never be able to work things out until HE gets well. That he will never be able to tend to my needs until he can take care of his own. That if I decide to stay in this marriage, I simply CANNOT expect him to play an active roll for ME- until he deals with his own problems first. any attempts that he makes to work on the marriage or efforts he makes towards me will be shallow and shortlived, even if the intention is there. So you know, sorry sister- you come second. Get a tattoo- don't forget. EVER.

I was SO reminded of that last night. I admit, I lashed out at him for it. Sometimes, not often, but SOMETIMES I need my HUSBAND to be able to effectively make me feel better. Everyone once in a while I should be allowed to feel like I fucking matter.

Apparently it's just not my turn yet.

Last twenty dollars

Not the last twenty forever, just until Wednesday. Ok Thursday. Technically Tuesday cause I can then go to the grocery store and write a check that won't clear until... Thursday. I have gas in my car, and there's sorta food in the house.
Sorta, cause it's all food that needs to be MADE, not like grab and go. This morning I need to buy some bread and some creamer. Maybe I will get the cheaper mocha mix, since we have sugar here. Maybe some waffles. Make that last $20 count.
I can adapt, it's just a few days. I really just need to be sure that the kids have food to eat on Monday- since they will be at my mom's on Tuesday anyway. It's just the way it is sometimes.

The kids don't go hungry. I will go hungry, I don't care about that.
Michael doesn't go hungry. He SHOULD, he just doesn't. I made all three meals for the family yesterday, in attempts to control how much food got eaten. However, after each meal- he would go and eat more. Last night I made meatballs and some noodles for us. He ate the whole thing, didn't really ask if I wanted any. Then a sandwich (less than a half a loaf of bread left!) and the last chicken breast, which was huge and could have fed two people really.
Um, hi. I had a cheeseburger and peanut butter sandwich yesterday. All day- that's what I ate.
Ummmm hello???
Somewhere in the middle of the night, he also ate the last of the eggs.

SERIOUSLY DUDE.

So this morning, there's no eggs, no bread, and no chicken. Wow- there was all of what could have fed the boys all day today.
Selfish.
Self centered.
Douchebaggery.

Step 1- accept it.

I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.

(I can hear the athiest sighing from a thousand miles away)

But it's true. I am sooo absent minded lately.

I lost my drivers license. I can SEE it, sitting somewhere- waiting for me to find it. It's waiting for me- and I can't find it. Ahk. I'm getting in a plane in two weeks, going out of town. With no drivers license?? Shit. So I called the airport and my expired license, and a temporary license with picture (they do that now) will be fine. Hopefully it will be just as fine at the bars!! Of course, really, if anyone things I'm not 21- I will blow them right there on the spot.

I lost the Student Loan Exit interview envelope. I signed the papers, I put it in the envelope. I even addressed it, and then I lost it. The contents of that envelope will hold up my final grades and ultimately my diploma. Lovely.

I lost the notice I received from the IRS. CP2000. A propsed change. From 2006. Here's what I did. I left Celtic on Jan 5th. So I had one more paycheck from them. My final paycheck. So what happened? Did I forget to include it when I did my 2006 taxes? No, not really. I entered all of the info on to my Turbo Tax forms, everything except the actual wages. Yeah, smooth move huh?? So of course when Celtic reported that they PAID me actual wages, well as it turns out my refund (specifically the child tax credits) should have been a tad (read: $1100) less than what they paid me. So you know, $1100 plus you know, fees for that little loan... and I owe closer to $1200. So I can make payments, and cause I'm basically poor (only cause I have so many fucking kids and one income) I can make very low payments- so it's ok. But yeah. I lost THAT paperwork.

Seriously folks, what is my fucking deal?

Regardless, I made the call about my License. I called the school and they are resending a form and she said that grades won't be ready for three more weeks anyway. And I called the IRS. Man, they really are a lifeless group huh?? I was hoping it was a stereotype and I'd get a really kicky Jamaican guy on the phone who laughed at my predicament and said, "Gurrrl- yo gooda geet yo ahct togetha!!" (ok so maybe in my head he sounded like Sebastian from The Little Mermaid). But no- he was very "Thank you Miss Furraireeee. Is there unything I can doo to help you todaaaay?" I mean- tie me down and make me watch paint dry!!!

But they are also sending me the form and I've got some time- so that's good too.

Regardless, I gooda geet my ahct togetha!! Cause you know, I'm goin to NY in two weeks. Two weeks baby from tonight- I will be IN New York. awwww yeah!!!!

