Objects in the rear view mirror

Karma is a big cunt. I am having one of those weeks in which every mistake and bad decision I've EVER made is coming screaming back at me. I can count my errors in judgment every time I turn around and I think I'd feel better to just close my eyes.

I try not to regret the past too much. Just accept that it is what it is and learn from it. But there are other days that the mistakes are too hard to ignore. I'm thinking back on a relationship that I think I had negative feelings about for a long time. Even though he and I have long since made our peace, I think what I did was stop being mad about it and forgave him for "treating me bad." But looking back now, it seems different. My issues were:

He didn't want to marry me.
He didn't want kids.
He had a bad temper.
I felt he treated me like a child.
I felt that I was last in line.
I didn't think he respected me.
While I treated him badly in the beginning, we stayed together for YEARS after that and while my 'sins' were forgiven, that came with a hefty price.

That is how I saw it.

But in reality:

I was 22 years old when we finally broke up, and I was not ready to be a wife.
I was clearly not mature enough to have a child.
While I was a decent girlfriend, I was a horrible roommate. I never did take well to domesticity.
I was irresponsible.
I had no direction and very few goals.
He was driven, and ambitious and responsible and I just wanted to screw around and have fun.








It's funny how the view changes as you get older. I can't say that I blame him for leaving, and really had I gone back when he did come to me and tell me he did want to marry me and have kids with me- it would have ended badly. I see that.

I resented him for wanting me to learn the lessons that I eventually learned the hard way. I can see that now. It's clear as day.

Why is the past so fucking crystal clear, but the future is so blurred???