When there's nothing on the inside...

Me: Where do the athiests go to get perspective?  

(As if I have EVER gone to church to get perspective..)

Athiest: Look within.  Introspective.

I ponder this though.  What happens when I need perspective about my life and I look within to find ??  What do I find?  At first, I think- nothing.  Just more questions, never any fucking answers.

I read a really interesting blog post about feminism today.  Of which, I admit I know next to nothing.  I don't believe myself to be a feminist, but not exactly the opposite of it either.  I believe that woman have a choice, and that some women CAN have both career and family and they should be able to choose if the means are available.

I commented that my "I'm every woman" life, is more out of necessity than a strong desire to do it.  I get a lot of "wow that's very impressive" about the fact that I work and go to school and try to take care of the kids and my husband, etc.  However, I have been pretty honest about the fact that I don't do it WELL, nor do I LOVE the fact that I HAVE to do it.  I down right RESENT the fact that I am a one income family and that I work while he stays home (lets even give him the credit for taking care of the kids).  I hate that I think, at least once a day, that if I could just work a part time second job we would be afloat.  I hate that I can't GET that second job, because it's unfair to the kids for me never to be there.

I constant walk this balance between, "The kids need me here at home more than they need the things that extra money provides" or "Shouldn't I be trying to do MORE to put food in this house because they deserve to have nice things?"  I also often think, "If I just had a good man with a good job my life would be volumes better."

I try not to play the, "I'm the man of the house" card- because who says a woman CAN'T do these things.  They can.  I can.  I DO.  However what does it say about me, that I wish I didn't have to.  I don't, nor did I ever want to be the wife and mother that stays at home with her kids and has dinner on the table by 5.  Not because I don't think it's important, but because I just don't LIKE doing it.  I am resistant to being either roles.  I just want to be part of a partnership- and maybe that is feminism in it's own right

Is my life just a different type of servitude?  

Or maybe I don't have the means to be able to make the choice.  

This is what happens when I look inside myself.  I talk myself into circles and really am no father in understanding than I was when I started.

What is THAT?