Confessions of a recovering drama junkie

I don't know that I would call myself a drama queen, at least not any more. I have my share- maybe the share of a few people. But it's a lot less than it used to be. I have questionable judgement sometimes, but I own it. And yeah, sometimes I am attracted to "the hard way" of doing things. Sometimes I like to cause a ruckus, just to know I'm still breathing. But it's not the same as the 'drama queen' I once was.

I suspect drama happens when people don't OWN the stupid decisions they make.

Back in the day, my 20's. Actually from about 19-22. I "dated" ("dated" being a loose term) a married guy, and it was a big tangled web of lies and deception that involved TOO many people- and I was not sorry for it- cause you know, I was in LOOOOOVE. yeah, shoot me. But it was my lack of owning up to the crappy behavior that made me continue with crappier behavior and in comes the drama. I slept around, I treated people badly and refused to admit that I was ever in the wrong. Jason, Bill, Steve, Robert, Bob, Trever, Paul... the list goes on and on.... and I was surrounded with drama. Got into fights, been hit (seriously HAD IT COMING), practically left on the side of the road. kicked out of places, lost friends, been the topic of MAJOR gossip in the workplace. Hmmm, is it gossip if it's true??

I've been thinking about this today. I have a friend at work who seems to get getting into this type of thing. There is nothing wrong with dating around, playing the field- but I suspect there is a smart way to do it. For one, tell the people that you are dating other people. Don't tell all three guys where you are going to be on Saturday night- and then get all shocked and "dramatized" when they all say they will see you there!!! Use condoms. Don't assume that visually clean, means STD clean?!?!? Don't get naked and in the shower with a guy and then be suprised when he sticks it in. Use your head girl!!! Like you didn't feel that sneaking up behind you?? Who are you trying to convince??

But I realize that I played that game. That was me when I was younger. Hooked on the drama and did all that I could to make sure it stayed around for the duration. Kept the focus on me me me- it made me feel somehow important. I must have exhausted my friends. And the ones who were not caught up in the same kind of drama, shook thier heads at me- wondering why I was such a fucking idiot, while I cried, drunk at thier doorstep at 3AM- wondering 'how did this happen to me?"

Anyway, now, I still make questionable decisions. Things I am not proud of, situations that are over my head. Moments that are not my best. But the reason why it's not the same kind of drama, is because it's MY drama. I own my fucking issues. I don't get other people sucked into it, other than just having knowledge about it and maybe ask for an ear to cry to if I need it. I used to spend hours on the phone, get others involved. Try to rally around my cause. And while sometimes, I find myself wanting to do that- I don't- at least not often. I acknowledge the shitty decisions I've made. I own my mistakes and I don't ask why things happen to me. They happen cause I was stupid about something. I believed something I should not have, I trusted someone untrustworthy, or I just got unlucky. It happens, but I think the way to avoid drama, is to just accept that every decision (good or bad) comes with a consequence (good or bad)- and it usually isn't anyone elses fault.

Perhaps it's something many of us go through. That drama phase, where we just don't know which way is up and still feel like we can get through life with good looks and get out of trouble with a well timed blowjob.

Yeah, that doesn't work anymore.

And really, it didn't work very well then either.