Shiny and New

Life is way good when you got people who know stuff.
--
Who the fuck stole Kurt Cobain's ashes?? I mean what a douche bag. I admit that back when he died, I was a bit resistant to the "voice of a generation" thing- but now I admit that his music is good. His lyrics were amazing. I didn't appreciate it when I was 22. But then, what DID I appreciate back then??
--
So do you Twitter? I have twitter, but I don't use it as often as I'd like to. I would use it more, if people talked to me. Maybe if I used it more, people would talk to me. I don't know.
If you Twit, then I am at juliedoyaloveme. So you know, find me, and you know- I totally will keep up with all the minute details of your day. Really.
--
Can anyone tell me how to get back into the swing of things?? I feel so very displaced lately. The e-husband is struggling through depression worse than I've ever seen it. It is knocking me off my balance.
--
Last night I watched the pilot episode for In Plain Sight.



Wow, is she HOT or what??

Let it begin with me

and proof that Al-Anon did more than save me from an alcoholic marriage.


I don't usually do things like this. While I have been known to flash my panties now and again, I don't usually air the laundry, but I'm going to- sort of, edited down and paraphrased.

To Me: Why are you mad at me? Please talk to me. It's been weeks. I thought we were close?

To Her: I am hurt that you did not attend my graduation. I understand that you couldn't, but it hurt my feelings and I feel that you should have called me and not sent me an email about it.

To Me: Oh YEAH? Well you are a shitty person. You are never there for me. Life is not all about you. You are selfish and self centered. What do you want from me?

There was more to it that this, but it was uglier and meaner than I could ever have imagined. It's not worth it to go into more detail. There it is. I had hurt feelings before. In time I would have gotten over it, but she asked. She wanted to know- even know I know she knew. Apparently what she wanted was enough ammo to unload everything that is bothering her about me.
It sucks when you just don't like the ones that you love. And my answer? Nothing. I didn't want anything from you- you emailed ME remember?

I don't like confrontations. I really don't. I prefer to just let it go. If it is a person with whom I am going to always have to deal with, it's easier to just let it go- and maybe tread a little wiser in the future. It does not make me feel better to say, "Hey that was fucked up!" or "How dare you!" It doesn't make me feel better to put someone in their place. I prefer to just accept that we all have reasons for the decisions we make and the choices we make. I don't have to LIKE what you do- but I just can't take away your right to do it, or take away your rights to feel whatever it is you want to feel, whether or not I agree. I would never claim anyone doesn't have the right to feel a certain way.

In return, nobody has the right to tell me not to feel a certain way. I don't push my negative feelings at people. I am NEVER one to say, "HEY! I am really MAD at you for doing that. How dare you do something I don't like or disapprove of!" Anyone who knows me- knows that I do not confront (and I am only passive aggressive if I am now, or have ever been married to you.)

I learned it in Al-Anon. Live and Let Live, but you know- that goes both ways. Feelings are not facts- but they are real enough. I do not begrudge you yours- and I refuse to let you begrudge me mine. Refuse.

LIVE AND LET LIVE

This is a reminder that most of us need--often. Our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict it on anyone else.

Amen sister. Af'enmen.

They don't call me a bitch for nothing!!

There are moments in peoples lives that deserve recognition. There are times when people truly need to be acknowledged for their accomplishments or have people share in their joy. When you are a friend, you need to know what these moments are- and show up for them. Suit up and show up- no excuses.

My friend Jennifer is getting married. She and I worked together for many years and have remains friends since I have moved on. More email and text message friends, but still friends. I have been planning to go to this wedding. No reason not to go to this wedding. I'm so thrilled for her wedding. Her fiance is a great guy- she's a great girl. I have every reason to believe this will be a marriage that sticks. Her wedding is coming up- the weekend before my graduation. For this reason, I did not invite her to my graduation, cause she'll be out of town. Makes sense.

This morning, I called my friend, Christine, my date, to confirm that she was going to come with me to the wedding.

Christine called me back and informed me that the wedding... was yesterday. Um.... no it wasn't, it's next weekend.

Christine reminded me that she and Jennifer work together- and she is certain that the wedding, was yesterday.

Oh shit.
Holy shit.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I looked at my calendar. Jen's wedding May 24th. I looked at the invitation.

May 17th!!

WHAT THE HELL! How did I get this wrong? I spoke to her a few weeks ago. She sent me a SECOND invite with directions cause I told her I could not find the first one. I have her picture on my fridge. I have a babysitter scheduled for the 24th!! Is it possible that I have fucked this is up so completely and proved to be the biggest ASSHOLE friend I can possibly be?

Not only is it possible, it's true.

FUCK CRAP SHIT DAMN IT!!!!

Christine tried to tell me that I've got alot going on, with graduation and finals and all that. However, I don't buy that. I fucked up. I didn't play close enough attention. There's no good excuse. Only one really shitty one. I got the date wrong. It's not even an excuse, it's a lousy explanation.

Suit up and show up. Follow through and be the kind of person who does what she says she's gonna do. Really, it's not that hard. There's no excuse. I'm so sorry Jen. I understand if you are angry with me. I deserve it.

But I really really am sorry.

At least its not on my face....

I know you like my hair- but you know, ASK ME first douchebag.
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Another reason I don't like to fly.