Sometimes I am the stupidest girl in stupid town,

The e-husband went to the ER today. I knew he would eventually. Actually early in the week I called even said it outloud to my boss, "I'll bet he end up in the hospital before the end of the week."

I wish I could pick winning lotto numbers the same way.

So he went in, and is still sitting in the ER cause there's no beds. Here's some weird ER tips.
People wait until after work to go to the ER.
People wait until the weekend to go to the ER.
Unless it's a holiday, and then they wait until afterwards.

So Friday at 2, is a bad time to go to the ER- so here it is 9PM and he's still in the ER waiting for a bed. Well, who cares, he's IN a bed- he's got a TV. Chill out, dude. It's not like you are on a gurney in the hallway. I've seen that before too.

He called me and asked me to bring him cigarettes. I needs some, he says, I'm going crazy- bring them ok?

Ugh. Now I've always done thing for him. If I don't, he bitches- he lays on the guilt, he complains- he makes my life miserable. He kinda bullies me in a passive aggressive dickish way. So I usually just comply and loathe myself.

Today I was at my mothers house when he called and made his tobacco demands. I said whatever, and when I hung up, my mother who NEVER minds her own business started in on me about why don't I just say no?
You make the money, just don't buy them for him. Don't give him money.

Ok, question for the non-working women. If you head of the household spouse REFUSED to give you money, even though you are taking care of the kids and such- does that fly? Yeah, NO. I do not deny him money simply because I am the one that makes it. That seems wrong to me on a lot of levels. No, I don't like what he spends money on. It's probably $3 a day, cause he buys cheap ones. That's $90 a month, roughly. Yeah, that's a alot of money. However, if roles were reversed and I didn't work and he made the money.... hang on.... sorry was laughing there.... if that were the case, and he told me that I could NOT have any money-well, then he'd be considered a bastard, right?

That has always been my reason for sort of turning my head about what he wastes my hard earned money on. God knows I wasted it on make up and jewelry I never wear,

But then I was thinking... you know. I could not even argue the point with my mother- because really I don't buy it. My husband, dear readers, is going to be dead within maybe 5-10 years not IF he doesn't take care of himself, but BECAUSE he doesn't take care of himself. We all know that the main reason that I have not kicked him out and moved on with my life, is because I truly feel like he needs my help, passive aggressive as it may be delivered. (See D, I am only passive aggressive to people I am now or have ever been married to) He has very few other options, and divorcing him, impoverishing him, and basically destroying him (cause you know, my ego tells me that he will surely die without my snarky brand of "love and affection"). That being said however, I ask myself this.

If HE doesn't give a shit about his well being- by continuing to abuse his medications (in which the result is withdrawal symptoms that cause him severe dehydration and ketoacidosis) and smoke cigarettes, which he KNOWS are only hurting his circulatory system even further- then why should I? Why should I continue to enable this ridiculous behavior? Why should I keep my life on hold, doing what I believe to be the 'right thing' - when he is NOT doing the right thing.

I have been denying it, but he's become just another drug user, with a pusher who went to medical school. He has 4 doctors. FOUR. He is supposed to see the his primary physician, his endocrinologist, and his gastroenterologist at least every other month. He has not seen either of these doctors in several months. Maybe.... six?

He sees his pain specialist every two weeks. Man, never misses that appointment. Everything surrounds his pain meds, and really, now that I look at it- it's all about his addictions. His smoking, his pills, his food. And what do I do... I pay for it all. I turn away and pretend that it's all ok, when I know it's not ok. When I know that I am not ok.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of enabling him so I can continue to be unhappy. Exactly what is in it for me anymore? I told him when I brought him the cigarettes, "Enjoy them, cause that is the last pack I am buying for you. Period." I couldn't even look him in the eyes. What I wanted to say was, "I am so done and over with this- and your bags will be packed by the time you return from this hospital stay." Of course, I know that's not true. I can't even be sure that I can hold my end of what I DID say- but I want to try. I have to start somewhere.

What I know is that I'm tired. I exhausted and I'm unhappy. I am trying to do the right thing, but I think all I'm doing is being stupid and letting him take me for granted. Is this the beginning of the end. It should be. But you know, I can't answer that either.

What the fuck is the matter with me??